When Krishna is Hiding

Sometimes I have those days where I just don't feel Krishna Conscious. I may serve our Deities, listen to a lecture by Srila Gour Govinda Maharaja or to a bhajan and yet I find my mind completely disinterested or distracted. I don't really chant japa all that much anymore, but when I did on a regular, daily basis I would also encounter this mechanical, distracted sort of mind frame. Sometimes we experience a taste for devotional activities and yet at other times we find ourselves struggling to chant or to be in a Krishna Conscious mindset.

There's a wonderful purport in the Bhagavad-gita where Srila Prabhupada likens devotional service in the beginning stages to military service:

"The Lord instructs that one has to become fully Krsna conscious to discharge duties, as if in military discipline. Such an injunction may make things a little difficult; nevertheless duties must be carried out, with dependence on Krsna, because that is the constitutional position of the living entity." (BG 3.30)

So in other words, we have to practice vaidhi-bhakti by following the regulative principles and our initiation vows even though we might not want to! So much easier said than done. It's so easy to be captured by maya and to become lazy and to find so many excuses.

Obviously living outside of the temple there are so many more obligations and duties that aren't directly related to devotional service. So it makes it a little more difficult to maintain a strict sadhana. But at least something should be done, right? I feel like at least we have our Deities which provide me a daily seva, but there's still a sense of lacking. I know I should really chant japa more often, but it's hard to find the motivation. Like I said above, even when I was chanting on a daily basis while living in the temple I had those moments where there was no taste and no interest. There were those days where it didn't seem to matter if I chanted or not, because my consciousness and my heart weren't transforming. Did I lose faith in chanting?

I don't know what it is, but I just feel very empty today. It feels like a slight depression, like I have no motivation or interest for anything. I just feel like sleeping. Anyway, I have to keep moving. On to my next class for the next five hours and then the hour drive home. I just feel so tired.

Looking for Krishna

I've had this idea for a blog entry for the past couple of months now (and it's this event that was one of the reasons I actually wanted to start a devotional blog). One time when I logged out of MySpace I saw the below screen:


I thought it was a humorous reminder of Krishna's presence: "Looking for Krishna?" Krishna is everywhere and in all circumstances and experiences. Curious to see what I would find by searching for Krishna through that link, one of the things I found was this:


Hare Krishna reading glasses? I like the line, "As you chant everything becomes perfect and clear"! Hah! Such irony all in one moment from logging out of MySpace.

This event made me start to reflect on how Krishna is always present with us, it's just that we're not always with Krishna. In other words, just because we're not conscious of Krishna's presence doesn't mean that He stops existing. His existence and omnipresence is independent of our realization of it.

It's so easy to forget about Krishna. There's so many ways to do it and it comes so naturally to us as conditioned souls. Television, sex, intoxication, pornography, shopping, work, school, video games, music, books, movies, gossip, physical health, bodily comfort, sports, hobbies, etc. The list could go on and on and become more and more specific and detailed according to our particular personalities and dispositions. The point is we've all found ways to become fully absorbed in the illusion that we are these material bodies and material personalities.

Through the gradual process of conditioning from the point of our birth we've assimilated our selves into the material, physical world. A baby has to learn how to be in this physical body again; how it moves, how to control it, what is pleasurable, what is painful, etc. By the time we're small children it's all over - we believe ourselves to be this physical body and mind. And not only are we fighting the conditioning from this life, but the conditioning from the many millions of births we've already taken.

Just like Pavlov's dog we are conditioned to respond to the sensory stimulus around us. We are driven by our senses and our mind, unaware and unconscious of our eternal, spiritual nature and unaware of Krishna's presence. How unfortunate we've become! Yet because of our conditioning we stay comfortable in our ignorance, comfortable in our suffering, because it's all we know and we accept it as real because our material senses tell us it is.

As aspiring Vaishnava's we must cultivate the practice of looking for Krishna everywhere and in everything. Not just the good things, but even the bad. It takes moments of quietude and reflection to feel this presence. It takes a settling in to the now, to the moment. When the mind becomes still and the past and future fall away, in that space we can see Krishna smiling. As we become more and more receptive to Krishna's presence, He reaches out to us through the material energy (just as recently happened to my wife when He gave her one of Prabhupada's books in the most unusual and unexpected of ways). There are those events that cannot be taken as coincidence or accident.

