Agnostic Halavah (A Follow Up Story)

Okay, so it seems my last post about developing agnostic attitudes towards Krishna Consciousness (and religion in general) has caused quite a ruckus. Personally I don't care about how I may be perceived from what I wrote. I really don't care if other devotees think I've "blooped" or I'm "in maya" or even if they think I'm smoking weed and drinking beer, but I think it's important to clarify a few things:

1. I'm not saying Krishna (God) is not real. As I said at the end of the other post, I believe and have faith that there is something higher, something more than just this material existence that we are currently perceiving with our physical senses. I've personally experienced higher states of consciousness and awareness (in a non-drug related way) that have proven this fact to me. My contention in the previous post was that, "What impact or difference does this Higher Being have on my daily reality?" In other words, if I take the time to chant and pray and study the sastras for hours and hours everyday, how does it practically change my reality? Sure, reality is nothing more than our consciousness, but staying in the lofty ideals of Krishna Consciousness seems at times to be quite an impossible feat. How can I be completely absorbed in Krishna's pastimes with the gopas and gopis while I'm dealing with the reality of my day-to-day responsibilities and duties? I've tried to do that and it just doesn't work.

2. I'm not against Krishna Consciousness or trying to convince others that it doesn't work. All I'm saying is: IT'S NOT WORKING FOR ME. At least at this particular time it isn't doing much for me. And my point in making the previous post was to open up this kind of discussion. I think a vast majority of devotees have felt these feelings of doubt or lack of faith or whatever, but no one wants to say anything publicly for fear of being ostricized or looked down upon. After all, if you say to your self, "I don't know if I really believe all of this stuff" then you're left exposed and confronting the possibility that "Hey, maybe I'm not really a devotee...or at least not as advanced as I'd like to think...or not as advanced as I'd like OTHERS to think." There are many examples of stalwart Vaishnavas throughout the ages that have attained the perfection of bhakti-yoga. I'm not discredting their accomplishments or trying to say it's all make believe. They've attained something very rare, lofty and priceless, but it's something that remains inaccesible and mysterious to me.

3. All I was trying to express in my previous post is that sometimes I have doubts. Like I said, I wish more devotees would open up and talk about these things in public. Why do we have to be ashamed to say, "Yeah, sometimes I find japa to be really boring" or "I really just like hanging out, eating and talking prajalpa at the Sunday Feast"? It's like no one wants to be frank because they don't want other devotees to see them in a bad light. It's like we need to keep up this facade that we don't have any problems or like we never struggle. I don't get that. It's like when we only post pictures of our self on Facebook that we think are flattering. Why don't we ever post the ugly pictures?

So anyway, I just felt like that previous post needed this follow up. I'm not blooping anytime soon. I already did that back in 2002. It was fun for what it was, but in the end it left me feeling depressed, empty and lost. I know there's no true, lasting joy in this temporary, material world, but at the same time I've yet to find true, lasting joy on the path of devotional service. So I'll continue on with my mixed-devotion, sometimes watching Project Runway and sometimes watching Srila Prabhupada lectures, all the while praying to Sri Nityananda Prabhu to somehow or other bring me to that perfection which seems so despairingly unattainable.

Agnostic with a Side of Fries?

I look back at my time living in the ashram as a brahmacari and I think to myself, "Did I ever really, truly believe in what I was doing?" I wonder how I was ever so "fired up" and enthusiastic about Krishna Consciousness and devotional service that I once went on a one-man harinama in downtown Detroit (at a barbecue food tasting event, no less!). That person, and that consciousness, seem so foreign to me now. What was it at the time that made me so sincere, focused and determined?

It feels like time and my experiences in Krishna Consciousness have left me jaded. I've become pessimistic, doubtful and negative. I see others writing about or talking about Krishna Consciousness and it seems so contrived and dogmatic. We simply repeat the things that we've heard and read, but are we really experiencing, seeing, talking to and interacting with Krishna (God) face-to-face? I find it hard to believe. I also find it hard to believe that others who are speaking about Krishna or performing kirtan, etc. are not struggling with some kind of selfish desires or who are not still interested in sense gratification to some degree.

I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm sure there are very advanced (and rare) devotees who have given up all selfish pursuits and desires. But even hearing from and associating with them, I still have to wonder, "How do you know this is all true?" Someone may give up selfish sense gratification and completely dedicate themselves to devotional service. They may have intense faith that Krishna is real, that Goloka Vrindavan is real, etc., but they still may not have directly experienced it. It's all based on faith. We can say, "Srila Prabhupada and the Acaryas have said all of these things, therefore they must all be true and real!", but again, it's all based on faith.

Perhaps that is my biggest problem: a lack of faith. It's hard to believe in something when you can't experience it. I sometimes wonder if other devotees struggle with this issue or not. It seems like they don't...or maybe everyone just hides it. I go to the temple or festivals and everyone seems so happy and blissful. They're dancing and chanting and talking about devotional activities. I see them and think, "Do they ever wonder if Krishna is real? Do they ever have more interest in sense gratification than devotional service?"

What is it that makes us, as individuals, stay on the path of bhakti? Is it the social/community aspect? Is it the food/prasadam? Is it the ability to gain prestige and notariety from our knowledge of sastras? Is it because we like the clothing and cultural aspects? Is it because we like to perform rituals and fire yajnas? Somehow we must be getting some kind of taste to go on calling our self a "devotee".

These days I wonder if I could even be considered a "devotee" in the true sense of the word. I don't chant japa, I rarely study/read the sastras, I rarely attend devotional functions, I barely worship our Deities and I only sometimes listen to lectures. When I hear about 24-hour kirtan programs or some kind of festival I don't get excited. On the contrary I think, "Ugh. I really don't want to drive all the way out to that and then sit there for hours. Then I'll run in to devotees from the past and say the obligatory "Jaya! Haribol!" and then have nothing else to say."

I just don't know where my fire has gone. I feel like I'm losing interest in the process all together. I see so much mixed devotion going on all over the place that it sometimes feels like maybe everyone is just lying to themselves. Then I feel despair, as it only reinforces my own personal experiences. I see that I'm not the only one pretending.

The dogmatic answer here would be that I need to associate with higher, more advanced devotees. Well, I did that for quite some time and it never made me enthused, nor gave me prema. In fact, it made me more depressed that I couldn't live up to the highest ideals of Krishna Consciousness. It made me realize there was no joy in selfless service, rather there was only anxiety, frustration and resentment. It made me realize how selfish and self-centered I truly am and how I'm more attached to sense gratification than devotional service. It didn't make me want to do more devotional service, rather it made me want to run away from it.

I feel myself falling into some sort of agnostic state of mind, where the existence of God has no bearing on my existence. If He's there, cool. If He's not, cool. I'm sure there's something higher and something greater than just this material existence we're perceiving with our senses, but it's just getting so hard to care about it and its impact on my day-to-day reality.