This past weekend my (almost) 2-year old daugher, Gita, had
fallen and scraped both of her knees. She’s a very girly-girl and doesn’t
tolerate pain very well. She becomes very traumatized by any type of physical
distress and will cry and whine about it for hours and sometimes days.
So I spent the weekend with her in this miserable state. I
became so absorbed in taking care of her and worrying about her “boo-boos”. I
was cleaning and dressing them three times a day (which she was not fond of!).
I was trying to take her mind off of her distress. I was obsessing about every
little detail, like did I put enough Neosporin or should I have not used gauze
or should I have not wiped the excess cleanser off with my finger, because it
might have germs on it, etc., etc. It was pretty bad. Even last night I was
laying up in anxiety because I had used a gauze pad and was afraid we would
wake up in the morning and find it had stuck to the wound (which had happened
the previous morning and ripped her scab off!).
Then driving home to work this morning I couldn’t stop
thinking about her and worrying about everything. Would she be okay? Would the
band-aid fall off? What if she fell down again? What if it gets infected? I was
a mess of nerves and anxiety!
Then I had this realization, “If I thought about Krishna as
much as I am thinking about my daughter and worrying about her well-being I
would be in total samadhi and completely Krishna Consciousness!” It got me thinking about
the parental rasa or relationship with Krishna known as vatsalya-rasa. I could
finally understand and appreciate how Mother Yasoda would feel towards her
young child Krishna. The level of anxiety and worry creates an intense
meditation. I can imagine when Krishna heads out into the forests of Vrindavan
with His cowherd boyfriends and cows that Mother Yasoda spends the entire day
worrying about Him and wondering if He is okay.
Somehow I have to transfer this anxiety and worry to
Krishna. That would be the perfection of my existence. Everything in this world
is transitory and temporary. There is no value in worrying about the temporary
things in this world, whether it’s our children, our families, our possessions,
etc. We all have our karma and our destinies fixed up and there is nothing I
can do to change mine or anyone else. If my daughter is meant to fall down
and scrape her knees then I can’t stop it. Of course this doesn't mean we become callous and not care about others. It just means we understand there are limits to what we can actually do.
I am under the illusion that I can somehow protect my
daughter in all situations and all circumstances, but in reality it’s just not
possible. This weekend I was thinking foolishly that I would protect her from
all calamities by giving her my full attention and being mindful of all the
possible things that could harm her. Then she was eating a snack of little
cheese crackers and out of nowhere began choking on one of them! The look of
terror on her face sent chills down my spine. I patted her back and did a
finger sweep in her mouth and she coughed it out. She was crying and gagging.
At that moment I realized I have no power to protect her. She, and I and you,
are completely in God’s hands. We are in the hands of fate and destiny.
I can try my best to protect my daughter and my loved ones,
but in the end what happens is not up to me. That’s such a frightening thought
when you realize how very little control we actually have. The people that I
love and that are close to me could be destined to suffer a terrible accident
or die a horrible death and there’s nothing I can do to stop it from happening.
All we can do is give up
our illusion of control, depend on God and try to see the positive blessings in
everything that happens. It’s not always an easy thing to do, but the
alternative of becoming constantly full of fear, anxiety and depression really
isn’t a better option. That is unless the focus of our meditation is Krishna.
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