This Side or That

We spend so much time in the external, material energy of God (Sri Krishna) that the internal world becomes something of an imaginary prospect. The concrete world that I perceive with my material senses is infinitely more real to me than Vaikuntha or Goloka Vrindavan. It's ironic that this temporary, ephemeral material world seems more real to me than that internal world which is eternal and unchanging.

How we spend our time affects how we perceive reality. If we spend all of our time absorbed in the external, material energy then we will identify with it and become caught up in all of its changes, transformations and complexities. We will become completely convinced that we are these material, physical bodies and subtle minds. We will become convinced that we are the temporary personality that we currently happen to be. In other words, we will be in total, complete ignorance about our real identity as spiritual energy, spiritual beings.

Conversely, if we spend our time absorbed in the internal energy (through associating with and serving advanced, realized souls, hearing from them and the sastras (Vedic scriptures), chanting the Holy Name, etc.) then we will come closer to that side of reality and begin to experience those higher truths.

I've experienced both sides of this coin. I've lived in the temple/ashram as a celibate monk, fully absorbed in Krishna Conscious/devotional/spiritual activities and I've also moved out of the ashram and gone full force back into the external, material energy and the world of sense gratification. Each world has its own peculiar set of good and bad, happiness and struggles.

I was never truly happy when I moved out of the ashram. There was always a sense of discontent and of wasting my time in activities that had no meaning or purpose. At the same time, living in the ashram was becoming boring and mechanical. My Guru Maharaja once told me that I was something like a ghost, caught inbetween two worlds, not fully committing to either side. This is my plight even up to the present day.

Is this not the nature of human consciousness? Sometimes moving towards the non-material, spiritual side of things and at other times gravitating towards sense gratification? The spiritualist is engaged in a constant struggle against their lower nature and desires. Being absorbed in the material we cultivate a material consciousness full of self-centered ideas and goals. Being absorbed in the spiritual we cultivate selflessness, service and devotional ecstasy. The latter moves us closer to realizing our true, eternal identity in relationship with the Divine Source of all existence.

If I step back from my existence and look at it from an objective view point I can see just how much time I waste. The mind enjoys habit and being pleasure seeking we fall into patterns and routines that afford us the most amount of "instant gratification". I find myself wandering on the internet, going on eBay or Facebook or some comic book website and searching for some kind of enjoyment. But all of these things are simply reinforcing my illusion that I am my body and that I'll be here forever. Why don't I instead use my time to cultivate the internal, spiritual, eternal side of my existence?

I find no motivation, no enthusiasm to pursue that side of things. I know it's important, I know I'm going to die and yet the urgency is lacking. I am completely covered by illusion, completely covered over by this material energy.

That spiritual, internal, eternal side of existence will forever remain hidden from me if I continue on identifying with the material and pursuing sense gratification. But the attachment and material identification are so strong and difficult to break. There's no way we can do it alone or by our own power. This is the wonder of the mercy of Sri Guru/Sri Nityananda Prabu. Through their causeless mercy we are brought up into that higher quarter, even though we are so unqualified and contaminated.

I pray to Sri Nityananda Prabhu to never give up on me and to forcibly push me towards the internal world. In Kali-yuga we have no other recourse and no other hope.

Agnostic Halavah (A Follow Up Story)

Okay, so it seems my last post about developing agnostic attitudes towards Krishna Consciousness (and religion in general) has caused quite a ruckus. Personally I don't care about how I may be perceived from what I wrote. I really don't care if other devotees think I've "blooped" or I'm "in maya" or even if they think I'm smoking weed and drinking beer, but I think it's important to clarify a few things:

1. I'm not saying Krishna (God) is not real. As I said at the end of the other post, I believe and have faith that there is something higher, something more than just this material existence that we are currently perceiving with our physical senses. I've personally experienced higher states of consciousness and awareness (in a non-drug related way) that have proven this fact to me. My contention in the previous post was that, "What impact or difference does this Higher Being have on my daily reality?" In other words, if I take the time to chant and pray and study the sastras for hours and hours everyday, how does it practically change my reality? Sure, reality is nothing more than our consciousness, but staying in the lofty ideals of Krishna Consciousness seems at times to be quite an impossible feat. How can I be completely absorbed in Krishna's pastimes with the gopas and gopis while I'm dealing with the reality of my day-to-day responsibilities and duties? I've tried to do that and it just doesn't work.

