I look back at my time living in the ashram as a brahmacari and I think to myself, "Did I ever really, truly believe in what I was doing?" I wonder how I was ever so "fired up" and enthusiastic about Krishna Consciousness and devotional service that I once went on a one-man harinama in downtown Detroit (at a barbecue food tasting event, no less!). That person, and that consciousness, seem so foreign to me now. What was it at the time that made me so sincere, focused and determined?
It feels like time and my experiences in Krishna Consciousness have left me jaded. I've become pessimistic, doubtful and negative. I see others writing about or talking about Krishna Consciousness and it seems so contrived and dogmatic. We simply repeat the things that we've heard and read, but are we really experiencing, seeing, talking to and interacting with Krishna (God) face-to-face? I find it hard to believe. I also find it hard to believe that others who are speaking about Krishna or performing kirtan, etc. are not struggling with some kind of selfish desires or who are not still interested in sense gratification to some degree.
I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm sure there are very advanced (and rare) devotees who have given up all selfish pursuits and desires. But even hearing from and associating with them, I still have to wonder, "How do you know this is all true?" Someone may give up selfish sense gratification and completely dedicate themselves to devotional service. They may have intense faith that Krishna is real, that Goloka Vrindavan is real, etc., but they still may not have directly experienced it. It's all based on faith. We can say, "Srila Prabhupada and the Acaryas have said all of these things, therefore they must all be true and real!", but again, it's all based on faith.
Perhaps that is my biggest problem: a lack of faith. It's hard to believe in something when you can't experience it. I sometimes wonder if other devotees struggle with this issue or not. It seems like they don't...or maybe everyone just hides it. I go to the temple or festivals and everyone seems so happy and blissful. They're dancing and chanting and talking about devotional activities. I see them and think, "Do they ever wonder if Krishna is real? Do they ever have more interest in sense gratification than devotional service?"
What is it that makes us, as individuals, stay on the path of bhakti? Is it the social/community aspect? Is it the food/prasadam? Is it the ability to gain prestige and notariety from our knowledge of sastras? Is it because we like the clothing and cultural aspects? Is it because we like to perform rituals and fire yajnas? Somehow we must be getting some kind of taste to go on calling our self a "devotee".
These days I wonder if I could even be considered a "devotee" in the true sense of the word. I don't chant japa, I rarely study/read the sastras, I rarely attend devotional functions, I barely worship our Deities and I only sometimes listen to lectures. When I hear about 24-hour kirtan programs or some kind of festival I don't get excited. On the contrary I think, "Ugh. I really don't want to drive all the way out to that and then sit there for hours. Then I'll run in to devotees from the past and say the obligatory "Jaya! Haribol!" and then have nothing else to say."
I just don't know where my fire has gone. I feel like I'm losing interest in the process all together. I see so much mixed devotion going on all over the place that it sometimes feels like maybe everyone is just lying to themselves. Then I feel despair, as it only reinforces my own personal experiences. I see that I'm not the only one pretending.
The dogmatic answer here would be that I need to associate with higher, more advanced devotees. Well, I did that for quite some time and it never made me enthused, nor gave me prema. In fact, it made me more depressed that I couldn't live up to the highest ideals of Krishna Consciousness. It made me realize there was no joy in selfless service, rather there was only anxiety, frustration and resentment. It made me realize how selfish and self-centered I truly am and how I'm more attached to sense gratification than devotional service. It didn't make me want to do more devotional service, rather it made me want to run away from it.
I feel myself falling into some sort of agnostic state of mind, where the existence of God has no bearing on my existence. If He's there, cool. If He's not, cool. I'm sure there's something higher and something greater than just this material existence we're perceiving with our senses, but it's just getting so hard to care about it and its impact on my day-to-day reality.
10 comments:
Hare Krishna Prabhu, this is an unfortunate predicament. A doubting soul suffers, neither can they find solace in material endeavors nor satisfaction in their spiritual pursuits.
I have experienced and have heard from sastra that if we have ever offended any devotee our enthusiasm & conviction will taken away.
If you think that there is any devotee that you have ever offended, just even possibly, I would suggest that you try to rectify that offence. Apologies, service, obeisances, and glorifications are a good place to start.
Sad to hear you are not chanting....I think anyone who sincerely and seriously chants with a mood of humility and appreciation that Krsna is present in His name will certainly have a chance of feeling the spiritual energy of the Lord...otherwise I don't see us having any chance of "feeling" something in our spiritual life.
Nityananda Chandra prabhu: it's funny and ironic that you mentioned this point. I was initially going to say in my original post, "Of course the dogmatic answer for my lack of enthusiasm would be: "You've committed some type of Vaishnava aparadha and therefore have no interest in devotional service"." Unfortunately I cannot pin point any offenses towards devotees. I rarely even associate with any devotees these days, so what to speak of offending them. I don't even think ill of the devotees that are practicing mixed devotional service, because I realize I am just like them. I don't even think ill of the devotees that have divergent philosophies or who are not in ISKCON, etc. I really just keep to myself. The only person I criticize and find fault in is myself. Sometimes I think the lack of enthusiasm is just from weakness of the heart and too much attachment to sense gratification.
