American Idol...Worship

I've got a lot of things on my mind and I don't know how to put them all into a cohesive post. As I'm constantly in a state of self-reflection, I often look at my beliefs from an outside perspective. I wonder how my beliefs and values appear to other people.

One of the things I sometimes ponder is the process of archana or worship of the archa-vigraha (Deity) form of God. The word "deity" has such a negative connotation that I wonder why so many Gaudiya-Vaishnava practitioners still use it. Using the word "deity" invokes mental images of cultish people dancing around and worshipping golden cow statues. Especially considered from a Christian perspective the idea of "deity worship" seems like a blatantly sinful activity, as deemed so in the Bible. Of course we know the purport of that commandment means that one should not worship ANYTHING before God; that means even putting money or sex or power before God. It doesn't just mean not worshipping statues.

So what if that statue itself IS God? Well, that's where Gaudiya-Vaishnava theology and the Vedic scriptures come into play. If the world around us is nothing more than God's energy and God is unlimited and omniscient, then it doesn't seem so far fetched that God could appear in the so-called material energy in the form of wood or stone. That is the principle and idea behind the archa-vigraha. It's God manifesting His spiritual, transcendental presence into that seemingly material form. Such a form is not material at all, but to the mundane vision of non-devotees it appears to be a doll or a statue made of material elements. Hence they believe "Hindus" to be worshipping idols.

If there is no understanding about God then it becomes very difficult to understand many aspects of Gaudiya-Vaishnava or Krishna Conscious (bhakti-yoga) practices. There needs to be an initial understanding of God as the Supreme Being and us as subordinate, tiny spirit souls. Once one becomes humble and submissive then the transmission of transcendental knowledge can take place.

If one approaches Krishna Consciousness with a materialistic conception then nothing will make sense. The stories in the Vedas will seem like mythology, the Deity will seem like a stone statue or idol, the chanting of the Hare Krishna maha-mantra will seem like some form of "brainwashing", the Guru will appear to be an ordinary man who desires worship and fame, etc. All of these things are impossible to understand from a polluted materialistic consciousness.

Many people can't even stop eating meat, running after sex and intoxication and seeking out power and fame. They look at the practices of devotees as being absurd and cultish, but due to ignorance they don't even realize they're in the biggest cult of them all: the cult of illusion and materialism. And they sheepishly follow after what mainstream culture, media and advertising tells them to do, enjoy and pursue.

Materialistic people think that devotees and religious, spiritual people in general are crazy, because they're pursuing things based on faith rather than the tangible world outside of us. But the devotees think the materialistic people are crazy, because they're running after temporary, worldly desires and spending so much time and energy trying to make a permanent home in a temporary world.

We all live in a world of faith. The materialistic person has faith in their senses and their material intelligence. They believe that what they can perceive with their senses is all there is and this is what they believe. They put faith in the materialistic scientists to tell them what the world is, but they ignore the question of WHY we're here. The spiritualist or devotee puts their faith in the scriptures and self-realized souls. Either way faith is there.

So I look at my own life and realize that I haven't just put blind faith into a spiritual process. I put faith into it because there are realizations and experiences that come along with the practice. I believe what I believe not because others have told me to believe it, but because I have had experiences which validate what others have said to be true. Of course that doesn't mean I have experienced those higher states of consciousness where I am fully aware of my eternal, spiritual identity, but I have had experiences which have shown me that this process is real. The more of those types of experiences that we have, the closer we come to the true, eternal reality and the further away we grow from illusion and ignorance.

It's in that higher state of consciousness that so many of the practices of bhakti-yoga become coherent and clear. We're not worshipping idols, we're in the presence of God's merciful manifestation so that we may perceive and serve Him with our currently mundane senses. We're not chanting some mundane sound to put us in a hypnotized state, we're chanting God's names as a form of communion, prayer and connection to transcendence. We're not blindly worshipping Guru as a mundane person or celebrity, we're connecting with the essence of Sri Guru or Paramatama, which is Krishna in our heart becoming manifest externally before us.

Even as aspiring devotees we can sometimes "ride the surface" of our devotional activities, never quite going beyond the ritual. In a higher sense it's not the rituals that are important. It's not the organization or the institution that is important. What is important is for us to become purified in our hearts and our consciousness so that we may elevate ourselves to a higher state of being and perception. It's in that higher state that true Krishna Consciousness and devotional service takes place. It's there where we can meet God face to face.

Is God Just In Our Minds?

It's easy to doubt the existence of God. After all, we can't really see Him, touch Him, talk to Him, hang out with Him, play with Him, etc. the way that we can with our material friends, family and acquaintances. We know that God is not known through any empirical or philosophical process. It's said in the Srimad Bhagavatam that God cannot be understood or grasped by our tiny intellects and minds.

Of course this makes things very difficult in trying to understand, know and come closer to God. All we have at the present moment are our tiny minds and conditioned, material senses. It's like we can't know God until we're completely transcendental, but to become completely transcendental we have to attain pure, unconditional love for God. Not such an easy task.

I was recently listening to a class given by H.H. Srila Gour Govinda Swami Maharaja and he was talking about crying for Krishna. I've heard this before, but at that moment I was thinking, "How can I cry for someone that I don't even know?" The only way I "know" Krishna is thorough the sastras, Vaishnavas and Gurus. From them we hear about Krishna. We also know that hearing about Krishna is as good as associating with Krishna directly. Of course that hearing has to be in the proper consciousness, i.e. - in a state of devotion, humility, surrender and attentiveness.

I feel that in the beginning stages of my Krishna Conscious life I was very sincere and strictly followed the process of sadhana-bhakti. My faith was strong and there was a definite sense of Krishna's presence. After time though I found myself struggling against the same anarthas that were there before coming to the devotional path. Why weren't these desires and attachments going away?

