Without Love

Yesterday I was listening to a lecture by His Divine Grace Srila Gour Govinda Swami Maharaja in which he was mentioning how Krishna only accepts the love in our service and that if there is no love, Krishna doesn't accept it. It made me feel very despondent, because I have no love for Krishna. Even the service I perform for our Deities is devoid of love. It's mechanical and routine, like brushing my teeth and making the bed. Even the service I rendered to my Guru Maharaja was devoid of love. I did it because it seemed like that's what I was supposed to be doing as a brahmacari, but I never served him with love. I was always annoyed or tired or stressed or ungrateful. It was an emotionally and physically demanding service, one in which my consciousness was never in the right place.

One time in New Vrndavan, my Guru Maharaja and I were in his room there. I can't remember the details of what we were doing (perhaps he was dictating email responses), but suddenly, out of nowhere, he said to me, "You're problem is that you're so damn selfish. Even now you're doing service in a grudging mood, just thinking about when it's going to be over". I was taken aback by not only his blunt honesty, but the accuracy in his assessment of my consciousness.

How can we develop love for Krishna? It's like I mentioned some reflections back, it comes through serving Krishna's pure devotees. It cannot be received directly. In the spiritual world, Goloka Vrndavan, the highest aspiration is not to directly serve Krishna, but rather to serve the servants of Krishna. We can only know Krishna through his devotees, through the Vaishnavas. Krishna's presence, mercy, compassion and love manifest through them. Krishna is reflected in the mirror of their hearts.

So why can't I serve the devotees? Why do I have no desire to serve the devotees? Because there is no love in my heart. Only lust is there; only selfish desires and reflections. I think, "Why would I want to serve someone else? Why would I want to go out of my way to do something for someone else? What will I get out of it? That won't make me happy!" And I think back to my service to my Guru Maharaja. I was never happy as his personal servant. I couldn't appreciate it. I just always felt like he was pushing me and expecting too much of me. So when this topic comes up, the topic of selfless service, I can't wrap my head around it. I can't understand how that's supposed to make me happy.

And then "BAM!", there it is, there is the answer: it's because there is no love! Without love there is no selfless service and there is no joy and happiness in serving someone else! When we genuinely love someone, we'll do anything for them, because we just want to make them happy. When there's no love it's easy to think, "Meh...they'll be okay if I don't do this thing for them" or "I don't want to do that for them, because I won't get anything out of it!"

And then it makes me think about love in the material world and how it's related to addiction. We all know love in the material world becomes transformed into lust and when there is lust, there is something almost like an addiction. When we become lusty for sex or money or fame or wealth or whatever, there's an incessant meditation and reflection on the goal of desire. We can't stop thinking about it and we're willing to go through any austerity to attain it. It's like when Bilvamangala Thakur went through an intense storm in the dead of night to meet Cintamani the prostitute and she said to him, "If you had as much devotion to Krishna as you have to me, you would be a pure devotee!" or something to that effect.

The fact is we all have those things in our lives that are our addictions; those things in which we've reposed our love and devotion. And we do it because they bring us happiness and pleasure. By nature the soul is pleasure seeking (ananda-mayo bhasyat), so it's no wonder we run after sense gratification. Sense pleasure is a guaranteed instant fix for our depression and suffering. Having a bad day? Well why not go shopping or have sex or masturbate or listen to some music or watch some TV or watch a movie or drink some wine or do some drugs? Because we know these things will bring some sense of pleasure and happiness, but it never lasts and it always makes us feel empty.

So back to the question at hand: how do I develop a desire to serve the devotees? How can I see that their happiness and their satisfaction is my greatest pleasure? It takes such a pure heart to think in this way. If we're serious about developing love for Krishna, then we MUST develop love for the devotees. There's no question of loving and serving Krishna without it. I wish I could have loved my Guru Maharaja while I was personally serving him. I wish I hadn't always been so selfish and self absorbed...but it's so hard to stop the mind. It's so hard to stop thinking about our own problems, our own stress, our own worries, our own desires, our own happiness, our own struggles. If we could just stop thinking about ourselves (and this is something my Guru Maharaja used to always tell me), then we would truly become happy. I'm longing for that day when I can lay my self absorption to rest and focus on nothing more than loving and serving Krishna and His devotees.

Devotee or Demon?

Why is it so difficult to be Krishna Conscious? I mean, genuinely Krishna Conscious, like completely surrendered to Krishna and thinking of Him constantly. Our minds find so many diversions and distractions and our senses are constantly pulling us to enjoy in various ways. We're completely in the thick of it, absorbed in our mental schemes for material happiness.

One of the most frustrating things for me is transposing or translating devotional, Krishna Conscious experiences into everyday, ordinary living. For example, the last time we went to Sri Vrndavan Dhama I felt so exhilarated and spiritually surcharged while there. I was enthused to be a devotee and eager to hear and chant. Then after our time there was over and we came back to our everyday existence, my spiritual enthusiasm was gone. I went right back into a materialistic consciousness and right back into the daily grind of work, school and sense enjoyment.

So why won't those powerful, devotional experiences stick? Why aren't they transformative to a point that it carries over into my everyday life? Why is it I feel Krishna Conscious in the Holy Dhamas, but not Krishna Conscious when I'm at work? It all has to do with association. Association nourishes our desires. Of course while being in the Dhama one will feel a deeper, stronger sense of Krishna Consciousness, because one is associating with devotees at every turn! While on the flip side, if I'm at work I'm associating with meat eaters, alcohol drinkers, sex mongers, etc. who are interested in nothing more than sense gratification and materialistic desires. So why would I be inspired or enthused to chant or perform devotional service in their company?

It's just so difficult. We can't control our association in the reality of work and school. I mean, sure, we could just renounce it all and move into a temple, but if one is a "family guy" with responsibilities and dependents, it's not so easy to just say, "Let's give it all up and just worship Krishna in the temple." There has to somehow be a balance and that balance is so elusive. It actually makes me feel schizophrenic at times, living these two dual lives, two dual identities. When I'm at the temple or with devotees then I'm a devotee, but when I'm at work or school I'm just some artist guy with a family. It's hard to maintain a sense of being a devotee in non-devotional environments. So it's like I live in two different, opposing worlds where I have two opposing personalities.

So how can I just be a devotee all of the time? How can I maintain a sense of enthusiasm for the devotional process all of the time? How can I be eager to chant and hear about Krishna all of the time, even when in those non-devotional environments? I don't know. I don't have the answers. All I have is a sense of hopelessness. In this Kali-yuga our only means of salvation and hope is through mercy. The mercy of Sri Sri Guara-Nitai and the mercy of Sri Guru. It's all about the mercy. We have no ability, no qualification, no strength to overcome maya. It's only through mercy that we can attain Krishna Consciousness. Therefore I beg for the mercy of the most merciful Sri Nityananda Prabhu. His mercy descends to us through the agency of Sri Guru, the bonafide representative of Krishna. We must seek out such a Guru and beg for his mercy and serve him without duplicity. That is our only chance of knowing Krishna and becoming genuinely Krishna Conscious. Otherwise, left to our own devices, we will never become Krishna Conscious. We will fluctuate between devotional and material aspirations, tossed back and forth between our higher and lower desires and constantly pondering the question, "Am I a devotee or a demon?"