I was just thinking today, "I really seem to be on a downswing in my Krishna Consciousness." For the past week or so I've just been really complacent about my spiritual life. I remembered blogging about this feeling sometime back and just now re-read those posts. They pretty much capture the same feeling that I'm having right now.
Sometimes religion and spirituality just seem like such a big waste of time. The problem is that the spiritual side of our existence is so subtle and so vastly different from the physical, material, sensory world in which we are used to living that it seems so unreal and imaginary.
The battle with our mind and senses is an ongoing struggle that seems to have no end. We are constantly torn between our material and spiritual natures. We have some attraction towards God, devotion, the soul and following a spiritual path, yet at the same time we still want to watch TV, eat at restaurants, have sex and get intoxicated.
This is precisely why so many people give up the spiritual path(s), because they find a sense of hypocrisy or of not living up to the standards. It's like struggling and struggling to swim against the current before you just say, "Ah, fu*k it!" and letting your self be swept away down stream.
It's a fact that living in maya is so much easier than strictly following the process of Krishna Consciousness (or any genuine, spiritual path). As Srila Prabhupada once said (I believe) that taking up Krishna Consciousness is like declaring war on maya. It's a fight. It's a struggle. Even in those religions where so-called "works" are frowned upon, you still have to make an effort to be a sincere follower. It's not just saying, "I believe in God" that makes you a saint. It's also your thoughts and actions.
I've been riding the edge of mixed-devotion for so long that I don't even know if I'll ever get to the higher stages of bhakti-yoga in this lifetime. My consciousness is just too polluted, my desire for Krishna too weak and my mind too strong.
I look at others who appear to be fixed up in Krishna Consiousness. They look so happy, so care-free. I wonder how they can be so "fired up". Then I realize that many of them have no other obligations. They're not married, they don't have kids, they don't have jobs, they don't go to school, they don't pay bills, they don't have credit cards, they don't have debt, etc. Then I think back to my brahmacari days and remember how simple and joyful my life was. Of course the external circumstances (varna-ashrama) don't guarantee that you'll become a pure devotee or attain Krishna prema.
So does that mean Krishna Consciousness is impossible to strictly follow if you don't live in a temple and have no other obligations? I wouldn't say impossible, but definitely more difficult. It would be like trying to swim upstream with sand bags tied to your arms and legs.
I don't regret any of the choices I've made in this life. At this point in time I'm simply playing out my destined karma. As the old saying goes, I can't change my circumstances, but I can change how I respond to them. It's all a matter of changing consciousness, changing perspective, to see things from a higher view point. No matter what circumstances we're in we have to try and find the Krishna factor.
When I moved out of the temple my Guru Maharaja said to me that I "enjoy the roller coaster ride" and that now I would have an opportunity to experience it. I guess it's inevitable on a roller coaster to experience these lows. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a new high. Perhaps one day I'll stop wasting time and just get off the ride.
2 comments:
Thanks for sharing. I can relate to this. Sometimes, I feel like it is simply a matter of my desire, like Prabhupada said. What is different in your motivation now than say, 10 years ago? I'd be curious to hear.
I wouldn't say there's different motivation, but there are just so many more distractions being a grihasta. When I lived in the temple as a brahmacari it was just so much easier to be "fired up" and focused on developing and sharing Krishna Consciousness. Now it's more time spent worrying about bills, debt, cars, home, children, wife, career, etc. and doing everything to maintain and provide. And I know Krishna is the one providing, but I still have to be responsible and do my duty. I can't just sit chanting japa and expect the bills to get paid and my family to be fed.
So yeah, it's a lot more complicated now and that can really take one's focus off of only worrying about becoming Krishna Conscious. It's like, "Ok, yeah, Krishna prema sounds nice, but I have to go to work, my daughter is hungry, I'm feeling sick, etc." I also know as grihastas we're supposed to see all of this as our service. That can also be difficult if you're not already on a transcendental platform. It's easy to get caught up in the externals and to only see things at face value.
But I guess it's all a process and in the due course of time we'll develop such transcendental vision where our external circumstances do not adversely affect our Krishna Consciousness. In fact, we'll get to a point where we'll see Krishna in everything and at every moment. I just hope I get there before I leave this body.
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