We hear that Krishna will test your sincerity and your devotion. Perhaps it was a simple case that I failed all of the tests. Is it because of failing the tests that I now find myself with a much weaker sense of faith?

The existence of God seems so far away and unreal at times. So how can I cry for someone I've never met and someone I don't really know? The great Vaishnava devotees of the Lord would say that we have to put faith in the sastras. But when you really think about it, how can we know those are even true? What if it's just our faith and belief in them that makes them true? The great Vaishnava devotees of the Lord would say that Krishna exists independently of our belief in Him or not, just as the sun exists whether we accept its existence or not.

The one factor that maintains any sense of faith in me is Srila Prabhupada. When you look at his life, hear his lectures or see him on video you know he's on a platform far beyond this material existence. You know he's experiencing something deep, profound and of a transcendental nature. You know he's living in a reality that is far beyond what we're experiencing with our mundane, material senses. But that reality is locked up within his heart, unknown to us and unseen by our prying eyes.

He's assured us that we can all experience such a level of devotional, spiritual existence and ecstasy. He's assured us that we can all meet Krishna face to face. But at times I feel so far away. When I'm working some mundane retail job and constantly associating with materialistic people who's only interest is sense gratification I find myself wondering how I'll ever get to the stage of raganuga-bhakti. When I find myself watching TV or mundane movies or listening to mundane music I wonder how I'll get to a level of devotion where I cry when I can't see Krishna. It's just so abstract and so theoretical.

I know there is no fault in the process. The fault lies within myself. All of the doubts, all of the lack of faith, all of the attachment to material enjoyment, it's all in my own heart, my own consciousness. I'm making the choices to remain in illusion. And by wallowing in illusion and selfish sense gratification the doubts will grow even stronger. The lack of faith will become stronger. This, as the great Vaishnavas of the Lord tell us, is how maya works.

Sometimes it's hard to believe in the existence of God. Sometimes you look at all of the world religions and think, "These things are true only because people put faith in them". Sometimes the material world that we experience with our senses seems like the only true reality. It's in these moments of doubt or illusion that we really have to step back from it all. We have to go inward into our hearts and our consciousness and find that place that transcends time. It is there where Krishna and the great devotees of the Lord reside. As we come to the point of death this will become so much more clear and understandable. We have to let it all go. The attachments to the body, to family, to friends, to our material possessions, etc. It's all an illusion. And the only way to really know Krishna is to find that place within our hearts.

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna Hare Hare
Hare Rama Hare Rama, Rama Rama Hare Hare

In that place this transcendental sound vibration is fully realized as non-different from Krishna. The Holy Name manifests itself fully only in that state of consciousness. This is why devotees can go years and years chanting their rounds but never attain any freedom from their anarthas and never make any advancement on the devotional path. This is why we hear that chanting the Holy Name is not simply a matter of making the sound come out of our mouths. We have to be in the proper state of consciousness to fully realize its potency.

Although my faith is weak and at times my doubts may show, I can never give up the lotus feet of Sri Guru. It is only through the agency and mercy of Sri Guru that we have any hope of attaining the higher stages of devotional service and realization. By the mercy of Sri Guru I can come to understand that God is not merely in my mind or a creation of my imagination. I can come to understand the presence and potency of God in every atom and in every moment. I can begin to open my heart to that love for which my soul is constantly craving.

I Am Not This Body: Self Realization 101

We spend so many of our hours absorbed in the material, external energy of God (Krishna). It's become so habitual and second-nature to us. We, as conscious human beings, accept it as our collective reality. We know from various scriptures in various religions that the material world is temporary, illusory and not our true home. In theory it's easy to accept. In practice, not so much. We spend so much of our time trying to make a permanent situation for comfort and happiness while here.

Srila Gour Govinda Maharaja tells a wonderful, metaphorical story about the soul and how its experience here in the material world is like a person staying the night in a hotel or an inn. I've always loved that analogy. Here we are in this current life, in this current physical body, but our time here is like staying the night at a hotel. The morning comes and you have to check out. The whole time you're aware that this hotel room isn't your permanent place of residence. You're making plans for the next day, realizing that in the morning you'll have to leave.

Yet so many of us think and act and speak in such a way as if we'll be here forever. This is the power of the Lord's illusory energy (maya). We become myopic, narrow-focused and deluded. We become overwhelmed by the problems and responsibilities at hand. We become unable to step back and "see the bigger picture", as they say.

We spend so much time absorbed in illusory conceptions of self and in material identification that it's no wonder when aspiring devotees begin doubting the existence and reality of Sri Krishna. After all, from a completely mundane and materialistic view, Krishna Consciousness seems very mythological and absurd. God appearing as a gigantic fish? Or a boar? Or a turtle? There are so many topics and pastimes within the Vedas and more specifically the Srimad Bhagavatam that, from a materialistic, logical perspective, are completely unbelievable.

Understanding and realizing Sri Krishna and the transcendental, spiritual realm is not an easy thing. It has to begin with that most fundamental of realizations that His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Maharaja continuously and oft repeated: WE ARE NOT OUR BODIES! It seems so simple, so basic and yet it is so elusive in application and realization. I may be able to theoretically understand that I'm not my physical body, but can I live on such a platform of realization as my daily experience, at every moment? Unlikely.

That of course is the process of Krishna Consciousness or bhakti-yoga. It's a process of getting to that point of realization. If we can't even get to that first step, then there's no question of understanding Sri Krishna's transcendental guna (qualities), rupa (forms) and lila (pastimes). They're not accessible to those that are absorbed in a bodily conception of life.

