A Convenient Truth

This Side or That

2011-11-06T06:57:00.004-05:00

We spend so much time in the external, material energy of God (Sri Krishna) that the internal world becomes something of an imaginary prospect. The concrete world that I perceive with my material senses is infinitely more real to me than Vaikuntha or Goloka Vrindavan. It's ironic that this temporary, ephemeral material world seems more real to me than that internal world which is eternal and unchanging.

How we spend our time affects how we perceive reality. If we spend all of our time absorbed in the external, material energy then we will identify with it and become caught up in all of its changes, transformations and complexities. We will become completely convinced that we are these material, physical bodies and subtle minds. We will become convinced that we are the temporary personality that we currently happen to be. In other words, we will be in total, complete ignorance about our real identity as spiritual energy, spiritual beings.

Conversely, if we spend our time absorbed in the internal energy (through associating with and serving advanced, realized souls, hearing from them and the sastras (Vedic scriptures), chanting the Holy Name, etc.) then we will come closer to that side of reality and begin to experience those higher truths.

I've experienced both sides of this coin. I've lived in the temple/ashram as a celibate monk, fully absorbed in Krishna Conscious/devotional/spiritual activities and I've also moved out of the ashram and gone full force back into the external, material energy and the world of sense gratification. Each world has its own peculiar set of good and bad, happiness and struggles.

I was never truly happy when I moved out of the ashram. There was always a sense of discontent and of wasting my time in activities that had no meaning or purpose. At the same time, living in the ashram was becoming boring and mechanical. My Guru Maharaja once told me that I was something like a ghost, caught inbetween two worlds, not fully committing to either side. This is my plight even up to the present day.

Is this not the nature of human consciousness? Sometimes moving towards the non-material, spiritual side of things and at other times gravitating towards sense gratification? The spiritualist is engaged in a constant struggle against their lower nature and desires. Being absorbed in the material we cultivate a material consciousness full of self-centered ideas and goals. Being absorbed in the spiritual we cultivate selflessness, service and devotional ecstasy. The latter moves us closer to realizing our true, eternal identity in relationship with the Divine Source of all existence.

If I step back from my existence and look at it from an objective view point I can see just how much time I waste. The mind enjoys habit and being pleasure seeking we fall into patterns and routines that afford us the most amount of "instant gratification". I find myself wandering on the internet, going on eBay or Facebook or some comic book website and searching for some kind of enjoyment. But all of these things are simply reinforcing my illusion that I am my body and that I'll be here forever. Why don't I instead use my time to cultivate the internal, spiritual, eternal side of my existence?

I find no motivation, no enthusiasm to pursue that side of things. I know it's important, I know I'm going to die and yet the urgency is lacking. I am completely covered by illusion, completely covered over by this material energy.

That spiritual, internal, eternal side of existence will forever remain hidden from me if I continue on identifying with the material and pursuing sense gratification. But the attachment and material identification are so strong and difficult to break. There's no way we can do it alone or by our own power. This is the wonder of the mercy of Sri Guru/Sri Nityananda Prabu. Through their causeless mercy we are brought up into that higher quarter, even though we are so unqualified and contaminated.

I pray to Sri Nityananda Prabhu to never give up on me and to forcibly push me towards the internal world. In Kali-yuga we have no other recourse and no other hope.

Agnostic Halavah (A Follow Up Story)

2011-09-06T20:53:00.003-04:00

Okay, so it seems my last post about developing agnostic attitudes towards Krishna Consciousness (and religion in general) has caused quite a ruckus. Personally I don't care about how I may be perceived from what I wrote. I really don't care if other devotees think I've "blooped" or I'm "in maya" or even if they think I'm smoking weed and drinking beer, but I think it's important to clarify a few things:

1. I'm not saying Krishna (God) is not real. As I said at the end of the other post, I believe and have faith that there is something higher, something more than just this material existence that we are currently perceiving with our physical senses. I've personally experienced higher states of consciousness and awareness (in a non-drug related way) that have proven this fact to me. My contention in the previous post was that, "What impact or difference does this Higher Being have on my daily reality?" In other words, if I take the time to chant and pray and study the sastras for hours and hours everyday, how does it practically change my reality? Sure, reality is nothing more than our consciousness, but staying in the lofty ideals of Krishna Consciousness seems at times to be quite an impossible feat. How can I be completely absorbed in Krishna's pastimes with the gopas and gopis while I'm dealing with the reality of my day-to-day responsibilities and duties? I've tried to do that and it just doesn't work.

2. I'm not against Krishna Consciousness or trying to convince others that it doesn't work. All I'm saying is: IT'S NOT WORKING FOR ME. At least at this particular time it isn't doing much for me. And my point in making the previous post was to open up this kind of discussion. I think a vast majority of devotees have felt these feelings of doubt or lack of faith or whatever, but no one wants to say anything publicly for fear of being ostricized or looked down upon. After all, if you say to your self, "I don't know if I really believe all of this stuff" then you're left exposed and confronting the possibility that "Hey, maybe I'm not really a devotee...or at least not as advanced as I'd like to think...or not as advanced as I'd like OTHERS to think." There are many examples of stalwart Vaishnavas throughout the ages that have attained the perfection of bhakti-yoga. I'm not discredting their accomplishments or trying to say it's all make believe. They've attained something very rare, lofty and priceless, but it's something that remains inaccesible and mysterious to me.

3. All I was trying to express in my previous post is that sometimes I have doubts. Like I said, I wish more devotees would open up and talk about these things in public. Why do we have to be ashamed to say, "Yeah, sometimes I find japa to be really boring" or "I really just like hanging out, eating and talking prajalpa at the Sunday Feast"? It's like no one wants to be frank because they don't want other devotees to see them in a bad light. It's like we need to keep up this facade that we don't have any problems or like we never struggle. I don't get that. It's like when we only post pictures of our self on Facebook that we think are flattering. Why don't we ever post the ugly pictures?

So anyway, I just felt like that previous post needed this follow up. I'm not blooping anytime soon. I already did that back in 2002. It was fun for what it was, but in the end it left me feeling depressed, empty and lost. I know there's no true, lasting joy in this temporary, material world, but at the same time I've yet to find true, lasting joy on the path of devotional service. So I'll continue on with my mixed-devotion, sometimes watching Project Runway and sometimes watching Srila Prabhupada lectures, all the while praying to Sri Nityananda Prabhu to somehow or other bring me to that perfection which seems so despairingly unattainable.

Agnostic with a Side of Fries?

2011-09-05T21:56:00.005-04:00

I look back at my time living in the ashram as a brahmacari and I think to myself, "Did I ever really, truly believe in what I was doing?" I wonder how I was ever so "fired up" and enthusiastic about Krishna Consciousness and devotional service that I once went on a one-man harinama in downtown Detroit (at a barbecue food tasting event, no less!). That person, and that consciousness, seem so foreign to me now. What was it at the time that made me so sincere, focused and determined?

It feels like time and my experiences in Krishna Consciousness have left me jaded. I've become pessimistic, doubtful and negative. I see others writing about or talking about Krishna Consciousness and it seems so contrived and dogmatic. We simply repeat the things that we've heard and read, but are we really experiencing, seeing, talking to and interacting with Krishna (God) face-to-face? I find it hard to believe. I also find it hard to believe that others who are speaking about Krishna or performing kirtan, etc. are not struggling with some kind of selfish desires or who are not still interested in sense gratification to some degree.

I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm sure there are very advanced (and rare) devotees who have given up all selfish pursuits and desires. But even hearing from and associating with them, I still have to wonder, "How do you know this is all true?" Someone may give up selfish sense gratification and completely dedicate themselves to devotional service. They may have intense faith that Krishna is real, that Goloka Vrindavan is real, etc., but they still may not have directly experienced it. It's all based on faith. We can say, "Srila Prabhupada and the Acaryas have said all of these things, therefore they must all be true and real!", but again, it's all based on faith.

Perhaps that is my biggest problem: a lack of faith. It's hard to believe in something when you can't experience it. I sometimes wonder if other devotees struggle with this issue or not. It seems like they don't...or maybe everyone just hides it. I go to the temple or festivals and everyone seems so happy and blissful. They're dancing and chanting and talking about devotional activities. I see them and think, "Do they ever wonder if Krishna is real? Do they ever have more interest in sense gratification than devotional service?"

What is it that makes us, as individuals, stay on the path of bhakti? Is it the social/community aspect? Is it the food/prasadam? Is it the ability to gain prestige and notariety from our knowledge of sastras? Is it because we like the clothing and cultural aspects? Is it because we like to perform rituals and fire yajnas? Somehow we must be getting some kind of taste to go on calling our self a "devotee".

These days I wonder if I could even be considered a "devotee" in the true sense of the word. I don't chant japa, I rarely study/read the sastras, I rarely attend devotional functions, I barely worship our Deities and I only sometimes listen to lectures. When I hear about 24-hour kirtan programs or some kind of festival I don't get excited. On the contrary I think, "Ugh. I really don't want to drive all the way out to that and then sit there for hours. Then I'll run in to devotees from the past and say the obligatory "Jaya! Haribol!" and then have nothing else to say."

I just don't know where my fire has gone. I feel like I'm losing interest in the process all together. I see so much mixed devotion going on all over the place that it sometimes feels like maybe everyone is just lying to themselves. Then I feel despair, as it only reinforces my own personal experiences. I see that I'm not the only one pretending.

The dogmatic answer here would be that I need to associate with higher, more advanced devotees. Well, I did that for quite some time and it never made me enthused, nor gave me prema. In fact, it made me more depressed that I couldn't live up to the highest ideals of Krishna Consciousness. It made me realize there was no joy in selfless service, rather there was only anxiety, frustration and resentment. It made me realize how selfish and self-centered I truly am and how I'm more attached to sense gratification than devotional service. It didn't make me want to do more devotional service, rather it made me want to run away from it.

I feel myself falling into some sort of agnostic state of mind, where the existence of God has no bearing on my existence. If He's there, cool. If He's not, cool. I'm sure there's something higher and something greater than just this material existence we're perceiving with our senses, but it's just getting so hard to care about it and its impact on my day-to-day reality.

Krishna in the Heart Will Always Guide Us

2011-08-13T12:25:00.003-04:00

I was sitting here reading a PDF version of "Heart and Halo" (a collection of discoures given by His Divine Grace Srila B.R. Sridhar Maharaja) and just came across this paragraph:

"The day in which we do not find any saint, or have any discussion about the real purpose of life, the inner life, the inner substance, that day we are the loser. Be conscious of that. In all respects, in any way possible, mind your own lesson, mind your own interest, find your own self. Be unmindful towards the external world and circumstances and dive deep into the reality, the inner world. Find your inner self and the inner world where you live, where your inner self is living. Try to find your Home, to go back to God, back to Home. Your energy must be utilized for going Home, and not for wandering in the other land, the land of death. Try to avoid the land of death at any cost; always try to find the eternal soil, that soil to which you belong. Try to understand what is your Home and why it is your Home. Home comfort: what does it mean? It means our birth-place – the place where we are born."

After what I posted last night regarding the topic of death, I found this to be quite pertinent and a direct message from Krishna sitting within my heart.

Death Is Our Foundation

2011-08-12T21:19:00.005-04:00

My reflections inevitably always come back to death. After all, how can we ignore the fact that everything we're experiencing right now (from our body, to our mind, to our favorite sensory enjoyment) is all temporary? Yet somehow we go on living each day like death will never come.

The other evening I was out taking my daughter for a walk. I could see giant, flat screen TVs in almost every window that we passed. I saw people pulling into their parking spots and dredging into their homes, most likely coming home from a long day of work. It got me thinking about how, as human beings, we waste so much time doing absolutely nothing of importance or meaning. We wake up, get ready for work, work all day, drive home and watch TV. Some people crack open a beer or drink a glass or wine to dull the harsh reality of living a repetitive, unfulfilling life, just to get by and make it through to the next day.

Then I thought to myself, "But if this is considered "wasting time", then how should human beings be spending their time? What is really important and meaningful?" The reply that came into my mind was "spiritual pursuits". Well, what does that even mean? Praying? Reading scriptures? Talking about God and the soul with others? Sure, maybe all of those things. Somehow, some way, directing our thoughts and consciousness towards our life beyond this material reality that we're experiencing.

Maybe it's because we never think about dying that we don't consider spiritual life or spiritual pursuits important. Unfortunately, just because we ignore it, the reality of death won't go away. Our physical body is born to die. It's dying at every moment. Every day we take another step towards its demise. And yet how do we spend our time preparing for that moment?

There are of course many schools of thought about what happens after death. It takes faith to accept any one of them, because really we can't verify any of the claims. All we know for certain is that death is inevitable and that this life is temporary. That should be enough to push us towards trying to find out some kind of answers...but ironically we end up going on with our daily life and concerns like we'll be here forever.

On the Downswing of Krishna Consciousness

2011-07-06T21:40:00.004-04:00

I was just thinking today, "I really seem to be on a downswing in my Krishna Consciousness." For the past week or so I've just been really complacent about my spiritual life. I remembered blogging about this feeling sometime back and just now re-read those posts. They pretty much capture the same feeling that I'm having right now.

Sometimes religion and spirituality just seem like such a big waste of time. The problem is that the spiritual side of our existence is so subtle and so vastly different from the physical, material, sensory world in which we are used to living that it seems so unreal and imaginary.

The battle with our mind and senses is an ongoing struggle that seems to have no end. We are constantly torn between our material and spiritual natures. We have some attraction towards God, devotion, the soul and following a spiritual path, yet at the same time we still want to watch TV, eat at restaurants, have sex and get intoxicated.

This is precisely why so many people give up the spiritual path(s), because they find a sense of hypocrisy or of not living up to the standards. It's like struggling and struggling to swim against the current before you just say, "Ah, fu*k it!" and letting your self be swept away down stream.

It's a fact that living in maya is so much easier than strictly following the process of Krishna Consciousness (or any genuine, spiritual path). As Srila Prabhupada once said (I believe) that taking up Krishna Consciousness is like declaring war on maya. It's a fight. It's a struggle. Even in those religions where so-called "works" are frowned upon, you still have to make an effort to be a sincere follower. It's not just saying, "I believe in God" that makes you a saint. It's also your thoughts and actions.

I've been riding the edge of mixed-devotion for so long that I don't even know if I'll ever get to the higher stages of bhakti-yoga in this lifetime. My consciousness is just too polluted, my desire for Krishna too weak and my mind too strong.

I look at others who appear to be fixed up in Krishna Consiousness. They look so happy, so care-free. I wonder how they can be so "fired up". Then I realize that many of them have no other obligations. They're not married, they don't have kids, they don't have jobs, they don't go to school, they don't pay bills, they don't have credit cards, they don't have debt, etc. Then I think back to my brahmacari days and remember how simple and joyful my life was. Of course the external circumstances (varna-ashrama) don't guarantee that you'll become a pure devotee or attain Krishna prema.

So does that mean Krishna Consciousness is impossible to strictly follow if you don't live in a temple and have no other obligations? I wouldn't say impossible, but definitely more difficult. It would be like trying to swim upstream with sand bags tied to your arms and legs.

I don't regret any of the choices I've made in this life. At this point in time I'm simply playing out my destined karma. As the old saying goes, I can't change my circumstances, but I can change how I respond to them. It's all a matter of changing consciousness, changing perspective, to see things from a higher view point. No matter what circumstances we're in we have to try and find the Krishna factor.

When I moved out of the temple my Guru Maharaja said to me that I "enjoy the roller coaster ride" and that now I would have an opportunity to experience it. I guess it's inevitable on a roller coaster to experience these lows. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a new high. Perhaps one day I'll stop wasting time and just get off the ride.

Ice Cream is Maya: Fanaticism or Pure Devotion?

2011-01-25T18:24:00.004-05:00

The below video is a “song” I made by taking a clip from one of Srila Prabhupada’s lectures in which an ice cream truck drives by while he's speaking. Srila Prabhupada instructs the devotees that they shouldn’t take such ice cream and then half-jokingly states that the canvassing of the ice cream truck with its music is similar to how maya works. Maya entices us with some sort of sensory stimulation, promising pleasure and happiness, only to leave us once again empty handed and feeling unhappy.

My video can be taken in different ways. Some devotees may see it as offensive, as if I am making light of Prabhupada’s instruction to not eat unoffered/un-offerable ice cream. It could be as if I am saying, “Yeah, right…if I eat ice cream I’m going to go to hell! Puh-leeeze!” Someone even wrote me and said it is offensive to the devotees that regularly offer ice cream to Krishna, indirectly implying that they are in maya.

I should clarify that my intention is not to mock or make a joke of this instruction, nor to call out devotees as being in maya. What I’m more interested in is bringing attention to our reactions to this video and Srila Prabhupada’s words.

Some of us may in fact take it to be out-dated and out of context for today’s devotional climate. We, as a devotional society, seem to have moved to the opposite end of those early days in ISKCON. There seems to be more laxity in following the regs, cynicism, doubt and lack of respect for authority. After all, how could we not feel that way after seeing so many exemplary devotees fall down or become entrapped by the false ego and prestige?

This move towards rejecting/doubting authority and picking and choosing what instructions to follow has pushed us to the brink of becoming mundane religionists: we are basically materialistic people that sometimes go to the temple or sometimes do something spiritual or devotional. We drink our coffee and watch our TV shows, because we think that NOT doing these things would simply be fanatical and only for the sannyasis. In the name of avoiding fanaticism we have become “watered down” devotionally; our devotion has become mixed with all kinds of other desires for personal sense gratification.

Many of us may think, “What’s the big deal if I get a fudge pop from an ice cream truck? What’s the big deal if I drink a latte from Starbucks? What’s the big deal if I go to the movies? What’s the big deal if I watch a TV show? What’s the big deal if I look at pornography? What’s the big deal if I eat at a vegetarian restaurant? What’s the big deal if I play videogames? What’s the big deal if I listen to non-devotional music? What’s the big deal if I go to concerts?” We think it’s too extreme and fanatical to follow the devotional path so strictly. But is it really fanaticism? Or is it just following the process strictly and properly? We know in the Bhakti Rasamrta Sindhu that there are many things we should do and should not do in order to make spiritual advancement on the path of bhakti. There are certain things to be avoided and one of those is not eating things that are not first offered to Krishna. But so many devotees nowadays eat so-called “karmi grains” and even eat out at restaurants on a regular basis, eating only for the pleasure of the tongue.

