Daily Meditation on my Gurudeva - Day 6: "Gravity"

Gravity. That’s what this photo of my Guru Maharaja exudes. He wasn’t all Cheshire cat grin and laughter all of the time. Many times when I was with him his mood was like this: introspective, quiet, serious, grave. We hear that the word “guru” can be translated as “heavy” and my Gurudeva could be “heavy” with the best of them. His “heaviness” came from the gravity that he possessed.

I’m starting to realize these reflections can start heading into a glorification of the 26-Vaishnava qualities that my Guru Maharaja manifested. I don’t mean for this, nor want this, to become some sort of empty, pontification of a disciple fawning over his Spiritual Master. I want these reflections to go deeper, like it was for the Day 1 meditation. I don’t want this to become another emotionless routine or ritual.

So this gravity he possessed, why did he possess it and what does it mean to me? Obviously he was acutely aware of his vows and mission to serve Srila Prabhupada. That was his life and soul. He took time management very seriously and never wanted to waste a moment not somehow serving. This is in stark contrast to my frivolity and strong affinity for time wasting.

Where does one get this seriousness and determination in devotional service? It really, truly is a priceless gift and blessing from Sri Guru. Without being serious on this path of bhakti, how will we ever make progress? If we don’t take chanting or our vows or any other devotional practices seriously then how could we ever attain any tangible results? We’ll just start to think, “Yeah, this chanting stuff doesn’t work. I’ll just go watch TV.”

Being grave is essential to cultivating true bhakti. It comes from an awareness of our mortality and our limited time in these bodies. It comes from being committed to the higher cause of serving the needs and wants of Sri Guru and not our own minds and senses. It comes from a sense of responsibility towards Sri Guru. If we’re really in touch with and deeply connected with Paramatma then we’ll always be aware of His presence. We’ll always be thinking, “I don’t want to waste time in this sense gratification, because Sri Guru is watching me and this wouldn’t be pleasing to Him.”

This is a quality I also sorely lack. I usually just end up being tossed around by the whims of my mind. I pray to my Gurudeva in this grave mood that he please also bless me with genuine gravity so that I can take this process of devotional service much more seriously.

Daily Meditation on my Gurudeva - Day 5

This is a version of my Gurudeva that I am very familiar with. When I think of him this is how I most remember his activities and mood. Sure, there was the preaching with the different outfits and all of that, which I also remember, but this was like his real, inner mood manifesting. The kirtans were always so ecstatic when he was there leading. Complete abandonment of ego and just getting lost in the Holy Name and connecting with other Vaishnavas in the heart. That’s what his kirtans were. They were pure magic.

In this photo he’s holding that favorite drum of his. Sometimes he would let someone else hold the drum while he would keep the stick and continue to play it while singing and dancing. I remember one time being so fortunate to have this service. For some reason this drum reminds me of Sri Abhirama Thakur’s “whip” (which is also said to really be a bamboo rod) named Jaya Mangala. Not that my Gurudeva would hit people with the drum or drumstick, but just thinking of the similarities of the blessings this object could bestow.

I’m not saying that drum gave me Krishna-prema, but maybe I received a little drop of mercy from engaging in my Gurudeva’s personal service. That tiny drop of mercy has been the only reason I keep coming back to Krishna Consciousness. I think without that mercy I would have fallen away a long time ago and totally re-assimilated myself back into the world of maya. I jumped back into the ocean of maya with gusto back in 2002, but by some causeless grace, even then, I could never totally forget about Krishna.

Maybe that drum did have some magic in it. Or maybe, more likely, I was fortunate enough to have served and been in the presence of a pure Vaishnava such as His Divine Grace Srila Bhakti Tirtha Swami.

Daily Meditation on my Gurudeva - Day 4

  

Gita-nagari. Not sure of the year. I remember putting that turban on his head up at the Institute House before the ceremony began. I remember being nervous that I didn’t want to bend his ear or scratch his head or make the turban too tight or something. For some reason he really liked this style of turban.