It's this bodily conception of life that is the hallmark of material existence. Every single one of us is thinking we're this physical body and beyond that, the subtle mind with our personalities, desires and dispositions. But it's all an illusion. A grand act of deception carried out by the false ego (ahankara).

Of course we've all heard this a thousand times before. We've heard it in lectures, read it in books, heard it in a song. The problem is in actually REALIZING this truth and having it become our reality.

We must begin to become more absorbed in transcendence. Just as the person in the hotel is thinking about how they have to check out in the morning, we also have to think about where we're heading after this body dies. We have to begin surrounding ourselves with those things and those associations that will direct our attention towards the Supreme. That transcendental reality has to start becoming our reality. We have to start developing detachment to this material world and attachment towards Sri Krishna, the source of all beauty.

Spending enormous amounts of time and energy trying to be happy and comfortable in this material world is a futile endeavor. It's like the building of a sand castle on the shore of a beach, where the tide comes in and washes everything away. Better that we spend our time building a "castle" of devotion within our hearts that will remain even after the physical body dies.

The Nature of Samskaras and Conditioning

The other day I was watching my step-daughter, Madhavi, playing with her Webkinz toys. She was making them reenact her dance competition (which she had just attended the week before), complete with music, dances and cheers from the crowd. It made me remember how another time, after attending my wife's graduation ceremony, that she acted out the ceremony with her Webkinz for the next few days, even setting up a stage, making diplomas, etc.

Then I had the thought that children will act out or play according to what they're experiencing in their environments. Why do they do this? It's because they're reinforcing their experiences and strengthening those neurological pathways in their brains. In other words, they're becoming conditioned.

We've spent our whole life being conditioned. We're conditioned by our parents, peers, the environment, the society, culture, etc. A small child in India grows up learning that when you have to go to the bathroom you go out to the field with a pot of water and then you take a bath. A small child in America learns that when you have to go to the bathroom you sit on a bowl and wipe with toilet paper. They've both been conditioned to accept these practices as being "the right way" to do things, yet intrinsically neither way is right or wrong.

In the Vedic theology we have samskaras or rites of passage in which impressions are placed upon the mind and consciousness for certain major events in our lives. These samskaras leave lasting impressions within the heart and are ultimately meant for our purification and spiritual advancement.

In the same way, once we're born into this material world, we go through various mundane samskaras that leave impressions in our hearts. Conditioning is taking place, whether it's material or spiritual and whether we're aware of it or not. We grow up in our early years being conditioned by the norms and expectations of our parents and in our youth and teens we're more influenced by our peers. We follow the fads and trends in an effort to fit in. We do what other's are doing because it's accepted and seen as something beneficial and important. Sometimes this sort of blind following leads into our adult life and we find ourselves never questioning the world around us.

A major problem in today's society is this sort of blind following. We've become conditioned as a society to NOT think and to just accept the norms as the way of life. We take everything at face value: the news, the media, etc. We've become so conditioned to accept the material body as the self that we can't think beyond it. We've become conditioned to accept this material world as our home. We've become conditioned to accept birth, death, disease and old age as inevitable, harsh realities.

Repetition creates reinforcement. It's like scratching the surface of a wooden table with a needle. If you keep scratching, scratching, scratching eventually the scratch becomes very deep and embedded into the wood grain. It becomes very difficult to remove the scratch. In the same way, our material conditioning is so deep rooted that it's difficult to erase all of these illusions and negative impressions. Even devotees that have been strictly following the process for years and years still find themselves haunted by material desires or still attached to their false ego.

Just as material conditioning is taking place at every moment, we have to begin a process of spiritual conditioning. This is obviously what sadhana or daily, devotional practice is all about. It's trying to create these new, positive impressions and erase the old, negative ones. It's the process of cleansing the mirror of the heart. A difficult process indeed, but definitely possible. We just have to do it! Sometimes (more often than not) I find myself lacking the motivation to engage in the devotional practices. Obviously this is due to conditioning. If you go years without strictly chanting your rounds it becomes habitual. Habit and conditioning are practically synonymous.

So it becomes about habit, about daily patterns. It becomes about what we're repeating in our minds at every moment. We have the power to change ourselves, to transform our hearts and consciousness. That is the nature of free will. Obviously in kali-yuga great mercy is needed to make spiritual advancement, but the fact remains that we have to make the effort. Srila Prabhupada has mercifully given us everything we need to succeed, yet we still have to do our part to follow the process. And therein lies the conundrum of the living entity.

That Which We Do Not Speak Of (Sex Life Revisited)

An astute reader of my previous post noted that it seemed rushed and that it lacked my personality. I was impressed by their ability to detect that it was indeed a rushed post. I had really wanted to post that comic strip, but also needed to be somewhere, so I cut and pasted a bunch of sastric (scriptural) quotes and at the end threw up a link for further reading. Now don't get me wrong: the quotes and link are definitely pertinent and relevant to the discussion, but it was evident that I had thrown it all together without much personal commentary or thoughts on the topic. So in this post I wanted to come back to it with a little more personality.

First off, I was surprised by "Hare Krishna Diary"'s comment on the previous post. In all of the feedback I've been getting they were the only one to feel that I was portraying brahmacari's in a mocking way or saying that ALL brahmacaris are sexual deviants. Obviously that wasn't the intention of the comic strip. The intention was that there are sometimes individual persons in the brahmacari ashram that are struggling with sexual thoughts or reflections. And the problem is: well what do we do with those desires? And how do we stop them? And of course the feeling of hopelessness and frustration that comes along with being unable to stop the powerful pushing of sex desire.

I believe it's just part of the human experience. If it wasn't such an important topic then it wouldn't appear so much in the Srimad Bhagavatam and other Vedic scriptures. My Guru Maharaja, H.H. Bhakti Tirtha Swami, was outspoken on the topic and delineated many important points on this issue in his book "Spiritual Warrior 2: Transforming Lust into Love".

When I was going through my crisis and doubts about being a brahmacari and had expressed to him that perhaps I should put on white cloth, he said to me reassuringly (paraphrasing), "One never really, completely gets rid of sex desire. It's just a matter of learning how to channel (transform) that energy." His point was that as long as we're in a material body, we'll experience such urges and pushes from the senses and mind. Part of the spiritual, devotional process is learning how to focus that energy towards Krishna and devotional service.

In my seven years as a brahmacari I had genuine experiences of being so absorbed in devotional service that thoughts of sex were completely non-existent in my mind. It really all comes down to the mind and what it's focusing and reflecting on. As Krishna says in the Bhagavad-gita, our mind can be our greatest friend or our greatest enemy. When it's uncontrolled it's our enemy and conversely when it's controlled it's our friend.

Controlling the mind is such a paradox, because it's within our power to control it. In other words, the mind is nothing more than a tool or instrument being used by the soul. The individual soul has the freewill and the power to decide how to use the mind. We can control what it's thinking about and reflecting on.

So why does Arjuna say to Krishna in the Bhagavad-gita that controlling the mind seems more difficult than controlling the wind? (Bhagavad-gita 6.34) Because the fact is that even though we are in control of the mind, the mind is sometimes so fickle and obstinate that it overrides our intelligence. We may know the right thing to do, but still our mind urges us towards something improper. Krishna agrees and acknowledges the difficulty of controlling the mind, but says that it's possible with "constant practice and detachment" (Bhagavad-gita 6.35). And Srila Prabhupada, in his purport, says that the most important step in controlling the mind is hearing about Krishna and transcendental topics.

When the mind is engaged in attentively hearing about Krishna (sravanam), then naturally it also becomes absorbed in thoughts of Him (smaranam). That is the secret of controlling the mind. And as we become more attached to Krishna and the process of devotional service, then we become more and more detached from the material world and sense gratification. But again, it takes constant practice. We have to devote the time for hearing and chanting and remembering Krishna. It's not like we just hear one Bhagavad-gita verse and all of a sudden we're pure devotees.

The attraction to sex life is one of those things that we've been conditioned into accepting as the highest pleasure in material existence. We become like Pavlov's dog that every time it heard a bell ring it would begin to salivate, because it had been conditioned to receive a treat every time it heard a bell. So every time we see some stimulus for sex, like the attractive forms of the opposite sex, then our minds think, "Oh, here is pleasure" and we begin to reflect on enjoying sexual pleasures. No doubt there is some pleasure in the experience of orgasm, but it's a temporary, momentary chemical stimulation in the brain. But just as with any addiction, we find ourselves needing more and more of the "drug" just to feel a tiny glimmer of what we once felt in the beginning. Such a downward spiral leads to depression, despair and emptiness.

The fact is, sexual pleasure is just one more weapon in the arsenal of the Lord's illusory energy. Actually, it can be considered the main, chief weapon of maya. It's a force so powerful that it completely binds us to a materialistic, bodily conception of life. Is it impossible to over come? Of course not. Is it difficult to over come? Of course.

The main problem is not having enough desire to become completely Krishna Conscious. We still have desires separate from Krishna and pleasing Krishna's senses. Our devotion is still so mixed with desires for personal benefit and gain. We want Krishna, but we also want sense gratification. Unfortunately this is like trying to mix oil and water. They're just not compatible. As long as we desire our personal sense gratification over desiring Krishna, then to that degree we will remain in illusion and suffering.

Srila Prabhupada explains further in his purport to the Bhagavad-gita verse 6.35 that just by hearing about Krishna we become more attached to Him. We just have to follow the nine-fold process of devotional service and we'll make progress towards Krishna. I think back to some of my best days in Krishna Consciousness and it was when I was fully absorbed in the process. Now I'm lucky if I chant one round a day or read a verse from the Srimad Bhagavatam. If we're not following the process then how can we say, "This process doesn't work!" If the doctor gives us some medicine to take, but we decide not to take it, then how can we complain when our disease or suffering becomes worse? When we find ourselves being harassed and victimized by our mind and senses we have to stop and ask ourselves, "What is the quality of my sadhana (daily devotional practice)? What is the quality of my chanting and hearing?" There's almost no doubt that our suffering and misery are a reflection of our poor (or in some cases non-existent) sadhana.

Brahmacaris, Celibacy and Sex Life

*WARNING!*

DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY THE DISCUSSION OF SEXUAL TOPICS. THE COMIC STRIP I HAVE POSTED HERE AND THIS BLOG ENTRY ARE OF A SEXUAL NATURE.

I created the following comic strip entitled "Brahmacari Blues" to address an oft-not discussed topic: brahmacari's dealing with sex desire. In my personal experience of 7 years as a celibate, brahmacari monk, the last 3 of those years was fraught with sex desire and doubts about the path I was on. But it always seemed like the topic of sex and masturbation just wasn't something you talked about with your fellow monks. And it was also something you dare not discuss with anyone else for fear of judgement or ridicule. Yet I wonder how many other brahmacaris that I was with and that I met in my journeys were also silently struggling with sex desire? And what to speak of brahmacaris, how many devotees in general are struggling with controlling sex desire?

