Monday, February 26, 2018

Remembering My Guru Maharaja


The past few days have been rather heavy for me. I’ve been meditating on my Guru Maharaja more intensely than usual. Perhaps it’s because we just celebrated his Appearance Day (Vyasa-puja) yesterday. I wanted to write him a formal offering, but couldn’t do so yesterday because I was too much of an emotional wreck. I think the part that really did me in was attempting to transcribe one of his final lectures from June 22nd, 2005. It was heart wrenching. The day before that I had compiled all of his old emails to me into one PDF file. It was 87-pages of more heart wrenching! So it was just all of these meditations and reflections going on, what to speak of how much I miss him. And I know that Sri Guru is eternal and always present. I’m not missing that aspect or presence of the Spiritual Master. I’m missing that specific individual jiva that was in the body of Srila Bhakti Tirtha Swami. He has entered into the unmanifest pastimes of Sri Krishna in Sri Vrindavan Dhama. It’s that specific jiva that I am feeling separation from. The apparent physical form of Srila Bhakti Tirtha Maharaja that we could perceive with our eyes was just a spiritualized vessel for him. My longing is not to see that form again. My longing and pain is in not being able to connect with that living being (jiva) again. I miss him so dearly. Here is my attempt at a written offering from the heart:

Dear Srila Gurudeva,
Please accept my most humble obeisances. All glories to you and to His Divine Grace AC Bhaktivedanta Swami Srila Prabhupada. All glories to Sri Guru and Sri Gauranga!

On the occasion of your holy Appearance Day I have been reflecting a lot about our relationship. In many ways I look back at it with regret. I see all of the mistakes I made, all of the vows I broke, all of the disappointments I felt, all of the times I let you down, all of the times I ran away from your mercy (one time even literally), all of the times I complained, all of the times I had a selfish mentality in your personal service and all of the times I couldn’t appreciate you or be grateful for your association and service.

I know it’s not healthy to only focus on the negative. I know it’s another trick of maya to make us feel so despondent and hopeless that we give up the process of devotional service. I also know focusing on and wallowing in my misery is simply another form of selfishness.

So on this day I want to focus on the positive things instead. I want to remember the sweetness of our relationship. I want to remember all of the personal association I had with you and all of the sweet exchanges we shared. I want to remember your emails to me not as disappointments or chastisements, but rather as your loving guidance and encouragement. The last time I physically saw you before you left this planet you had apologized to me for being so hard on me and for pushing me too much when I had been your personal servant. I apologized to you and was sorry for my inability to be surrendered and for my selfishness and not being grateful. The fact is you did push me, but it wasn’t out of cruelty or a mean-spirit. It was your genuine love and enthusiasm for the process and you just wanted me to be happy and in that same blissful place that you were residing. You wanted me to stop being so selfish and self-centered and to let go of my mental anxiety and to just surrender to the process. You wanted me to be truly happy and fixed up.

Sometimes I look back and I wonder what would have been if I had just stopped listening to my mind. On several occasions you noted how crazy and powerful my mind was/is. But I can’t sit here wondering about all of the “what ifs”. I can only be here in the present with the choices I made. And even now I can choose to still be with you, to still allow you to guide me. I can choose from this day forward to do the right thing, to stay true to my initiation vows, to try and help others, to be a positive example and force in the world.

Gurudeva, on this Vyasa-puja day of yours I am offering you the gift of my self surrender again. I am re-committing myself to your lotus feet. I am making you the priority again. I am allowing you to sit on the throne of my heart again. Please guide me and direct me. Please give me the strength and determination to stay true to your teachings and to be a glorious example as your disciple and representative. Without your blessings Gurudeva I will surely fail and continue giving in to the dictates of my mind and senses.

By your life’s example you showed us the path and the way to success. You conquered the mind and ultimately conquered death itself. You stayed true to Srila Prabhupada and to the path of Bhakti all the way until the end. I hope in some small way I can repay you and share with others the gifts you gave us. Without your mercy none of this will be possible. Thank you for never giving up on me and more importantly thank you for bringing me back to you.

Your worthless servant,

jayadeva das

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