Does offering up our store-bought Breyers ice cream to Krishna make it okay? Does it make it okay because “a lot of devotees do it”? Not necessarily. We have to look at the intention behind it. Do we offer things to Krishna with the intention that we simply want to enjoy it? If so, the offering becomes a meaningless, empty ritual. As we know God is not in need of anything. He wants our devotion. Lusting after ice cream, buying it from the store and then “offering” it doesn’t really purify it. Krishna doesn’t accept such offerings. We’re still doing it for our personal sense gratification, which is not bhakti, it’s maya.

I don’t claim to be a saint. I eat tons of bhoga, never chant my rounds, watch TV and movies and engage in all other sorts of mundane activities devoid of Krishna Consciousness. The trend I’m seeing is that many devotees outside of the temples are adopting this sort of lifestyle and view. We have to be constantly aware that this is not bhakti, this is not pure devotional service. Strictly following the process leads to pure devotion. It leads to becoming detached from sense gratification/selfish pursuits and ultimately leads to Krishna prema and direct experience/relationship with God. Strictly following means we follow everything that Srila Prabhupada and the previous acaryas have instructed. That means on top of the 4 regulative principles no eating at restaurants, no bhoga, no “karmi grains”, no coffee, no tea, no television, no movies, no prajalpa, etc. (Sure, some devotees may say they watch TV and movies in order for “preaching” purposes and to stay current, which I don’t deny is possible, but unless one is on the transcendental platform those things can still affect one’s consciousness, even if only on a subtle level).

Many of us would look at a devotee who is following that strictly as being “fanatical” and “out of touch”. In reality they are simply following the process as it ought to be followed with 100% dedication and surrender! (As Srila Prabhupada would say “cent percent”.) It’s a lofty ideal indeed. I know at this point in my life and in my consciousness I would not be able to live such a devoted and strict lifestyle. It’s not a cheap and easy thing to do. And because I am not 100% strictly following the process I am in a very precarious situation. It opens the door to doubts, lack of faith, lack of taste, lack of enthusiasm and lack of interest in the process of devotional service. If we are not taking full shelter at the lotus feet of Sri Guru then we are open and susceptible to the allurements of maya (like an ice cream cone from an ice cream truck!). It’s like only half standing under an umbrella in a rainstorm.

So how do you react when you hear Srila Prabhupada say that eating ice cream from an ice cream truck is maya? Do you become defensive? Do you think it’s fanatical? Do you think it’s impractical? Do you think it’s only for sannyasis? Do you think, “I don’t eat that stuff anyway”? Do you realize you’re simply in maya and that you have a lot of material attachments (one of which includes eating a lot of ice cream!)? Our reactions (or lack thereof) say a lot about the state of our consciousness.

The Empirical Strikes Back

2010-11-07T08:06:00.003-05:00

I haven't written here in forever. The time it seems is focused elsewhere, like on my new daughter, my new job and trying to spend quality time with the wife. The day-t0-day duties, struggles and concerns keep me occupied on a moment-to-moment basis, leaving very little time for journaling, writing and self-reflecting.

One of the benefits of my 2 hours and 20 minutes spent in the car every weekday is that I have time to listen to Srila Prabhupada's lectures and discourses. I've recently been listening to his classes on the Bhagavad Gita.

While listening to these lectures I often have doubts, questions and sometimes profound insights. During one lecture Srila Prabhupada was talking about the sun god and how there are living entities that live on the sun planet, but that their bodies are made of fire. His argument for accepting this as truth was that there are living entities on planet earth that live in the water, some live in the air, some live in the extreme cold, etc. His point being that if there are living entities right here on this earth that can live in so many different conditions and in different bodies, then why can't there be living entities that live in fire with fiery bodies?

I was thinking that philosophically this argument could be torn apart. I don't have a degree in philosophy, so I don't know the fancy terms, but it seems like a weak argument to say that because we have experience of fish living in the water then there must be beings made of fire living on the sun.

Srila Prabhupada was also explaining that there are the different ways to know truth (the pramanas) and that the best way is to accept it from the Vedas (sastras). But I was thinking that sometimes it's hard to accept what's in the sastras, because sometimes it seems so fantastical, mythological, metaphorical, allegorical, illogical, etc. that it can feel uncomfortable to "just accept it as truth".

This is of course our major struggle. We like to deal with pratyaksa or direct perception (the empirical in Western thought). We want to be able to know and experience truth through our mind, intelligence and senses. If we can't see it, taste it, touch it, hear it or smell it through our physical senses, then we have a hard time believing it's real. This is precisely the problem when we come to Krishna Consciousness with our materialistic, Western mindset, because pratyaksa and the process of bhakti-yoga go ill together.

Srila Prabhupada was also saying that we can't rely on our direct perception, because our senses are limited and faulty. We can't see tiny bacteria with our naked eye, but they none-the-less exist. We can't hear certain frequencies, but they exist. There are also four defects of the conditioned living entity: 1) imperfect senses, 2) a tendency to cheat, 3) a tendency to be in illusion and 4) a tendency to make mistakes. This is why Prabhupada was saying that we have to accept the authority of the Vedas or the revealed scriptures, because there's no other way for us to know the truth with all of our faults and imperfections. He said it's like accepting the authority of our mother in telling us who our father is. There's no way for us to know for sure who our father is except through the statement of our mother. In this connection Prabhupada was saying that this is why we have to simply accept the authority of the Guru and the Vedas without questioning or arguing, because there's no other way for us to know the truth.

As I was hearing him say this I felt an uncomfortable apprehension. "Accept this as truth without questioning?!" It sounds very cultish to our materialistic, Western minds. How can we accept something without questioning it? And of course I know that Srila Prabhupada means not questioning in a defiant or challenging way. We can question with humility, but we still have to accept whatever the answer is without doubt. And that can be very difficult for us. At least I know at times it's very difficult for me.

Why is it so difficult to just accept everything in the Vedas as truth? Why do we find ourselves having doubts? Why do we find ourselves being seduced by our senses and our empirical way of thinking? We're so addicted and attached to our senses and to the idea that the only thing that is real is what is being filtered through them. I know in theory that this is a terrible way to go around perceiving the world, but it's the only way I know how to. My senses and what they tell me are all I know for certain as being real. Everything that I hear from Guru and the sastras
is all theoretical to me. It's not directly experiened or perceived.

I sometimes wonder how some devotees can accept so much without having any doubts? Perhaps that is why it is said that simplicity is Vaishnavism, because if you're simple like a child and just accept what Guru and sastra says then your life is simple and sublime. If you're complicated and duplicitous then Krishna Consciousness becomes very difficult and you find yourself full of doubt.

It's hard for us, with our conditioning, to just let go and surrender to the authority of Guru and the revealed scriptures. It's hard for us to let go of our sensory way of looking at and thinking about the world around us. What is it in me that won't all me to fully surrender? What is it in me that won't allow me to have complete faith in the process? Because of my empirical way of looking at things I want to be able to see Krishna and experience Him through my senses. If I can't do that then I have a hard time putting myself completely into the process. And isn't that just human nature to doubt something if we haven't experienced it first hand ourself?

We hear that we shouldn't try to see Krishna, but that we should act in a way that Krishna wants to see us. We also hear that we can see Krishna face-to-face, but that we have to develop the spiritual senses to do so. All in all Krishna just seems very elusive. We have the Deity forms of the Lord in order for our dull senses to perceive Him, but the problem is that I'm still seeing Him with dull senses and I can't fully appeciate His presence in such a form. According to my vision He's just standing there motionless, not saying a word and not playing His flute. Again, just as with the Guru and the sastras I have to accept that the Deity is non-different from Krishna. I'm accepting it through faith, not from direct perception or personal experience.

As you can see this process requires a tremendous amount of faith. It requires a faith that is not shaken by doubts. It requires a simplicity of faith that does not challenge or argue. Such faith is the greatest treasure we can obtain in this world. Some devotees are concerned with attaining Krishna prema, but I'm simply concerned with attaining the beginning stage of shrada or faith.

Sweet Irony Pie

2010-01-22T10:52:00.004-05:00

There are various definitions of the word "irony" depending on its usage. For my particular musing this definition is quite apropos:

2a. Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.

We spend so much time and energy trying to make a permanent situation in a world where we know that death is inevitable. In the face of such a reality we may begin to question the purpose of our material pursuits, such as work, school, family, material enjoyment, etc. After all, if we're just going to die, then what's the point of striving so hard to attain our material goals? How does my college degree or my large bank balance help me at the time of death?

It's ironic. We spend so much time trying to get what we want in this material world and in the end it's all taken away! We have an expectation or desire of how things should be. For many of us we never fully actualize all of our desires and for those rare people who actually achieve all of their goals and dreams it's all taken away through illness, old age and ultimately death.

We have the expectation that we'll be here forever, in this same body, with these same friends and family. It's this expectation that leads to the belief in a heaven where you're reunited with all of your family and friends (and even your pets). Unfortunately the reality is that all of these material, bodily connections are temporary. Our expectations do not align with reality and therefore our material existence is ironic.

Human life is meant for inquiry into the purpose of our existence. If I don't stop to question why I'm doing what I'm doing then I'm living in this illusion of bodily identification and the illusion that I'll be here forever. The whole world has its foundation upon this illusion. We rarely stop to question anything, simply living from one material enjoyment to the next and trying to minimize our suffering or misery. We neglect the big questions and ignore the reality of death.

A child builds a sand castle on the edge of the shore, spending so much time and energy creating it. When the tide rises and the waves come in all of their hard work and effort is washed away. Similarly we're in a situation where we spend so much time creating our identities, personalities, families, friendships, living spaces, etc., but when death comes it's all washed away. We know death is a fact and yet we ignore it. We know our life here is temporary, yet we ignore it. That in itself is ironic! We know the reality, yet we choose to live the opposite of it, perhaps hoping it will just go away.

I know that of late many of my blog entries have been about death and impermanence, but don't worry: I'm not having suicidal thoughts! It's just something that Sri Krishna and Sri Guru constantly remind me of. It's easy to get so bogged down in our day to day existence and overwhelmed with our responsibilities and obligations that we forget this is all temporary. It's easy to forget that there's something beyond all of this. And as soon as we forget that this present material life isn't the be all and end all, then at that moment we fall back into the same old illusions, further prolonging our anxiety, suffering and depression.

Time Keeps on Ticking

2010-01-11T09:14:00.003-05:00

Time…it can be our enemy or our best friend, just like our mind. How we spend our time determines the quality and nature of our existence. So many people spend their time absorbed in activities of sense gratification and personal gain. After all, that’s the symptom of being in the material world. This is a place where jivas (individual spirit souls) go when they want to forget about Krishna (God). So it’s no wonder that so many people spend their time in activities trying to forget about God and focusing only on selfish interests.

A life spent in selfish pursuits of sense gratification and material gain is a life wasted. Time is relentlessly marching forward, unconcerned about human affairs. We cannot control time. Therefore Krishna says in the Bhagavad gita that He is time, the destroyer of worlds (BG 11.32). Time is a factor that is beyond us, outside of our ability to manipulate. In this way it’s a representation of God.

We are all under the control of time. Imperceptibly time is aging our physical bodies, bringing us closer to death at every second. Time also creates anxiety within us, because it separates us from our desires. When we want something very intensely or when we’re experiencing something unpleasant, time seems to move so slowly. Conversely, when we’re enjoying something, time seems to move way too quickly. Therefore we’re put into anxiety about the passing of time.
How we spend out time creates our reality. If we spend our time absorbed in materialistic things and materialistic association, then that becomes our existence. If we spend our time absorbed in transcendence and spiritual association, then that becomes our existence.

I always come full circle with these reflections. In order to become fully Krishna Conscious and to develop love for God one has to be completely absorbed in such thoughts and activities. The problem is that we must desire to be in such a state. And it is the desire which is often lacking. It is so much easier to be complacent, to be cynical about the process and to not fight against the waves of illusion that are constantly bombarding us.

Sometimes it feels that there’s not enough incentive to pursue a devotional, spiritual lifestyle. Why should I get up at 4am and chant and pray for two hours? Why should I spend an hour or more reading the sastras? Why should I bother going to the temple? How will these things benefit me in my material life?

And therein lies the problem: these devotional activities are not meant to benefit my material existence! Chanting my rounds doesn’t guarantee a comfortable, prosperous material life! Time spent in devotional activities is meant to benefit me in the bigger scheme of things. And that’s why it’s so hard sometimes to see the importance or necessity of it, because we’re so focused only on the here and now. We don’t stop to consider how time is moving us forward towards death. We don’t see how this present life is just a momentary existence. We don’t realize that this body and mind that we currently reside in are not really who we are! Therefore, in our conditioned state of existence, devotional activities seem like a waste of time. However, if we could step back and see the bigger picture we would see that our existence goes beyond just this present moment in time. Our existence will continue after this material body dies.

Of course all of this requires faith. It requires faith that we’re eternal, spiritual entities. It requires faith that we will continue to exist after death. It requires faith that the Holy Name will bring us to Krishna. It requires faith that Krishna is real. Everything that a spiritual or religious person does is based on faith. We do the things we do because we believe in the paths we have chosen.

Perhaps this is why I waste so much time, because my faith is weak. There are too many doubts, too many unknown variables. I know that I am dying. I know that I won’t be here in this body forever. Yet even knowing this is not enough motivation to chant my rounds, study the sastras and associate with more advanced Vaishnavas. There are just so many other distractions, worrying about jobs and money and how to maintain this material existence. Perhaps I have lost dependence on Krishna and therefore feel so much more anxiety. Perhaps I have become too influenced by the externals around me and haven’t focused deeply within on Paramatma.

At the end of every day I should ask myself, “What did I do today that brought me closer to Krishna or that raised my consciousness?” Otherwise without such reflection everyday will just be another day of time wasted, absorbed in selfish thoughts, selfish desires, anxiety, frustration and self-pity.

American Idol...Worship

2009-10-25T12:13:00.007-04:00

I've got a lot of things on my mind and I don't know how to put them all into a cohesive post. As I'm constantly in a state of self-reflection, I often look at my beliefs from an outside perspective. I wonder how my beliefs and values appear to other people.

One of the things I sometimes ponder is the process of archana or worship of the archa-vigraha (Deity) form of God. The word "deity" has such a negative connotation that I wonder why so many Gaudiya-Vaishnava practitioners still use it. Using the word "deity" invokes mental images of cultish people dancing around and worshipping golden cow statues. Especially considered from a Christian perspective the idea of "deity worship" seems like a blatantly sinful activity, as deemed so in the Bible. Of course we know the purport of that commandment means that one should not worship ANYTHING before God; that means even putting money or sex or power before God. It doesn't just mean not worshipping statues.

So what if that statue itself IS God? Well, that's where Gaudiya-Vaishnava theology and the Vedic scriptures come into play. If the world around us is nothing more than God's energy and God is unlimited and omniscient, then it doesn't seem so far fetched that God could appear in the so-called material energy in the form of wood or stone. That is the principle and idea behind the archa-vigraha. It's God manifesting His spiritual, transcendental presence into that seemingly material form. Such a form is not material at all, but to the mundane vision of non-devotees it appears to be a doll or a statue made of material elements. Hence they believe "Hindus" to be worshipping idols.

If there is no understanding about God then it becomes very difficult to understand many aspects of Gaudiya-Vaishnava or Krishna Conscious (bhakti-yoga) practices. There needs to be an initial understanding of God as the Supreme Being and us as subordinate, tiny spirit souls. Once one becomes humble and submissive then the transmission of transcendental knowledge can take place.

If one approaches Krishna Consciousness with a materialistic conception then nothing will make sense. The stories in the Vedas will seem like mythology, the Deity will seem like a stone statue or idol, the chanting of the Hare Krishna maha-mantra will seem like some form of "brainwashing", the Guru will appear to be an ordinary man who desires worship and fame, etc. All of these things are impossible to understand from a polluted materialistic consciousness.

Many people can't even stop eating meat, running after sex and intoxication and seeking out power and fame. They look at the practices of devotees as being absurd and cultish, but due to ignorance they don't even realize they're in the biggest cult of them all: the cult of illusion and materialism. And they sheepishly follow after what mainstream culture, media and advertising tells them to do, enjoy and pursue.

Materialistic people think that devotees and religious, spiritual people in general are crazy, because they're pursuing things based on faith rather than the tangible world outside of us. But the devotees think the materialistic people are crazy, because they're running after temporary, worldly desires and spending so much time and energy trying to make a permanent home in a temporary world.

We all live in a world of faith. The materialistic person has faith in their senses and their material intelligence. They believe that what they can perceive with their senses is all there is and this is what they believe. They put faith in the materialistic scientists to tell them what the world is, but they ignore the question of WHY we're here. The spiritualist or devotee puts their faith in the scriptures and self-realized souls. Either way faith is there.

So I look at my own life and realize that I haven't just put blind faith into a spiritual process. I put faith into it because there are realizations and experiences that come along with the practice. I believe what I believe not because others have told me to believe it, but because I have had experiences which validate what others have said to be true. Of course that doesn't mean I have experienced those higher states of consciousness where I am fully aware of my eternal, spiritual identity, but I have had experiences which have shown me that this process is real. The more of those types of experiences that we have, the closer we come to the true, eternal reality and the further away we grow from illusion and ignorance.

It's in that higher state of consciousness that so many of the practices of bhakti-yoga become coherent and clear. We're not worshipping idols, we're in the presence of God's merciful manifestation so that we may perceive and serve Him with our currently mundane senses. We're not chanting some mundane sound to put us in a hypnotized state, we're chanting God's names as a form of communion, prayer and connection to transcendence. We're not blindly worshipping Guru as a mundane person or celebrity, we're connecting with the essence of Sri Guru or Paramatama, which is Krishna in our heart becoming manifest externally before us.

Even as aspiring devotees we can sometimes "ride the surface" of our devotional activities, never quite going beyond the ritual. In a higher sense it's not the rituals that are important. It's not the organization or the institution that is important. What is important is for us to become purified in our hearts and our consciousness so that we may elevate ourselves to a higher state of being and perception. It's in that higher state that true Krishna Consciousness and devotional service takes place. It's there where we can meet God face to face.

Is God Just In Our Minds?

2009-10-17T19:56:00.004-04:00

It's easy to doubt the existence of God. After all, we can't really see Him, touch Him, talk to Him, hang out with Him, play with Him, etc. the way that we can with our material friends, family and acquaintances. We know that God is not known through any empirical or philosophical process. It's said in the Srimad Bhagavatam that God cannot be understood or grasped by our tiny intellects and minds.

Of course this makes things very difficult in trying to understand, know and come closer to God. All we have at the present moment are our tiny minds and conditioned, material senses. It's like we can't know God until we're completely transcendental, but to become completely transcendental we have to attain pure, unconditional love for God. Not such an easy task.

I was recently listening to a class given by H.H. Srila Gour Govinda Swami Maharaja and he was talking about crying for Krishna. I've heard this before, but at that moment I was thinking, "How can I cry for someone that I don't even know?" The only way I "know" Krishna is thorough the sastras, Vaishnavas and Gurus. From them we hear about Krishna. We also know that hearing about Krishna is as good as associating with Krishna directly. Of course that hearing has to be in the proper consciousness, i.e. - in a state of devotion, humility, surrender and attentiveness.

I feel that in the beginning stages of my Krishna Conscious life I was very sincere and strictly followed the process of sadhana-bhakti. My faith was strong and there was a definite sense of Krishna's presence. After time though I found myself struggling against the same anarthas that were there before coming to the devotional path. Why weren't these desires and attachments going away?

We hear that Krishna will test your sincerity and your devotion. Perhaps it was a simple case that I failed all of the tests. Is it because of failing the tests that I now find myself with a much weaker sense of faith?

The existence of God seems so far away and unreal at times. So how can I cry for someone I've never met and someone I don't really know? The great Vaishnava devotees of the Lord would say that we have to put faith in the sastras. But when you really think about it, how can we know those are even true? What if it's just our faith and belief in them that makes them true? The great Vaishnava devotees of the Lord would say that Krishna exists independently of our belief in Him or not, just as the sun exists whether we accept its existence or not.

The one factor that maintains any sense of faith in me is Srila Prabhupada. When you look at his life, hear his lectures or see him on video you know he's on a platform far beyond this material existence. You know he's experiencing something deep, profound and of a transcendental nature. You know he's living in a reality that is far beyond what we're experiencing with our mundane, material senses. But that reality is locked up within his heart, unknown to us and unseen by our prying eyes.

He's assured us that we can all experience such a level of devotional, spiritual existence and ecstasy. He's assured us that we can all meet Krishna face to face. But at times I feel so far away. When I'm working some mundane retail job and constantly associating with materialistic people who's only interest is sense gratification I find myself wondering how I'll ever get to the stage of raganuga-bhakti. When I find myself watching TV or mundane movies or listening to mundane music I wonder how I'll get to a level of devotion where I cry when I can't see Krishna. It's just so abstract and so theoretical.

I know there is no fault in the process. The fault lies within myself. All of the doubts, all of the lack of faith, all of the attachment to material enjoyment, it's all in my own heart, my own consciousness. I'm making the choices to remain in illusion. And by wallowing in illusion and selfish sense gratification the doubts will grow even stronger. The lack of faith will become stronger. This, as the great Vaishnavas of the Lord tell us, is how maya works.

Sometimes it's hard to believe in the existence of God. Sometimes you look at all of the world religions and think, "These things are true only because people put faith in them". Sometimes the material world that we experience with our senses seems like the only true reality. It's in these moments of doubt or illusion that we really have to step back from it all. We have to go inward into our hearts and our consciousness and find that place that transcends time. It is there where Krishna and the great devotees of the Lord reside. As we come to the point of death this will become so much more clear and understandable. We have to let it all go. The attachments to the body, to family, to friends, to our material possessions, etc. It's all an illusion. And the only way to really know Krishna is to find that place within our hearts.

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna Hare Hare
Hare Rama Hare Rama, Rama Rama Hare Hare

In that place this transcendental sound vibration is fully realized as non-different from Krishna. The Holy Name manifests itself fully only in that state of consciousness. This is why devotees can go years and years chanting their rounds but never attain any freedom from their anarthas and never make any advancement on the devotional path. This is why we hear that chanting the Holy Name is not simply a matter of making the sound come out of our mouths. We have to be in the proper state of consciousness to fully realize its potency.

Although my faith is weak and at times my doubts may show, I can never give up the lotus feet of Sri Guru. It is only through the agency and mercy of Sri Guru that we have any hope of attaining the higher stages of devotional service and realization. By the mercy of Sri Guru I can come to understand that God is not merely in my mind or a creation of my imagination. I can come to understand the presence and potency of God in every atom and in every moment. I can begin to open my heart to that love for which my soul is constantly craving.

I Am Not This Body: Self Realization 101

2009-08-05T09:27:00.003-04:00

We spend so many of our hours absorbed in the material, external energy of God (Krishna). It's become so habitual and second-nature to us. We, as conscious human beings, accept it as our collective reality. We know from various scriptures in various religions that the material world is temporary, illusory and not our true home. In theory it's easy to accept. In practice, not so much. We spend so much of our time trying to make a permanent situation for comfort and happiness while here.

Srila Gour Govinda Maharaja tells a wonderful, metaphorical story about the soul and how its experience here in the material world is like a person staying the night in a hotel or an inn. I've always loved that analogy. Here we are in this current life, in this current physical body, but our time here is like staying the night at a hotel. The morning comes and you have to check out. The whole time you're aware that this hotel room isn't your permanent place of residence. You're making plans for the next day, realizing that in the morning you'll have to leave.

Yet so many of us think and act and speak in such a way as if we'll be here forever. This is the power of the Lord's illusory energy (maya). We become myopic, narrow-focused and deluded. We become overwhelmed by the problems and responsibilities at hand. We become unable to step back and "see the bigger picture", as they say.

We spend so much time absorbed in illusory conceptions of self and in material identification that it's no wonder when aspiring devotees begin doubting the existence and reality of Sri Krishna. After all, from a completely mundane and materialistic view, Krishna Consciousness seems very mythological and absurd. God appearing as a gigantic fish? Or a boar? Or a turtle? There are so many topics and pastimes within the Vedas and more specifically the Srimad Bhagavatam that, from a materialistic, logical perspective, are completely unbelievable.

Understanding and realizing Sri Krishna and the transcendental, spiritual realm is not an easy thing. It has to begin with that most fundamental of realizations that His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Maharaja continuously and oft repeated: WE ARE NOT OUR BODIES! It seems so simple, so basic and yet it is so elusive in application and realization. I may be able to theoretically understand that I'm not my physical body, but can I live on such a platform of realization as my daily experience, at every moment? Unlikely.

That of course is the process of Krishna Consciousness or bhakti-yoga. It's a process of getting to that point of realization. If we can't even get to that first step, then there's no question of understanding Sri Krishna's transcendental guna (qualities), rupa (forms) and lila (pastimes). They're not accessible to those that are absorbed in a bodily conception of life.

It's this bodily conception of life that is the hallmark of material existence. Every single one of us is thinking we're this physical body and beyond that, the subtle mind with our personalities, desires and dispositions. But it's all an illusion. A grand act of deception carried out by the false ego (ahankara).

Of course we've all heard this a thousand times before. We've heard it in lectures, read it in books, heard it in a song. The problem is in actually REALIZING this truth and having it become our reality.

We must begin to become more absorbed in transcendence. Just as the person in the hotel is thinking about how they have to check out in the morning, we also have to think about where we're heading after this body dies. We have to begin surrounding ourselves with those things and those associations that will direct our attention towards the Supreme. That transcendental reality has to start becoming our reality. We have to start developing detachment to this material world and attachment towards Sri Krishna, the source of all beauty.

Spending enormous amounts of time and energy trying to be happy and comfortable in this material world is a futile endeavor. It's like the building of a sand castle on the shore of a beach, where the tide comes in and washes everything away. Better that we spend our time building a "castle" of devotion within our hearts that will remain even after the physical body dies.

The Nature of Samskaras and Conditioning

2009-07-16T11:02:00.002-04:00

The other day I was watching my step-daughter, Madhavi, playing with her Webkinz toys. She was making them reenact her dance competition (which she had just attended the week before), complete with music, dances and cheers from the crowd. It made me remember how another time, after attending my wife's graduation ceremony, that she acted out the ceremony with her Webkinz for the next few days, even setting up a stage, making diplomas, etc.

Then I had the thought that children will act out or play according to what they're experiencing in their environments. Why do they do this? It's because they're reinforcing their experiences and strengthening those neurological pathways in their brains. In other words, they're becoming conditioned.

We've spent our whole life being conditioned. We're conditioned by our parents, peers, the environment, the society, culture, etc. A small child in India grows up learning that when you have to go to the bathroom you go out to the field with a pot of water and then you take a bath. A small child in America learns that when you have to go to the bathroom you sit on a bowl and wipe with toilet paper. They've both been conditioned to accept these practices as being "the right way" to do things, yet intrinsically neither way is right or wrong.

In the Vedic theology we have samskaras or rites of passage in which impressions are placed upon the mind and consciousness for certain major events in our lives. These samskaras leave lasting impressions within the heart and are ultimately meant for our purification and spiritual advancement.

In the same way, once we're born into this material world, we go through various mundane samskaras that leave impressions in our hearts. Conditioning is taking place, whether it's material or spiritual and whether we're aware of it or not. We grow up in our early years being conditioned by the norms and expectations of our parents and in our youth and teens we're more influenced by our peers. We follow the fads and trends in an effort to fit in. We do what other's are doing because it's accepted and seen as something beneficial and important. Sometimes this sort of blind following leads into our adult life and we find ourselves never questioning the world around us.

A major problem in today's society is this sort of blind following. We've become conditioned as a society to NOT think and to just accept the norms as the way of life. We take everything at face value: the news, the media, etc. We've become so conditioned to accept the material body as the self that we can't think beyond it. We've become conditioned to accept this material world as our home. We've become conditioned to accept birth, death, disease and old age as inevitable, harsh realities.

Repetition creates reinforcement. It's like scratching the surface of a wooden table with a needle. If you keep scratching, scratching, scratching eventually the scratch becomes very deep and embedded into the wood grain. It becomes very difficult to remove the scratch. In the same way, our material conditioning is so deep rooted that it's difficult to erase all of these illusions and negative impressions. Even devotees that have been strictly following the process for years and years still find themselves haunted by material desires or still attached to their false ego.

Just as material conditioning is taking place at every moment, we have to begin a process of spiritual conditioning. This is obviously what sadhana or daily, devotional practice is all about. It's trying to create these new, positive impressions and erase the old, negative ones. It's the process of cleansing the mirror of the heart. A difficult process indeed, but definitely possible. We just have to do it! Sometimes (more often than not) I find myself lacking the motivation to engage in the devotional practices. Obviously this is due to conditioning. If you go years without strictly chanting your rounds it becomes habitual. Habit and conditioning are practically synonymous.

So it becomes about habit, about daily patterns. It becomes about what we're repeating in our minds at every moment. We have the power to change ourselves, to transform our hearts and consciousness. That is the nature of free will. Obviously in kali-yuga great mercy is needed to make spiritual advancement, but the fact remains that we have to make the effort. Srila Prabhupada has mercifully given us everything we need to succeed, yet we still have to do our part to follow the process. And therein lies the conundrum of the living entity.

That Which We Do Not Speak Of (Sex Life Revisited)

2009-07-04T10:47:00.003-04:00

An astute reader of my previous post noted that it seemed rushed and that it lacked my personality. I was impressed by their ability to detect that it was indeed a rushed post. I had really wanted to post that comic strip, but also needed to be somewhere, so I cut and pasted a bunch of sastric (scriptural) quotes and at the end threw up a link for further reading. Now don't get me wrong: the quotes and link are definitely pertinent and relevant to the discussion, but it was evident that I had thrown it all together without much personal commentary or thoughts on the topic. So in this post I wanted to come back to it with a little more personality.

First off, I was surprised by "Hare Krishna Diary"'s comment on the previous post. In all of the feedback I've been getting they were the only one to feel that I was portraying brahmacari's in a mocking way or saying that ALL brahmacaris are sexual deviants. Obviously that wasn't the intention of the comic strip. The intention was that there are sometimes individual persons in the brahmacari ashram that are struggling with sexual thoughts or reflections. And the problem is: well what do we do with those desires? And how do we stop them? And of course the feeling of hopelessness and frustration that comes along with being unable to stop the powerful pushing of sex desire.

I believe it's just part of the human experience. If it wasn't such an important topic then it wouldn't appear so much in the Srimad Bhagavatam and other Vedic scriptures. My Guru Maharaja, H.H. Bhakti Tirtha Swami, was outspoken on the topic and delineated many important points on this issue in his book "Spiritual Warrior 2: Transforming Lust into Love".

When I was going through my crisis and doubts about being a brahmacari and had expressed to him that perhaps I should put on white cloth, he said to me reassuringly (paraphrasing), "One never really, completely gets rid of sex desire. It's just a matter of learning how to channel (transform) that energy." His point was that as long as we're in a material body, we'll experience such urges and pushes from the senses and mind. Part of the spiritual, devotional process is learning how to focus that energy towards Krishna and devotional service.

In my seven years as a brahmacari I had genuine experiences of being so absorbed in devotional service that thoughts of sex were completely non-existent in my mind. It really all comes down to the mind and what it's focusing and reflecting on. As Krishna says in the Bhagavad-gita, our mind can be our greatest friend or our greatest enemy. When it's uncontrolled it's our enemy and conversely when it's controlled it's our friend.

Controlling the mind is such a paradox, because it's within our power to control it. In other words, the mind is nothing more than a tool or instrument being used by the soul. The individual soul has the freewill and the power to decide how to use the mind. We can control what it's thinking about and reflecting on.

So why does Arjuna say to Krishna in the Bhagavad-gita that controlling the mind seems more difficult than controlling the wind? (Bhagavad-gita 6.34) Because the fact is that even though we are in control of the mind, the mind is sometimes so fickle and obstinate that it overrides our intelligence. We may know the right thing to do, but still our mind urges us towards something improper. Krishna agrees and acknowledges the difficulty of controlling the mind, but says that it's possible with "constant practice and detachment" (Bhagavad-gita 6.35). And Srila Prabhupada, in his purport, says that the most important step in controlling the mind is hearing about Krishna and transcendental topics.

When the mind is engaged in attentively hearing about Krishna (sravanam), then naturally it also becomes absorbed in thoughts of Him (smaranam). That is the secret of controlling the mind. And as we become more attached to Krishna and the process of devotional service, then we become more and more detached from the material world and sense gratification. But again, it takes constant practice. We have to devote the time for hearing and chanting and remembering Krishna. It's not like we just hear one Bhagavad-gita verse and all of a sudden we're pure devotees.

The attraction to sex life is one of those things that we've been conditioned into accepting as the highest pleasure in material existence. We become like Pavlov's dog that every time it heard a bell ring it would begin to salivate, because it had been conditioned to receive a treat every time it heard a bell. So every time we see some stimulus for sex, like the attractive forms of the opposite sex, then our minds think, "Oh, here is pleasure" and we begin to reflect on enjoying sexual pleasures. No doubt there is some pleasure in the experience of orgasm, but it's a temporary, momentary chemical stimulation in the brain. But just as with any addiction, we find ourselves needing more and more of the "drug" just to feel a tiny glimmer of what we once felt in the beginning. Such a downward spiral leads to depression, despair and emptiness.

The fact is, sexual pleasure is just one more weapon in the arsenal of the Lord's illusory energy. Actually, it can be considered the main, chief weapon of maya. It's a force so powerful that it completely binds us to a materialistic, bodily conception of life. Is it impossible to over come? Of course not. Is it difficult to over come? Of course.

The main problem is not having enough desire to become completely Krishna Conscious. We still have desires separate from Krishna and pleasing Krishna's senses. Our devotion is still so mixed with desires for personal benefit and gain. We want Krishna, but we also want sense gratification. Unfortunately this is like trying to mix oil and water. They're just not compatible. As long as we desire our personal sense gratification over desiring Krishna, then to that degree we will remain in illusion and suffering.

Srila Prabhupada explains further in his purport to the Bhagavad-gita verse 6.35 that just by hearing about Krishna we become more attached to Him. We just have to follow the nine-fold process of devotional service and we'll make progress towards Krishna. I think back to some of my best days in Krishna Consciousness and it was when I was fully absorbed in the process. Now I'm lucky if I chant one round a day or read a verse from the Srimad Bhagavatam. If we're not following the process then how can we say, "This process doesn't work!" If the doctor gives us some medicine to take, but we decide not to take it, then how can we complain when our disease or suffering becomes worse? When we find ourselves being harassed and victimized by our mind and senses we have to stop and ask ourselves, "What is the quality of my sadhana (daily devotional practice)? What is the quality of my chanting and hearing?" There's almost no doubt that our suffering and misery are a reflection of our poor (or in some cases non-existent) sadhana.

Brahmacaris, Celibacy and Sex Life

2009-06-30T13:40:00.005-04:00

*WARNING!*

DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY THE DISCUSSION OF SEXUAL TOPICS. THE COMIC STRIP I HAVE POSTED HERE AND THIS BLOG ENTRY ARE OF A SEXUAL NATURE.

I created the following comic strip entitled "Brahmacari Blues" to address an oft-not discussed topic: brahmacari's dealing with sex desire. In my personal experience of 7 years as a celibate, brahmacari monk, the last 3 of those years was fraught with sex desire and doubts about the path I was on. But it always seemed like the topic of sex and masturbation just wasn't something you talked about with your fellow monks. And it was also something you dare not discuss with anyone else for fear of judgement or ridicule. Yet I wonder how many other brahmacaris that I was with and that I met in my journeys were also silently struggling with sex desire? And what to speak of brahmacaris, how many devotees in general are struggling with controlling sex desire?

The topic of sex life just seems to be one of those things that many devotees don't feel comfortable talking about. And obviously there has to be some sense of chastity, privacy and appropriateness in its discussion. But it just seems like if more devotees were open and honest about it, then there wouldn't be so much guilt, feelings of failure or feelings of isolation. If someone thinks, "Well gee...every other devotee is so happy and blissfully engaged in chanting and rendering their service. I must be the only one struggling with sex desire and chanting my rounds!" then obviously there will be feelings of alienation, despair and lacking.

In this comic strip a brahmacari is happily leading a kirtan down a city street. Then he encounters visions that are not uncommon in today's society: ads and images of sex. He tries his best to not dwell on them, but then the kirtan party encounters two scantily clad and well-endowed women on the beach. His mind and focus are disturbed. Later that evening he dreams of sex life and experiences a "wet dream". He feels dejected and that he'll never become free of sex desire. Click on the image below to read it:

One of the greatest forces in this material world is sex desire. Arjuna asks Sri Krishna in the Bhagavad-gita, "O descendant of Vrsni, by what is one impelled to sinful acts, even unwillingly, as if engaged by force?" Sri Krishna replies, "It is lust only Arjuna, which is born of contact with the material modes of passion and later transformed into wrath, and which is the all-devouring, sinful enemy of the world." (Bhagavad-gita, Chap.3, verses 36-37).

We are driven by lust, which is characterized by selfishness and self-centered desires and pursuits. It makes us do things without thinking of the consequences.

Srila Prabhupada says in his purport to the 39th verse of the third chapter in the Bhagavad-gita:

"It is said in the Manu-smrti that lust cannot be satisfied by any amount of sense enjoyment, just as fire is never extinguished by a constant supply of fuel. In the material world, the center of all activities is sex, and thus this material world is called maithunya-agara, or the shackles of sex life. In the ordinary prison house, criminals are kept within bars; similarly, the criminals who are disobedient to the laws of the Lord are shackled by sex life. Advancement of material civilization on the basis of sense gratification means increasing the duration of the material existence of a living entity. Therefore, this lust is the symbol of ignorance by which the living entity is kept within the material world. While one enjoys sense gratification, it may be that there is some feeling of happiness, but actually that so-called feeling of happiness is the ultimate enemy of the sense enjoyer."

This is definitely a shocking view of sex life to those of us who have been brought up in a liberal, modern society that promotes sexual activity and promiscuity. Our culture is becoming more and more sexualized and it's reflected in the dress, attitudes and activities of pre-teens and teenage pregnancy.

Sexual energy is one of the most powerful material energies. Lord Vishnu even displayed it to bewilder the mind of Lord Shiva. As Srila Prabhupada says in a Srimad Bhagavatam purport (8.12.16):

"Lord Siva's desiring to see Lord Vishnu reveal the most attractive and beautiful form of a woman was certainly a joking affair. Lord Siva knew that he could not be agitated by any so-called beautiful woman. "The Daityas may have been bewildered," he thought, "but since even the demigods could not be agitated, what to speak of me, who am the best of all the demigods?" However, because Lord Siva wanted to see Lord Vishnu's form as a woman, Lord Vishnu decided to impersonate a woman and show him a form that would immediately put him in an ocean of lusty desires."

There are many more examples in the Srimad Bhagavatam of how sex desire brought down many a great sage and yogi. And we know even in modern times that many so-called spiritual and material leaders have fallen prey to unrestricted sex desire and scandal.

So we know that it is lusty, selfish desire that propels us towards sexual activity. Why is it so enticing and attractive? It's because of the pleasure we experience from it. Srila Prabhupada also explains this pleasure in a purport from Srimad Bhagavatam (2.6.8):

"The genitals and the pleasure of begetting counteract the distresses of family encumbrances. One would cease to generate altogether if there were not, by the grace of the Lord, a coating, a pleasure-giving substance, on the surface of the generative organs. This substance gives a pleasure so intense that it counteracts fully the distress of family encumbrances. A person is so captivated by this pleasure-giving substance that he is not satisfied by begetting a single child, but increases the number of children, with great risk in regard to maintaining them, simply for this pleasure-giving substance.

This pleasure-giving substance is not false, however, because it originates from the transcendental body of the Lord. In other words, the pleasure-giving substance is a reality, but it has taken on an aspect of pervertedness on account of material contamination. In the material world, sex life is the cause of many distresses on account of material contact.

Therefore, the sex life in the material world should not be encouraged beyond the necessity. There is a necessity for generating progeny even in the material world, but such generation of children must be carried out with full responsibility for spiritual values. The spiritual values of life can be realized in the human form of material existence, and the human being must adopt family planning with reference to the context of spiritual values, and not otherwise.

The degraded form of family restriction by use of contraceptives, etc., is the grossest type of material contamination. Materialists who use these devices want to fully utilize the pleasure potency of the coating on the genitals by artificial means, without knowing the spiritual importance. And without knowledge of spiritual values, the less intelligent man tries to utilize only the material sense pleasure of the genitals."

We know from scientific evidence that this "coating" on the genitals is nothing more than a higher density of nerve endings. When these nerve endings are stimulated there is a release of chemicals in the brain known as endorphins. These endorphins give us a sense of pleasure, happiness and euphoria. In other words, material ecstasy. Sexual stimulation is one of the most powerful forms of sense gratification and pleasure in the material world. In one sense, it's no different than becoming addicted to any other form of chemically-based sense gratification, like drugs, alcohol, etc. And from a higher perspective, ALL sense gratification is nothing more than an experience of chemical stimulation in our brains.

So what do we do with this sex desire? Stephen Knapp (Srinandanandana Das) has written an excellent article on this topic. You can read it here:

http://www.stephen-knapp.com/becoming_free_from_sex_desire.htm

It's a dense read, but well worth the time to consume and reflect upon.

Will I Ever Cry for Krishna?

2009-06-02T12:47:00.008-04:00

Just a couple days ago, while reading H.H. Radhanath Swami's autobiography, I was reflecting on what makes one person so dedicated and focused on the path of bhakti, while another person is weak, lazy and unfocused? We see in every religion that there are different types of worshippers or practitioners. Some people are very devout; never missing a service, chanting, praying, strictly following their scriptures, etc. At the same time, someone in the same religion could be full of hypocrisy, have no morals, rarely attend their church or temple or mosque, etc., but they still adhere to their beliefs and faith. Maybe sometimes a person is sincere, but just weak in their faith. In other instances perhaps they were just born into their religion, so they just follow the externals because it's socially expected of them.

Even within the Gaudiya-Vaishnava theology we have different levels of devotee, i.e. - the kanistha, the madhyam and the uttama-adhikaris. We're all at different levels of spiritual advancement and realization. We're all engaging in devotional service for our own reasons, just as in other religions, people are following their beliefs for their own reasons. We all have some kind of motivation for adhering to our particular faith or belief.

As we're trudging along on the path of bhakti, we constantly have to take self inventory. When self analysis and reflection stop, so does our advancement. I've noted in myself that when I become complacent, lazy or disinterested in my devotional life that I have so much more stress, anxiety and depression. If we take a break from chanting or hearing or associating with more advanced Vaishnavas, then the material modes of nature and maya will devour us. Our minds and senses will take full control. We can't be careless or whimsical on this path of devotion. It truly is a science and if we want the results we have to follow it properly.

Still, knowing what is to be done, why does this desire not arise within my heart? Why do I find it hard to be motivated to chant 16 rounds everyday? To study the sastras everyday? To run where higher Vaishnava association is available? Why do I find my mind still more attracted to sense gratification than to Krishna?

Even when I wore the saffron cloth of a brahmacari and had a shaven head and sikha, in those last few years in the temple I was losing taste for devotional service and for chanting. Where did that early enthusiasm and zeal disappear to? I used to jump so high in the kirtans and dance like a madman for the pleasure of the Deities and my Guru Maharaja, but now I'm a wallflower, standing in the background and softly clapping my hands. I used to be so eager to preach and share Krishna with others by going out on book distribution or sankirtan. So what happened? How did I go from fixed up a brahmacari to a struggling fringy?

I was speaking with one devotee a couple weeks ago and he was saying that since Krishna Consciousness is a science, that when something is going wrong in your devotional life then it means you're not following something properly. He was saying how offenses in devotional service can stifle one's progress. Perhaps it was because of my accumulated offenses to my Guru Maharaja, to the Deities and to the devotees that ultimately I lost all taste for the devotional process and left the temple to pursue a materialistic, self-absorbed existence.

Maybe I wasn't humble enough. Maybe I wasn't surrendered enough. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Obviously the past can't be changed, nor is there any reason to dwell upon it. All we have is the present moment. And in this present moment I find myself at every second being given the choice to be Krishna Conscious or to be in maya. A few days ago I posted a Facebook update that said something like, "Jayadeva Dasa is wondering when his mind will remain fixed on the lotus feet of Sri Guru and Sri Krishna without diversion". Some people responded that it could be NOW if I wanted it to be. And it's so true. It's our desire that determines our consciousness.

I always come full circle with this kind of thinking. If we desire to be Krishna Conscious then we'll be Krishna Conscious. Well what if we don't have the desire? Then associate with those who do! And if you don't have the desire to even pursue that kind of association, then pray to Guru and Krishna to attain it. We are definitely mercy cases in this kali yuga. How unfortunate I am that I have come this close the ocean of bhakti-yoga, yet I am unable to dive deeply into it. Due to my weak mind and desires for sense gratification I cannot enter deeply into the mysteries of bhakti. I cannot experience those higher states of realization, awareness and love.

By the grace of Srila Prabhupada and our Gurus we know what the process is. We know what is to be done...yet we find ourselves unable or uninterested. As the great Vaishnava poets might say, "Alas! Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu and Sri Nityananda Prabhu have descended on this earth to drown every living entity in the ocean of pure love for God, yet I am so unfortunate that not even a drop of this love has touched me!"

We have to become eager for Krishna Consciousness. We have to long for it, desire it and cry for it. We have to understand its importance and urgency. We have to feel empty and void without it. Without such feeling we will always give in to the maya, give in to the sense gratification, give in to our lower, material natures. If we don't think we're in danger, we'll never cry out to the Lord and as Srila Prabhupada has said, one has to chant the Holy Name as a child in distress cries out for their mother or father.

My dear Guru Maharaja, please give me this gift of being able to sincerely and humbly cry for Krishna's mercy, love and service. It is through this intense eagerness and crying that I will be able to remain fixed on the path of devotional service and to always make the right choices and pass all the tests.

When Considered in the Face of Death

2009-05-14T20:57:00.006-04:00

Have you ever taken one of those naps where you wake up and you feel discombobulated? Like you don't know where you are or what time it is and somehow everything feels foreign and somewhat unreal? I haven't had the experience lately, but I can remember the sensation. It makes me realize how this life is temporary and that I'm going to die one day.

Every now and then as I'm going through my daily routines and duties I'm interrupted by the thought, "What is the point of all of this?" And then it made me realize: when we weigh something against the reality of death, it really puts it into perspective. How much value will my BA in Art Education have as I'm laying on my death bed? How much will it matter that I helped people make copies at Staples?

And then it hits me: the only things that are important at the time of death are the things that we did selflessly to help, heal or uplift someone else. A life of service is a life well lived. How proud will I be laying there dying and thinking how I wasted my life in self-absorbed activities and thoughts and desires for sense gratification and personal enjoyment? When you think about it, it's actually embarrassing and shameful.

Those activities and thoughts and desires will do nothing but guarantee our rebirth in another material body in this miserable material world. So how can I live for others? How can I live a fulfilled life of trying to help and assist other living beings?

This was and still is one of my greatest struggles in devotional life. I can't seem to find that switch to flip to become selfless. My Guru Maharaja, H.H. Bhakti Tirtha Swami Maharaja, wrote in my copy of Spiritual Warrior 2:

"Lust attacks us on the gross and subtle levels. We will always be defeated unless we become truly selfless. Yours in the struggle for unconditional love."

And one time he said to me (after asking him how I can become more selfless), "Do you realize you keep asking the same question over and over? You might want to take a look at that." His point was that he kept giving me the answer, but I wasn't applying it. The way we become selfless is by simply being selfless! Another time I had said to him (paraphrasing), "Guru Maharaja, you're traveling all over the world in spite of your poor health. How do you do it?" He smiled that wide smile of his and replied, "Jayadeva, you think about your self too much!"

The secret to a truly happy, fulfilled and blessed life is to be genuinely selfless. Being genuinely selfless means doing things for others joyfully, willfully and with real love, compassion and concern. I sometimes thought I was being selfless as my Guru Maharaja's personal servant and secretary. After all, I was sometimes not eating, barely sleeping, sitting for long hours dictating emails, cleaning, doing Deity seva, serving, etc. So externally it appeared that I was very selfless and surrendered. But my Gurudeva knew my heart and one time in New Vrindavan he said to me, "You're doing all this service, but internally you're just angry and resentful." It caught me off guard, because I didn't realize I was giving off such a strong vibe with my energy, but it was completely true. I was never happy as his personal servant, because I was too self-absorbed and thinking about how I was miserable and tired or hungry or whatever. I just wanted to be relaxing and spacing out. I didn't want the stress and pressure of being that close to my Guru.

So externally we can appear to be very selfless, doing so many things for others, but internally harboring that resentment, anger and frustration. That's not the kind of selflessness that will make us happy. It will make us bitter and miserable. I believe that's part of the reason I couldn't remain as a brahmacari as well. It was a fake and forced sort of surrender; not a genuine, heartfelt reality.

So I left the temple and dove right back into the inviting waters of maya and I enjoyed my selfish pursuits and endeavors for material happiness. But after some time it made me feel empty and depressed. I expressed this to my Guru Maharaja to which he replied that living a life devoid of devotional service is "so damn boring". And it's true. A life without devotional service to the Vaishnavas, Guru and Krishna is so empty and pointless. Those are truly the only things that matter at the time of death. Everything else we've done and spent our time absorbed in will be evaporated and rendered meaningless by the touch of death.

Does that mean we all retire and move to Sri Vrindavan Dhama, because after all, everything else is just maya and a waste of time? Of course not. But it means we really have to find out how to cultivate a mood of selfless devotion within the activities of our daily life. If we're working some crappy retail job, we have to see how it's ultimately service to Guru and Krishna. It's not easy and I'm not claiming I'm at that level of devotional realization. I'm really just talking to myself here. If my activities and thoughts have no connection to Krishna, then what is their value? So I have to find some way of dovetailing everything I do into Guru and Krishna's service. Then, at the time of death, I won't feel like this life was completely wasted in pursuits of selfish sense gratification.

The Certainty of Uncertainty

2009-05-06T13:36:00.003-04:00

I've been reflecting the past few days on how everything in our experiences, both material and spiritual are continuously changing. Sometimes though things seem like they will never change. This can either be a blessing or a curse, depending on the situation and circumstances. If we're happily in love with someone, that love and those feelings can seem like they'll never stop; like we'll always feel that kind of blissful love for the other person. In this regard, the feeling like it will never change is a blessing. Of course we know that after the initial "honeymoon" phase or when the relationship becomes more serious that things do in fact change. There will be conflicts, doubts, arguments, etc.

Conversely, we could be in a very bad situation. Perhaps our health is very poor. It may feel like we'll always be sick and that we'll never feel better. Of course we know that after some time our health returns to normal and we're able to enjoy life again.

This is the nature of material experience: it's constantly changing. Situations may seem like they're lasting forever, but they won't. Nothing here in the material world lasts forever. And yet we completely deny this fact by trying to arrange our lives in such a way that we can be in the illusion that our lives will never change. We follow routines and make habits to make things predictable and controllable.

When we wake up in the morning, we're certain that we're going to follow the same routine. We're certain the shower will turn on and hot water will come out. We're certain our coffee maker will work. We're certain our hands and legs will move. We're certain that our car will start. When something doesn't go as planned or is out of our normal routine, we panic or become angry or frustrated. Why is that? Because it reminds us that we're not in control. It reminds us that at any moment our fabricated, certain and assured existence can come crashing down into uncertainty, unpredictability and chaos.

Ultimately, when things don't go as planned or when we can't change things or control things the way we think they should be, it really reminds us of our insignificance and mortality. As rebellious souls, we don't want to be reminded of these things!

The fact is that we have no ultimate control. The fact is that even though we don't want to die, we will. The fact is that even though we don't want things to change, they will. There is great certainty to the uncertainty of our lives. The greatest illusion is to think that we are in control and that we are making things happen. The more we fight against this reality, the more miserable we'll become. The Taoists are really on to something when they talk about going with the flow of existence.

We can't fight change and we can't change that which is out of our control. Even the election of Obama proved that things are constantly changing. George W. Bush couldn't remain as the President of the United States forever. It may have seemed like a long time to some people (and not long enough for others), but the fact is things changed.

When we are surrendered to God (Krishna) we are not anxious about the uncertainty of our lives. We are not concerned about trying to control things. We are not concerned about the changes that will come. There is an inner calm, an inner peace and an inner knowingness that Krishna is there and protecting us. When we are truly calm and quiet in our minds and existing in the present moment we can feel that presence. But in order to get to that state of mind, we have to let go. And as rebellious souls, we don't want to let go.

Chanting in Times of Distress and Suffering

2009-03-25T16:33:00.002-04:00

Isn't it ironic that when we're experiencing the highest degree of material suffering, anxiety and despair that we have an increased interest in chanting the Holy Name of Sri Krishna? Isn't Queen Kunti our ideal in the way that she prayed to Sri Krishna for more and more calamities and suffering if it would be the cause of her remembering Krishna? It's a fact that when we're suffering we naturally cry out for help. But what about those times when the suffering and distractions are so great that it actually has the reverse effect? In other words, what if our suffering causes us to lose faith in Krishna and in chanting the Holy Name?

Sometimes when everything is going wrong and you're completely bogged down by the weight of material responsibilities and obligations there's no time and no room to think of Krishna. More importantly there's no interest in chanting Krishna's Holy Names. If we've spent all day at work dealing with difficult people and we come home and have to clean and cook and spend time with our family, then by the evening time we just want to lay down and "space out" by watching TV or surfing the Internet. But why isn't our relaxation time filled with chanting the Holy Name and connecting with Krishna? Why do we have no interest for that after being bombarded by the material energy all day long?

The thing that is so difficult for us to grasp is that it's really only the Holy Name and the nine processes of bhakti that will help us! Our favorite TV show won't help us. Our favorite flavor of ice cream won't help us. Facebook won't help us. All of these material distractions will simply be that: distractions. It will momentarily divert us from the suffering we experienced during the day, but it's just like any other sense gratification in the mode of the passion: in the beginning it's pleasurable, but in the end it's the cause of further misery and suffering.