The topic of sex life just seems to be one of those things that many devotees don't feel comfortable talking about. And obviously there has to be some sense of chastity, privacy and appropriateness in its discussion. But it just seems like if more devotees were open and honest about it, then there wouldn't be so much guilt, feelings of failure or feelings of isolation. If someone thinks, "Well gee...every other devotee is so happy and blissfully engaged in chanting and rendering their service. I must be the only one struggling with sex desire and chanting my rounds!" then obviously there will be feelings of alienation, despair and lacking.

In this comic strip a brahmacari is happily leading a kirtan down a city street. Then he encounters visions that are not uncommon in today's society: ads and images of sex. He tries his best to not dwell on them, but then the kirtan party encounters two scantily clad and well-endowed women on the beach. His mind and focus are disturbed. Later that evening he dreams of sex life and experiences a "wet dream". He feels dejected and that he'll never become free of sex desire. Click on the image below to read it:


One of the greatest forces in this material world is sex desire. Arjuna asks Sri Krishna in the Bhagavad-gita, "O descendant of Vrsni, by what is one impelled to sinful acts, even unwillingly, as if engaged by force?" Sri Krishna replies, "It is lust only Arjuna, which is born of contact with the material modes of passion and later transformed into wrath, and which is the all-devouring, sinful enemy of the world." (Bhagavad-gita, Chap.3, verses 36-37).

We are driven by lust, which is characterized by selfishness and self-centered desires and pursuits. It makes us do things without thinking of the consequences.

Srila Prabhupada says in his purport to the 39th verse of the third chapter in the Bhagavad-gita:

"It is said in the Manu-smrti that lust cannot be satisfied by any amount of sense enjoyment, just as fire is never extinguished by a constant supply of fuel. In the material world, the center of all activities is sex, and thus this material world is called maithunya-agara, or the shackles of sex life. In the ordinary prison house, criminals are kept within bars; similarly, the criminals who are disobedient to the laws of the Lord are shackled by sex life. Advancement of material civilization on the basis of sense gratification means increasing the duration of the material existence of a living entity. Therefore, this lust is the symbol of ignorance by which the living entity is kept within the material world. While one enjoys sense gratification, it may be that there is some feeling of happiness, but actually that so-called feeling of happiness is the ultimate enemy of the sense enjoyer."

This is definitely a shocking view of sex life to those of us who have been brought up in a liberal, modern society that promotes sexual activity and promiscuity. Our culture is becoming more and more sexualized and it's reflected in the dress, attitudes and activities of pre-teens and teenage pregnancy.

Sexual energy is one of the most powerful material energies. Lord Vishnu even displayed it to bewilder the mind of Lord Shiva. As Srila Prabhupada says in a Srimad Bhagavatam purport (8.12.16):

"Lord Siva's desiring to see Lord Vishnu reveal the most attractive and beautiful form of a woman was certainly a joking affair. Lord Siva knew that he could not be agitated by any so-called beautiful woman. "The Daityas may have been bewildered," he thought, "but since even the demigods could not be agitated, what to speak of me, who am the best of all the demigods?" However, because Lord Siva wanted to see Lord Vishnu's form as a woman, Lord Vishnu decided to impersonate a woman and show him a form that would immediately put him in an ocean of lusty desires."

There are many more examples in the Srimad Bhagavatam of how sex desire brought down many a great sage and yogi. And we know even in modern times that many so-called spiritual and material leaders have fallen prey to unrestricted sex desire and scandal.

So we know that it is lusty, selfish desire that propels us towards sexual activity. Why is it so enticing and attractive? It's because of the pleasure we experience from it. Srila Prabhupada also explains this pleasure in a purport from Srimad Bhagavatam (2.6.8):

"The genitals and the pleasure of begetting counteract the distresses of family encumbrances. One would cease to generate altogether if there were not, by the grace of the Lord, a coating, a pleasure-giving substance, on the surface of the generative organs. This substance gives a pleasure so intense that it counteracts fully the distress of family encumbrances. A person is so captivated by this pleasure-giving substance that he is not satisfied by begetting a single child, but increases the number of children, with great risk in regard to maintaining them, simply for this pleasure-giving substance.

This pleasure-giving substance is not false, however, because it originates from the transcendental body of the Lord. In other words, the pleasure-giving substance is a reality, but it has taken on an aspect of pervertedness on account of material contamination. In the material world, sex life is the cause of many distresses on account of material contact.

Therefore, the sex life in the material world should not be encouraged beyond the necessity. There is a necessity for generating progeny even in the material world, but such generation of children must be carried out with full responsibility for spiritual values. The spiritual values of life can be realized in the human form of material existence, and the human being must adopt family planning with reference to the context of spiritual values, and not otherwise.

The degraded form of family restriction by use of contraceptives, etc., is the grossest type of material contamination. Materialists who use these devices want to fully utilize the pleasure potency of the coating on the genitals by artificial means, without knowing the spiritual importance. And without knowledge of spiritual values, the less intelligent man tries to utilize only the material sense pleasure of the genitals."

We know from scientific evidence that this "coating" on the genitals is nothing more than a higher density of nerve endings. When these nerve endings are stimulated there is a release of chemicals in the brain known as endorphins. These endorphins give us a sense of pleasure, happiness and euphoria. In other words, material ecstasy. Sexual stimulation is one of the most powerful forms of sense gratification and pleasure in the material world. In one sense, it's no different than becoming addicted to any other form of chemically-based sense gratification, like drugs, alcohol, etc. And from a higher perspective, ALL sense gratification is nothing more than an experience of chemical stimulation in our brains.

So what do we do with this sex desire? Stephen Knapp (Srinandanandana Das) has written an excellent article on this topic. You can read it here:

http://www.stephen-knapp.com/becoming_free_from_sex_desire.htm

It's a dense read, but well worth the time to consume and reflect upon.

Will I Ever Cry for Krishna?

Just a couple days ago, while reading H.H. Radhanath Swami's autobiography, I was reflecting on what makes one person so dedicated and focused on the path of bhakti, while another person is weak, lazy and unfocused? We see in every religion that there are different types of worshippers or practitioners. Some people are very devout; never missing a service, chanting, praying, strictly following their scriptures, etc. At the same time, someone in the same religion could be full of hypocrisy, have no morals, rarely attend their church or temple or mosque, etc., but they still adhere to their beliefs and faith. Maybe sometimes a person is sincere, but just weak in their faith. In other instances perhaps they were just born into their religion, so they just follow the externals because it's socially expected of them.

Even within the Gaudiya-Vaishnava theology we have different levels of devotee, i.e. - the kanistha, the madhyam and the uttama-adhikaris. We're all at different levels of spiritual advancement and realization. We're all engaging in devotional service for our own reasons, just as in other religions, people are following their beliefs for their own reasons. We all have some kind of motivation for adhering to our particular faith or belief.

As we're trudging along on the path of bhakti, we constantly have to take self inventory. When self analysis and reflection stop, so does our advancement. I've noted in myself that when I become complacent, lazy or disinterested in my devotional life that I have so much more stress, anxiety and depression. If we take a break from chanting or hearing or associating with more advanced Vaishnavas, then the material modes of nature and maya will devour us. Our minds and senses will take full control. We can't be careless or whimsical on this path of devotion. It truly is a science and if we want the results we have to follow it properly.

Still, knowing what is to be done, why does this desire not arise within my heart? Why do I find it hard to be motivated to chant 16 rounds everyday? To study the sastras everyday? To run where higher Vaishnava association is available? Why do I find my mind still more attracted to sense gratification than to Krishna?

Even when I wore the saffron cloth of a brahmacari and had a shaven head and sikha, in those last few years in the temple I was losing taste for devotional service and for chanting. Where did that early enthusiasm and zeal disappear to? I used to jump so high in the kirtans and dance like a madman for the pleasure of the Deities and my Guru Maharaja, but now I'm a wallflower, standing in the background and softly clapping my hands. I used to be so eager to preach and share Krishna with others by going out on book distribution or sankirtan. So what happened? How did I go from fixed up a brahmacari to a struggling fringy?

I was speaking with one devotee a couple weeks ago and he was saying that since Krishna Consciousness is a science, that when something is going wrong in your devotional life then it means you're not following something properly. He was saying how offenses in devotional service can stifle one's progress. Perhaps it was because of my accumulated offenses to my Guru Maharaja, to the Deities and to the devotees that ultimately I lost all taste for the devotional process and left the temple to pursue a materialistic, self-absorbed existence.

Maybe I wasn't humble enough. Maybe I wasn't surrendered enough. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Obviously the past can't be changed, nor is there any reason to dwell upon it. All we have is the present moment. And in this present moment I find myself at every second being given the choice to be Krishna Conscious or to be in maya. A few days ago I posted a Facebook update that said something like, "Jayadeva Dasa is wondering when his mind will remain fixed on the lotus feet of Sri Guru and Sri Krishna without diversion". Some people responded that it could be NOW if I wanted it to be. And it's so true. It's our desire that determines our consciousness.

I always come full circle with this kind of thinking. If we desire to be Krishna Conscious then we'll be Krishna Conscious. Well what if we don't have the desire? Then associate with those who do! And if you don't have the desire to even pursue that kind of association, then pray to Guru and Krishna to attain it. We are definitely mercy cases in this kali yuga. How unfortunate I am that I have come this close the ocean of bhakti-yoga, yet I am unable to dive deeply into it. Due to my weak mind and desires for sense gratification I cannot enter deeply into the mysteries of bhakti. I cannot experience those higher states of realization, awareness and love.

By the grace of Srila Prabhupada and our Gurus we know what the process is. We know what is to be done...yet we find ourselves unable or uninterested. As the great Vaishnava poets might say, "Alas! Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu and Sri Nityananda Prabhu have descended on this earth to drown every living entity in the ocean of pure love for God, yet I am so unfortunate that not even a drop of this love has touched me!"

We have to become eager for Krishna Consciousness. We have to long for it, desire it and cry for it. We have to understand its importance and urgency. We have to feel empty and void without it. Without such feeling we will always give in to the maya, give in to the sense gratification, give in to our lower, material natures. If we don't think we're in danger, we'll never cry out to the Lord and as Srila Prabhupada has said, one has to chant the Holy Name as a child in distress cries out for their mother or father.

My dear Guru Maharaja, please give me this gift of being able to sincerely and humbly cry for Krishna's mercy, love and service. It is through this intense eagerness and crying that I will be able to remain fixed on the path of devotional service and to always make the right choices and pass all the tests.

When Considered in the Face of Death

Have you ever taken one of those naps where you wake up and you feel discombobulated? Like you don't know where you are or what time it is and somehow everything feels foreign and somewhat unreal? I haven't had the experience lately, but I can remember the sensation. It makes me realize how this life is temporary and that I'm going to die one day.

Every now and then as I'm going through my daily routines and duties I'm interrupted by the thought, "What is the point of all of this?" And then it made me realize: when we weigh something against the reality of death, it really puts it into perspective. How much value will my BA in Art Education have as I'm laying on my death bed? How much will it matter that I helped people make copies at Staples?

And then it hits me: the only things that are important at the time of death are the things that we did selflessly to help, heal or uplift someone else. A life of service is a life well lived. How proud will I be laying there dying and thinking how I wasted my life in self-absorbed activities and thoughts and desires for sense gratification and personal enjoyment? When you think about it, it's actually embarrassing and shameful.