Yeah, that’s me up in the front. I don’t even remember that guy. Clean shaven, young, stereotypical round framed glasses on a monk, straight tilak. I was sitting in front of the fire yajna pit, assisting Brahma-muhurta (which basically meant just making sure the fire didn’t go out). See that grave look on my face? I was serious. Dead serious, because I knew I shouldn’t have been sitting there. I shouldn’t have been part of such a sacred ceremony, because by this point I knew I was a markata-vairagyi, a monkey renunciate. I had no right even wearing saffron. I had been struggling with sex desire and was contemplating putting on white.

For whatever reason my Guru Maharaja constantly encouraged me to stay on the path of brahmacarya and urged me to see these temporary set backs as just little bumps in the road. Even after I went to West Africa I thought the message from Krishna was to become more honest about my level of surrender and to stop pretending to be a brahmacari. But my Gurudeva again contradicted those feelings in my heart and told me I was overacting to the test. It was almost like he was insistent that I stay a brahmacari.

Looking back, I now know why he was so encouraging, loving and supportive of me staying on the path of renunciation. He knew my putting on white (changing ashrams) and moving out of the temple wasn’t going to be a solution. He knew it was going to ultimately bring more misery, pain and suffering. He was trying to protect me. Even with my faults as a so-called celibate monk, he didn’t want me to give up, give in and try to take the easy way out. He wanted me to fight, to persevere, to overcome, to reaffirm my vows. He wanted me to see the challenges and “fall downs” as a catalyst to become stronger. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be what he desired of me. I instead pursued my own desires, my own plans and I am now enjoying the “roller coaster ride”, as he once told me I would be. In the symbolism of this photo he is hovering above me, lovingly trying to guide me. That’s what he was trying to do all along. But I was too young, too naïve, too lazy and too selfish to do the needful.

At this initiation ceremony he was still lovingly trying to engage me in service. Just like Sri Nityananda Prabhu, he was overlooking my faults, not holding them against me. He wasn’t thinking, “Jayadeva is much too contaminated or fallen to engage in this seva.” This is such an amazing Vaishnava quality. A Vaishnava does not look at someone in the context of their past transgressions. They don’t hold grudges or resentment or look down at others because of their past sinful actions. It’s a quality that I also need to sorely develop.

Daily Meditation on my Gurudeva - Day 3

 

I saw this photo for the first time when I was in Benin, Nigeria back in 2000. It was a window into the past of a version of my Guru Maharaja that I had never known. I don’t know the history of this photo, like where it was taken, what year, etc. I would assume it’s a photo of him in West Africa.

Everyone knows by now the stories of my Guru Maharaja preaching in West Africa and how he came to the conclusion to go and preach there. When I traveled there and came back psychologically/emotionally beaten and defeated we had a few email exchanges. This first quote is from when I was still in Nigeria and the quote following is from when I had already returned to Gita-nagari:

"Africa of course is an especially difficult place. Benin is full of subtle influences. Anyway you will grow from this experience. As soon as you are strong enough to return you can come back. But, if later you want to visit Ghana for one or two weeks before you come back then you can. Ghana is not as difficult as Nigeria. We have a lot of services here for you so the devotees of course will be happy to see you. Now you can understand a little better of some of the things I have had to do in trying to spread Krishna consciousness in different parts of the world." 

 

"Even when I am in Nigeria, I am never relaxed. How I worked there for so many years is only because I knew that Srila Prabhupada would want me to do this work. Somehow Krishna was very kind to me because I only caught malaria once in all those years. So it seems like taking the neem really helped."

Indeed, I had just experienced first hand the intensity of preaching in such a complex environment (at one point in an email from him he even said to me, "There is so much more use of subtle influence in the African continent. As a matter of fact devotees are always thinking that they are being attacked by each other, unfortunately sometimes it is actually true."). It only goes to prove the level of his empowerment. He didn’t waiver in the face of adversities while there. In stark contrast I folded and caved like a house of cards. A person’s true qualities are revealed in the face of difficulties. Do they run? Do they become stronger? Do they fall back into sense gratification? Do they become more faithful and surrendered?

