Honesty in Krishna Consciousness

Once my Guru Maharaja said to me in an email that my honesty was a good quality. I was always very frank and honest with him, more so in the later years of our communication. He knew my weaknesses and knew I wasn't always able to follow my initiation vows. I was never delusional about that fact either, like, "Oh, my Guru Maharaja doesn't know I'm not chanting my rounds. I'll just pretend and tell him I am!" What would be the point of that? The only one I would be deluding would be myself.

I think sometimes as devotees we're afraid to be honest, because it means we may be seen in a negative light by others. We may be perceived as not as wonderful and devotional in the eyes of other, more "fixed up" devotees. But why should we worry about what other people think of us? Especially when those people may also have their own issues that they just don't put on public display? The fact is we're all struggling in Krishna Consciousness. Just because we don't talk about it doesn't mean it's not happening. Perhaps if we DID talk about our struggles more open and honestly, there would be greater healing and progress on the path of devotion. I think many times devotees don't want to talk about their struggles because they're afraid of that condemnation or ridicule from others.

Of course honesty has to come with humility and regret. We could be honest and say, "Yeah, I don't follow the regs, I don't chant and I watch tons of television, but whatever...at least I'm honest about it!" Stagnation and complacency in devotional service are dangerous impediments. We have to feel a genuine sense of remorse, "I can't meet this standard of devotional service. I wish I wasn't so fallen. I wish I could be more fixed in my sadhana and my vows." At the same time we shouldn't be driven by guilt. We don't want our actions in Krishna Consciousness to be guilt-based, i.e. - that we're only doing things because we'd feel guilty otherwise. Guilt has no place in devotional service. It's a negative and destructive emotion. Rather it's genuine humility that we must cultivate.

Being honest means being able to evaluate our level of devotion and surrender in an unbiased way. If we're honest with ourselves we can know where we are weak and what we need to work on. If we're not honest with ourselves, then we'll think that we're better than everyone else and that we have no faults and are never wrong. This type of delusional thinking is nothing more than an action of the false ego. We want to feel some sense of pride, value, importance or worth and if we make mistakes and aren't perfect then we can't feel this power. But pride is also a great stumbling block on the path of devotion. Just look at what happened to Indra.

Sure I watch television and movies, I listen to non-devotional music, I rarely chant my rounds, I read non-devotional books and magazines, etc., so does all of that make me not a devotee? I would say it makes me more of a fourth-class devotee. I still have faith in Srila Prabhupada, my Guru Maharaja and the process of devotional service, but I just know that I'm too weak, too materially attached and too full of lust and sex desire to fully surrender to Guru and Krishna. It is my own weakness and my own anarthas that keep me from the deeper, higher realizations of Krishna Consciousness. There is no fault in the process, the only fault is in my self. It's like being an alcoholic and not wanting to admit that you need help, even though you know you've got a problem. You still want to cling to the bottle, because it's comforting and stress relieving. You feel like if you give it up, then what will you be left with? Sometimes I feel that: what if I totally surrender to Krishna, then how will I enjoy my senses and my material existence? It sometimes feel so hopeless that I'll ever be able to fully surrender, but it's late and that's a reflection best left for another post.

Tamo Guna Humor

I recently had the great (dis)pleasure of watching the film "Grandma's Boy". It was produced by Adam Sandler and if anyone knows Adam Sandler's repertoire of work, you pretty much know what you're getting into with "Grandma's Boy". I won't go into a lengthy review about the film, but what it did was spark a realization in me about the current trend of comedy films such "Napoleon Dynamite", Ben Stiller movies, Adam Sandler movies, Will Ferrell movies, David Spade movies, etc. The humor in these films is so low consciousness. It's why when after you're done watching one you feel sort of "moded out", as the devotees would say. You feel the sense of density and dullness. Of course there are sometimes funny moments in these kind of films, but the laughs are far and few between and the majority of the time is spent in the awareness of how stupid and ridiculous they are.

