This Side or That

We spend so much time in the external, material energy of God (Sri Krishna) that the internal world becomes something of an imaginary prospect. The concrete world that I perceive with my material senses is infinitely more real to me than Vaikuntha or Goloka Vrindavan. It's ironic that this temporary, ephemeral material world seems more real to me than that internal world which is eternal and unchanging.

How we spend our time affects how we perceive reality. If we spend all of our time absorbed in the external, material energy then we will identify with it and become caught up in all of its changes, transformations and complexities. We will become completely convinced that we are these material, physical bodies and subtle minds. We will become convinced that we are the temporary personality that we currently happen to be. In other words, we will be in total, complete ignorance about our real identity as spiritual energy, spiritual beings.

Conversely, if we spend our time absorbed in the internal energy (through associating with and serving advanced, realized souls, hearing from them and the sastras (Vedic scriptures), chanting the Holy Name, etc.) then we will come closer to that side of reality and begin to experience those higher truths.

I've experienced both sides of this coin. I've lived in the temple/ashram as a celibate monk, fully absorbed in Krishna Conscious/devotional/spiritual activities and I've also moved out of the ashram and gone full force back into the external, material energy and the world of sense gratification. Each world has its own peculiar set of good and bad, happiness and struggles.

I was never truly happy when I moved out of the ashram. There was always a sense of discontent and of wasting my time in activities that had no meaning or purpose. At the same time, living in the ashram was becoming boring and mechanical. My Guru Maharaja once told me that I was something like a ghost, caught inbetween two worlds, not fully committing to either side. This is my plight even up to the present day.

Is this not the nature of human consciousness? Sometimes moving towards the non-material, spiritual side of things and at other times gravitating towards sense gratification? The spiritualist is engaged in a constant struggle against their lower nature and desires. Being absorbed in the material we cultivate a material consciousness full of self-centered ideas and goals. Being absorbed in the spiritual we cultivate selflessness, service and devotional ecstasy. The latter moves us closer to realizing our true, eternal identity in relationship with the Divine Source of all existence.

If I step back from my existence and look at it from an objective view point I can see just how much time I waste. The mind enjoys habit and being pleasure seeking we fall into patterns and routines that afford us the most amount of "instant gratification". I find myself wandering on the internet, going on eBay or Facebook or some comic book website and searching for some kind of enjoyment. But all of these things are simply reinforcing my illusion that I am my body and that I'll be here forever. Why don't I instead use my time to cultivate the internal, spiritual, eternal side of my existence?

I find no motivation, no enthusiasm to pursue that side of things. I know it's important, I know I'm going to die and yet the urgency is lacking. I am completely covered by illusion, completely covered over by this material energy.

That spiritual, internal, eternal side of existence will forever remain hidden from me if I continue on identifying with the material and pursuing sense gratification. But the attachment and material identification are so strong and difficult to break. There's no way we can do it alone or by our own power. This is the wonder of the mercy of Sri Guru/Sri Nityananda Prabu. Through their causeless mercy we are brought up into that higher quarter, even though we are so unqualified and contaminated.

I pray to Sri Nityananda Prabhu to never give up on me and to forcibly push me towards the internal world. In Kali-yuga we have no other recourse and no other hope.