2. I'm not against Krishna Consciousness or trying to convince others that it doesn't work. All I'm saying is: IT'S NOT WORKING FOR ME. At least at this particular time it isn't doing much for me. And my point in making the previous post was to open up this kind of discussion. I think a vast majority of devotees have felt these feelings of doubt or lack of faith or whatever, but no one wants to say anything publicly for fear of being ostricized or looked down upon. After all, if you say to your self, "I don't know if I really believe all of this stuff" then you're left exposed and confronting the possibility that "Hey, maybe I'm not really a devotee...or at least not as advanced as I'd like to think...or not as advanced as I'd like OTHERS to think." There are many examples of stalwart Vaishnavas throughout the ages that have attained the perfection of bhakti-yoga. I'm not discredting their accomplishments or trying to say it's all make believe. They've attained something very rare, lofty and priceless, but it's something that remains inaccesible and mysterious to me.

3. All I was trying to express in my previous post is that sometimes I have doubts. Like I said, I wish more devotees would open up and talk about these things in public. Why do we have to be ashamed to say, "Yeah, sometimes I find japa to be really boring" or "I really just like hanging out, eating and talking prajalpa at the Sunday Feast"? It's like no one wants to be frank because they don't want other devotees to see them in a bad light. It's like we need to keep up this facade that we don't have any problems or like we never struggle. I don't get that. It's like when we only post pictures of our self on Facebook that we think are flattering. Why don't we ever post the ugly pictures?

So anyway, I just felt like that previous post needed this follow up. I'm not blooping anytime soon. I already did that back in 2002. It was fun for what it was, but in the end it left me feeling depressed, empty and lost. I know there's no true, lasting joy in this temporary, material world, but at the same time I've yet to find true, lasting joy on the path of devotional service. So I'll continue on with my mixed-devotion, sometimes watching Project Runway and sometimes watching Srila Prabhupada lectures, all the while praying to Sri Nityananda Prabhu to somehow or other bring me to that perfection which seems so despairingly unattainable.

Agnostic with a Side of Fries?

I look back at my time living in the ashram as a brahmacari and I think to myself, "Did I ever really, truly believe in what I was doing?" I wonder how I was ever so "fired up" and enthusiastic about Krishna Consciousness and devotional service that I once went on a one-man harinama in downtown Detroit (at a barbecue food tasting event, no less!). That person, and that consciousness, seem so foreign to me now. What was it at the time that made me so sincere, focused and determined?

It feels like time and my experiences in Krishna Consciousness have left me jaded. I've become pessimistic, doubtful and negative. I see others writing about or talking about Krishna Consciousness and it seems so contrived and dogmatic. We simply repeat the things that we've heard and read, but are we really experiencing, seeing, talking to and interacting with Krishna (God) face-to-face? I find it hard to believe. I also find it hard to believe that others who are speaking about Krishna or performing kirtan, etc. are not struggling with some kind of selfish desires or who are not still interested in sense gratification to some degree.

I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm sure there are very advanced (and rare) devotees who have given up all selfish pursuits and desires. But even hearing from and associating with them, I still have to wonder, "How do you know this is all true?" Someone may give up selfish sense gratification and completely dedicate themselves to devotional service. They may have intense faith that Krishna is real, that Goloka Vrindavan is real, etc., but they still may not have directly experienced it. It's all based on faith. We can say, "Srila Prabhupada and the Acaryas have said all of these things, therefore they must all be true and real!", but again, it's all based on faith.

Perhaps that is my biggest problem: a lack of faith. It's hard to believe in something when you can't experience it. I sometimes wonder if other devotees struggle with this issue or not. It seems like they don't...or maybe everyone just hides it. I go to the temple or festivals and everyone seems so happy and blissful. They're dancing and chanting and talking about devotional activities. I see them and think, "Do they ever wonder if Krishna is real? Do they ever have more interest in sense gratification than devotional service?"

What is it that makes us, as individuals, stay on the path of bhakti? Is it the social/community aspect? Is it the food/prasadam? Is it the ability to gain prestige and notariety from our knowledge of sastras? Is it because we like the clothing and cultural aspects? Is it because we like to perform rituals and fire yajnas? Somehow we must be getting some kind of taste to go on calling our self a "devotee".