Those activities and thoughts and desires will do nothing but guarantee our rebirth in another material body in this miserable material world. So how can I live for others? How can I live a fulfilled life of trying to help and assist other living beings?

This was and still is one of my greatest struggles in devotional life. I can't seem to find that switch to flip to become selfless. My Guru Maharaja, H.H. Bhakti Tirtha Swami Maharaja, wrote in my copy of Spiritual Warrior 2:

"Lust attacks us on the gross and subtle levels. We will always be defeated unless we become truly selfless. Yours in the struggle for unconditional love."

And one time he said to me (after asking him how I can become more selfless), "Do you realize you keep asking the same question over and over? You might want to take a look at that." His point was that he kept giving me the answer, but I wasn't applying it. The way we become selfless is by simply being selfless! Another time I had said to him (paraphrasing), "Guru Maharaja, you're traveling all over the world in spite of your poor health. How do you do it?" He smiled that wide smile of his and replied, "Jayadeva, you think about your self too much!"

The secret to a truly happy, fulfilled and blessed life is to be genuinely selfless. Being genuinely selfless means doing things for others joyfully, willfully and with real love, compassion and concern. I sometimes thought I was being selfless as my Guru Maharaja's personal servant and secretary. After all, I was sometimes not eating, barely sleeping, sitting for long hours dictating emails, cleaning, doing Deity seva, serving, etc. So externally it appeared that I was very selfless and surrendered. But my Gurudeva knew my heart and one time in New Vrindavan he said to me, "You're doing all this service, but internally you're just angry and resentful." It caught me off guard, because I didn't realize I was giving off such a strong vibe with my energy, but it was completely true. I was never happy as his personal servant, because I was too self-absorbed and thinking about how I was miserable and tired or hungry or whatever. I just wanted to be relaxing and spacing out. I didn't want the stress and pressure of being that close to my Guru.

So externally we can appear to be very selfless, doing so many things for others, but internally harboring that resentment, anger and frustration. That's not the kind of selflessness that will make us happy. It will make us bitter and miserable. I believe that's part of the reason I couldn't remain as a brahmacari as well. It was a fake and forced sort of surrender; not a genuine, heartfelt reality.

So I left the temple and dove right back into the inviting waters of maya and I enjoyed my selfish pursuits and endeavors for material happiness. But after some time it made me feel empty and depressed. I expressed this to my Guru Maharaja to which he replied that living a life devoid of devotional service is "so damn boring". And it's true. A life without devotional service to the Vaishnavas, Guru and Krishna is so empty and pointless. Those are truly the only things that matter at the time of death. Everything else we've done and spent our time absorbed in will be evaporated and rendered meaningless by the touch of death.

Does that mean we all retire and move to Sri Vrindavan Dhama, because after all, everything else is just maya and a waste of time? Of course not. But it means we really have to find out how to cultivate a mood of selfless devotion within the activities of our daily life. If we're working some crappy retail job, we have to see how it's ultimately service to Guru and Krishna. It's not easy and I'm not claiming I'm at that level of devotional realization. I'm really just talking to myself here. If my activities and thoughts have no connection to Krishna, then what is their value? So I have to find some way of dovetailing everything I do into Guru and Krishna's service. Then, at the time of death, I won't feel like this life was completely wasted in pursuits of selfish sense gratification.

The Certainty of Uncertainty

I've been reflecting the past few days on how everything in our experiences, both material and spiritual are continuously changing. Sometimes though things seem like they will never change. This can either be a blessing or a curse, depending on the situation and circumstances. If we're happily in love with someone, that love and those feelings can seem like they'll never stop; like we'll always feel that kind of blissful love for the other person. In this regard, the feeling like it will never change is a blessing. Of course we know that after the initial "honeymoon" phase or when the relationship becomes more serious that things do in fact change. There will be conflicts, doubts, arguments, etc.

Conversely, we could be in a very bad situation. Perhaps our health is very poor. It may feel like we'll always be sick and that we'll never feel better. Of course we know that after some time our health returns to normal and we're able to enjoy life again.

This is the nature of material experience: it's constantly changing. Situations may seem like they're lasting forever, but they won't. Nothing here in the material world lasts forever. And yet we completely deny this fact by trying to arrange our lives in such a way that we can be in the illusion that our lives will never change. We follow routines and make habits to make things predictable and controllable.

When we wake up in the morning, we're certain that we're going to follow the same routine. We're certain the shower will turn on and hot water will come out. We're certain our coffee maker will work. We're certain our hands and legs will move. We're certain that our car will start. When something doesn't go as planned or is out of our normal routine, we panic or become angry or frustrated. Why is that? Because it reminds us that we're not in control. It reminds us that at any moment our fabricated, certain and assured existence can come crashing down into uncertainty, unpredictability and chaos.

Ultimately, when things don't go as planned or when we can't change things or control things the way we think they should be, it really reminds us of our insignificance and mortality. As rebellious souls, we don't want to be reminded of these things!

The fact is that we have no ultimate control. The fact is that even though we don't want to die, we will. The fact is that even though we don't want things to change, they will. There is great certainty to the uncertainty of our lives. The greatest illusion is to think that we are in control and that we are making things happen. The more we fight against this reality, the more miserable we'll become. The Taoists are really on to something when they talk about going with the flow of existence.

We can't fight change and we can't change that which is out of our control. Even the election of Obama proved that things are constantly changing. George W. Bush couldn't remain as the President of the United States forever. It may have seemed like a long time to some people (and not long enough for others), but the fact is things changed.