Rasa Rasika prabhu: I moved into the temple in'94 and chanted all of my rounds everyday up until about 2001. I never really experienced Krishna in His Holy Name. I mean, I know that's what we're told, but I don't recall ever chanting and seeing Krishna dancing or talking to me or participating in Krishna's pastimes. Sure I sometimes felt "something", like a sense of contentment or joy or of having realizations that I was more than a physical body, but those are also things I've experienced without chanting the Maha Mantra.
Actually Jayadeva, i can think of 2 times I felt offended by you, but then I accepted that those who take offense make offense. Plus. you apologized for one of the times, so whatevs. And I hardly qualify as a devotee.
Jayadeva is a really nice, quiet, charming guy. I remember from my time in the temple with him that everyone liked him.
Personally, I wish Jayadeva was a little more offensive at times but I guess his wife makes up for that. She's horrible!
I can understand why, after years of dedication to service and chanting, one would stop. Like, I really can. The result, if any, seems quite subtle. And the present day examples of practitioners can be quite disappointing.
On a more encouraging note--if one is even looking to be encouraged--no loss or diminution along this path.
"I moved into the temple in'94 and chanted all of my rounds everyday up until about 2001."
Yes I also joined as a brahmacari and chanted 16 rounds every day and after 9 years of travelling and preaching I left and started reforming my Japa - Krsna kindly gave me the realisation that I wasn't chanting deeply and feeling anything....I was a Japa robot.
Now after many years of reformation and conducting Japa seminars online, I can say that if we chant the Hare Krsna mantra, following the simple instructions of Srila Prabhupada that we need to pronounce the names clearly and mainly hear the Holy names very seriously (as opposed to listening to our mind the whole time)...don't do other things at the same time and really give chanting our 100% effort...then the Lord has something to reciprocate with - otherwise it's a ritual and it's mechanical and I suspect that's why you make this most recent comment.
It sounds to me that your desires are elsewhere and you are willing justify that with your article.
At least start to chant again and this time focus seriously and I can guarantee you will feel the spiritual energy of the Lord and not just something you think you can find in material life.
If you cannot do this, then you need to examine the desires in your heart in a very honest way and see what is there.
The ball is in our court my friend...Krsna is waiting.
We tend to stay away from the temple these days too. It is frustrating and often beyond disappointing when it all falls so short. I end up thinking, "I gave up so much to be in this group and they are not even nice to each other in basic ways, they do not even protect each other in basic ways, there is so much concern for prestige and position and so little genuine affection, so little real emulation of the qualities that are supposed to be emulated. The society is such a failure." Where does that leave me then? I do not feel obligated to follow any practice and feel no need for anyone's approval. If someone thinks I should listen to them, they better have their act together, and most of all, I need be honestly concerned for me as an individual. Canned speeches just means nothing to offer - just let me control you because I feel good about myself when people do what I say. I do not have any time for that.
But I still feel the influence of that good association strongly. I look back at the choices I have made, particularly in my marriage relationship, and I see they were shaped by that time and I am pleased with the result. The ashrama time has made me a better spouse and makes it much easier to appreciate the small things also. I am attached. I have to work. I am peaceful with that and I try to become even more so. If something comes next, well that is far away from me. Those other realms are entirely out of reach, so if they exist or not is not relevant to my life at this point. Just trying to be good.
Later on, when life will be perhaps a little less hectic, something more spiritual may be attractive to me, but I am 100% sure it will be nothing institutional. Organizations may have some place in life, but they are material arrangements and too often material traps. Renouncing them is a step forwards, not backwards if you ask me.
@ Leo: after reading your comment I was like, "Wow, this guy sounds like he knows what's up. I should totally find out who this is and become their friend!" Then after clicking on your name link I realizes who this is! Haha! Glad to know you and have your friendship, prabhu.
Lol. Unintentional incognito. But we'll just go with it for now. Glad to be friends also.
Rasa Rasika prabhu: Thank you for your insights. You don't find it ironic though that chanting is supposed to be a simple and sublime process and yet we find devotees holding workshops and seminars and retreats and writing books focused on learning how to chant? If it's so easy and joyful then why do so many devotees find it to be a difficult and tedious chore? Even when I lived in the temple and had nothing else to do there were days that chanting japa was just soooo boring. Even after all of these years I don't think I've ever chanted or experienced the pure Holy Name, because I've never displayed any ecstatic symptoms while chanting.
" Krishna is never ungrateful for our efforts to serve Him, rest assured." -Srila Prabhupada
Dogmatic out of can das
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