The past few days have been rather heavy for me. I’ve been
meditating on my Guru Maharaja more intensely than usual. Perhaps it’s because
we just celebrated his Appearance Day (Vyasa-puja) yesterday. I wanted to write
him a formal offering, but couldn’t do so yesterday because I was too much of
an emotional wreck. I think the part that really did me in was attempting to
transcribe one of his final lectures from June 22nd, 2005. It was
heart wrenching. The day before that I had compiled all of his old emails to me
into one PDF file. It was 87-pages of more heart wrenching! So it was just all
of these meditations and reflections going on, what to speak of how much I miss
him. And I know that Sri Guru is eternal and always present. I’m not missing
that aspect or presence of the Spiritual Master. I’m missing that specific
individual jiva that was in the body of Srila Bhakti Tirtha Swami. He has
entered into the unmanifest pastimes of Sri Krishna in Sri Vrindavan Dhama.
It’s that specific jiva that I am feeling separation from. The apparent
physical form of Srila Bhakti Tirtha Maharaja that we could perceive with our
eyes was just a spiritualized vessel for him. My longing is not to see that
form again. My longing and pain is in not being able to connect with that living
being (jiva) again. I miss him so dearly. Here is my attempt at a written offering from the heart:
Dear Srila Gurudeva,
Please accept my most humble obeisances. All glories to you
and to His Divine Grace AC Bhaktivedanta Swami Srila Prabhupada. All glories to
Sri Guru and Sri Gauranga!
On the occasion of your holy Appearance Day I have been
reflecting a lot about our relationship. In many ways I look back at it with
regret. I see all of the mistakes I made, all of the vows I broke, all of the
disappointments I felt, all of the times I let you down, all of the times I ran
away from your mercy (one time even literally), all of the times I complained,
all of the times I had a selfish mentality in your personal service and all of
the times I couldn’t appreciate you or be grateful for your association and
service.
I know it’s not healthy to only focus on the negative. I
know it’s another trick of maya to make us feel so despondent and hopeless that
we give up the process of devotional service. I also know focusing on and
wallowing in my misery is simply another form of selfishness.
So on this day I want to focus on the positive things
instead. I want to remember the sweetness of our relationship. I want to
remember all of the personal association I had with you and all of the sweet
exchanges we shared. I want to remember your emails to me not as
disappointments or chastisements, but rather as your loving guidance and
encouragement. The last time I physically saw you before you left this planet
you had apologized to me for being so hard on me and for pushing me too much
when I had been your personal servant. I apologized to you and was sorry for my
inability to be surrendered and for my selfishness and not being grateful. The
fact is you did push me, but it wasn’t out of cruelty or a mean-spirit. It was
your genuine love and enthusiasm for the process and you just wanted me to be
happy and in that same blissful place that you were residing. You wanted me to
stop being so selfish and self-centered and to let go of my mental anxiety and
to just surrender to the process. You wanted me to be truly happy and fixed up.
Sometimes I look back and I wonder what would have been if I
had just stopped listening to my mind. On several occasions you noted how crazy
and powerful my mind was/is. But I can’t sit here wondering about all of the
“what ifs”. I can only be here in the present with the choices I made. And even
now I can choose to still be with you, to still allow you to guide me. I can
choose from this day forward to do the right thing, to stay true to my
initiation vows, to try and help others, to be a positive example and force in
the world.
Gurudeva, on this Vyasa-puja day of yours I am offering you
the gift of my self surrender again. I am re-committing myself to your lotus
feet. I am making you the priority again. I am allowing you to sit on the
throne of my heart again. Please guide me and direct me. Please give me the
strength and determination to stay true to your teachings and to be a glorious
example as your disciple and representative. Without your blessings Gurudeva I
will surely fail and continue giving in to the dictates of my mind and senses.
By your life’s example you showed us the path and the way to
success. You conquered the mind and ultimately conquered death itself. You
stayed true to Srila Prabhupada and to the path of Bhakti all the way until the
end. I hope in some small way I can repay you and share with others the gifts
you gave us. Without your mercy none of this will be possible. Thank you for
never giving up on me and more importantly thank you for bringing me back to
you.
Your worthless servant,
jayadeva das
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