Selfishness and Selflessness

What is it that makes us perceive the world in the way that we do? How is it that some devotees can be so stalwart, faithful, enthusiastic and dedicated to Guru and Krishna and yet others struggle to find meaning and relevance within the process?

My whole devotional life has been a struggle. Some would suggest that means it doesn't work and to just give it up. Others would say it's just my karma. Some might say it's Guru and Krishna's mercy in that it's purifying me and making me more surrendered.

I feel like most of my blog musings come back to this central theme of questioning what this process is and why I'm doing it. One time my Guru Maharaja said to me, after I had asked him how I could become more selfless, "Do you realize you keep asking the same question over and over? Maybe you should take a look at that." I think his point was that he already gave me the answer, but I wasn't hearing it, I wasn't accepting it, because I didn't WANT to accept it. The point being that I wasn't really sincere or honest in my desire to become selfless.

Selflessness is the crux to all devotional advancement and realization. Without it the whole thing seems quite impossible, difficult, unreal, irrelevant and unattainable. The fact is that selfishness and selflessness cannot co-exist on the path of devotional service. As the old saying goes about wanting our cake and eating it to, we can't do whatever selfish, self-centered sense gratification that we want and expect to attain anything tangible within the process of bhakti-yoga, Krishna Consciousness.

We can't hold on to a selfish mentality and consciousness and be a genuine Vaishnava. It just doesn't work. If we think it can work then we are completely delusional. It's like thinking you can start a fire by simultaneously pouring water on it.

The fact is I don't WANT to be Krishna Conscious. I don't WANT to be selfless. I don't want to put Guru and Krishna before my own wants and desires. That's a fact. And I have to be ready to accept the consequences of my selfish desires and self-centered focus. One of those consequences happens to be a loss of faith, interest and enthusiasm in hearing and chanting about Krishna.

Selfishness leads to misery. There is no doubt about this. It's not a devotee thing. It's just a fact of life. I have seen it in others and I have experienced it myself first hand. Selfish people are miserable, angry and depressed. It's just a natural result of a selfish mentality. Conversely, a selfless person is full of joy, happiness and free from all anxiety.

Our whole problem of why we can't accept the simplicity of the path of devotional service, nor experience those higher states of realization and consciousness, is because of selfishness. We waste so much time focusing on our self: our problems, our wants, our sorrows, our desires, our comfort, our stress, our anxiety, our this, our that. It's no wonder there's little room for anything else. We can barely take the time to care about close loved ones, what to speak of Krishna (God).

This current life has been an ongoing struggle for me in terms of becoming selfless. My Guru Maharaja wrote to me once, "Yours in the struggle for unconditional love". There's no doubt it's a struggle. Very rare is the person who actually wants to be selfless and who actually experiences the joy from it. But how amazing it is when one actually becomes selfless, because then ALL of one's problems instantly disappear.

Those Vaishnavas that are very advanced and "fixed up" and enthusiastic and joyful on the path are those that are selfless. Just take a close look at their qualities and examine their lives. And those devotees that struggle and are miserable half the time and doubt everything are those that are completely selfish and self-centered.

To become genuinely selfless is a gift. I humbly bow down to those who have attained such a lofty goal. Like I said, most people you meet don't even want to be selfless (or they have a mix of selflessness and selfishness; sometimes doing things for and caring about others, but mostly looking out for their own happiness and pleasure), so it's quite amazing to actually meet someone who is not living for their own self at every moment of their existence.

I'd like to end this post with a lecture by Srila Gour Govinda Maharaja. It's worth watching even if you randomly skip to any part and listen for just 5-minutes: