I haven't written in a long ass while. This "real" life in the "real" world has taken precedent over any online existence. My trials and tribulations, while not many, have been intense and energy draining (mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically). But that's nothing new, is it? I'm sure everyone else can also relate with their own tales of woe. After all, that's what this material world is all about, isn't it? Suffering and misery? (Of course it's our consciousness that makes it heaven or hell, but that's a whole different topic that I didn't come here to discuss).
Tomorrow is the auspicious appearance day of Sri Nityananda Prabhu, that divine incarnation of Sri Balarama, who appeared with Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu back in the 1500s. The divinity and importance of these personalities is a matter of faith and debate, but that is also not the reason I'm here writing.
I'm here to express my meager realizations about Sri Nityananda Prabhu. "Realizations" from one as fallen as myself are something of a joke, yet I believe no matter what our position is in devotional service that we can all have some kind of personal experience and realization. While inherently personal, intimate and private, it's also important to share these things with others, for in sharing both the speaker and the listener become immersed in the ocean of transcendence.
I don't claim to be advanced...at all. I don't claim to follow all of the rules and regulations very strictly. I don't claim to have attained my siddha-deha or to be experiencing bhava. I am nothing. I have nothing, yet I have a deep faith in Sri Nityananda Prabhu that has come from some previous sukriti from some previous births. There has always just been an inexplicable attraction there ever since I came in contact with the devotional process.
The connection is fundamentally rooted in my connection with Sri Guru. Sri Guru is Sri Nityananda Prabhu. And Sri Guru is not just our diksa-guru. Sri Guru is not just one being in a physical body that appears before us as the diksa-guru. Sri Guru is the principle of Guru: guru-tattva. This Sri Guru pervades the entire fabric of existence, for He is non-different than Sri Balarama, Sri Nityanandarama.
This may all sound very esoteric, but it's very simple: Sri Guru is in everyone and everything. He is in every interaction with other living and non-living beings. Your family? Your friends? That stranger on the street? Externally they appear as these different beings that we identify with according to our bodily relationships, but deeper than that, in the essence, there is nothing but our self and Sri Guru. All of the other external appearances are illusions.
When we get mad at someone or feel hatred or anger towards someone, it's not that person who is to blame. It's Sri Guru trying to teach us something, trying to stir our souls to bring us to a deeper level of understanding and spiritual experience. But we so often fail. We so often can't hear Sri Guru because of our false egos and our full absorption in our physical bodies and minds. We don't relate with the world as an eternal spiritual being. We relate with the world as this false identity of being male, female, human, black, white, Chinese, poor, wealthy, happy, sad, etc.
It's said that a maha-bhagavat, a great devotee of Krishna, cannot preach when they are situated on the highest platform of realization. Why? Because they don't see anyone as fallen. They see themselves as fallen. They see everything that is happening as the direct movements and hand of Sri Krishna. Remember King Rishabadeva? People were spitting on him, throwing rocks at him, throwing shit at him, etc. yet he didn't protest. He didn't fight back. He saw everything in the context of Krishna and Krishna's energy.
This is a lofty platform indeed and one that cannot be imitated. But we're not out to imitate. We're out to try and understand, appreciate and move towards that ideal. It begins with realizing this presence of Sri Guru in everyone and everything. We have to stop blaming others for our problems. We have to stop externalizing our inner issues on the world around us. There is no one to blame for our misery other than our very self. This takes humility to admit and humility to actually live it.
I am no great devotee. Everyone knows my failings. I have no reason to try and deceive anyone about my devotional practices. I have fallen, gotten back up and fallen again and got back up again. This is our struggle against the material energy, against illusion. Sri Nityananda Prabhu is well aware of our dilemma in this kali-yuga. He is with us at every moment, yet we fail to see Him. For someone deeply absorbed in Krishna Consciousness they find it strange that one cannot see Krishna, when Krishna is everywhere and everything. How can we not see Krishna in a metal spoon? Because we're conditioned souls who only look at the externals.
Anyway, I'm starting to ramble in a stream of wonderful, blissful consciousness, meditating on Sri Nityananda Prabhu and His presence in our moment-to-moment existence. I wish I could leave my physical body right now, while I'm swimming in these reflections. That would be the perfection of my existence. Perfection is not having material success, wealth, beauty, fame. Perfection and true wealth are the lotus feet of Sri Nityananda Prabhu. And not in some kind of abstract, conceptual way, but in really realizing what that means to have His lotus feet in your heart. He is not some mythical figure. He is not a story in a book. He is eternal, living Divinity that is the basis of all existence, representing the sat (the potency of eternality) in sat-cit-ananda. His energy pervades all existence for both the material and spiritual realms. We cannot escape Him or avoid Him, yet somehow we foolish jivas still cannot see Him.
Sri Nityananda Prabhu is wonderfully manifest as the principle of Guru. For those of us who cannot see and appreciate Him in everyone and everything (just as the avadhuta brahman in the Srimad Bhagavatam did: http://srimadbhagavatam.com/11/8/summary/en1 ) then He comes in the manifest form of our diksa and siksa gurus. Those gurus are our means to interact with and serve Sri Nityananda Prabhu. I cannot claim to love Sri Nityananda Prabhu and then neglect or ignore my Spiritual Master. This also means ignoring his instructions, which I have failed miserably at following and maintaining. Therefore my attraction to Sri Nityananda Prabhu is meaningless if I cannot strictly follow the instructions of my Gurudeva.
I am so unfortunate and weak-hearted that the thought of chanting 16-rounds everyday seems impossible. The thought of giving up any form of sexual gratification seems impossible. The thought of rooting out all selfish desires and desires for sense gratification (like watching mundane movies or listening to mundane music) sounds impossible. I do not possess the strength to overcome my anarthas. None of us do, really. That strength must come from the mercy of Sri Guru, Sri Nityananda Prabhu. We have no power or ability of our own. We cannot make ourselves spiritually advanced by our own endeavors or devotional practices. We could stictly follow all of the rules and regulations, yet still have no spiritual realization or genuine experience of transcendence. Everything in kali-yuga is dependent upon the mercy of Sri-Sri Gauranga-Nityananda, and that mercy descends through the agency of our Guru. Dedication to the Spiritual Master must become our life and soul. It must become the reason we live and breathe and move through this world. Through that seva and dedication, the mercy of Sri Nityananda Prabhu flows into our hearts and we can begin to experience the higher stages of devotional service.
In conclusion, I make this heartfelt prayer to Sri Nityananda Prabhu:
My dear Nityananda Prabhu, you are the source of all material and spiritual worlds. You are the source and shelter of all living entities. The ignorant, conditioned souls cannot see or appreciate You and Your glories. They are absorbed in bodily identification and false ego and waste their time pursuing temporary sense gratification. My dear Lord, I am one of these foolish jivas. I have wasted so much time in the material worlds trying to find happiness and pleasure, yet all I have endured is suffering, anxiety and confusion. I wish you would allow me to stay under the shade of Your lotus feet. Please shower me with the benediction that I may never forget your Lotus feet under any circumstances, whether in happiness or distress or while awake or asleep. Forgetting You is the source and cause of all misery. Remembering You is salvation, liberation and pure ananda. I don't want anything else in this world except the boon of remembering You and Your wonderful pastimes. I pray that my mind may remain absorbed in thoughts of You even until the time of my death. Some people pray to become gopis and manjaris, but for me my dear Nityananda Prabhu, I only pray that you keep me close to Your lotus feet and Your divine associates. Besides You and Your mercy, I have no other recourse or shelter in this world. Please be merciful to me! Please Nitai! Please!