One time, while in the post office waiting in line, I looked down on the floor and saw a picture of Sri Nathaji starring back at me! It was a small, little card with a picture of Sri Nathaji on it. What were the odds? Sometimes Krishna even speaks through people in our environment, even though they're not devotees. The fact is, and this is the point I'm trying to make, is that Krishna is EVERYWHERE and AT ALL TIMES! He simply hides from us, because it's our desire to try and enjoy separately from Him. We want the distractions, we want the maya, because it gives us some sense of happiness and pleasure. We're ignorant to the true happiness, bliss and peace that comes from constantly being in touch with Krishna.

Gurudeva, without your mercy I fear that I will remain in my conditioned state. I fear I will forever be addicted to sense gratification. Krishna's illusory energy is so powerful that I don't know how to overcome it. It's only by your causeless mercy that I will have any chance of becoming free from my bodily identification and desires for sense gratification. I cannot keep my mind fixed on Krishna and therefore I fall into the duality of happiness and distress in this material world. How will I ever come to the state of seeing Krishna always and everywhere in every situation and every circumstance? It is only through your mercy, Gurudeva. Please give me your mercy so that I may have some hope on this path of devotional service.

The Great Harinama Sankirtan Debate

Well, it's not really a debate, because I'm not disagreeing that harinama sankirtan is an important form of preaching and spreading Krishna Consciousness. After all, chanting the Holy Name is the yuga-dharma and Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu Himself propagated love of God through sankirtan.I guess the "debate" becomes: are there other valid and bona fide ways of preaching and sharing Krishna Consciousness with others? Just based on the results that my beloved Guru Maharaja gained, I would unequivocally agree that it's completely possible to bring jivas to the path of bhakti via other avenues of preaching than just harinama sankirtan and book distribution.

The first step in effective preaching is rapport. When someone trusts us they become comfortable with us. When they become comfortable with us they become more receptive to our thoughts, ideas and beliefs. When that kind of field is created, there is a conducive environment for Krishna Consciousness to be planted and cultivated. That kind of rapport begins by us just being decent, humble and kind humans. There's a certain calm and peace that people can perceive by being around devotees.

Anyway, it could be said that maybe I'm making this all too complex and abstract, but for me it's just a natural way of thinking and being. It could also be said that maybe I'm just trying to find ways to justify my lack of direct preaching through harinama sankirtan and book distribution, but I don't feel that's a fair assessment. I would gladly do these things if the opportunity presented itself.

In reality, there can't be effective preaching without effective sadhana. And I don't claim to be fixed in my sadhana at all. So for me, I really don't even consider pro-active preaching activities. I don't feel fixed enough in my own sadhana and my own consciousness to be trying to persuade or convince others that they should practice devotional service. I'm more of an accidental preacher.

The Trolley Preacher

Thursday morning I had to park at the East campus parking lot at Kean, because the main lot was full. When you do this you have two choices: walk a long distance to the main campus or wait for a trolley/shuttle to drive you there. Having once walked and experiencing first hand the misery of the trek, I decided to wait for the shuttle. The first five minutes of the shuttle were uneventful. Students chatting, some sitting in silence, starring out the window. Then all of a sudden a black, West African woman starting talking really loud.

At first I thought she was talking on her phone, but then I realized she didn't have a phone, nor one of those wireless earpieces. And then I finally could understand what she was talking about: how Jesus is our salvation and the only way to God. She started talking louder and louder and becoming more passionate and fiery. You could feel a collective uneasiness and tension on the trolley. Some people just fazed her out and continued talking to their friends. I sat there starring at her and listening to what she was saying. It was the same old born again type of rhetoric and propaganda. At one point I wanted to say: "So then all of the Muslims, Jews and Hindus are going to hell? What kind of God is that?" But I couldn't do it.

And then it got me thinking: why can't I have that kind of passion for telling others about Krishna? Sure, preaching on a trolley by loudly telling everyone, "Krishna loves you! You're not your material body! You're an eternal spirit soul! You're just serving your senses and becoming more and more entangled in the cycle of birth and death! Give up your selfish, material desires and just serve Krishna!" I would probably look like a loon and no one would take me seriously. So obviously it's not the most effective form of preaching or sharing Krishna Consciousness, but I had to appreciate this woman's conviction, devotion and passion.

