I wanted to write a blog post, because I haven't written in so long. Every time I start writing though I end up deleting it. It feels too forced, too much like I'm trying to make some profound point. In reality, I have nothing to say, because I feel so lost and disappointed with a lot of things in my life right now. They're the kind of things that writing about and talking about don't really make any better. It's kind of like my circular arguments with the process of Krishna Consciousness and trying to become selfless. I end up talking things into an endless circle with no conclusions or resolution and in the end just end up feeling more distraught and hopeless than when I first began.
Nothing in this world seems to be simple. We make it so complicated with our selfish desires and material attachments. Why did I move out of the temple and make my life so complicated? I suppose I was trying to be honest with sex desire. I didn't want to be a false renunciate, wearing the saffron robes of a celibate monk and constantly meditating on sex and surfing the internet for porn. So it could be said I made my life complicated by pursuing a life of sex desire and sexual pleasure. Seems like a fair assessment. After all, the Srimad Bhagavatam proclaims that sex desire is the root cause of our bondage here in the material world (in material consciousness). If we run after it, in whatever form, we have to be prepared for all of the shit that comes along with it.
Sometimes I wish I lived in a secluded cave out in the woods with no connection to the outside world. No, I'm serious. That's just kind of my nature. I feel like a renunciate by nature. Unfortunately I couldn't renounce sex desire and well...here I am today.
At times our lives feel like a series of choices, but in reality these choices are nothing but illusions. We are simply playing out our karma, our destinies that have been written from our previous desires, thoughts and actions. Srila Prabhupada has said so many times in his lectures that we are destined to experience a certain amount of happiness and suffering. There's nothing we can do to change it. My life as it is now could not be any other way, because I was destined to experience everything that is happening right now. All of the pain and suffering I'm currently experiencing was destined to come to me. There was no way I could avoid it or side step it. All I can do now is deal with it in the most detached and Krishna Conscious way possible.
A materialist sees shitty things happening and just thinks shitty things are happening to them. And they just become morose and depressed. A spiritually minded person or devotee (or even an aspiring devotee) has the ability to see the shitty things as lessons and opportunities for spiritual realization and spiritual growth. "Why am I suffering in this way? What is Krishna or God trying to tell me through this experience? How can I use this experience to become spiritually stronger?"
Because I am in this material body and covered by a material mind, I am certain that more suffering is in my future. In fact, I will probably live out the rest of this life experiencing various degrees of suffering. It's just the nature of living in this temporary, material world. The sooner I embrace this fact, the sooner I can start focusing on the real purpose of this life and stop wasting my time trying to avoid suffering.
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