Our only cure and our only shelter is the Holy Name of Sri Krishna. But we're resistant. We don't want to surrender to the Name. We don't want to sit for an hour or two chanting on our beads. We don't want to spend an hour or two reading the Srimad Bhagavatam. We think, "How will that possibly help my situation? How will that possibly make me happy right now?"

The fact is that the more time we spend absorbed in our illusory, temporary problems and miseries and false identities, the more and more miserable we'll become. It's a fact. The happiest people in the world are those that spend more time thinking about and assisting others rather than them selves. My guru maharaja tried to hammer this point into my thick skull over and over again, but I was (and still am) so dull that I can't grasp it, can't appreciate it. By taking the time to chant the Holy Name and read the sastras, we're taking the focus off of our self. We're making it about Krishna's pleasure, not our own. And as conditioned jivas with demonic propensities, that's a difficult pill to swallow. "Krishna's pleasure? Guru's pleasure? Preposterous!"

So here I am in my own particular experience and existence, facing the onslaught of the material energy. There is so much stress to face from work, school, relationships, our health, etc. Everyone has their own individualized "suffering plan" and everyone's level of suffering is subjective. In other words, someone may think my suffering is not so bad compared to a starving child in Africa, but given the context and circumstances of the situations, the stress levels can be the same. Stress and suffering are all around us and every living entity is suffering to some degree or another. If we want to end the suffering, we have to end the illusion. To end the illusion we have to chant the Holy Name of Krishna. It's the only means of developing our detachment from this temporary, material identity and developing our attachment to our eternal, spiritual self in relation to God (Krishna).

For some reason we go on in the illusion, go on in our suffering, accepting it as the only reality, the only truth. But when we genuinely transcend our lower, material nature and transcend the platform of the mind, we find the real truth and that truth is beautiful. We get so caught up in the day to day, in our individual "suffering plans" that we forget this is all temporary and not our real, permanent situation.

Krishna is sitting here right next to us. He's simply waiting for us to turn towards Him and call out His Holy Name. But we're so stubborn, lazy and unfortunate that we can't even muster the desire to do so.

What Would Rupa Goswami Do?

2009-03-11T15:41:00.006-04:00

I feel like I haven't written in this blog in ages. My life has been a blur of activity: work, school, house-sitting, hospitalization for a migraine, social functions, etc. these past couple of months. Even now I'm dealing with my old arch-nemesis: a sinus infection/head cold. Somehow through it all I've still been trying to think of Krishna and devotional service.

When we came back from Sri Vrindavan Dhama I was riding the high horse of inspiration and enthusiasm. I had re-acquired that rare and elusive taste for chanting the Holy Name and had again taken up the chanting of 16 rounds a day. It lasted a good month or month and a half before the madness of work and school caught up with me. At times it was a challenge, as I would find myself sitting up late at night trying to finish all of my rounds, but I had a deep conviction that inspired me to do it. I was feeling reciprocation from Sri Guru and Sri Gauranga through devotional dreams at night.

But it's been gone for awhile now and I'm back in the same funk and struggle. Work at the Staples copy center has been a new hell unlike any hell I have had to experience in quite some time. Granted, it's not as hellish as the experience of getting malaria in Nigeria, but it's an emotional stressor for sure. I don't even want to get into why it's so stressful, but just imagine non-stop people coming up to you with demands and getting angry at you when you can't fulfill their demands instantaneously. It's one person with their demands after another.

So anyway, there's all of that stress from work. Fortunately this school semester has been one of my lightest loads thus far in my academic career and my co-op teaching has been a better experience than last semester. So I'm grateful for that. I don't know why I'm such an easily stressed out person. I like when things are predictable and uneventful. I like when there's nothing to do. I like staying at home and being indoors. I like habit and routine. I guess that's why I get so stressed out when there's a lot of change or inconveniences.

Anyway, all of that to say that's why I haven't been blogging much. It's one of those things that isn't really a priority in my life at this time. But here I sit in the library with about an hour to spare (we got out of class early) and figured this was as good a time as any to finally write something.

I wanted to talk about this photo image that I created in Photoshop:

I took it from the famous image of Srila Rupa Goswami. A devotees initial response may be, "Well this is totally offensive! What blasphemy! What sacrilege!" But my intention behind this image isn't offensiveness. It's to trigger within us the thought, "Rupa Goswami would never watch TV, listen to an iPod and drink Starbucks!" We instantly and instinctually know, "This isn't proper Vaishnava behavior." It's an incompatible image with our knowledge of Rupa Goswami. At the same time, we have to question why isn't it an incompatible consideration when we see one of our devotee peers engaging in such activity?

This of course brings us to the main reflection of this post: the expectations of the various levels of Vaishnava devotees. We know there are kanisthas, madhyamas and uttamas. There are different kinds of devotees at different levels of realization and advancement. As progressive, aspiring devotees we have to constantly analyze where we are and where we're heading. Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Thakur has written the poem "Vaishnava Ke? (What kind of Vaishnava are you?)", which you can read in its entirety here:

http://nitaaiveda.com/All_Scriptures_By_Acharyas/Bhaktisiddhanta_Sarasvati_Thakura/Vaishnava_Ke.htm

At one point in the poem, Srila Bhaktisiddhanta says:

"The pure devotee acts in Krishna consciousness without attachment to the objects of the senses, remaining conscious of his relationship as the eternal servitor of Lord Krishna, the Supreme Personality of Godhead. The pure devotee is fixed in his attachment to rendering pure devotional service to the Lord and thus he sees all apparently material objects of sense enjoyment as non-different divine energies of Lord Madhava (Krishna), ie. they are seen in terms of how they can be utilized in the devotional service to Lord Madhava (Krishna) and not according to their material sense-gratificatory value."

This is of course the highest level of devotional service (uttama-adhikari). As an eternal associate of the Lord, we know that Srila Rupa Goswami, if he were manifest today, would have nothing to do with watching TV (unless perhaps it had some connection with serving and giving pleasure to Krishna and the devotees).

This is the entire crux of our problem as neophyte devotees: we rarely perform activities for the service of Sri Guru and Sri Krishna and ever rarer are our thoughts focused on the pleasure of Guru and Krishna. This is why there is a disconnect between our material activities/thoughts and our devotional activities/thoughts. We're still doing things based on personal sense-gratification and not on selfless seva. There is still too much of our selves in the factor.

We then develop this sort of split-personality. We have our devotional selves and our materialist selves and we switch back and forth between these roles depending on the need and the situation. At devotee functions or programs we turn into the "Jaya, Haribol prabhu!" personality and when we're working at our karmi jobs we become "one of the guys or gals" and talk about mundane topics. When we're inspired we chant our rounds (or a couple) and read the Srimad Bhagavatam, but when we become bored of it, we watch a non-devotional movie or eat some (bhoga) corn chips or listen to a Neil Diamond song. We're too back-and-forth in our consciousness and our desires.

Obviously this is from being in the lower stages of devotional service. There is weakness of faith, weakness of heart and weakness of enthusiasm. That has to come from the higher association, but our will is so weak that it's hard to even muster the strength or desire to search out higher association. We become complacent and lazy in our stagnation and we see no urgency, no need to move beyond it.

Death is sneaking up on all of us. Time is passing by relentlessly. Yet we get so caught up in the stressors and anxieties of the (illusory) present that we forget this life isn't the all-in-all. We forget that our temporary families, friends, work, money, jobs, etc. will all be gone in the blink of an eye. They are not the goal. They're just traveling along with us on the path towards eternity and genuine love for God.

So when we look at that image of Srila Rupa Goswami watching TV, drinking Starbucks and listening to an iPod we can say to ourselves, "That's not the ideal. Srila Rupa Goswami wouldn't do these things. I should also aspire for that state of consciousness where these things are unnecessary distractions to that flow of loving and serving Krishna. I should aspire for that level where Srila Rupa Goswami resides: in pure, unconditional, unmotivated loving devotional service."

Of course that's not to say that these things can't be utilized in the service of Krishna. TV can be used to watch Krishna Conscious programs or to broadcast Krishna Conscious messages. An iPod can be filled with Srila Prabhupada's lectures and various devotional bhajans and videos. And Starbucks can be used to...well, uh...hmm...maybe it could help keep a devotee awake late at night as they're driving the sankirtan van. :^) The point is that it's all about our consciousness and intention behind the activity.

So this is pretty much where I'm at in my "Krishna Consciousness" at the moment. I'm back to the struggle of finding my devotional self. I'm back to the struggle of supremacy between my material self and my devotional self. I'm back to the struggle of finding some taste in chanting the Holy Name. I'm back to the struggle of trying to break out of my stagnation and complacency/apathy.

He Krishna! He Nitai! He Gurudeva! Please don't let me get lost in the mire of worldly, self-centered existence!

My dear Srila Rupa Goswami, please give me a drop of your mercy and lead me to the path of pure, selfless devotion. That devotion is your wealth and property. With a drop of your mercy I can push aside all of these unnecessary distractions and impediments and come to the stage of unmotivated, uninterrupted devotional service. This is the greatest goal and the greatest wealth in all of existence. Without the mercy of the Vaishnavas this will be impossible to attain.

What the Kermit...?!

2009-01-29T11:43:00.004-05:00

"A global team of researchers has estimated that the international trade in frog meat represents 200 million to 1 billion frogs eaten each year, or about 11,000 tons of frog meat."
So that's what's been bothering Kermit so much! That little factoid came from this article:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28876555/wid/18298287/?GT1=45002

1,000,000,000 frogs...killed and eaten every year. Say whaaaat?! I don't really have any profound Krishna Conscious realizations on this. It's just crazy and I had to share it.

I currently have no time to blog, but if I did these are the topics I'd write about (as I get ideas I jot them down onto a piece of paper):

1. "Our Eternal Business" - Examining what our real business is here in the material world, which incidentally isn't working at a retail office supply store.

2. "When Krishna Becomes Our Necessity" - So many other things in life become so-called necessities, when in reality they're just temporary distractions from our main purpose and goal in life. When Krishna becomes our main necessity, all other things fall into place.

3. "Japa Irony" - Japa is supposed to be the easy process and path to Krishna-prema, but then why is it so hard and so many devotees struggle with it?! And why are there tons of seminars, workshops and books about the topic of improving japa if it's supposed to be so easy and sublime? Seems like hard work to me. In this blog musing I would analyze both sides of the japa bead.

4. "That Which We Do Not Speak Of" - This blog entry would have a disclaimer at the top that if you don't want to talk about sex, then don't continue reading. This is an entry I've been wanting to write for months now, ever since I started this thing. I even have images that I made in Photoshop a long time ago to use for this entry. It'd basically be all about sex and being a devotee.

5. "The Great Coffee Debacle" - A look at devotees' justifications for following some regs and not others. What's the psychology behind it? And if we break one reg, what keeps us from breaking the others?

6. "Cultivating the Internal" - Sometimes we get caught up in the externals of the devotional process to the point that our internal cultivation becomes stagnate or non-existent. Without genuine, internal cultivation of surrender, selflessness and devotional consciousness we will very easily fall from the path of bhakti. Being a true Vaishnava isn't just about wearing a dhoti or sari, wearing tilak and saying, "Jaya. Haribol, prabhu". It's about a transformation of the heart and consciousness.

7. "Even Heidi Klum's Farts Stink" - This could possibly be interrelated with the sex topic, as it's a look at the superficial nature of material beauty and the reality that lies beneath.

8. "The Nectar for Which We Are Always Anxious" - We all want pleasure and sense gratification, yet no matter how much we indulge in it and give in to the mind's and senses' demands, we find ourselves empty and miserable. So why do we still settle for it? And what will really satisfy us on a deeper level?

As you can see, it could take me days to write all of these. I just don't have the time to sit and write, write, write. And when I do have the time, I don't have the motivation. Such a paradox. Ah, well. Let us just go on chanting Hare Krishna.

Back to the Struggle

2009-01-06T08:13:00.003-05:00

So we made it back from Sri Vrindavan Dhama in one piece. No terrorist attacks, no monkey attacks; not even attacks from the mind. But now that we're back "home" here in America, I find the same struggles that I had before we left resurfacing.

When one is in the Holy Dhama, Krishna Consciousness comes so much easier. The atmosphere is surcharged with devotion and transcendence. It's so much easier to rise early in the morning, to chant your rounds, to think about Krishna and to be eager to perform some kind of service. But back here in America I find my mind being lazy, wanting to sleep, wanting to aimlessly wander around the internet (preferably looking for pornographic images), wanting to watch TV and movies, wanting to listen to mundane music, wanting to eat bhoga, etc. And there are so many more distractions from the internet, television, job, bills, court appearances, school, etc. For example, I'm losing my job at Office Depot, because they're closing 120 stores nationwide and 32 stores in our district. So now I have to worry about finding a new job and in today's economic market, it's much more difficult to find companies that are hiring. So I have to fill out application after application and spend so much time and energy in trying to get a new job. It's energy and time that is being diverted from chanting my rounds, reading the sastras and thinking about Krishna.

Of course we may say, "Well isn't looking for a job simply part of the service as a grihasta?" And I suppose if we had that consciousness then it could be seen as devotional service. I'm looking for a job not for my own sense gratification, but rather because it's a necessary part of being a grihasta, i.e. - working and making money to help support the family, the family which belongs to Krishna. Okay, so I'll give you that, but all I'm saying is that it's one more distraction from being able to wholly and solely think about Krishna and to engage in direct devotional service.

And this is where I have trouble translating or transposing the experiences in the Holy Dhama back to my so-called real life here in America. When you're in the Holy Dhama there's nothing else to do but to chant and think about Krishna. I suppose if we lived there permanently then there would be more concern about maintenance and how we were going to survive, but even then there's a simplicity to it that's missing in America. We met this one devotee couple that were living a self-sustained existence by growing their own fruits and vegetables and stockpiling grains for the year. It was a living example of Srila Prabhupada's saying, "Simple living, high thinking". They didn't have TV or internet or mp3 players (although I think they had cell phones), but they were happy and content. It seems the more we simplify our lives, the happier we'll become.

But do we really want to live simply? Are we willing to give up our material comforts, technology and gadgets so that we can live a more Krishna-centered, Krishna conscious lifestyle? It really all seems to come down to desire. And desire is cultivated through association. The more we associate with the material modes of energy and non-devotional ways of thinking and acting, the more our desires for material comfort and sense gratification will increase. And conversely, the more we associate with devotees, the Holy Name and the sastras, the more our desires for Krishna Consciousness will increase. We truly are tatashta-shakti, marginal potency, trapped between the material and spiritual energies. It's a constant struggle back and forth between our lower and higher nature; our devotional (selfless) propensities vs. our demonic (selfish) propensities.

So here we are, back to the struggle, no longer sheltered by the transcendent atmosphere of Sri Vrindavan Dhama. Here I am, confronted with the choice to chant my rounds or not, to read the sastras or not, to watch TV or not, to give into the desires for sense gratification or not. I suppose as marginal potency, these choices are always there with us, but while I was in Sri Vrindavan Dhama the choice seemed so clear, so obvious, so beautiful and perfect: Krishna. And again, that's the power of the Holy Dhama. All we have to do there is become absorbed in the atmosphere and the Holy Name and Krishna will reveal Himself.

O, Gurudeva! I am so tiny and so insignificant. I am so weak and helpless against the Lord's illusory energy. I have no ability to over come it on my own. It is only through your mercy that I have any hope of remaining fixed in devotional service. Please give me the spiritual strength to remain fixed on your lotus feet and the lotus feet of Krishna. There is nothing else in this world worth mediating on.

O, Nitai! Your mercy is my only shelter and my only hope. Please transform this lowly servant's consciousness and purify my heart so that Krishna may reside there eternally. I am full of lust, envy, pride, anger and false ego. In this condition I will never be able to attain Sri Vrindavan Dhama. O, Nitai! By Your causeless mercy You can kick away all of these faults and impurities and allow me to become a genuine Vaishnava. This is my prayer and my hope. Please give Your mercy to me!

Material Fear and Anxiety

2008-12-23T08:23:00.006-05:00

In connection with our upcoming trip to Sri Vrindavan Dhama, some people have expressed concern about traveling to India after the recent terrorist attacks in Mumbai. If someone really thinks about it, though, the logic is quite faulty. It's like someone is Europe saying, "We should never go to anywhere in America again, because once there was a terrorist attack in New York City"! The fact is that terrorism, calamities, accidents and death can happen anywhere and at anytime. Every time we get into a car we're facing the possibility of an accident or death.

So does that mean we stay locked inside of our houses and never do anything due to fear and anxiety about what bad things could happen? Even if we stayed inside of our house we could be struck with a heart attack and die instantly. There's no fool-proof escape from death. Just as in the movie "Final Destination", they tried to alter their destiny or fate in so many ways to avoid death, but in the end death always found a way to get them. Death is an inevitable part of life.

We have two ways to deal with the reality of death. We can A) choose to be always fearful and in anxiety, worrying about how to avoid it and worrying about how and when it will happen or B) we can surrender to Krishna's will and desire and understand that it is Krishna's plan when and how we will have to leave our material body. The first option is full of material fear, anxiety, stress and worry. These are all mental concoctions and have no benefit, either physically or mentally. It is the mind only that begins to obsess about future events and possibilities. It is the mind only that creates the illusory world of "what if". The mind is such a powerful tool that can have extremely detrimental effects upon us, if we choose to listen to it.

In the second option, fear and anxiety are replaced by a sense of calm acceptance. It's akin to living in the now. When the mind is silenced you begin to realize that the only thing existing is the present moment. And in that present moment, with a silenced mind, you can perceive Krishna's presence and energy. It takes a deep faith to experience this. If we truly, genuinely believe in Krishna and that Krishna is protecting us and with us, then there is no possibility of fear or anxiety. And even if so-called, seemingly "bad" things happen, we are then able to see it as Krishna's loving arrangement. If the terrorist comes kicking the door in and shooting up the room, we can see how it's really Krishna coming to forcibly take us away, back to Goloka Vrindavan.

It's like Radharadhya said in a comment on one of my posts, when St. Terese saw her coughing up of blood as her Lord and lover embracing her and coming to take her away. It's all about perception and consciousness. The more we surrender to Krishna, the less fear and anxiety we will experience, but the more we hold on to our false ego and our attempts to control the material energy, the more our fear, anxiety and stress will increase.