Association happens not only on the physical level, but it happens on the subtle level as well. This is also the great "danger" of listening to so-called "karmi music". These sound vibrations create impressions within our consciousness and add fuel to our self-centered, materialistic desires. What we associate with, we become. This is also why the Acaryas stress the importance of sadhu-sanga (if I were a great scholar and pundit I would add some sastric evidence here!). Through the association of more advanced Vaishnavas we develop faith, determination and enthusiasm in devotional service. Our bhakti creeper is fortified and nourished.

So why are these types of low-brow humor comedy movies so popular in today's society? It seems like an indication of the collective consciousness on this planet...which is frightening. There is a pervasive sense of ignorance and passion in the world, which is really nothing new or shocking. Passion and ignorance are the way of the conditioned jivas. These movies are so stimulating to such persons because they are relating to the energy, the consciousness. After all, in reality we are nothing more than spiritual energy. Everything is energy, vibrating and oscillating at various rates.

Anyway, if this were a movie review I'd say don't waste your valuable time watching "Grandma's Boy", but we all know as devotees we're not watching mundane movies anyway, right? Hmm...that just gave me an idea for a future post: honesty in Krishna Consciousness.

Out of Wine. Life is Crap.

That's what the woman's shirt said yesterday at work. It was a pink t-shirt with an illustrated chalkboard sign next to an empty wine glass. On the sign it said "Out of wine." Underneath that there was a handwritten font that said "Life is crap."

I had to laugh in my head at the absurdity of the t-shirt's frank boldness. It also made me wonder about the character of the woman wearing the shirt. Does she really think life is crap without wine? Was it simply tongue in cheek? As it's said, there's always some truth in our joking.

Taking the message of this shirt in a literal way it's saying, "Without being constantly intoxicated, life is miserable and unbearable". The frightening and sad thing is that so many people have this type of mindset, if not in an overtly way than in their psyche. We need some type of intoxication, (which can manifest in a variety of sense gratifying activities from drugs to sex to shopping) in order to feel some sense of happiness, joy and satisfaction in life. It's the completely materialistic conception of life, i.e. - that the purpose of life is simply to pursue sense gratification. This is the ultimate goal of the materialistic person.

When I was looking for that above image, I found out that there is a company called "Life is Crap".

http://lifeiscrap.shop.musictoday.com/Default.aspx

They make all kind of t-shirts and accessories on the theme of when and why life is "crap". The themes are essentially when bad things happen to us. From a Krishna Conscious perspective we could look at this website and realize that life is not "crap" because bad things happen to us, rather bad things happen to us because of our past and current vikarma. And the only thing that makes us perceive these things as being "crap" is our mind. From a perspective of transcendence one can understand, "These things are happening to me from my previous misdeeds. They are simply happening as a reaction. All I can do is tolerate them." Of course a devotee wouldn't be running out of wine and thinking this! But as aspiring devotees seemingly bad things happen to us and our loved ones all of the time: illness, loss of money, loss of business, accidents, etc.

These events in and of themselves are not "crap", rather it's our crappy consciousness that makes them appear as "crap". (Wow...there's a lot of crap in this post!) It's all about how we perceive and codify the events in our lives. There's really nothing "good" or "bad" happening to us, but it's our minds that codify it as such.

It always comes back to the Avanti brahmana. You want to talk about life being crap! He had people taunting him, stealing his stuff, hitting him on the head, even farting and spitting on him and peeing on his food on a daily basis! Most of us would not be able to endure what he was experiencing, but never once did he say, "Life is crap!" Rather he understood his transcendental position as a spiritual being and could realize that everything he was experiencing was simply the three modes of material nature acting as a result of his past karma. This is the consciousness we're after! This is genuine Krishna Consciousness! Not the type of consciousness that says, "Oh, I don't have this, I don't have that, this bad thing happened, etc., so therefore my life is crap!" The only reason we should lament is because we're not genuinely Krishna Conscious. Now there's a t-shirt for you:

No Krishna Consciousness. Life is crap.

