When Krishna is Hiding

Sometimes I have those days where I just don't feel Krishna Conscious. I may serve our Deities, listen to a lecture by Srila Gour Govinda Maharaja or to a bhajan and yet I find my mind completely disinterested or distracted. I don't really chant japa all that much anymore, but when I did on a regular, daily basis I would also encounter this mechanical, distracted sort of mind frame. Sometimes we experience a taste for devotional activities and yet at other times we find ourselves struggling to chant or to be in a Krishna Conscious mindset.

There's a wonderful purport in the Bhagavad-gita where Srila Prabhupada likens devotional service in the beginning stages to military service:

"The Lord instructs that one has to become fully Krsna conscious to discharge duties, as if in military discipline. Such an injunction may make things a little difficult; nevertheless duties must be carried out, with dependence on Krsna, because that is the constitutional position of the living entity." (BG 3.30)

So in other words, we have to practice vaidhi-bhakti by following the regulative principles and our initiation vows even though we might not want to! So much easier said than done. It's so easy to be captured by maya and to become lazy and to find so many excuses.

Obviously living outside of the temple there are so many more obligations and duties that aren't directly related to devotional service. So it makes it a little more difficult to maintain a strict sadhana. But at least something should be done, right? I feel like at least we have our Deities which provide me a daily seva, but there's still a sense of lacking. I know I should really chant japa more often, but it's hard to find the motivation. Like I said above, even when I was chanting on a daily basis while living in the temple I had those moments where there was no taste and no interest. There were those days where it didn't seem to matter if I chanted or not, because my consciousness and my heart weren't transforming. Did I lose faith in chanting?

I don't know what it is, but I just feel very empty today. It feels like a slight depression, like I have no motivation or interest for anything. I just feel like sleeping. Anyway, I have to keep moving. On to my next class for the next five hours and then the hour drive home. I just feel so tired.