My Gurudeva’s life and his responses to adversity were proof of his level of spiritual advancement and the spiritual blessings conferred upon him. I can only pray to one day become so fixed and resolute in my own determination and devotion. He walked his talk and was a shining example of success on the path of bhakti.

Daily Meditation on my Gurudeva - Day 2

 

This is one of the first photographs I had seen of my Guru Maharaja. The very first one I ever saw was from the same photo shoot as this one, but instead of chanting on japa beads he has his hands folded in a praying-hands greeting (namaste). This was during the time he was known as Srila Krishnapada and was pioneering his IFAST preaching strategy. When I first saw that photo it was a photocopied version on the cover an IFAST booklet (from a program that Hladini-shakti and Radha-sundari had arranged in Detroit).

I had been going to the Sunday feasts at the Detroit temple (Fisher Mansion) for some months (back in ’94) when I was informed by Bob Roberts of a new “bhakta program”. I was still a senior in high school at the time, but I decided to make the time to attend the meeting. It was then that I saw this picture of my Guru Maharaja. It struck me and stirred my soul. You sometimes hear about devotees saying they just knew that a particular spiritual master was their guru, whether they heard his voice or saw a photo or met in person.

I didn’t know what I was feeling and I didn't want to just haphazardly accept someone as guru, so I talked to Radha-sundari in her kitchen as she was pouring cold, berry zinger tea for everyone. I explained that I felt like I had a connection with this spiritual master. She said it could definitely be a past life connection, but that I should just keep an open mind and open heart to instructions from everyone and that in time I would know for sure. It was such practical, non-fanatical advice.

After that moment though I knew he was my Gurudeva, just by seeing that small, photocopied version of his photo.

Daily Meditation on my Gurudeva - Day 1

I want to start a daily reflection on my Guru Maharaja. The idea is to find a photo of him, whether online or in my own files, and write something about it: some memories, some reflections, some thoughts. Here is the first photo:

  
This was actually from Lavanga and Krishna Purvaja. I’m not sure how they initially ended up with the photo, but they gave it to my wife to give to me (along with a couple other photos of my Guru Maharaja) some time ago.

This is the photo of my Guru Maharaja that I have framed and sitting on my desk at work. I sometimes notice it and sometimes I don’t. In that way, it’s kind of like the relationship I really had with him. I sometimes thought about him, yet on many other occasions (often while engaged in sense gratification) he was very far away from my mind. Doesn’t this parallel our eternal storyline with Paramatma/Sri Krishna?

From far away I can only make out the reflection on his glasses and his wide, bright smile, like a sort of Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. That smile would light up a room, change people’s consciousness from gloom to happiness. He had a powerful charisma. His energy/aura was powerful and potent. When he would walk into a room, you could feel the atmosphere vibrate with spiritual energy. I miss that nervous excitement of his physical presence. Feeling safe and secure, knowing this was someone who could guide and protect you. I just imagined him walking into my room right now and what that would feel like. I’m trying not to cry as I type this.

The tears are flowing now. Not tears of ecstasy, rather tears of regret. Tears of not being able to follow his instructions. Tears of being a failure. In my last visit with him before he left this planet he apologized to me. He apologized for being “too hard” on me. I was leveled by his humility and replied that the problem was that I was too selfish to appreciate the service. He smiled…and that was the last time I saw him.

The tears start flowing again. Damn it. I wasn’t doing this to cry, but this is where Paramatma has brought me. Down to this river of tears and regret and shame. Down to the core of the heart and soul. I was expecting to blabber on about the garb he was wearing, the room he was in, the rings on his fingers and how those things would trigger memories of physically being around him. But that’s not important here, is it? Isn’t that just more looking at the externals? More illusion? He wasn’t a black man. He wasn’t a sannyasi. He was an embodiment of Guru-tattva and that is what this photo is telling me today.