Perhaps the problem is that I don't have that kind of conviction? Perhaps I don't feel that sense of urgency to share Krishna with others because I myself am not fully convinced of the process? I don't know. I don't feel like that much of a doubtful, faithless agnostic, but maybe there's some connection as to why I don't feel the need to actively "preach". One of my dear god brothers said to me, "What is preaching? What does that even mean anymore?" when I had told him of a dream I had in which we were preaching together. And it's a good question. What is preaching in this 21st century?

Do we really need to go out into the streets performing kirtan and distributing books? Is that even the most effective way to share Krishna Consciousness with others? Or does it make us look like the trolley preacher, loudly proclaiming the glory of God, but everyone looking at us like we're crazy and unable to relate to practical reality? Is it better to "preach" as a devotee just by being a decent, humble and service oriented person? And then if people become receptive we then share deeper aspects of Krishna Conscious philosophy and practice? To me that seems the more effective way of going rather than stirring up people's collective consciousness stereotypes of the Hare Krishna's as fanatical, robed cult members who pass out roses in airports.

Perhaps that way of preaching, i.e. - the preaching style and method of the late 60's, 70's and 80's was also related to desa-kala-patra or time, place and circumstance. In other words, what worked then won't necessarily work now. Can't we adapt our methods of sharing Krishna Consciousness without diluting or altering the essential principles and message? I believe we can and I believe it's inevitable that we constantly have to come up with creative ways of sharing Krishna Consciousness. Being in the line of my beloved Guru Maharaja, HH Bhakti Tirtha Swami Maharaja, he was all about the spiritual espionage; finding unconventional and "sneaky" ways of getting others to accept and practice bhakti-yoga. How glorious is this kind of preaching.

I feel that as devotees we have a duty to share Krishna with others. In a sense we have to "pay it forward" (I hate that term, but it's applicable and necessary). We have to give back what Srila Prabhupada gave to us. He went through so much austerity and inconvenience (from a material perspective) to bring us Krishna. How can we ignore or deny it? How can we be so callous and hard-hearted that we don't care or bother to carry on his legacy? We all just have to find our own little way of spreading Krishna Consciousness, just as the tiny spiders and chipmunks were tossing their tiny stones into the bridge that Sri Ramacandra built to Lanka. We have to make that kind of humble offering.

I'm sure I won't stand up on the trolley next week and start belting out the prayers to the Six Goswamis, but perhaps I can be more conscious of the opportunities to share with others the benefits of vegetarianism, yoga, restraint from intoxication, the need for spiritual awareness, etc. And of course the more conviction and faith I develop in the process of Krishna Consciousness the more I will be enthused and able to share it, thereby pleasing my Guru Maharaja, Srila Prabhupada and ultimately Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu.

Attack of the Migraines

This past Friday I suffered a terrible migraine. I always see flashing, sparkling lights in the form of blindspots before the actual migraine itself kicks in. Once I see the lights I know bad things are ahead. I'll generally lay down and upon waking up will have a terrible, stabbing headache and intense nauseau, so much so that it usually makes me throw up.

Even just talking about it now is making me feel anxious. I feel like I'm living with the fear of not knowing when or where it will strike again. And there's nothing I can do about it. Total lack of control. I've tried to find triggers in the past, but everytime I think I've found what triggers it and I avoid that thing, I still get another migraine. I currently think it's when I have too many late nights and early mornings in a row and over an extended period of time (which is pretty much how this entire semester is going to be!). I actually told myself that after this last attack I would go to the doctor, but that creates even more anxiety, because many of the anti-migraine medications have a long list of side effects and rare (but possible) serious side effects, such as heart attacks and not enough blood to the heart, etc. Although I guess a heart attack would be the ultimate solution to a migraine!

I don't know. I hate living in this fear and anxiety. I feel like I haven't been myself the past few days since it happened. I feel so depressed and morose, like there's no hope and no solution to this problem. It's also making me feel very edgy and short tempered.

