Attack of the Migraines

This past Friday I suffered a terrible migraine. I always see flashing, sparkling lights in the form of blindspots before the actual migraine itself kicks in. Once I see the lights I know bad things are ahead. I'll generally lay down and upon waking up will have a terrible, stabbing headache and intense nauseau, so much so that it usually makes me throw up.

Even just talking about it now is making me feel anxious. I feel like I'm living with the fear of not knowing when or where it will strike again. And there's nothing I can do about it. Total lack of control. I've tried to find triggers in the past, but everytime I think I've found what triggers it and I avoid that thing, I still get another migraine. I currently think it's when I have too many late nights and early mornings in a row and over an extended period of time (which is pretty much how this entire semester is going to be!). I actually told myself that after this last attack I would go to the doctor, but that creates even more anxiety, because many of the anti-migraine medications have a long list of side effects and rare (but possible) serious side effects, such as heart attacks and not enough blood to the heart, etc. Although I guess a heart attack would be the ultimate solution to a migraine!

I don't know. I hate living in this fear and anxiety. I feel like I haven't been myself the past few days since it happened. I feel so depressed and morose, like there's no hope and no solution to this problem. It's also making me feel very edgy and short tempered.

I know this is a test from Guru and Krishna. Are we only Krishna Conscious when everything is going "good" and going our way? Or do we fold and lose our faith when our material circumstances become difficult or adverse? I admit to having a tendency to want to run to sense gratification whenever I'm suffering in some way. I think we all do. It's human instinct and nature to seek pleasure and avoid pain.

Now more than ever I am realizing that I am in Guru and Krishna's hands. The lack of control I have over my migraines is forcing me to surrender to whatever Krishna desires. It's Krishna's will. No material solution, i.e. - migraine medication, is going to work if Krishna doesn't allow it. Why do we foolishly search for temporary, material solutions to our problems? Of course we have to take care of the physical body, but not at the expense of our devotional, Krishna consciousness. But when avoiding pain and trying to find solutions to our material discomfort become our primary focus and the center of our consciousness, then we lose our self to the illusion of bodily concerns and identification.

I take a deep breath. The anxiety is still oppressive and hanging over me. I feel like I just want to lay down. After all, when you're unconcious things are so much easier to deal with! What I really need to do is steer my focus elsewhere. I need to stop thinking about my body and stop worrying about how I'm going to solve the migraine problem. I need to stay absorbed in the now, absorbed in Krishna's presence.