Sri Nityananda Trayodasi 2013

I haven't written in a long ass while. This "real" life in the "real" world has taken precedent over any online existence. My trials and tribulations, while not many, have been intense and energy draining (mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically). But that's nothing new, is it? I'm sure everyone else can also relate with their own tales of woe. After all, that's what this material world is all about, isn't it? Suffering and misery? (Of course it's our consciousness that makes it heaven or hell, but that's a whole different topic that I didn't come here to discuss).

Tomorrow is the auspicious appearance day of Sri Nityananda Prabhu, that divine incarnation of Sri Balarama, who appeared with Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu back in the 1500s. The divinity and importance of these personalities is a matter of faith and debate, but that is also not the reason I'm here writing.

I'm here to express my meager realizations about Sri Nityananda Prabhu. "Realizations" from one as fallen as myself are something of a joke, yet I believe no matter what our position is in devotional service that we can all have some kind of personal experience and realization. While inherently personal, intimate and private, it's also important to share these things with others, for in sharing both the speaker and the listener become immersed in the ocean of transcendence.

I don't claim to be advanced...at all. I don't claim to follow all of the rules and regulations very strictly. I don't claim to have attained my siddha-deha or to be experiencing bhava. I am nothing. I have nothing, yet I have a deep faith in Sri Nityananda Prabhu that has come from some previous sukriti from some previous births. There has always just been an inexplicable attraction there ever since I came in contact with the devotional process.

The connection is fundamentally rooted in my connection with Sri Guru. Sri Guru is Sri Nityananda Prabhu. And Sri Guru is not just our diksa-guru. Sri Guru is not just one being in a physical body that appears before us as the diksa-guru. Sri Guru is the principle of Guru: guru-tattva. This Sri Guru pervades the entire fabric of existence, for He is non-different than Sri Balarama, Sri Nityanandarama.

This may all sound very esoteric, but it's very simple: Sri Guru is in everyone and everything. He is in every interaction with other living and non-living beings. Your family? Your friends? That stranger on the street? Externally they appear as these different beings that we identify with according to our bodily relationships, but deeper than that, in the essence, there is nothing but our self and Sri Guru. All of the other external appearances are illusions.

When we get mad at someone or feel hatred or anger towards someone, it's not that person who is to blame. It's Sri Guru trying to teach us something, trying to stir our souls to bring us to a deeper level of understanding and spiritual experience. But we so often fail. We so often can't hear Sri Guru because of our false egos and our full absorption in our physical bodies and minds. We don't relate with the world as an eternal spiritual being. We relate with the world as this false identity of being male, female, human, black, white, Chinese, poor, wealthy, happy, sad, etc.

It's said that a maha-bhagavat, a great devotee of Krishna, cannot preach when they are situated on the highest platform of realization. Why? Because they don't see anyone as fallen. They see themselves as fallen. They see everything that is happening as the direct movements and hand of Sri Krishna. Remember King Rishabadeva? People were spitting on him, throwing rocks at him, throwing shit at him, etc. yet he didn't protest. He didn't fight back. He saw everything in the context of Krishna and Krishna's energy.

This is a lofty platform indeed and one that cannot be imitated. But we're not out to imitate. We're out to try and understand, appreciate and move towards that ideal. It begins with realizing this presence of Sri Guru in everyone and everything. We have to stop blaming others for our problems. We have to stop externalizing our inner issues on the world around us. There is no one to blame for our misery other than our very self. This takes humility to admit and humility to actually live it.

I am no great devotee. Everyone knows my failings. I have no reason to try and deceive anyone about my devotional practices. I have fallen, gotten back up and fallen again and got back up again. This is our struggle against the material energy, against illusion. Sri Nityananda Prabhu is well aware of our dilemma in this kali-yuga. He is with us at every moment, yet we fail to see Him. For someone deeply absorbed in Krishna Consciousness they find it strange that one cannot see Krishna, when Krishna is everywhere and everything. How can we not see Krishna in a metal spoon? Because we're conditioned souls who only look at the externals.

