Reflections on HH Bhakti Tirtha Swami's Appearance Day

 

This year I completely forgot about my Guru Maharaja’s Vyasa-puja/Appearance Day. I only remembered it when my wife mentioned that one of her friend’s had mentioned it to her. I had been so caught up in thinking of my wife’s birthday and my everyday responsibilities that I completely wasn’t even thinking about it.

It really made me wonder about the depth of my commitment and seriousness about the process of bhakti-yoga. What kind of disciple am I if I don’t even remember or honor my Spiritual Master’s Appearance Day? Then again, what kind of disciple am I if I don’t even strictly follow my initiation vows?

I’ve pondered this notion before in other blog posts. I’ve examined my faith (or lack thereof), my doubts and my lack of enthusiasm. Some devotees commented at the time that doubt and self-reflection are important processes on the path of bhakti. Without it we may accept things blindly or become mechanical in our routines. I have to wonder though: at what point does the doubt become destructive, rather than constructive? When does it become detrimental rather than beneficial?

I think back to my days as my Guru Maharaja’s personal servant and secretary. It was so long ago that it seems like it was another lifetime ago. It also seems like another lifetime ago because of the completely different consciousness I had at the time. Where did that young brahamcari go? Where did my enthusiasm go? Where did my conviction go?

I spent a lot of time in the physical presence of my Guru Maharaja. When he would stay at Gita Nagari I would massage his feet every evening. One time during this service he said to me, “One day you’ll look back and be very grateful for this time.” He didn’t say it or mean it in an egotistical way. I took what he said to mean that I would look back at that time and remember what it was like to be fully absorbed in devotional service. I think he knew I was moving away from the path and could understand that in the future I would be “out in the world” and experiencing the mundane, daily struggle for survival.

I think of that prophetic statement and wonder: how much did those experiences change me? How different did I become from all of that service? What was really the benefit of it all?  It’s difficult when your Spiritual Master physically departs. It’s hard enough to be serious about the process when your Guru is in a different State or on a different continent, what to speak of when they’re no longer on the planet at all.  Of course if we’re talking about the principle of Sri Guru (that indwelling Paramatma), then the Guru is never away from us, even for a second.

Even though my Guru Maharaja has physically departed, that principle of Sri Guru remains. That guidance is still available to me if I am receptive to it. Not necessarily in the same form, but in the essence.

Maybe the way in which personally serving my Guru Maharaja changed me or benefited me is that I cannot give up the path of bhakti, no matter how great my doubts or weaknesses become. When I moved out of the temple in 2002 I went back to a materialistic life: playing in a band, drinking, smoking, watching TV, etc. But through it all I couldn’t forget about Krishna and the process of devotional service. There were even times when I was in an “altered state” and I would turn on a Srila Gour Govinda Swami lecture or an Aindra Prabhu kirtan. My central focus never strayed too far from Krishna, even when externally it appeared that I was fully in the throes of maya.

So perhaps this was my Guru Maharaja’s blessing upon me. Perhaps that was my great fortune in being able to serve him. He gave me the ability to always come back to Krishna Consciousness. Isn’t that really the essence of Sri Guru/Sri Nityananda Prabhu’s causeless mercy? That somehow, in spite of our selves and our shortcomings, that we will inevitably reach the lotus feet of Krishna?

I ashamed to admit that I forgot my Guru Maharaja’s appearance day, but I am not too proud to admit it. I am not too proud to say I am fallen and destitute. I am not too proud to say that I am nothing without the causeless mercy of Sri Sri Gaura-Nitai and Sri Guru. Maybe one day I will be able to make my Gurudeva proud by becoming an exemplary disciple. Until that I time I beg for his forgiveness for being such a dull, lazy, hypocritical and callous disciple.