I know this is a test from Guru and Krishna. Are we only Krishna Conscious when everything is going "good" and going our way? Or do we fold and lose our faith when our material circumstances become difficult or adverse? I admit to having a tendency to want to run to sense gratification whenever I'm suffering in some way. I think we all do. It's human instinct and nature to seek pleasure and avoid pain.

Now more than ever I am realizing that I am in Guru and Krishna's hands. The lack of control I have over my migraines is forcing me to surrender to whatever Krishna desires. It's Krishna's will. No material solution, i.e. - migraine medication, is going to work if Krishna doesn't allow it. Why do we foolishly search for temporary, material solutions to our problems? Of course we have to take care of the physical body, but not at the expense of our devotional, Krishna consciousness. But when avoiding pain and trying to find solutions to our material discomfort become our primary focus and the center of our consciousness, then we lose our self to the illusion of bodily concerns and identification.

I take a deep breath. The anxiety is still oppressive and hanging over me. I feel like I just want to lay down. After all, when you're unconcious things are so much easier to deal with! What I really need to do is steer my focus elsewhere. I need to stop thinking about my body and stop worrying about how I'm going to solve the migraine problem. I need to stay absorbed in the now, absorbed in Krishna's presence.

Despondency in Krishna Consciousness

Sometimes the odds seem so overwhelming. Sometimes the philosophy of Krishna Consciousness seems so difficult to apply in the "real world". Here we are, conditioned souls, faced with the task of becoming completely selfless and surrendered to Krishna. Sometimes Krishna seems so far away, so unattainable. I remember many a time at Gita-nagari crying in frustration and hopelessness of ever becoming a genuine devotee.

Often during my travels to and from school I'll listen to lectures by HDG Srila Gour Govinda Swami Maharaja. Sometimes they're uplifting, sometimes they're confusing and sometimes it's hard for me to focus on them. But this morning I was listening to a lecture in which he was explaining how Krishna becomes mad for Radharani's love. It all of a sudden struck me: Krishna is a person! Of course not a person like you and I, but a person in the sense of having a personality and being an actual, living being (albeit the Supreme Being and source of all existence!).

I know it may sound like one of those yeah-so-what-you-just-now-realized-that kind of realization, but it was deep and profound. Often we think of Krishna (well, if we even think of Him at all!) as being impersonal, distant, aloof, mythical, imaginary, make-believe, irrelevant, etc. But He's not! He's a real person with thoughts, feelings, emotions, characteristics, etc. and we can relate with Him as a person in a personal relationship! Again, this may sound like, "Yeah...that's kind of the philosophy there, Jayadeva. Where have you been?!" But to actually realize it and reflect on this point is very profound.

Krishna is our dear most friend, our dear most lover, our dear most child, our dear most master. He wants to have a loving, personal relationship with us. And our satisfaction comes from serving Him and increasing His pleasure by making arrangements for Him to experience Radharani's love and personal characteristics.

I was also reflecting on how we experience so much trouble with sex desire here in this material world. This is the greatest pleasure in the material realm. And why is that so? It's because it's a reflection of that madness, that love that Krishna feels for Radharani and that Radharani feels for Krishna. Real love, real prema is so powerful. We experience that perverted reflection here in the material world by our lusty desires towards the opposite sex (or sometimes even the same sex or both sexes). Our minds naturally gravitate towards thoughts of sexually enjoyment when we see a physically attractive person. This attraction is, in principle, the attraction that Krishna feels for Radharani, but in a distorted form. Here we're thinking about our own enjoyment, our own sense gratification, but in the spiritual realm, in Goloka Vrndavan, everyone is thinking of the pleasure of Krishna. Krishna is thinking how to please Radharani and Radharani is thinking how to please Krishna. They are controlled by each other's love.

Sometimes that love, that level of devotion, seems so far away. Here we are struggling with lusty desires and material desires, absorbed in our bodily identification and our selfish, mental meditations. We have no interest in chanting and hearing about Krishna. We have no interest in associating with sadhus or reading the sastras. All we are interested in is squeezing out a little sense gratification and trying to get some material comfort. It's a sad state of affairs.

Anyway, my battery is about to die and I have no outlet nearby, so I'll have to end this reflection here.