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble in a stream of wonderful, blissful consciousness, meditating on Sri Nityananda Prabhu and His presence in our moment-to-moment existence. I wish I could leave my physical body right now, while I'm swimming in these reflections. That would be the perfection of my existence. Perfection is not having material success, wealth, beauty, fame. Perfection and true wealth are the lotus feet of Sri Nityananda Prabhu. And not in some kind of abstract, conceptual way, but in really realizing what that means to have His lotus feet in your heart. He is not some mythical figure. He is not a story in a book. He is eternal, living Divinity that is the basis of all existence, representing the sat (the potency of eternality) in sat-cit-ananda. His energy pervades all existence for both the material and spiritual realms. We cannot escape Him or avoid Him, yet somehow we foolish jivas still cannot see Him.

Sri Nityananda Prabhu is wonderfully manifest as the principle of Guru. For those of us who cannot see and appreciate Him in everyone and everything (just as the avadhuta brahman in the Srimad Bhagavatam did: http://srimadbhagavatam.com/11/8/summary/en1 ) then He comes in the manifest form of our diksa and siksa gurus. Those gurus are our means to interact with and serve Sri Nityananda Prabhu. I cannot claim to love Sri Nityananda Prabhu and then neglect or ignore my Spiritual Master. This also means ignoring his instructions, which I have failed miserably at following and maintaining. Therefore my attraction to Sri Nityananda Prabhu is meaningless if I cannot strictly follow the instructions of my Gurudeva.

I am so unfortunate and weak-hearted that the thought of chanting 16-rounds everyday seems impossible. The thought of giving up any form of sexual gratification seems impossible. The thought of rooting out all selfish desires and desires for sense gratification (like watching mundane movies or listening to mundane music) sounds impossible. I do not possess the strength to overcome my anarthas. None of us do, really. That strength must come from the mercy of Sri Guru, Sri Nityananda Prabhu. We have no power or ability of our own. We cannot make ourselves spiritually advanced by our own endeavors or devotional practices. We could stictly follow all of the rules and regulations, yet still have no spiritual realization or genuine experience of transcendence. Everything in kali-yuga is dependent upon the mercy of Sri-Sri Gauranga-Nityananda, and that mercy descends through the agency of our Guru. Dedication to the Spiritual Master must become our life and soul. It must become the reason we live and breathe and move through this world. Through that seva and dedication, the mercy of Sri Nityananda Prabhu flows into our hearts and we can begin to experience the higher stages of devotional service.

In conclusion, I make this heartfelt prayer to Sri Nityananda Prabhu:

My dear Nityananda Prabhu, you are the source of all material and spiritual worlds. You are the source and shelter of all living entities. The ignorant, conditioned souls cannot see or appreciate You and Your glories. They are absorbed in bodily identification and false ego and waste their time pursuing temporary sense gratification. My dear Lord, I am one of these foolish jivas. I have wasted so much time in the material worlds trying to find happiness and pleasure, yet all I have endured is suffering, anxiety and confusion. I wish you would allow me to stay under the shade of Your lotus feet. Please shower me with the benediction that I may never forget your Lotus feet under any circumstances, whether in happiness or distress or while awake or asleep. Forgetting You is the source and cause of all misery. Remembering You is salvation, liberation and pure ananda. I don't want anything else in this world except the boon of remembering You and Your wonderful pastimes. I pray that my mind may remain absorbed in thoughts of You even until the time of my death. Some people pray to become gopis and manjaris, but for me my dear Nityananda Prabhu, I only pray that you keep me close to Your lotus feet and Your divine associates. Besides You and Your mercy, I have no other recourse or shelter in this world. Please be merciful to me! Please Nitai! Please!