Visiting the Holy Dhamas

2008-12-11T15:50:00.004-05:00

As our trip to Sri Vrindavan Dhama is approaching, I have to stop and reflect on my purpose and my intent in going. It's always been told to me that you can't get to Vrindavan with an airline ticket. It's also been said that you can't see the true Dhama if your heart is impure. If you go with an impure heart, all you will see are pigs, dogs, monkeys, poverty and garbage. In other words, all you will perceive is the external environment.

Vrindavan is in our consciousness and in our hearts. As a neophyte devotee, I find the purifying aspect of visiting the Holy Dhamas to be the most beneficial aspect of making the endeavor to travel. The simple act of traveling is in and of itself an austerity to enter the Dhama. The energy, the time, the money, etc. are all part of the purifying power of traveling to the Dhama.

This is my singular focus in visiting the Dhama: to become purified. We hear this term quite often as devotees, but, just like saying "Haribol", it can become one of those things we don't even think about the deeper implication of what it really means. We're not consciously thinking about it. "Yeah, I need to purify my heart." But what does this purification mean? Ceto-darpana-marjanam. The heart is dirty, just like a mirror covered with dust and dirt and grime. Just as we can't see our self in such a mirror, we can't see our true, spiritual self in our heart when it's contaminated. What are these dirty things covering the heart? Lust, greed, anger, desire for sense gratification, etc. Essentially anything that keeps us from being conscious of Krishna.

I was once talking to my wife about desire and chanting. I was saying that it's so much easier to NOT think of Krishna than TO think of Him. And it seems much easier and natural to do materialistic activities as opposed to devotional activities. I said, "When's the last time you heard someone say, "Ooo, you know what we should totally do?! We should chant like 32 rounds right now! Wouldn't that be awesome?!" No one seems to have that kind of zest, enthusiasm and excitement for devotional activities. Why is that? Because our hearts are full of materialistic desires for sense gratification. We only want the instant gratification. We don't want to work to attain genuine, transcendental happiness and pleasure.

And it comes back to the idea of becoming truly selfless. Selflessness is Vrindavan consciousness, Krishna consciousness. But in our conditioned state it's EXTREMELY hard to appreciate selflessness as genuine pleasure and happiness. In our conditioned state "happiness" means instant gratification of my senses and my desires. It's difficult to change our understanding and perception in this regard.

That's why we MUST cleanse the heart. Srila Prabhupada also gives the example of the person who has jaundice and how they experience the flavor of sweetness and being bitter. In our diseased condition we experience selfless service to Guru, Krishna and the Vaishnavas as being very bitter. But what is the cure for jaundice? To continue eating sweet things. Gradually the sweet flavor begins to come back. So when our hearing and chanting and seva is bitter, we simply have to keep doing it. Gradually we will come to the point where we can actually relish their sweetness.

I know, I know. This sounds like the same old rhetoric and dogma. It's the neophyte parroting what they've heard, but not really understanding or realizing it. I admit that I don't understand it. I know it's what the sastras and the acaryas have told us to do. All I can do is have faith in this process.

We should not enter the Dhama with the intention of enjoyment, neither gross or subtle. The desire for enjoyment should be completely absent. There should be a feeling of surrender and openness to Krishna's presence and desire. We should absorb ourselves in the spiritual, devotionally surcharged atmosphere and environment and take up the Holy Name with great faith and in a deep mood of prayer and desperation for Krishna. This is my goal and purpose for traveling to Sri Vrndavan Dhama.

He Krishna! He Govinda! He Radhe! Please purify my heart and consciousness and allow me to become free of bodily identification and desires for sense gratification! Please free me from the illusion of this material existence and allow me to come closer to You and engage in your eternal, loving service! This kind of desire must be cultivated if we truly want to experience the Holy Dhama and if we truly want to live a peaceful, purposeful, happy and fulfilled life. Visiting the Holy Dhamas is only one part of the devotional process, but if done properly it can be a powerful, transformative experience that has lasting, eternal benefit for our true self.

When Devotees Suffer

2008-12-04T15:49:00.003-05:00

I can't stop writing! I thought I was going to end with the previous post, but there are so many thoughts, realizations and reflections going on in my mind. I want to get them all out on the "paper".

Regarding the last post, I was thinking about how suffering comes to us because of our sinful (maya) activities. But then I was thinking about the devotees and considering why sometimes they have to experience seemingly material suffering? For example, just now HH Jayapataka Swami Maharaja is in a hospital in Mumbai after having experienced a serious brain hemorrhage. Of all the souls in the world, why would such a saintly, surrendered Vaishnava devotee of the Lord have to experience such a terrible thing? Here we come back into the sticky, vague, ephemeral, intricate, complex world of karma. Perhaps there just simply isn't any way for us to logically understand it. Perhaps it was the misdeeds of his disciples. Perhaps it was some karmic reaction from something in a previous life. Who are we to understand or comprehend it?

I even think about my own Guru Maharaja and how he had to struggle and suffer with cancer. Why? He was completely surrendered to Srila Prabhupada and Krishna. What was the necessity of him having to experience such physical, mental and emotional trauma? Again, there are no easy answers here.

As a neophyte devotee, it's easy to question, "Well if even staunch, surrendered devotees have to experience this kind of suffering, then why bother trying to be a strict devotee? Why not just enjoy my senses then? After all, suffering is going to come anyway!" But is our intention as devotees really an attempt to end all suffering? Are we like the Buddhists who want to enter into a state of blissful nothingness? No. The goal of the bhakta is not to bring an end to material suffering, but rather to bring pleasure to Krishna.

This sort of consciousness can only be understood in sarangati or complete surrender. "Thy will be done". The true devotee doesn't care about their own suffering or inconvenience. They don't care about their own pleasure or happiness. They only want to serve the devotees and Krishna. They accept material suffering and struggle as Krishna's sweet will. They are not experiencing the karmic results of any sort of misdeed, because they have completely given themselves to the Lord. So where is this suffering coming from? Why does Krishna bring it to them?

It is a very esoteric and deep topic. Only the pure devotee that is experiencing it can really understand or interpret it. It's an individual experience meant for that particular devotee's own internal cultivation. Krishna gives each one of us individualized attention and brings to us what we need in order to come closer to Him. He krishna karuna-sindhu! He is an ocean of mercy and that mercy comes in various forms. To the outsider it may appear that a pure, fully surrendered devotee is suffering just like anyone else, but in reality that devotee is experiencing a deep, internal bliss and connection with Krishna.

I think it was in one of HH Satsvarupa Maharaja's books (or maybe it was one of HG Hari Suari Prabhu's books) where there is this photo of Srila Prabhupada looking extremely grave and sad. He almost looks depressed. Someone asked him why he looked so sad and Srila Prabhupada replied that he wasn't and that at that moment he was experiencing a profound ecstasy. So from our external vision we cannot always understand what's going on within the heart of the pure devotee.

Obviously the suffering of a neophyte is something different. There is still karma to be burned off and sometimes there is still indulgence in sense gratification. But the pure devotees, those who are fully surrendered, they do not suffer like us and we should understand this. Their consciousness is on a different platform and their internal world is something we can't comprehend. We can't let the suffering of these great Vaishnavas weaken our faith or give us doubts about the process of devotional service. When we ourselves come to such a transcendental, purified state of consciousness, we too will understand first hand the overwhelming mercy and ecstasy experienced through such apparent suffering.

Lessons from the Srimad Speeding Ticketvatam

2008-12-04T15:10:00.002-05:00

I was just noticing that my blog entires have been slowly dwindling from month to month. I guess that's expected as the end of the school semester comes to and end and the frantic race to complete school work comes bearing down. It's almost over though. Just two more weeks.

I wanted to take this time to reflect on an event that just happened this past Monday night as I was driving home from school. I was pulled over for speeding. I didn't even notice or realize that perhaps I was going over the speed limit. I'm still not sure how I was, but the policeman said he clocked me on his radar. I mean, how can you dispute that? "No you didn't. I'm sure of it. You weren't looking at the radar. In fact, you don't even have a radar gun in your car!" So yeah, I was pretty much screwed. Now I have to make a court appearance in January. It's a whole mess.

After it happened I was trying to understand it from a Krishna Conscious perspective. After all, isn't that what we, as aspiring devotees, are supposed to do, i.e. - see everything as Krishna's arrangement? These were some of the realizations I garnered from the experience:

1. We may do something illegal (a metaphor for sinful activity or "breaking the regs") for an extended period of time without getting in trouble or getting caught (a metaphor for experiencing vikarmic reactions), but eventually the time will come when we have to experience the negative reactions for our activities.

I don't know anyone that follows the speed limit ALL of the time and many of us are guilty for driving well over the speed limit. We think nothing of it, but eventually we're going to get caught in a speed trap or not notice the police car behind us, etc. We may speed not necessarily because we're thrill seekers or because we want to break the law, but we may just be thinking, "I really need to get where I'm going quickly" or we may just be driving at a comfortable speed which isn't necessarily the speed limit.

The fact is, we're not thinking about the law, we're just thinking about OUR SELVES and what we want. "I want to drive fast or at whatever speed I want, so therefore I will!" It's a conscious choice. We all know speeding is against the law, but we don't consider it. We don't think we'll ever be that poor sap pulled over on the side of the road. But sooner or later we'll see the flashing lights in our rearview mirror and think, "Crap." It's karma coming to get us.

In the same way, we may think we can go on doing sinful, sense gratificatory (I know that's not a word. I just made it up!) activity and never have to experience the negative results, but eventually it's going to catch up with us. Sometimes as devotees we can look at the so-called karmis or materialists and think, "Well gee, that guy owns a meat shop, but he's got millions of dollars, he's handsome, he's got a beautiful wife and wonderful children, he's never sick, things are always going his way, etc., so why isn't he suffering like me? Or why are some devotees suffering more than him?" But the fact is this person WILL have to suffer, just perhaps not at this present moment in time. Karma is one of those subtle things that's sometimes hard to understand, even though as devotees we think, "Oh yeah, karma, I know what that is." All of our activities are building up a karmic bank account. Sooner or later we'll cash in on it, whether it's negative (vikarma) or positive (karma).

2. The other realization I was thinking about was the topic of choice. We all have the freedom to choose our thoughts and actions. I was making a choice (albeit perhaps an unconscious one) to drive over the speed limit. I can't blame anyone for getting a ticket except myself. It was in my hands, in my control. This goes back to karma and the quality of our lives. Sometimes we like to complain about our circumstances, but we're the ones who have created them! Such irony! Every time we choose not to chant our rounds, not to read the sastras, not to worship the Deities or choose to watch TV or watch a movie or listen to karmi music or break a regulative principle, etc., every time we make these choices there will be an investment into our karmic bank account. There will also be an affect on our consciousness, which will affect our perception of the world and ultimately our quality of life. Every moment we're making choices and decisions to influence our reality, yet we're not always aware of the seriousness or consequences our actions have. This goes back to us not really, truly understanding the laws of karma.

If we continually choose maya over Krishna, then we can't complain when the suffering comes. We can't complain when seemingly bad things happen to us. Karma is, as the Beatles sang, "gonna hit you right in the face". How can we be shocked when our lives become full of suffering and misery, both physically and mentally? It's a science. If I choose to speed, the consequence will be that I get a ticket and have to pay fines, go to court, etc. If I choose sinful activity (maya) over Krishna Conscious, devotional activities, then I will have to suffer the three-fold pangs of material existence.

Anyway, this is turning into a dissertation and I really should be studying for a quiz that I'm supposed to be taking in an hour. But as you can see, there are no limits to the lessons learned from the Srimad Speeding Ticketvatam. I could easily go on with other points, but like I said, this is already too long and I have work to do. As Tim Gunn would say, "Carry on".

Without Love

2008-11-20T16:26:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I was listening to a lecture by His Divine Grace Srila Gour Govinda Swami Maharaja in which he was mentioning how Krishna only accepts the love in our service and that if there is no love, Krishna doesn't accept it. It made me feel very despondent, because I have no love for Krishna. Even the service I perform for our Deities is devoid of love. It's mechanical and routine, like brushing my teeth and making the bed. Even the service I rendered to my Guru Maharaja was devoid of love. I did it because it seemed like that's what I was supposed to be doing as a brahmacari, but I never served him with love. I was always annoyed or tired or stressed or ungrateful. It was an emotionally and physically demanding service, one in which my consciousness was never in the right place.

One time in New Vrndavan, my Guru Maharaja and I were in his room there. I can't remember the details of what we were doing (perhaps he was dictating email responses), but suddenly, out of nowhere, he said to me, "You're problem is that you're so damn selfish. Even now you're doing service in a grudging mood, just thinking about when it's going to be over". I was taken aback by not only his blunt honesty, but the accuracy in his assessment of my consciousness.

How can we develop love for Krishna? It's like I mentioned some reflections back, it comes through serving Krishna's pure devotees. It cannot be received directly. In the spiritual world, Goloka Vrndavan, the highest aspiration is not to directly serve Krishna, but rather to serve the servants of Krishna. We can only know Krishna through his devotees, through the Vaishnavas. Krishna's presence, mercy, compassion and love manifest through them. Krishna is reflected in the mirror of their hearts.

So why can't I serve the devotees? Why do I have no desire to serve the devotees? Because there is no love in my heart. Only lust is there; only selfish desires and reflections. I think, "Why would I want to serve someone else? Why would I want to go out of my way to do something for someone else? What will I get out of it? That won't make me happy!" And I think back to my service to my Guru Maharaja. I was never happy as his personal servant. I couldn't appreciate it. I just always felt like he was pushing me and expecting too much of me. So when this topic comes up, the topic of selfless service, I can't wrap my head around it. I can't understand how that's supposed to make me happy.

And then "BAM!", there it is, there is the answer: it's because there is no love! Without love there is no selfless service and there is no joy and happiness in serving someone else! When we genuinely love someone, we'll do anything for them, because we just want to make them happy. When there's no love it's easy to think, "Meh...they'll be okay if I don't do this thing for them" or "I don't want to do that for them, because I won't get anything out of it!"

And then it makes me think about love in the material world and how it's related to addiction. We all know love in the material world becomes transformed into lust and when there is lust, there is something almost like an addiction. When we become lusty for sex or money or fame or wealth or whatever, there's an incessant meditation and reflection on the goal of desire. We can't stop thinking about it and we're willing to go through any austerity to attain it. It's like when Bilvamangala Thakur went through an intense storm in the dead of night to meet Cintamani the prostitute and she said to him, "If you had as much devotion to Krishna as you have to me, you would be a pure devotee!" or something to that effect.

The fact is we all have those things in our lives that are our addictions; those things in which we've reposed our love and devotion. And we do it because they bring us happiness and pleasure. By nature the soul is pleasure seeking (ananda-mayo bhasyat), so it's no wonder we run after sense gratification. Sense pleasure is a guaranteed instant fix for our depression and suffering. Having a bad day? Well why not go shopping or have sex or masturbate or listen to some music or watch some TV or watch a movie or drink some wine or do some drugs? Because we know these things will bring some sense of pleasure and happiness, but it never lasts and it always makes us feel empty.

So back to the question at hand: how do I develop a desire to serve the devotees? How can I see that their happiness and their satisfaction is my greatest pleasure? It takes such a pure heart to think in this way. If we're serious about developing love for Krishna, then we MUST develop love for the devotees. There's no question of loving and serving Krishna without it. I wish I could have loved my Guru Maharaja while I was personally serving him. I wish I hadn't always been so selfish and self absorbed...but it's so hard to stop the mind. It's so hard to stop thinking about our own problems, our own stress, our own worries, our own desires, our own happiness, our own struggles. If we could just stop thinking about ourselves (and this is something my Guru Maharaja used to always tell me), then we would truly become happy. I'm longing for that day when I can lay my self absorption to rest and focus on nothing more than loving and serving Krishna and His devotees.

Devotee or Demon?

2008-11-05T08:16:00.003-05:00

Why is it so difficult to be Krishna Conscious? I mean, genuinely Krishna Conscious, like completely surrendered to Krishna and thinking of Him constantly. Our minds find so many diversions and distractions and our senses are constantly pulling us to enjoy in various ways. We're completely in the thick of it, absorbed in our mental schemes for material happiness.

One of the most frustrating things for me is transposing or translating devotional, Krishna Conscious experiences into everyday, ordinary living. For example, the last time we went to Sri Vrndavan Dhama I felt so exhilarated and spiritually surcharged while there. I was enthused to be a devotee and eager to hear and chant. Then after our time there was over and we came back to our everyday existence, my spiritual enthusiasm was gone. I went right back into a materialistic consciousness and right back into the daily grind of work, school and sense enjoyment.

So why won't those powerful, devotional experiences stick? Why aren't they transformative to a point that it carries over into my everyday life? Why is it I feel Krishna Conscious in the Holy Dhamas, but not Krishna Conscious when I'm at work? It all has to do with association. Association nourishes our desires. Of course while being in the Dhama one will feel a deeper, stronger sense of Krishna Consciousness, because one is associating with devotees at every turn! While on the flip side, if I'm at work I'm associating with meat eaters, alcohol drinkers, sex mongers, etc. who are interested in nothing more than sense gratification and materialistic desires. So why would I be inspired or enthused to chant or perform devotional service in their company?

It's just so difficult. We can't control our association in the reality of work and school. I mean, sure, we could just renounce it all and move into a temple, but if one is a "family guy" with responsibilities and dependents, it's not so easy to just say, "Let's give it all up and just worship Krishna in the temple." There has to somehow be a balance and that balance is so elusive. It actually makes me feel schizophrenic at times, living these two dual lives, two dual identities. When I'm at the temple or with devotees then I'm a devotee, but when I'm at work or school I'm just some artist guy with a family. It's hard to maintain a sense of being a devotee in non-devotional environments. So it's like I live in two different, opposing worlds where I have two opposing personalities.

So how can I just be a devotee all of the time? How can I maintain a sense of enthusiasm for the devotional process all of the time? How can I be eager to chant and hear about Krishna all of the time, even when in those non-devotional environments? I don't know. I don't have the answers. All I have is a sense of hopelessness. In this Kali-yuga our only means of salvation and hope is through mercy. The mercy of Sri Sri Guara-Nitai and the mercy of Sri Guru. It's all about the mercy. We have no ability, no qualification, no strength to overcome maya. It's only through mercy that we can attain Krishna Consciousness. Therefore I beg for the mercy of the most merciful Sri Nityananda Prabhu. His mercy descends to us through the agency of Sri Guru, the bonafide representative of Krishna. We must seek out such a Guru and beg for his mercy and serve him without duplicity. That is our only chance of knowing Krishna and becoming genuinely Krishna Conscious. Otherwise, left to our own devices, we will never become Krishna Conscious. We will fluctuate between devotional and material aspirations, tossed back and forth between our higher and lower desires and constantly pondering the question, "Am I a devotee or a demon?"

When Krishna is Hiding

2008-10-27T15:58:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I have those days where I just don't feel Krishna Conscious. I may serve our Deities, listen to a lecture by Srila Gour Govinda Maharaja or to a bhajan and yet I find my mind completely disinterested or distracted. I don't really chant japa all that much anymore, but when I did on a regular, daily basis I would also encounter this mechanical, distracted sort of mind frame. Sometimes we experience a taste for devotional activities and yet at other times we find ourselves struggling to chant or to be in a Krishna Conscious mindset.

There's a wonderful purport in the Bhagavad-gita where Srila Prabhupada likens devotional service in the beginning stages to military service:

"The Lord instructs that one has to become fully Krsna conscious to discharge duties, as if in military discipline. Such an injunction may make things a little difficult; nevertheless duties must be carried out, with dependence on Krsna, because that is the constitutional position of the living entity." (BG 3.30)

So in other words, we have to practice vaidhi-bhakti by following the regulative principles and our initiation vows even though we might not want to! So much easier said than done. It's so easy to be captured by maya and to become lazy and to find so many excuses.

Obviously living outside of the temple there are so many more obligations and duties that aren't directly related to devotional service. So it makes it a little more difficult to maintain a strict sadhana. But at least something should be done, right? I feel like at least we have our Deities which provide me a daily seva, but there's still a sense of lacking. I know I should really chant japa more often, but it's hard to find the motivation. Like I said above, even when I was chanting on a daily basis while living in the temple I had those moments where there was no taste and no interest. There were those days where it didn't seem to matter if I chanted or not, because my consciousness and my heart weren't transforming. Did I lose faith in chanting?

I don't know what it is, but I just feel very empty today. It feels like a slight depression, like I have no motivation or interest for anything. I just feel like sleeping. Anyway, I have to keep moving. On to my next class for the next five hours and then the hour drive home. I just feel so tired.

Looking for Krishna

2008-10-24T18:10:00.005-04:00

I've had this idea for a blog entry for the past couple of months now (and it's this event that was one of the reasons I actually wanted to start a devotional blog). One time when I logged out of MySpace I saw the below screen:

I thought it was a humorous reminder of Krishna's presence: "Looking for Krishna?" Krishna is everywhere and in all circumstances and experiences. Curious to see what I would find by searching for Krishna through that link, one of the things I found was this:

Hare Krishna reading glasses? I like the line, "As you chant everything becomes perfect and clear"! Hah! Such irony all in one moment from logging out of MySpace.

This event made me start to reflect on how Krishna is always present with us, it's just that we're not always with Krishna. In other words, just because we're not conscious of Krishna's presence doesn't mean that He stops existing. His existence and omnipresence is independent of our realization of it.

It's so easy to forget about Krishna. There's so many ways to do it and it comes so naturally to us as conditioned souls. Television, sex, intoxication, pornography, shopping, work, school, video games, music, books, movies, gossip, physical health, bodily comfort, sports, hobbies, etc. The list could go on and on and become more and more specific and detailed according to our particular personalities and dispositions. The point is we've all found ways to become fully absorbed in the illusion that we are these material bodies and material personalities.

Through the gradual process of conditioning from the point of our birth we've assimilated our selves into the material, physical world. A baby has to learn how to be in this physical body again; how it moves, how to control it, what is pleasurable, what is painful, etc. By the time we're small children it's all over - we believe ourselves to be this physical body and mind. And not only are we fighting the conditioning from this life, but the conditioning from the many millions of births we've already taken.

Just like Pavlov's dog we are conditioned to respond to the sensory stimulus around us. We are driven by our senses and our mind, unaware and unconscious of our eternal, spiritual nature and unaware of Krishna's presence. How unfortunate we've become! Yet because of our conditioning we stay comfortable in our ignorance, comfortable in our suffering, because it's all we know and we accept it as real because our material senses tell us it is.

As aspiring Vaishnava's we must cultivate the practice of looking for Krishna everywhere and in everything. Not just the good things, but even the bad. It takes moments of quietude and reflection to feel this presence. It takes a settling in to the now, to the moment. When the mind becomes still and the past and future fall away, in that space we can see Krishna smiling. As we become more and more receptive to Krishna's presence, He reaches out to us through the material energy (just as recently happened to my wife when He gave her one of Prabhupada's books in the most unusual and unexpected of ways). There are those events that cannot be taken as coincidence or accident.

One time, while in the post office waiting in line, I looked down on the floor and saw a picture of Sri Nathaji starring back at me! It was a small, little card with a picture of Sri Nathaji on it. What were the odds? Sometimes Krishna even speaks through people in our environment, even though they're not devotees. The fact is, and this is the point I'm trying to make, is that Krishna is EVERYWHERE and AT ALL TIMES! He simply hides from us, because it's our desire to try and enjoy separately from Him. We want the distractions, we want the maya, because it gives us some sense of happiness and pleasure. We're ignorant to the true happiness, bliss and peace that comes from constantly being in touch with Krishna.

Gurudeva, without your mercy I fear that I will remain in my conditioned state. I fear I will forever be addicted to sense gratification. Krishna's illusory energy is so powerful that I don't know how to overcome it. It's only by your causeless mercy that I will have any chance of becoming free from my bodily identification and desires for sense gratification. I cannot keep my mind fixed on Krishna and therefore I fall into the duality of happiness and distress in this material world. How will I ever come to the state of seeing Krishna always and everywhere in every situation and every circumstance? It is only through your mercy, Gurudeva. Please give me your mercy so that I may have some hope on this path of devotional service.

The Great Harinama Sankirtan Debate

2008-10-23T16:35:00.004-04:00

Well, it's not really a debate, because I'm not disagreeing that harinama sankirtan is an important form of preaching and spreading Krishna Consciousness. After all, chanting the Holy Name is the yuga-dharma and Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu Himself propagated love of God through sankirtan.I guess the "debate" becomes: are there other valid and bona fide ways of preaching and sharing Krishna Consciousness with others? Just based on the results that my beloved Guru Maharaja gained, I would unequivocally agree that it's completely possible to bring jivas to the path of bhakti via other avenues of preaching than just harinama sankirtan and book distribution.

The first step in effective preaching is rapport. When someone trusts us they become comfortable with us. When they become comfortable with us they become more receptive to our thoughts, ideas and beliefs. When that kind of field is created, there is a conducive environment for Krishna Consciousness to be planted and cultivated. That kind of rapport begins by us just being decent, humble and kind humans. There's a certain calm and peace that people can perceive by being around devotees.

Anyway, it could be said that maybe I'm making this all too complex and abstract, but for me it's just a natural way of thinking and being. It could also be said that maybe I'm just trying to find ways to justify my lack of direct preaching through harinama sankirtan and book distribution, but I don't feel that's a fair assessment. I would gladly do these things if the opportunity presented itself.

In reality, there can't be effective preaching without effective sadhana. And I don't claim to be fixed in my sadhana at all. So for me, I really don't even consider pro-active preaching activities. I don't feel fixed enough in my own sadhana and my own consciousness to be trying to persuade or convince others that they should practice devotional service. I'm more of an accidental preacher.

The Trolley Preacher

2008-10-17T20:39:00.004-04:00

Thursday morning I had to park at the East campus parking lot at Kean, because the main lot was full. When you do this you have two choices: walk a long distance to the main campus or wait for a trolley/shuttle to drive you there. Having once walked and experiencing first hand the misery of the trek, I decided to wait for the shuttle. The first five minutes of the shuttle were uneventful. Students chatting, some sitting in silence, starring out the window. Then all of a sudden a black, West African woman starting talking really loud.

At first I thought she was talking on her phone, but then I realized she didn't have a phone, nor one of those wireless earpieces. And then I finally could understand what she was talking about: how Jesus is our salvation and the only way to God. She started talking louder and louder and becoming more passionate and fiery. You could feel a collective uneasiness and tension on the trolley. Some people just fazed her out and continued talking to their friends. I sat there starring at her and listening to what she was saying. It was the same old born again type of rhetoric and propaganda. At one point I wanted to say: "So then all of the Muslims, Jews and Hindus are going to hell? What kind of God is that?" But I couldn't do it.

And then it got me thinking: why can't I have that kind of passion for telling others about Krishna? Sure, preaching on a trolley by loudly telling everyone, "Krishna loves you! You're not your material body! You're an eternal spirit soul! You're just serving your senses and becoming more and more entangled in the cycle of birth and death! Give up your selfish, material desires and just serve Krishna!" I would probably look like a loon and no one would take me seriously. So obviously it's not the most effective form of preaching or sharing Krishna Consciousness, but I had to appreciate this woman's conviction, devotion and passion.

Perhaps the problem is that I don't have that kind of conviction? Perhaps I don't feel that sense of urgency to share Krishna with others because I myself am not fully convinced of the process? I don't know. I don't feel like that much of a doubtful, faithless agnostic, but maybe there's some connection as to why I don't feel the need to actively "preach". One of my dear god brothers said to me, "What is preaching? What does that even mean anymore?" when I had told him of a dream I had in which we were preaching together. And it's a good question. What is preaching in this 21st century?

Do we really need to go out into the streets performing kirtan and distributing books? Is that even the most effective way to share Krishna Consciousness with others? Or does it make us look like the trolley preacher, loudly proclaiming the glory of God, but everyone looking at us like we're crazy and unable to relate to practical reality? Is it better to "preach" as a devotee just by being a decent, humble and service oriented person? And then if people become receptive we then share deeper aspects of Krishna Conscious philosophy and practice? To me that seems the more effective way of going rather than stirring up people's collective consciousness stereotypes of the Hare Krishna's as fanatical, robed cult members who pass out roses in airports.

Perhaps that way of preaching, i.e. - the preaching style and method of the late 60's, 70's and 80's was also related to desa-kala-patra or time, place and circumstance. In other words, what worked then won't necessarily work now. Can't we adapt our methods of sharing Krishna Consciousness without diluting or altering the essential principles and message? I believe we can and I believe it's inevitable that we constantly have to come up with creative ways of sharing Krishna Consciousness. Being in the line of my beloved Guru Maharaja, HH Bhakti Tirtha Swami Maharaja, he was all about the spiritual espionage; finding unconventional and "sneaky" ways of getting others to accept and practice bhakti-yoga. How glorious is this kind of preaching.

I feel that as devotees we have a duty to share Krishna with others. In a sense we have to "pay it forward" (I hate that term, but it's applicable and necessary). We have to give back what Srila Prabhupada gave to us. He went through so much austerity and inconvenience (from a material perspective) to bring us Krishna. How can we ignore or deny it? How can we be so callous and hard-hearted that we don't care or bother to carry on his legacy? We all just have to find our own little way of spreading Krishna Consciousness, just as the tiny spiders and chipmunks were tossing their tiny stones into the bridge that Sri Ramacandra built to Lanka. We have to make that kind of humble offering.

I'm sure I won't stand up on the trolley next week and start belting out the prayers to the Six Goswamis, but perhaps I can be more conscious of the opportunities to share with others the benefits of vegetarianism, yoga, restraint from intoxication, the need for spiritual awareness, etc. And of course the more conviction and faith I develop in the process of Krishna Consciousness the more I will be enthused and able to share it, thereby pleasing my Guru Maharaja, Srila Prabhupada and ultimately Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu.

Attack of the Migraines

2008-10-06T15:47:00.003-04:00

This past Friday I suffered a terrible migraine. I always see flashing, sparkling lights in the form of blindspots before the actual migraine itself kicks in. Once I see the lights I know bad things are ahead. I'll generally lay down and upon waking up will have a terrible, stabbing headache and intense nauseau, so much so that it usually makes me throw up.

Even just talking about it now is making me feel anxious. I feel like I'm living with the fear of not knowing when or where it will strike again. And there's nothing I can do about it. Total lack of control. I've tried to find triggers in the past, but everytime I think I've found what triggers it and I avoid that thing, I still get another migraine. I currently think it's when I have too many late nights and early mornings in a row and over an extended period of time (which is pretty much how this entire semester is going to be!). I actually told myself that after this last attack I would go to the doctor, but that creates even more anxiety, because many of the anti-migraine medications have a long list of side effects and rare (but possible) serious side effects, such as heart attacks and not enough blood to the heart, etc. Although I guess a heart attack would be the ultimate solution to a migraine!

I don't know. I hate living in this fear and anxiety. I feel like I haven't been myself the past few days since it happened. I feel so depressed and morose, like there's no hope and no solution to this problem. It's also making me feel very edgy and short tempered.

I know this is a test from Guru and Krishna. Are we only Krishna Conscious when everything is going "good" and going our way? Or do we fold and lose our faith when our material circumstances become difficult or adverse? I admit to having a tendency to want to run to sense gratification whenever I'm suffering in some way. I think we all do. It's human instinct and nature to seek pleasure and avoid pain.

Now more than ever I am realizing that I am in Guru and Krishna's hands. The lack of control I have over my migraines is forcing me to surrender to whatever Krishna desires. It's Krishna's will. No material solution, i.e. - migraine medication, is going to work if Krishna doesn't allow it. Why do we foolishly search for temporary, material solutions to our problems? Of course we have to take care of the physical body, but not at the expense of our devotional, Krishna consciousness. But when avoiding pain and trying to find solutions to our material discomfort become our primary focus and the center of our consciousness, then we lose our self to the illusion of bodily concerns and identification.

I take a deep breath. The anxiety is still oppressive and hanging over me. I feel like I just want to lay down. After all, when you're unconcious things are so much easier to deal with! What I really need to do is steer my focus elsewhere. I need to stop thinking about my body and stop worrying about how I'm going to solve the migraine problem. I need to stay absorbed in the now, absorbed in Krishna's presence.

Despondency in Krishna Consciousness

2008-10-02T15:17:00.003-04:00

Sometimes the odds seem so overwhelming. Sometimes the philosophy of Krishna Consciousness seems so difficult to apply in the "real world". Here we are, conditioned souls, faced with the task of becoming completely selfless and surrendered to Krishna. Sometimes Krishna seems so far away, so unattainable. I remember many a time at Gita-nagari crying in frustration and hopelessness of ever becoming a genuine devotee.

Often during my travels to and from school I'll listen to lectures by HDG Srila Gour Govinda Swami Maharaja. Sometimes they're uplifting, sometimes they're confusing and sometimes it's hard for me to focus on them. But this morning I was listening to a lecture in which he was explaining how Krishna becomes mad for Radharani's love. It all of a sudden struck me: Krishna is a person! Of course not a person like you and I, but a person in the sense of having a personality and being an actual, living being (albeit the Supreme Being and source of all existence!).

I know it may sound like one of those yeah-so-what-you-just-now-realized-that kind of realization, but it was deep and profound. Often we think of Krishna (well, if we even think of Him at all!) as being impersonal, distant, aloof, mythical, imaginary, make-believe, irrelevant, etc. But He's not! He's a real person with thoughts, feelings, emotions, characteristics, etc. and we can relate with Him as a person in a personal relationship! Again, this may sound like, "Yeah...that's kind of the philosophy there, Jayadeva. Where have you been?!" But to actually realize it and reflect on this point is very profound.

Krishna is our dear most friend, our dear most lover, our dear most child, our dear most master. He wants to have a loving, personal relationship with us. And our satisfaction comes from serving Him and increasing His pleasure by making arrangements for Him to experience Radharani's love and personal characteristics.

I was also reflecting on how we experience so much trouble with sex desire here in this material world. This is the greatest pleasure in the material realm. And why is that so? It's because it's a reflection of that madness, that love that Krishna feels for Radharani and that Radharani feels for Krishna. Real love, real prema is so powerful. We experience that perverted reflection here in the material world by our lusty desires towards the opposite sex (or sometimes even the same sex or both sexes). Our minds naturally gravitate towards thoughts of sexually enjoyment when we see a physically attractive person. This attraction is, in principle, the attraction that Krishna feels for Radharani, but in a distorted form. Here we're thinking about our own enjoyment, our own sense gratification, but in the spiritual realm, in Goloka Vrndavan, everyone is thinking of the pleasure of Krishna. Krishna is thinking how to please Radharani and Radharani is thinking how to please Krishna. They are controlled by each other's love.

Sometimes that love, that level of devotion, seems so far away. Here we are struggling with lusty desires and material desires, absorbed in our bodily identification and our selfish, mental meditations. We have no interest in chanting and hearing about Krishna. We have no interest in associating with sadhus or reading the sastras. All we are interested in is squeezing out a little sense gratification and trying to get some material comfort. It's a sad state of affairs.

Anyway, my battery is about to die and I have no outlet nearby, so I'll have to end this reflection here.

Honesty in Krishna Consciousness

2008-09-28T23:31:00.002-04:00

Once my Guru Maharaja said to me in an email that my honesty was a good quality. I was always very frank and honest with him, more so in the later years of our communication. He knew my weaknesses and knew I wasn't always able to follow my initiation vows. I was never delusional about that fact either, like, "Oh, my Guru Maharaja doesn't know I'm not chanting my rounds. I'll just pretend and tell him I am!" What would be the point of that? The only one I would be deluding would be myself.

I think sometimes as devotees we're afraid to be honest, because it means we may be seen in a negative light by others. We may be perceived as not as wonderful and devotional in the eyes of other, more "fixed up" devotees. But why should we worry about what other people think of us? Especially when those people may also have their own issues that they just don't put on public display? The fact is we're all struggling in Krishna Consciousness. Just because we don't talk about it doesn't mean it's not happening. Perhaps if we DID talk about our struggles more open and honestly, there would be greater healing and progress on the path of devotion. I think many times devotees don't want to talk about their struggles because they're afraid of that condemnation or ridicule from others.

