Devotee or Demon?

Why is it so difficult to be Krishna Conscious? I mean, genuinely Krishna Conscious, like completely surrendered to Krishna and thinking of Him constantly. Our minds find so many diversions and distractions and our senses are constantly pulling us to enjoy in various ways. We're completely in the thick of it, absorbed in our mental schemes for material happiness.

One of the most frustrating things for me is transposing or translating devotional, Krishna Conscious experiences into everyday, ordinary living. For example, the last time we went to Sri Vrndavan Dhama I felt so exhilarated and spiritually surcharged while there. I was enthused to be a devotee and eager to hear and chant. Then after our time there was over and we came back to our everyday existence, my spiritual enthusiasm was gone. I went right back into a materialistic consciousness and right back into the daily grind of work, school and sense enjoyment.

So why won't those powerful, devotional experiences stick? Why aren't they transformative to a point that it carries over into my everyday life? Why is it I feel Krishna Conscious in the Holy Dhamas, but not Krishna Conscious when I'm at work? It all has to do with association. Association nourishes our desires. Of course while being in the Dhama one will feel a deeper, stronger sense of Krishna Consciousness, because one is associating with devotees at every turn! While on the flip side, if I'm at work I'm associating with meat eaters, alcohol drinkers, sex mongers, etc. who are interested in nothing more than sense gratification and materialistic desires. So why would I be inspired or enthused to chant or perform devotional service in their company?

It's just so difficult. We can't control our association in the reality of work and school. I mean, sure, we could just renounce it all and move into a temple, but if one is a "family guy" with responsibilities and dependents, it's not so easy to just say, "Let's give it all up and just worship Krishna in the temple." There has to somehow be a balance and that balance is so elusive. It actually makes me feel schizophrenic at times, living these two dual lives, two dual identities. When I'm at the temple or with devotees then I'm a devotee, but when I'm at work or school I'm just some artist guy with a family. It's hard to maintain a sense of being a devotee in non-devotional environments. So it's like I live in two different, opposing worlds where I have two opposing personalities.

So how can I just be a devotee all of the time? How can I maintain a sense of enthusiasm for the devotional process all of the time? How can I be eager to chant and hear about Krishna all of the time, even when in those non-devotional environments? I don't know. I don't have the answers. All I have is a sense of hopelessness. In this Kali-yuga our only means of salvation and hope is through mercy. The mercy of Sri Sri Guara-Nitai and the mercy of Sri Guru. It's all about the mercy. We have no ability, no qualification, no strength to overcome maya. It's only through mercy that we can attain Krishna Consciousness. Therefore I beg for the mercy of the most merciful Sri Nityananda Prabhu. His mercy descends to us through the agency of Sri Guru, the bonafide representative of Krishna. We must seek out such a Guru and beg for his mercy and serve him without duplicity. That is our only chance of knowing Krishna and becoming genuinely Krishna Conscious. Otherwise, left to our own devices, we will never become Krishna Conscious. We will fluctuate between devotional and material aspirations, tossed back and forth between our higher and lower desires and constantly pondering the question, "Am I a devotee or a demon?"