Honesty in Krishna Consciousness

Once my Guru Maharaja said to me in an email that my honesty was a good quality. I was always very frank and honest with him, more so in the later years of our communication. He knew my weaknesses and knew I wasn't always able to follow my initiation vows. I was never delusional about that fact either, like, "Oh, my Guru Maharaja doesn't know I'm not chanting my rounds. I'll just pretend and tell him I am!" What would be the point of that? The only one I would be deluding would be myself.

I think sometimes as devotees we're afraid to be honest, because it means we may be seen in a negative light by others. We may be perceived as not as wonderful and devotional in the eyes of other, more "fixed up" devotees. But why should we worry about what other people think of us? Especially when those people may also have their own issues that they just don't put on public display? The fact is we're all struggling in Krishna Consciousness. Just because we don't talk about it doesn't mean it's not happening. Perhaps if we DID talk about our struggles more open and honestly, there would be greater healing and progress on the path of devotion. I think many times devotees don't want to talk about their struggles because they're afraid of that condemnation or ridicule from others.

Of course honesty has to come with humility and regret. We could be honest and say, "Yeah, I don't follow the regs, I don't chant and I watch tons of television, but whatever...at least I'm honest about it!" Stagnation and complacency in devotional service are dangerous impediments. We have to feel a genuine sense of remorse, "I can't meet this standard of devotional service. I wish I wasn't so fallen. I wish I could be more fixed in my sadhana and my vows." At the same time we shouldn't be driven by guilt. We don't want our actions in Krishna Consciousness to be guilt-based, i.e. - that we're only doing things because we'd feel guilty otherwise. Guilt has no place in devotional service. It's a negative and destructive emotion. Rather it's genuine humility that we must cultivate.

Being honest means being able to evaluate our level of devotion and surrender in an unbiased way. If we're honest with ourselves we can know where we are weak and what we need to work on. If we're not honest with ourselves, then we'll think that we're better than everyone else and that we have no faults and are never wrong. This type of delusional thinking is nothing more than an action of the false ego. We want to feel some sense of pride, value, importance or worth and if we make mistakes and aren't perfect then we can't feel this power. But pride is also a great stumbling block on the path of devotion. Just look at what happened to Indra.

Sure I watch television and movies, I listen to non-devotional music, I rarely chant my rounds, I read non-devotional books and magazines, etc., so does all of that make me not a devotee? I would say it makes me more of a fourth-class devotee. I still have faith in Srila Prabhupada, my Guru Maharaja and the process of devotional service, but I just know that I'm too weak, too materially attached and too full of lust and sex desire to fully surrender to Guru and Krishna. It is my own weakness and my own anarthas that keep me from the deeper, higher realizations of Krishna Consciousness. There is no fault in the process, the only fault is in my self. It's like being an alcoholic and not wanting to admit that you need help, even though you know you've got a problem. You still want to cling to the bottle, because it's comforting and stress relieving. You feel like if you give it up, then what will you be left with? Sometimes I feel that: what if I totally surrender to Krishna, then how will I enjoy my senses and my material existence? It sometimes feel so hopeless that I'll ever be able to fully surrender, but it's late and that's a reflection best left for another post.