Moments of Illness

We all know this material world is a place of suffering. We've all experienced it first hand: birth, death, disease and old age. It's relentless and overwhelming at times. The so-called happiness we experience is nothing more than a momentary cessation of the constant suffering we endure. Happiness and distress are constantly moving and shifting, like the waves coming and going on a beach.

I'm currently experiencing some illness, which I've self diagnosed as a "head and chest cold". I seem to always be prone to sinus infections. Why is that when we're experiencing sickness, it feels as if there will be no end and no relief from it? Yet when we're healthy, we forget the misery of sickness and can't remember ever being ill? It seems no matter which condition we're in, we forget about the former.


This is nothing more than illusion. When asked what the most astonishing thing about life is, Yuddhistira Maharaja exclaimed that it was even though a person sees his father die and his grandfather die and his great grandfather die, etc., that he still thinks, "I will never die!" We live our daily lives either ignoring or denying the fact of death, the fact of this temporary nature of our present existence and experience. Just as this sickness comes without warning, so too will death come.

I like to look at illness as an opportunity to connect deeper with spiritual truths, to apply the philosophy into our practical experience. My dear god brother HH Bhakti Dhira Damodara Swami once told me that illness is Krishna's mercy, because it is purifying us, burning off bad karma, and accelerating our progress towards Krishna's lotus feet. Sometimes it's difficult to appreciate this kind of realization when one is suffering intensely, both physically and mentally. But as aspiring devotees it is our duty to perceive suffering in this way, even if we can't genuinely appreciate the sufferings like Queen Kunti did. We are not so advanced to pray for the suffering and calamities to come, but we can be advanced enough to at least theoretically understand them as Krishna's mercy and to use them to intensify our devotion and focus on Krishna Conscious philosophy.

It is inevitable that my current illness will in time pass. It is also inevitable that my healthy state will also pass yet again. As Krishna advises Arjuna in the Bhagavad-gita, we must simply tolerate the appearance of happiness and distress, just as the passing of the seasons. This state of equipoise and transcendence echoes the consciousness of the Avanti brahmana. It is a full awareness of the Self as distinct from the experiences of the mind and senses. It is this type of awareness or Krishna Consciousness that we must aspire for. Otherwise our devotional practices are all for show. If we're not experiencing a genuine transformation of consciousness and of the heart, then what is the value of even calling myself a devotee?

Gurudeva, please give me this ability and vision to remain equipoised in happiness and distress. Please allow me to never forget Krishna, even amidst the greatest sufferings or the greatest pleasures. This material world is transitory and ephemeral. Please allow me to remain fixed in my true Self and to never lose focus of the goal, which is unconditional love for Krishna, for that is the only goal which will end all suffering.

Daily Life as Seva

Sometimes it seems when we hear brahmacaris or sannyasis talk about Krishna Consciousness, there's a disconnect and lack of sensitivity to the everyday reality faced by those living outside of the temple or who are in the grhasta ashram. After all, they're spending their everyday directly preaching, serving the Deities, taking prasadam, etc. and not having to worry about credit card bills, gas prices, work, school, scheduling, children, etc. Their life is one of full dedication and absorption in devotional service, whereas for the grhasta it can be a struggle to remember Krishna in the midst of so much material distraction. It can also be difficult to see one's "daily grind" of work, school and family life as being connected to devotional service.

This morning I was reflecting on how my daily life is my austerity, it is my seva or service to Guru and Krishna. Getting myself ready in the morning, the 2-hour commute back and forth from school three times a week, getting my daughter ready in the morning, taking her to school, going to work, picking my daughter up, doing school work, etc. All of these things are my service. It's simply our consciousness that determines if it's mundane or transcendental. When Krishna is at the center and is the conscious focus of one's activities and life, then everything one does is an act of devotional service (of course within the parameters of Vedic rules and regulations).

So we have to begin to see everything that we're doing as service towards the greater goal of becoming Krishna Conscious. Of course it's not that easy to just say it and it happens. There has to be constant reflection and use of intelligence and also sadhu-sanga and study of the sastras. By slow and steady progress we become Krishna Conscious, not overnight. And I admit to the difficult nature of always remembering Krishna, especially when you're in the thick of maya at work or school. I can go all day at work and not think of Krishna once and then when I'm leaving and getting in my car I realize, "Wow...I didn't think of Krishna at all while I was working!" It's depressing at times, but at least I'm aware of the problem.

Gurudeva, please bless me with the ability to always see Krishna constantly at every moment, in every experience and in every situation. Without that vision I will surely be swept away by the powerful waves of illusion.

Lessons of the Avanti Brahmana

Yesterday was a bit emotionally turbulent for me. I won't go into the details (for professional reasons), but let's just say that I was experiencing some adhibautika (sufferings caused by other living entities), which lead to adhyatmika (sufferings caused by the self/mind). How is it that we give so much control of our mental states to other living entities? One word or one comment can be enough to send us into a state of anger or depression. Why are we so affected by others opinions or perceptions of us? Obviously it's simply due to the false ego, but just saying and knowing that in theory doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Others harsh comments still sting, still affect us on an emotional, psychological level.

I wish I could be more like the Avanti brahmana, who's tale is narrated in the 11th Canto, 23rd chapter of the Srimad Bhagavatam (http://vedabase.net/sb/11/23/en1):

"The brahmana said: These people are not the cause of my happiness and distress. Neither are the demigods, my own body, the planets, my past work, or time. Rather, it is the mind alone that causes happiness and distress and perpetuates the rotation of material life." (S.B. 11.23.42)

We all have the choice of how we assimilate and interpret our experiences. We can see someone's harsh comment from the point of view of the false ego and think, "Why is this person so mean? They don't even know me! Now I'm going to avoid this person or think ill of them!" or we can perceive it with the intelligence and see it as Krishna speaking to us through Paramatma, "Oh, Krishna is speaking to me through this person. What lesson am I to be learning from this in order to make advancement on the path of devotion?"

Every moment, every experience, is a chance to make spiritual advancement. There is never a moment where Krishna is not present. So as aspiring devotees, we must have faith that everything we experience is being arranged by Krishna, even the seemingly "bad" things, i.e. - things that aren't pleasing to our mind or senses. That type of surrender will bring us closer to Krishna. It will bring in us a sense of calm and inner peace. It's what allowed the Avanti brahmana to ignore the disrespect and abuse of others. A lofty platform? Certainly, but one that can be attained through constant practice and self reflection.

Insect vs. Human vs. Soul

A small winged insect crawls on the window pane next to me. It's oblivious to the sufferings of humanity. It's only concern and focus is where to find food, where to find a mate and how to survive. How does that make me any different? There are thousands of students on this campus, roaming hither and thither, just like the insect: looking for food, sex and comfort.




I look again and the insect is cleaning its eyes and antennae. Now its cleaning its back legs by rubbing them together. Cleanliness is next to godliness, isn't it? I think about our pet dog who could be a vegetarian, doesn't have sex, doesn't gamble and doesn't take intoxication. So how am I any different if I don't pursue and focus on my spiritual life?

Every moment is a chance to reflect on Krishna's presence. The pure devotees never forget about Krishna, even in the face of great suffering and chaos. I could make so many excuses why I don't have the time to think about Krishna, yet Krishna is still there. His presence simply obfuscated by the thin veil of maya. But why is it only in quiet moments of contemplation that I find Krishna's presence so strongly? Why not in those chaotic moments of work and school can I see Krishna before me? Is it because I don't WANT to see Krishna?