These days I wonder if I could even be considered a "devotee" in the true sense of the word. I don't chant japa, I rarely study/read the sastras, I rarely attend devotional functions, I barely worship our Deities and I only sometimes listen to lectures. When I hear about 24-hour kirtan programs or some kind of festival I don't get excited. On the contrary I think, "Ugh. I really don't want to drive all the way out to that and then sit there for hours. Then I'll run in to devotees from the past and say the obligatory "Jaya! Haribol!" and then have nothing else to say."

I just don't know where my fire has gone. I feel like I'm losing interest in the process all together. I see so much mixed devotion going on all over the place that it sometimes feels like maybe everyone is just lying to themselves. Then I feel despair, as it only reinforces my own personal experiences. I see that I'm not the only one pretending.

The dogmatic answer here would be that I need to associate with higher, more advanced devotees. Well, I did that for quite some time and it never made me enthused, nor gave me prema. In fact, it made me more depressed that I couldn't live up to the highest ideals of Krishna Consciousness. It made me realize there was no joy in selfless service, rather there was only anxiety, frustration and resentment. It made me realize how selfish and self-centered I truly am and how I'm more attached to sense gratification than devotional service. It didn't make me want to do more devotional service, rather it made me want to run away from it.

I feel myself falling into some sort of agnostic state of mind, where the existence of God has no bearing on my existence. If He's there, cool. If He's not, cool. I'm sure there's something higher and something greater than just this material existence we're perceiving with our senses, but it's just getting so hard to care about it and its impact on my day-to-day reality.

Krishna in the Heart Will Always Guide Us

I was sitting here reading a PDF version of "Heart and Halo" (a collection of discoures given by His Divine Grace Srila B.R. Sridhar Maharaja) and just came across this paragraph:

"The day in which we do not find any saint, or have any discussion about the real purpose of life, the inner life, the inner substance, that day we are the loser. Be conscious of that. In all respects, in any way possible, mind your own lesson, mind your own interest, find your own self. Be unmindful towards the external world and circumstances and dive deep into the reality, the inner world. Find your inner self and the inner world where you live, where your inner self is living. Try to find your Home, to go back to God, back to Home. Your energy must be utilized for going Home, and not for wandering in the other land, the land of death. Try to avoid the land of death at any cost; always try to find the eternal soil, that soil to which you belong. Try to understand what is your Home and why it is your Home. Home comfort: what does it mean? It means our birth-place – the place where we are born."

After what I posted last night regarding the topic of death, I found this to be quite pertinent and a direct message from Krishna sitting within my heart.

Death Is Our Foundation

My reflections inevitably always come back to death. After all, how can we ignore the fact that everything we're experiencing right now (from our body, to our mind, to our favorite sensory enjoyment) is all temporary? Yet somehow we go on living each day like death will never come.

The other evening I was out taking my daughter for a walk. I could see giant, flat screen TVs in almost every window that we passed. I saw people pulling into their parking spots and dredging into their homes, most likely coming home from a long day of work. It got me thinking about how, as human beings, we waste so much time doing absolutely nothing of importance or meaning. We wake up, get ready for work, work all day, drive home and watch TV. Some people crack open a beer or drink a glass or wine to dull the harsh reality of living a repetitive, unfulfilling life, just to get by and make it through to the next day.

Then I thought to myself, "But if this is considered "wasting time", then how should human beings be spending their time? What is really important and meaningful?" The reply that came into my mind was "spiritual pursuits". Well, what does that even mean? Praying? Reading scriptures? Talking about God and the soul with others? Sure, maybe all of those things. Somehow, some way, directing our thoughts and consciousness towards our life beyond this material reality that we're experiencing.

Maybe it's because we never think about dying that we don't consider spiritual life or spiritual pursuits important. Unfortunately, just because we ignore it, the reality of death won't go away. Our physical body is born to die. It's dying at every moment. Every day we take another step towards its demise. And yet how do we spend our time preparing for that moment?

There are of course many schools of thought about what happens after death. It takes faith to accept any one of them, because really we can't verify any of the claims. All we know for certain is that death is inevitable and that this life is temporary. That should be enough to push us towards trying to find out some kind of answers...but ironically we end up going on with our daily life and concerns like we'll be here forever.

