Despondency in Krishna Consciousness

Sometimes the odds seem so overwhelming. Sometimes the philosophy of Krishna Consciousness seems so difficult to apply in the "real world". Here we are, conditioned souls, faced with the task of becoming completely selfless and surrendered to Krishna. Sometimes Krishna seems so far away, so unattainable. I remember many a time at Gita-nagari crying in frustration and hopelessness of ever becoming a genuine devotee.

Often during my travels to and from school I'll listen to lectures by HDG Srila Gour Govinda Swami Maharaja. Sometimes they're uplifting, sometimes they're confusing and sometimes it's hard for me to focus on them. But this morning I was listening to a lecture in which he was explaining how Krishna becomes mad for Radharani's love. It all of a sudden struck me: Krishna is a person! Of course not a person like you and I, but a person in the sense of having a personality and being an actual, living being (albeit the Supreme Being and source of all existence!).

I know it may sound like one of those yeah-so-what-you-just-now-realized-that kind of realization, but it was deep and profound. Often we think of Krishna (well, if we even think of Him at all!) as being impersonal, distant, aloof, mythical, imaginary, make-believe, irrelevant, etc. But He's not! He's a real person with thoughts, feelings, emotions, characteristics, etc. and we can relate with Him as a person in a personal relationship! Again, this may sound like, "Yeah...that's kind of the philosophy there, Jayadeva. Where have you been?!" But to actually realize it and reflect on this point is very profound.

Krishna is our dear most friend, our dear most lover, our dear most child, our dear most master. He wants to have a loving, personal relationship with us. And our satisfaction comes from serving Him and increasing His pleasure by making arrangements for Him to experience Radharani's love and personal characteristics.

I was also reflecting on how we experience so much trouble with sex desire here in this material world. This is the greatest pleasure in the material realm. And why is that so? It's because it's a reflection of that madness, that love that Krishna feels for Radharani and that Radharani feels for Krishna. Real love, real prema is so powerful. We experience that perverted reflection here in the material world by our lusty desires towards the opposite sex (or sometimes even the same sex or both sexes). Our minds naturally gravitate towards thoughts of sexually enjoyment when we see a physically attractive person. This attraction is, in principle, the attraction that Krishna feels for Radharani, but in a distorted form. Here we're thinking about our own enjoyment, our own sense gratification, but in the spiritual realm, in Goloka Vrndavan, everyone is thinking of the pleasure of Krishna. Krishna is thinking how to please Radharani and Radharani is thinking how to please Krishna. They are controlled by each other's love.

Sometimes that love, that level of devotion, seems so far away. Here we are struggling with lusty desires and material desires, absorbed in our bodily identification and our selfish, mental meditations. We have no interest in chanting and hearing about Krishna. We have no interest in associating with sadhus or reading the sastras. All we are interested in is squeezing out a little sense gratification and trying to get some material comfort. It's a sad state of affairs.

Anyway, my battery is about to die and I have no outlet nearby, so I'll have to end this reflection here.