Okay, so it seems my last post about developing agnostic attitudes towards Krishna Consciousness (and religion in general) has caused quite a ruckus. Personally I don't care about how I may be perceived from what I wrote. I really don't care if other devotees think I've "blooped" or I'm "in maya" or even if they think I'm smoking weed and drinking beer, but I think it's important to clarify a few things:1. I'm not saying Krishna (God) is not real. As I said at the end of the other post, I believe and have faith that there is something higher, something more than just this material existence that we are currently perceiving with our physical senses. I've personally experienced higher states of consciousness and awareness (in a non-drug related way) that have proven this fact to me. My contention in the previous post was that, "What impact or difference does this Higher Being have on my daily reality?" In other words, if I take the time to chant and pray and study the sastras for hours and hours everyday, how does it practically change my reality? Sure, reality is nothing more than our consciousness, but staying in the lofty ideals of Krishna Consciousness seems at times to be quite an impossible feat. How can I be completely absorbed in Krishna's pastimes with the gopas and gopis while I'm dealing with the reality of my day-to-day responsibilities and duties? I've tried to do that and it just doesn't work.
2. I'm not against Krishna Consciousness or trying to convince others that it doesn't work. All I'm saying is: IT'S NOT WORKING FOR ME. At least at this particular time it isn't doing much for me. And my point in making the previous post was to open up this kind of discussion. I think a vast majority of devotees have felt these feelings of doubt or lack of faith or whatever, but no one wants to say anything publicly for fear of being ostricized or looked down upon. After all, if you say to your self, "I don't know if I really believe all of this stuff" then you're left exposed and confronting the possibility that "Hey, maybe I'm not really a devotee...or at least not as advanced as I'd like to think...or not as advanced as I'd like OTHERS to think." There are many examples of stalwart Vaishnavas throughout the ages that have attained the perfection of bhakti-yoga. I'm not discredting their accomplishments or trying to say it's all make believe. They've attained something very rare, lofty and priceless, but it's something that remains inaccesible and mysterious to me.
3. All I was trying to express in my previous post is that sometimes I have doubts. Like I said, I wish more devotees would open up and talk about these things in public. Why do we have to be ashamed to say, "Yeah, sometimes I find japa to be really boring" or "I really just like hanging out, eating and talking prajalpa at the Sunday Feast"? It's like no one wants to be frank because they don't want other devotees to see them in a bad light. It's like we need to keep up this facade that we don't have any problems or like we never struggle. I don't get that. It's like when we only post pictures of our self on Facebook that we think are flattering. Why don't we ever post the ugly pictures?
So anyway, I just felt like that previous post needed this follow up. I'm not blooping anytime soon. I already did that back in 2002. It was fun for what it was, but in the end it left me feeling depressed, empty and lost. I know there's no true, lasting joy in this temporary, material world, but at the same time I've yet to find true, lasting joy on the path of devotional service. So I'll continue on with my mixed-devotion, sometimes watching Project Runway and sometimes watching Srila Prabhupada lectures, all the while praying to Sri Nityananda Prabhu to somehow or other bring me to that perfection which seems so despairingly unattainable.
3 comments:
You watch Srila Prabhupada lectures?
LOL.
Seriously, did people give you crap? How annoying. Like, why can't you express yourself without people thinking you are trying to manipulate the young impressionable eager minds they are trying to manipulate?
To put it mildly, I think we at GN (you, of course, were there for much longer than I) had a "special" experience not encountered by the everyday bhakta of the late 90's. It wasn't yoga programs and organic vegan prasadam and burning man drum circles if you know what I'm saying. The experience was intense and austere and demanding and a bit overwhelming.
For me there was a lot of opportunity that, with proper reflection, afforded me with tremendous and expedient personal growth. That's super good.
I do think a lot of devotee/people fear personal growth. The institution is not really set up to accommodate that personal maturation.
Blah blah blah. Just want to say I appreciate your HONESTY! and keep writing from the heart--fearlessly without compromises.
SATYAM!
I just read your two agnostic food blogs and quite enjoyed them. I'm a humanist (that word just sounds right now), so observing the human condition, and seeing people diving deep into their humanity is one of the most inspiring things in my life. That is all (which is a lot) I think you've done in your writing. You are questioning your life. From my point of view, that is a characteristic of progress, not going backward, "falling down", blooping, or whatever. I believe that mature "devotees" have a different perspective on doubt. Critical thinking is essential, it is a symptom of growth. We want our practice to be meaningful and dynamic rather than static, generic and monotonous. Contrary to the easy take on your state of mind, I see what you express as a state of potential. Granted, we require association with sadhus, and with the practices in order to derive more taste which will bring KC to life for us... but I have experienced what you are going through and seen many friends in the same boat, and to me it is an encouraging sign although it may not look that way on the ground.
Through re-evaluation of your spiritual life you will without a doubt discover several treasures which may have been stored away deep inside yourself which you weren't able to appreciate previously. I say doubt away sir! The world needs more forces on the front against fanaticism and black and white thinking. But, be open to the environment speaking back to you. It may direct you to someone who can satisfy your questions.
enjoyed reading,
madan gopal das
"Obstacles on the Path of Devotional Service" by Satsvarupa dasa Goswami could be a helpful read. The first section of the book covers doubts and how to deal with them.
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