The insect still sits there on the window pane, rubbing its back legs together. What kind of life is that? What purpose does it have? As human beings we may look at the insect and think, "What a foolish creature! It's just sitting on the window pane, cleaning itself and looking for food and sex and then it dies! What a meaningless life!" Yet how different are the lives we're leading? "Sophisticated animals", Srila Prabhupada called them.

How can I claim to be a devotee of Krishna if I do not even practice the devotional principles in my own life? I've seen both worlds, i.e. - the world of daily devotional practice and the world of full absorption in maya, and I've seen that the latter is so empty and depressing. When I moved out of the temple at Gita-nagari and back home to my father's house, this realization was even more enhanced. At one point I became so depressed with my lack of devotional service and consciousness. I shared this with my Guru Maharaja to which he replied:

"If you think about it, just living an ordinary life devoid of devotion is damn boring."

And he's right. It's just like the life of the insect crawling on the window. Real life is devotional life, spiritual life; living a life full of service to Guru, Krishna and the devotees. That is real purpose, because it's eternal. It connects us with our genuine, eternal selves, not with the illusion of bodily and mental identification.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking we're human, of thinking we're this body and mind. But we're not! We're pure energy, pure jiva full of bliss, eternality and pure knowledge. How easy it is to forget this. I pray to my Guru Maharaja to continue blessing me with the realization that life without his service and service to the Vaishnavas and Krishna is meaningless.

No Time

I have no time to start a blog. I have no time to chant Hare Krishna. I have no time to visit the temple. I have no time to associate with devotees. So what do I have time for? Going to school, going to work and finding ways to gain some fleeting sense of happiness through sense gratification. It's amazing how we have time for the things that we WANT to do or for the things that bring us pleasure.

When personal sense gratification is involved, we can tolerate all kinds of distress and unpleasant situations. If we perceive the goal as great enough, we can go all day without eating or drinking and all night without sleeping, because we think, "Who cares that I'm suffering in this way, because in the end the pleasure or happiness I get from this will all be worth it!" Yet when it comes to Krishna Consciousness and devotional service, i.e. - selfless service with no personal motivation, we all of a sudden can't stand even the slightest inconvenience or austerity! The problem is that we don't perceive the value of it. It's abstract, ethereal, conceptual. It has no bearing on our reality and there's definitely no instant gratification from it. So we think, "Why would I want to stay up all night chanting Hare Krishna? Why would I want to not eat all day long on a festival day? Why would I want to spend 2 hours in the car traveling to the temple?" There's no perception of the value.

Our consciousness is conditioned, diseased, contaminated, therefore we can't perceive the value of performing these austerities in devotional service. Conditioned consciousness thinks only of selfish pleasure and personal comfort and happiness. There's no other consideration. We consider the value of things based on how much pleasure it's going to bring us and we accept or reject things based on this system of evaluation. It's all the mind, i.e. - mental platform. In this state we'll never understand or appreciate the value of Krishna Consciousness in our daily lives.

So what to do? I am an unfortunate soul. I have no time for Krishna Consciousness. I only have time to pursue my personal goals of sense gratification and material comfort. And I am even more unfortunate because I am like the alcoholic that doesn't even see that they have a problem and can't cry out for help. "I'm fine, I'm fine", they say, as they're falling and stumbling and vomiting on themselves. I can't even cry out to Guru and Krishna to help me, because I think my condition is fine. "This is just the way life is. I go to work and school and sometimes I do Krishna Conscious activities." Contentment leads to stagnation. Stagnation leads to spiritual death. If there is no yearning for Krishna, no sense of urgency or desperation or eagerness for Krishna Conscious activities, then that is spiritual death.

Anyway, I have no time to continue writing, because it's late and I have to get up early to continue the cycle of having no time for Krishna. Krishna! Krishna! Hey Govinda! Hey Gopal! Please never let me forget You, even amidst this terrible ocean of material suffering and temptations! You are my only refuge. Please send your sincere devotees to me so that I may have their association, for it is only through Your pure devotees that I can know You.