Of course honesty has to come with humility and regret. We could be honest and say, "Yeah, I don't follow the regs, I don't chant and I watch tons of television, but whatever...at least I'm honest about it!" Stagnation and complacency in devotional service are dangerous impediments. We have to feel a genuine sense of remorse, "I can't meet this standard of devotional service. I wish I wasn't so fallen. I wish I could be more fixed in my sadhana and my vows." At the same time we shouldn't be driven by guilt. We don't want our actions in Krishna Consciousness to be guilt-based, i.e. - that we're only doing things because we'd feel guilty otherwise. Guilt has no place in devotional service. It's a negative and destructive emotion. Rather it's genuine humility that we must cultivate.

Being honest means being able to evaluate our level of devotion and surrender in an unbiased way. If we're honest with ourselves we can know where we are weak and what we need to work on. If we're not honest with ourselves, then we'll think that we're better than everyone else and that we have no faults and are never wrong. This type of delusional thinking is nothing more than an action of the false ego. We want to feel some sense of pride, value, importance or worth and if we make mistakes and aren't perfect then we can't feel this power. But pride is also a great stumbling block on the path of devotion. Just look at what happened to Indra.

Sure I watch television and movies, I listen to non-devotional music, I rarely chant my rounds, I read non-devotional books and magazines, etc., so does all of that make me not a devotee? I would say it makes me more of a fourth-class devotee. I still have faith in Srila Prabhupada, my Guru Maharaja and the process of devotional service, but I just know that I'm too weak, too materially attached and too full of lust and sex desire to fully surrender to Guru and Krishna. It is my own weakness and my own anarthas that keep me from the deeper, higher realizations of Krishna Consciousness. There is no fault in the process, the only fault is in my self. It's like being an alcoholic and not wanting to admit that you need help, even though you know you've got a problem. You still want to cling to the bottle, because it's comforting and stress relieving. You feel like if you give it up, then what will you be left with? Sometimes I feel that: what if I totally surrender to Krishna, then how will I enjoy my senses and my material existence? It sometimes feel so hopeless that I'll ever be able to fully surrender, but it's late and that's a reflection best left for another post.

Tamo Guna Humor

2008-09-27T10:00:00.003-04:00

I recently had the great (dis)pleasure of watching the film "Grandma's Boy". It was produced by Adam Sandler and if anyone knows Adam Sandler's repertoire of work, you pretty much know what you're getting into with "Grandma's Boy". I won't go into a lengthy review about the film, but what it did was spark a realization in me about the current trend of comedy films such "Napoleon Dynamite", Ben Stiller movies, Adam Sandler movies, Will Ferrell movies, David Spade movies, etc. The humor in these films is so low consciousness. It's why when after you're done watching one you feel sort of "moded out", as the devotees would say. You feel the sense of density and dullness. Of course there are sometimes funny moments in these kind of films, but the laughs are far and few between and the majority of the time is spent in the awareness of how stupid and ridiculous they are.

Association happens not only on the physical level, but it happens on the subtle level as well. This is also the great "danger" of listening to so-called "karmi music". These sound vibrations create impressions within our consciousness and add fuel to our self-centered, materialistic desires. What we associate with, we become. This is also why the Acaryas stress the importance of sadhu-sanga (if I were a great scholar and pundit I would add some sastric evidence here!). Through the association of more advanced Vaishnavas we develop faith, determination and enthusiasm in devotional service. Our bhakti creeper is fortified and nourished.

So why are these types of low-brow humor comedy movies so popular in today's society? It seems like an indication of the collective consciousness on this planet...which is frightening. There is a pervasive sense of ignorance and passion in the world, which is really nothing new or shocking. Passion and ignorance are the way of the conditioned jivas. These movies are so stimulating to such persons because they are relating to the energy, the consciousness. After all, in reality we are nothing more than spiritual energy. Everything is energy, vibrating and oscillating at various rates.

Anyway, if this were a movie review I'd say don't waste your valuable time watching "Grandma's Boy", but we all know as devotees we're not watching mundane movies anyway, right? Hmm...that just gave me an idea for a future post: honesty in Krishna Consciousness.

Out of Wine. Life is Crap.

2008-09-25T07:14:00.005-04:00

That's what the woman's shirt said yesterday at work. It was a pink t-shirt with an illustrated chalkboard sign next to an empty wine glass. On the sign it said "Out of wine." Underneath that there was a handwritten font that said "Life is crap."

I had to laugh in my head at the absurdity of the t-shirt's frank boldness. It also made me wonder about the character of the woman wearing the shirt. Does she really think life is crap without wine? Was it simply tongue in cheek? As it's said, there's always some truth in our joking.

Taking the message of this shirt in a literal way it's saying, "Without being constantly intoxicated, life is miserable and unbearable". The frightening and sad thing is that so many people have this type of mindset, if not in an overtly way than in their psyche. We need some type of intoxication, (which can manifest in a variety of sense gratifying activities from drugs to sex to shopping) in order to feel some sense of happiness, joy and satisfaction in life. It's the completely materialistic conception of life, i.e. - that the purpose of life is simply to pursue sense gratification. This is the ultimate goal of the materialistic person.

When I was looking for that above image, I found out that there is a company called "Life is Crap".

http://lifeiscrap.shop.musictoday.com/Default.aspx

They make all kind of t-shirts and accessories on the theme of when and why life is "crap". The themes are essentially when bad things happen to us. From a Krishna Conscious perspective we could look at this website and realize that life is not "crap" because bad things happen to us, rather bad things happen to us because of our past and current vikarma. And the only thing that makes us perceive these things as being "crap" is our mind. From a perspective of transcendence one can understand, "These things are happening to me from my previous misdeeds. They are simply happening as a reaction. All I can do is tolerate them." Of course a devotee wouldn't be running out of wine and thinking this! But as aspiring devotees seemingly bad things happen to us and our loved ones all of the time: illness, loss of money, loss of business, accidents, etc.

These events in and of themselves are not "crap", rather it's our crappy consciousness that makes them appear as "crap". (Wow...there's a lot of crap in this post!) It's all about how we perceive and codify the events in our lives. There's really nothing "good" or "bad" happening to us, but it's our minds that codify it as such.

It always comes back to the Avanti brahmana. You want to talk about life being crap! He had people taunting him, stealing his stuff, hitting him on the head, even farting and spitting on him and peeing on his food on a daily basis! Most of us would not be able to endure what he was experiencing, but never once did he say, "Life is crap!" Rather he understood his transcendental position as a spiritual being and could realize that everything he was experiencing was simply the three modes of material nature acting as a result of his past karma. This is the consciousness we're after! This is genuine Krishna Consciousness! Not the type of consciousness that says, "Oh, I don't have this, I don't have that, this bad thing happened, etc., so therefore my life is crap!" The only reason we should lament is because we're not genuinely Krishna Conscious. Now there's a t-shirt for you:

No Krishna Consciousness. Life is crap.

Moments of Illness

2008-09-22T17:03:00.004-04:00

We all know this material world is a place of suffering. We've all experienced it first hand: birth, death, disease and old age. It's relentless and overwhelming at times. The so-called happiness we experience is nothing more than a momentary cessation of the constant suffering we endure. Happiness and distress are constantly moving and shifting, like the waves coming and going on a beach.

I'm currently experiencing some illness, which I've self diagnosed as a "head and chest cold". I seem to always be prone to sinus infections. Why is that when we're experiencing sickness, it feels as if there will be no end and no relief from it? Yet when we're healthy, we forget the misery of sickness and can't remember ever being ill? It seems no matter which condition we're in, we forget about the former.

This is nothing more than illusion. When asked what the most astonishing thing about life is, Yuddhistira Maharaja exclaimed that it was even though a person sees his father die and his grandfather die and his great grandfather die, etc., that he still thinks, "I will never die!" We live our daily lives either ignoring or denying the fact of death, the fact of this temporary nature of our present existence and experience. Just as this sickness comes without warning, so too will death come.

I like to look at illness as an opportunity to connect deeper with spiritual truths, to apply the philosophy into our practical experience. My dear god brother HH Bhakti Dhira Damodara Swami once told me that illness is Krishna's mercy, because it is purifying us, burning off bad karma, and accelerating our progress towards Krishna's lotus feet. Sometimes it's difficult to appreciate this kind of realization when one is suffering intensely, both physically and mentally. But as aspiring devotees it is our duty to perceive suffering in this way, even if we can't genuinely appreciate the sufferings like Queen Kunti did. We are not so advanced to pray for the suffering and calamities to come, but we can be advanced enough to at least theoretically understand them as Krishna's mercy and to use them to intensify our devotion and focus on Krishna Conscious philosophy.

It is inevitable that my current illness will in time pass. It is also inevitable that my healthy state will also pass yet again. As Krishna advises Arjuna in the Bhagavad-gita, we must simply tolerate the appearance of happiness and distress, just as the passing of the seasons. This state of equipoise and transcendence echoes the consciousness of the Avanti brahmana. It is a full awareness of the Self as distinct from the experiences of the mind and senses. It is this type of awareness or Krishna Consciousness that we must aspire for. Otherwise our devotional practices are all for show. If we're not experiencing a genuine transformation of consciousness and of the heart, then what is the value of even calling myself a devotee?

Gurudeva, please give me this ability and vision to remain equipoised in happiness and distress. Please allow me to never forget Krishna, even amidst the greatest sufferings or the greatest pleasures. This material world is transitory and ephemeral. Please allow me to remain fixed in my true Self and to never lose focus of the goal, which is unconditional love for Krishna, for that is the only goal which will end all suffering.

Daily Life as Seva

2008-09-18T07:41:00.002-04:00

Sometimes it seems when we hear brahmacaris or sannyasis talk about Krishna Consciousness, there's a disconnect and lack of sensitivity to the everyday reality faced by those living outside of the temple or who are in the grhasta ashram. After all, they're spending their everyday directly preaching, serving the Deities, taking prasadam, etc. and not having to worry about credit card bills, gas prices, work, school, scheduling, children, etc. Their life is one of full dedication and absorption in devotional service, whereas for the grhasta it can be a struggle to remember Krishna in the midst of so much material distraction. It can also be difficult to see one's "daily grind" of work, school and family life as being connected to devotional service.

This morning I was reflecting on how my daily life is my austerity, it is my seva or service to Guru and Krishna. Getting myself ready in the morning, the 2-hour commute back and forth from school three times a week, getting my daughter ready in the morning, taking her to school, going to work, picking my daughter up, doing school work, etc. All of these things are my service. It's simply our consciousness that determines if it's mundane or transcendental. When Krishna is at the center and is the conscious focus of one's activities and life, then everything one does is an act of devotional service (of course within the parameters of Vedic rules and regulations).

So we have to begin to see everything that we're doing as service towards the greater goal of becoming Krishna Conscious. Of course it's not that easy to just say it and it happens. There has to be constant reflection and use of intelligence and also sadhu-sanga and study of the sastras. By slow and steady progress we become Krishna Conscious, not overnight. And I admit to the difficult nature of always remembering Krishna, especially when you're in the thick of maya at work or school. I can go all day at work and not think of Krishna once and then when I'm leaving and getting in my car I realize, "Wow...I didn't think of Krishna at all while I was working!" It's depressing at times, but at least I'm aware of the problem.

Gurudeva, please bless me with the ability to always see Krishna constantly at every moment, in every experience and in every situation. Without that vision I will surely be swept away by the powerful waves of illusion.

Lessons of the Avanti Brahmana

2008-09-17T08:13:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was a bit emotionally turbulent for me. I won't go into the details (for professional reasons), but let's just say that I was experiencing some adhibautika (sufferings caused by other living entities), which lead to adhyatmika (sufferings caused by the self/mind). How is it that we give so much control of our mental states to other living entities? One word or one comment can be enough to send us into a state of anger or depression. Why are we so affected by others opinions or perceptions of us? Obviously it's simply due to the false ego, but just saying and knowing that in theory doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Others harsh comments still sting, still affect us on an emotional, psychological level.

I wish I could be more like the Avanti brahmana, who's tale is narrated in the 11th Canto, 23rd chapter of the Srimad Bhagavatam (http://vedabase.net/sb/11/23/en1):

"The brahmana said: These people are not the cause of my happiness and distress. Neither are the demigods, my own body, the planets, my past work, or time. Rather, it is the mind alone that causes happiness and distress and perpetuates the rotation of material life." (S.B. 11.23.42)

We all have the choice of how we assimilate and interpret our experiences. We can see someone's harsh comment from the point of view of the false ego and think, "Why is this person so mean? They don't even know me! Now I'm going to avoid this person or think ill of them!" or we can perceive it with the intelligence and see it as Krishna speaking to us through Paramatma, "Oh, Krishna is speaking to me through this person. What lesson am I to be learning from this in order to make advancement on the path of devotion?"

Every moment, every experience, is a chance to make spiritual advancement. There is never a moment where Krishna is not present. So as aspiring devotees, we must have faith that everything we experience is being arranged by Krishna, even the seemingly "bad" things, i.e. - things that aren't pleasing to our mind or senses. That type of surrender will bring us closer to Krishna. It will bring in us a sense of calm and inner peace. It's what allowed the Avanti brahmana to ignore the disrespect and abuse of others. A lofty platform? Certainly, but one that can be attained through constant practice and self reflection.

Insect vs. Human vs. Soul

2008-09-15T16:25:00.005-04:00

A small winged insect crawls on the window pane next to me. It's oblivious to the sufferings of humanity. It's only concern and focus is where to find food, where to find a mate and how to survive. How does that make me any different? There are thousands of students on this campus, roaming hither and thither, just like the insect: looking for food, sex and comfort.

I look again and the insect is cleaning its eyes and antennae. Now its cleaning its back legs by rubbing them together. Cleanliness is next to godliness, isn't it? I think about our pet dog who could be a vegetarian, doesn't have sex, doesn't gamble and doesn't take intoxication. So how am I any different if I don't pursue and focus on my spiritual life?

Every moment is a chance to reflect on Krishna's presence. The pure devotees never forget about Krishna, even in the face of great suffering and chaos. I could make so many excuses why I don't have the time to think about Krishna, yet Krishna is still there. His presence simply obfuscated by the thin veil of maya. But why is it only in quiet moments of contemplation that I find Krishna's presence so strongly? Why not in those chaotic moments of work and school can I see Krishna before me? Is it because I don't WANT to see Krishna?

The insect still sits there on the window pane, rubbing its back legs together. What kind of life is that? What purpose does it have? As human beings we may look at the insect and think, "What a foolish creature! It's just sitting on the window pane, cleaning itself and looking for food and sex and then it dies! What a meaningless life!" Yet how different are the lives we're leading? "Sophisticated animals", Srila Prabhupada called them.

How can I claim to be a devotee of Krishna if I do not even practice the devotional principles in my own life? I've seen both worlds, i.e. - the world of daily devotional practice and the world of full absorption in maya, and I've seen that the latter is so empty and depressing. When I moved out of the temple at Gita-nagari and back home to my father's house, this realization was even more enhanced. At one point I became so depressed with my lack of devotional service and consciousness. I shared this with my Guru Maharaja to which he replied:

"If you think about it, just living an ordinary life devoid of devotion is damn boring."

And he's right. It's just like the life of the insect crawling on the window. Real life is devotional life, spiritual life; living a life full of service to Guru, Krishna and the devotees. That is real purpose, because it's eternal. It connects us with our genuine, eternal selves, not with the illusion of bodily and mental identification.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking we're human, of thinking we're this body and mind. But we're not! We're pure energy, pure jiva full of bliss, eternality and pure knowledge. How easy it is to forget this. I pray to my Guru Maharaja to continue blessing me with the realization that life without his service and service to the Vaishnavas and Krishna is meaningless.

No Time

2008-09-14T22:29:00.003-04:00

I have no time to start a blog. I have no time to chant Hare Krishna. I have no time to visit the temple. I have no time to associate with devotees. So what do I have time for? Going to school, going to work and finding ways to gain some fleeting sense of happiness through sense gratification. It's amazing how we have time for the things that we WANT to do or for the things that bring us pleasure.

When personal sense gratification is involved, we can tolerate all kinds of distress and unpleasant situations. If we perceive the goal as great enough, we can go all day without eating or drinking and all night without sleeping, because we think, "Who cares that I'm suffering in this way, because in the end the pleasure or happiness I get from this will all be worth it!" Yet when it comes to Krishna Consciousness and devotional service, i.e. - selfless service with no personal motivation, we all of a sudden can't stand even the slightest inconvenience or austerity! The problem is that we don't perceive the value of it. It's abstract, ethereal, conceptual. It has no bearing on our reality and there's definitely no instant gratification from it. So we think, "Why would I want to stay up all night chanting Hare Krishna? Why would I want to not eat all day long on a festival day? Why would I want to spend 2 hours in the car traveling to the temple?" There's no perception of the value.

Our consciousness is conditioned, diseased, contaminated, therefore we can't perceive the value of performing these austerities in devotional service. Conditioned consciousness thinks only of selfish pleasure and personal comfort and happiness. There's no other consideration. We consider the value of things based on how much pleasure it's going to bring us and we accept or reject things based on this system of evaluation. It's all the mind, i.e. - mental platform. In this state we'll never understand or appreciate the value of Krishna Consciousness in our daily lives.

So what to do? I am an unfortunate soul. I have no time for Krishna Consciousness. I only have time to pursue my personal goals of sense gratification and material comfort. And I am even more unfortunate because I am like the alcoholic that doesn't even see that they have a problem and can't cry out for help. "I'm fine, I'm fine", they say, as they're falling and stumbling and vomiting on themselves. I can't even cry out to Guru and Krishna to help me, because I think my condition is fine. "This is just the way life is. I go to work and school and sometimes I do Krishna Conscious activities." Contentment leads to stagnation. Stagnation leads to spiritual death. If there is no yearning for Krishna, no sense of urgency or desperation or eagerness for Krishna Conscious activities, then that is spiritual death.

Anyway, I have no time to continue writing, because it's late and I have to get up early to continue the cycle of having no time for Krishna. Krishna! Krishna! Hey Govinda! Hey Gopal! Please never let me forget You, even amidst this terrible ocean of material suffering and temptations! You are my only refuge. Please send your sincere devotees to me so that I may have their association, for it is only through Your pure devotees that I can know You.