Back to the Struggle

So we made it back from Sri Vrindavan Dhama in one piece. No terrorist attacks, no monkey attacks; not even attacks from the mind. But now that we're back "home" here in America, I find the same struggles that I had before we left resurfacing.

When one is in the Holy Dhama, Krishna Consciousness comes so much easier. The atmosphere is surcharged with devotion and transcendence. It's so much easier to rise early in the morning, to chant your rounds, to think about Krishna and to be eager to perform some kind of service. But back here in America I find my mind being lazy, wanting to sleep, wanting to aimlessly wander around the internet (preferably looking for pornographic images), wanting to watch TV and movies, wanting to listen to mundane music, wanting to eat bhoga, etc. And there are so many more distractions from the internet, television, job, bills, court appearances, school, etc. For example, I'm losing my job at Office Depot, because they're closing 120 stores nationwide and 32 stores in our district. So now I have to worry about finding a new job and in today's economic market, it's much more difficult to find companies that are hiring. So I have to fill out application after application and spend so much time and energy in trying to get a new job. It's energy and time that is being diverted from chanting my rounds, reading the sastras and thinking about Krishna.

Of course we may say, "Well isn't looking for a job simply part of the service as a grihasta?" And I suppose if we had that consciousness then it could be seen as devotional service. I'm looking for a job not for my own sense gratification, but rather because it's a necessary part of being a grihasta, i.e. - working and making money to help support the family, the family which belongs to Krishna. Okay, so I'll give you that, but all I'm saying is that it's one more distraction from being able to wholly and solely think about Krishna and to engage in direct devotional service.

And this is where I have trouble translating or transposing the experiences in the Holy Dhama back to my so-called real life here in America. When you're in the Holy Dhama there's nothing else to do but to chant and think about Krishna. I suppose if we lived there permanently then there would be more concern about maintenance and how we were going to survive, but even then there's a simplicity to it that's missing in America. We met this one devotee couple that were living a self-sustained existence by growing their own fruits and vegetables and stockpiling grains for the year. It was a living example of Srila Prabhupada's saying, "Simple living, high thinking". They didn't have TV or internet or mp3 players (although I think they had cell phones), but they were happy and content. It seems the more we simplify our lives, the happier we'll become.

But do we really want to live simply? Are we willing to give up our material comforts, technology and gadgets so that we can live a more Krishna-centered, Krishna conscious lifestyle? It really all seems to come down to desire. And desire is cultivated through association. The more we associate with the material modes of energy and non-devotional ways of thinking and acting, the more our desires for material comfort and sense gratification will increase. And conversely, the more we associate with devotees, the Holy Name and the sastras, the more our desires for Krishna Consciousness will increase. We truly are tatashta-shakti, marginal potency, trapped between the material and spiritual energies. It's a constant struggle back and forth between our lower and higher nature; our devotional (selfless) propensities vs. our demonic (selfish) propensities.

So here we are, back to the struggle, no longer sheltered by the transcendent atmosphere of Sri Vrindavan Dhama. Here I am, confronted with the choice to chant my rounds or not, to read the sastras or not, to watch TV or not, to give into the desires for sense gratification or not. I suppose as marginal potency, these choices are always there with us, but while I was in Sri Vrindavan Dhama the choice seemed so clear, so obvious, so beautiful and perfect: Krishna. And again, that's the power of the Holy Dhama. All we have to do there is become absorbed in the atmosphere and the Holy Name and Krishna will reveal Himself.

O, Gurudeva! I am so tiny and so insignificant. I am so weak and helpless against the Lord's illusory energy. I have no ability to over come it on my own. It is only through your mercy that I have any hope of remaining fixed in devotional service. Please give me the spiritual strength to remain fixed on your lotus feet and the lotus feet of Krishna. There is nothing else in this world worth mediating on.

O, Nitai! Your mercy is my only shelter and my only hope. Please transform this lowly servant's consciousness and purify my heart so that Krishna may reside there eternally. I am full of lust, envy, pride, anger and false ego. In this condition I will never be able to attain Sri Vrindavan Dhama. O, Nitai! By Your causeless mercy You can kick away all of these faults and impurities and allow me to become a genuine Vaishnava. This is my prayer and my hope. Please give Your mercy to me!