Will I Ever Cry for Krishna?

Just a couple days ago, while reading H.H. Radhanath Swami's autobiography, I was reflecting on what makes one person so dedicated and focused on the path of bhakti, while another person is weak, lazy and unfocused? We see in every religion that there are different types of worshippers or practitioners. Some people are very devout; never missing a service, chanting, praying, strictly following their scriptures, etc. At the same time, someone in the same religion could be full of hypocrisy, have no morals, rarely attend their church or temple or mosque, etc., but they still adhere to their beliefs and faith. Maybe sometimes a person is sincere, but just weak in their faith. In other instances perhaps they were just born into their religion, so they just follow the externals because it's socially expected of them.

Even within the Gaudiya-Vaishnava theology we have different levels of devotee, i.e. - the kanistha, the madhyam and the uttama-adhikaris. We're all at different levels of spiritual advancement and realization. We're all engaging in devotional service for our own reasons, just as in other religions, people are following their beliefs for their own reasons. We all have some kind of motivation for adhering to our particular faith or belief.

As we're trudging along on the path of bhakti, we constantly have to take self inventory. When self analysis and reflection stop, so does our advancement. I've noted in myself that when I become complacent, lazy or disinterested in my devotional life that I have so much more stress, anxiety and depression. If we take a break from chanting or hearing or associating with more advanced Vaishnavas, then the material modes of nature and maya will devour us. Our minds and senses will take full control. We can't be careless or whimsical on this path of devotion. It truly is a science and if we want the results we have to follow it properly.

Still, knowing what is to be done, why does this desire not arise within my heart? Why do I find it hard to be motivated to chant 16 rounds everyday? To study the sastras everyday? To run where higher Vaishnava association is available? Why do I find my mind still more attracted to sense gratification than to Krishna?

Even when I wore the saffron cloth of a brahmacari and had a shaven head and sikha, in those last few years in the temple I was losing taste for devotional service and for chanting. Where did that early enthusiasm and zeal disappear to? I used to jump so high in the kirtans and dance like a madman for the pleasure of the Deities and my Guru Maharaja, but now I'm a wallflower, standing in the background and softly clapping my hands. I used to be so eager to preach and share Krishna with others by going out on book distribution or sankirtan. So what happened? How did I go from fixed up a brahmacari to a struggling fringy?

I was speaking with one devotee a couple weeks ago and he was saying that since Krishna Consciousness is a science, that when something is going wrong in your devotional life then it means you're not following something properly. He was saying how offenses in devotional service can stifle one's progress. Perhaps it was because of my accumulated offenses to my Guru Maharaja, to the Deities and to the devotees that ultimately I lost all taste for the devotional process and left the temple to pursue a materialistic, self-absorbed existence.

Maybe I wasn't humble enough. Maybe I wasn't surrendered enough. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Obviously the past can't be changed, nor is there any reason to dwell upon it. All we have is the present moment. And in this present moment I find myself at every second being given the choice to be Krishna Conscious or to be in maya. A few days ago I posted a Facebook update that said something like, "Jayadeva Dasa is wondering when his mind will remain fixed on the lotus feet of Sri Guru and Sri Krishna without diversion". Some people responded that it could be NOW if I wanted it to be. And it's so true. It's our desire that determines our consciousness.

I always come full circle with this kind of thinking. If we desire to be Krishna Conscious then we'll be Krishna Conscious. Well what if we don't have the desire? Then associate with those who do! And if you don't have the desire to even pursue that kind of association, then pray to Guru and Krishna to attain it. We are definitely mercy cases in this kali yuga. How unfortunate I am that I have come this close the ocean of bhakti-yoga, yet I am unable to dive deeply into it. Due to my weak mind and desires for sense gratification I cannot enter deeply into the mysteries of bhakti. I cannot experience those higher states of realization, awareness and love.

By the grace of Srila Prabhupada and our Gurus we know what the process is. We know what is to be done...yet we find ourselves unable or uninterested. As the great Vaishnava poets might say, "Alas! Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu and Sri Nityananda Prabhu have descended on this earth to drown every living entity in the ocean of pure love for God, yet I am so unfortunate that not even a drop of this love has touched me!"

We have to become eager for Krishna Consciousness. We have to long for it, desire it and cry for it. We have to understand its importance and urgency. We have to feel empty and void without it. Without such feeling we will always give in to the maya, give in to the sense gratification, give in to our lower, material natures. If we don't think we're in danger, we'll never cry out to the Lord and as Srila Prabhupada has said, one has to chant the Holy Name as a child in distress cries out for their mother or father.

My dear Guru Maharaja, please give me this gift of being able to sincerely and humbly cry for Krishna's mercy, love and service. It is through this intense eagerness and crying that I will be able to remain fixed on the path of devotional service and to always make the right choices and pass all the tests.