On the Downswing of Krishna Consciousness

I was just thinking today, "I really seem to be on a downswing in my Krishna Consciousness." For the past week or so I've just been really complacent about my spiritual life. I remembered blogging about this feeling sometime back and just now re-read those posts. They pretty much capture the same feeling that I'm having right now.

Sometimes religion and spirituality just seem like such a big waste of time. The problem is that the spiritual side of our existence is so subtle and so vastly different from the physical, material, sensory world in which we are used to living that it seems so unreal and imaginary.

The battle with our mind and senses is an ongoing struggle that seems to have no end. We are constantly torn between our material and spiritual natures. We have some attraction towards God, devotion, the soul and following a spiritual path, yet at the same time we still want to watch TV, eat at restaurants, have sex and get intoxicated.

This is precisely why so many people give up the spiritual path(s), because they find a sense of hypocrisy or of not living up to the standards. It's like struggling and struggling to swim against the current before you just say, "Ah, fu*k it!" and letting your self be swept away down stream.

It's a fact that living in maya is so much easier than strictly following the process of Krishna Consciousness (or any genuine, spiritual path). As Srila Prabhupada once said (I believe) that taking up Krishna Consciousness is like declaring war on maya. It's a fight. It's a struggle. Even in those religions where so-called "works" are frowned upon, you still have to make an effort to be a sincere follower. It's not just saying, "I believe in God" that makes you a saint. It's also your thoughts and actions.

I've been riding the edge of mixed-devotion for so long that I don't even know if I'll ever get to the higher stages of bhakti-yoga in this lifetime. My consciousness is just too polluted, my desire for Krishna too weak and my mind too strong.

I look at others who appear to be fixed up in Krishna Consiousness. They look so happy, so care-free. I wonder how they can be so "fired up". Then I realize that many of them have no other obligations. They're not married, they don't have kids, they don't have jobs, they don't go to school, they don't pay bills, they don't have credit cards, they don't have debt, etc. Then I think back to my brahmacari days and remember how simple and joyful my life was. Of course the external circumstances (varna-ashrama) don't guarantee that you'll become a pure devotee or attain Krishna prema.

So does that mean Krishna Consciousness is impossible to strictly follow if you don't live in a temple and have no other obligations? I wouldn't say impossible, but definitely more difficult. It would be like trying to swim upstream with sand bags tied to your arms and legs.

I don't regret any of the choices I've made in this life. At this point in time I'm simply playing out my destined karma. As the old saying goes, I can't change my circumstances, but I can change how I respond to them. It's all a matter of changing consciousness, changing perspective, to see things from a higher view point. No matter what circumstances we're in we have to try and find the Krishna factor.

When I moved out of the temple my Guru Maharaja said to me that I "enjoy the roller coaster ride" and that now I would have an opportunity to experience it. I guess it's inevitable on a roller coaster to experience these lows. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a new high. Perhaps one day I'll stop wasting time and just get off the ride.

Ice Cream is Maya: Fanaticism or Pure Devotion?

The below video is a “song” I made by taking a clip from one of Srila Prabhupada’s lectures in which an ice cream truck drives by while he's speaking. Srila Prabhupada instructs the devotees that they shouldn’t take such ice cream and then half-jokingly states that the canvassing of the ice cream truck with its music is similar to how maya works. Maya entices us with some sort of sensory stimulation, promising pleasure and happiness, only to leave us once again empty handed and feeling unhappy.



My video can be taken in different ways. Some devotees may see it as offensive, as if I am making light of Prabhupada’s instruction to not eat unoffered/un-offerable ice cream. It could be as if I am saying, “Yeah, right…if I eat ice cream I’m going to go to hell! Puh-leeeze!” Someone even wrote me and said it is offensive to the devotees that regularly offer ice cream to Krishna, indirectly implying that they are in maya.

I should clarify that my intention is not to mock or make a joke of this instruction, nor to call out devotees as being in maya. What I’m more interested in is bringing attention to our reactions to this video and Srila Prabhupada’s words.

Some of us may in fact take it to be out-dated and out of context for today’s devotional climate. We, as a devotional society, seem to have moved to the opposite end of those early days in ISKCON. There seems to be more laxity in following the regs, cynicism, doubt and lack of respect for authority. After all, how could we not feel that way after seeing so many exemplary devotees fall down or become entrapped by the false ego and prestige?

This move towards rejecting/doubting authority and picking and choosing what instructions to follow has pushed us to the brink of becoming mundane religionists: we are basically materialistic people that sometimes go to the temple or sometimes do something spiritual or devotional. We drink our coffee and watch our TV shows, because we think that NOT doing these things would simply be fanatical and only for the sannyasis. In the name of avoiding fanaticism we have become “watered down” devotionally; our devotion has become mixed with all kinds of other desires for personal sense gratification.

Many of us may think, “What’s the big deal if I get a fudge pop from an ice cream truck? What’s the big deal if I drink a latte from Starbucks? What’s the big deal if I go to the movies? What’s the big deal if I watch a TV show? What’s the big deal if I look at pornography? What’s the big deal if I eat at a vegetarian restaurant? What’s the big deal if I play videogames? What’s the big deal if I listen to non-devotional music? What’s the big deal if I go to concerts?” We think it’s too extreme and fanatical to follow the devotional path so strictly. But is it really fanaticism? Or is it just following the process strictly and properly? We know in the Bhakti Rasamrta Sindhu that there are many things we should do and should not do in order to make spiritual advancement on the path of bhakti. There are certain things to be avoided and one of those is not eating things that are not first offered to Krishna. But so many devotees nowadays eat so-called “karmi grains” and even eat out at restaurants on a regular basis, eating only for the pleasure of the tongue.

Does offering up our store-bought Breyers ice cream to Krishna make it okay? Does it make it okay because “a lot of devotees do it”? Not necessarily. We have to look at the intention behind it. Do we offer things to Krishna with the intention that we simply want to enjoy it? If so, the offering becomes a meaningless, empty ritual. As we know God is not in need of anything. He wants our devotion. Lusting after ice cream, buying it from the store and then “offering” it doesn’t really purify it. Krishna doesn’t accept such offerings. We’re still doing it for our personal sense gratification, which is not bhakti, it’s maya.

I don’t claim to be a saint. I eat tons of bhoga, never chant my rounds, watch TV and movies and engage in all other sorts of mundane activities devoid of Krishna Consciousness. The trend I’m seeing is that many devotees outside of the temples are adopting this sort of lifestyle and view. We have to be constantly aware that this is not bhakti, this is not pure devotional service. Strictly following the process leads to pure devotion. It leads to becoming detached from sense gratification/selfish pursuits and ultimately leads to Krishna prema and direct experience/relationship with God. Strictly following means we follow everything that Srila Prabhupada and the previous acaryas have instructed. That means on top of the 4 regulative principles no eating at restaurants, no bhoga, no “karmi grains”, no coffee, no tea, no television, no movies, no prajalpa, etc. (Sure, some devotees may say they watch TV and movies in order for “preaching” purposes and to stay current, which I don’t deny is possible, but unless one is on the transcendental platform those things can still affect one’s consciousness, even if only on a subtle level).

Many of us would look at a devotee who is following that strictly as being “fanatical” and “out of touch”. In reality they are simply following the process as it ought to be followed with 100% dedication and surrender! (As Srila Prabhupada would say “cent percent”.) It’s a lofty ideal indeed. I know at this point in my life and in my consciousness I would not be able to live such a devoted and strict lifestyle. It’s not a cheap and easy thing to do. And because I am not 100% strictly following the process I am in a very precarious situation. It opens the door to doubts, lack of faith, lack of taste, lack of enthusiasm and lack of interest in the process of devotional service. If we are not taking full shelter at the lotus feet of Sri Guru then we are open and susceptible to the allurements of maya (like an ice cream cone from an ice cream truck!). It’s like only half standing under an umbrella in a rainstorm.

So how do you react when you hear Srila Prabhupada say that eating ice cream from an ice cream truck is maya? Do you become defensive? Do you think it’s fanatical? Do you think it’s impractical? Do you think it’s only for sannyasis? Do you think, “I don’t eat that stuff anyway”? Do you realize you’re simply in maya and that you have a lot of material attachments (one of which includes eating a lot of ice cream!)? Our reactions (or lack thereof) say a lot about the state of our consciousness.