When we are surrendered to God (Krishna) we are not anxious about the uncertainty of our lives. We are not concerned about trying to control things. We are not concerned about the changes that will come. There is an inner calm, an inner peace and an inner knowingness that Krishna is there and protecting us. When we are truly calm and quiet in our minds and existing in the present moment we can feel that presence. But in order to get to that state of mind, we have to let go. And as rebellious souls, we don't want to let go.

Chanting in Times of Distress and Suffering

Isn't it ironic that when we're experiencing the highest degree of material suffering, anxiety and despair that we have an increased interest in chanting the Holy Name of Sri Krishna? Isn't Queen Kunti our ideal in the way that she prayed to Sri Krishna for more and more calamities and suffering if it would be the cause of her remembering Krishna? It's a fact that when we're suffering we naturally cry out for help. But what about those times when the suffering and distractions are so great that it actually has the reverse effect? In other words, what if our suffering causes us to lose faith in Krishna and in chanting the Holy Name?

Sometimes when everything is going wrong and you're completely bogged down by the weight of material responsibilities and obligations there's no time and no room to think of Krishna. More importantly there's no interest in chanting Krishna's Holy Names. If we've spent all day at work dealing with difficult people and we come home and have to clean and cook and spend time with our family, then by the evening time we just want to lay down and "space out" by watching TV or surfing the Internet. But why isn't our relaxation time filled with chanting the Holy Name and connecting with Krishna? Why do we have no interest for that after being bombarded by the material energy all day long?

The thing that is so difficult for us to grasp is that it's really only the Holy Name and the nine processes of bhakti that will help us! Our favorite TV show won't help us. Our favorite flavor of ice cream won't help us. Facebook won't help us. All of these material distractions will simply be that: distractions. It will momentarily divert us from the suffering we experienced during the day, but it's just like any other sense gratification in the mode of the passion: in the beginning it's pleasurable, but in the end it's the cause of further misery and suffering.

Our only cure and our only shelter is the Holy Name of Sri Krishna. But we're resistant. We don't want to surrender to the Name. We don't want to sit for an hour or two chanting on our beads. We don't want to spend an hour or two reading the Srimad Bhagavatam. We think, "How will that possibly help my situation? How will that possibly make me happy right now?"

The fact is that the more time we spend absorbed in our illusory, temporary problems and miseries and false identities, the more and more miserable we'll become. It's a fact. The happiest people in the world are those that spend more time thinking about and assisting others rather than them selves. My guru maharaja tried to hammer this point into my thick skull over and over again, but I was (and still am) so dull that I can't grasp it, can't appreciate it. By taking the time to chant the Holy Name and read the sastras, we're taking the focus off of our self. We're making it about Krishna's pleasure, not our own. And as conditioned jivas with demonic propensities, that's a difficult pill to swallow. "Krishna's pleasure? Guru's pleasure? Preposterous!"

So here I am in my own particular experience and existence, facing the onslaught of the material energy. There is so much stress to face from work, school, relationships, our health, etc. Everyone has their own individualized "suffering plan" and everyone's level of suffering is subjective. In other words, someone may think my suffering is not so bad compared to a starving child in Africa, but given the context and circumstances of the situations, the stress levels can be the same. Stress and suffering are all around us and every living entity is suffering to some degree or another. If we want to end the suffering, we have to end the illusion. To end the illusion we have to chant the Holy Name of Krishna. It's the only means of developing our detachment from this temporary, material identity and developing our attachment to our eternal, spiritual self in relation to God (Krishna).

For some reason we go on in the illusion, go on in our suffering, accepting it as the only reality, the only truth. But when we genuinely transcend our lower, material nature and transcend the platform of the mind, we find the real truth and that truth is beautiful. We get so caught up in the day to day, in our individual "suffering plans" that we forget this is all temporary and not our real, permanent situation.

Krishna is sitting here right next to us. He's simply waiting for us to turn towards Him and call out His Holy Name. But we're so stubborn, lazy and unfortunate that we can't even muster the desire to do so.

What Would Rupa Goswami Do?

I feel like I haven't written in this blog in ages. My life has been a blur of activity: work, school, house-sitting, hospitalization for a migraine, social functions, etc. these past couple of months. Even now I'm dealing with my old arch-nemesis: a sinus infection/head cold. Somehow through it all I've still been trying to think of Krishna and devotional service.

When we came back from Sri Vrindavan Dhama I was riding the high horse of inspiration and enthusiasm. I had re-acquired that rare and elusive taste for chanting the Holy Name and had again taken up the chanting of 16 rounds a day. It lasted a good month or month and a half before the madness of work and school caught up with me. At times it was a challenge, as I would find myself sitting up late at night trying to finish all of my rounds, but I had a deep conviction that inspired me to do it. I was feeling reciprocation from Sri Guru and Sri Gauranga through devotional dreams at night.

But it's been gone for awhile now and I'm back in the same funk and struggle. Work at the Staples copy center has been a new hell unlike any hell I have had to experience in quite some time. Granted, it's not as hellish as the experience of getting malaria in Nigeria, but it's an emotional stressor for sure. I don't even want to get into why it's so stressful, but just imagine non-stop people coming up to you with demands and getting angry at you when you can't fulfill their demands instantaneously. It's one person with their demands after another.

So anyway, there's all of that stress from work. Fortunately this school semester has been one of my lightest loads thus far in my academic career and my co-op teaching has been a better experience than last semester. So I'm grateful for that. I don't know why I'm such an easily stressed out person. I like when things are predictable and uneventful. I like when there's nothing to do. I like staying at home and being indoors. I like habit and routine. I guess that's why I get so stressed out when there's a lot of change or inconveniences.

Anyway, all of that to say that's why I haven't been blogging much. It's one of those things that isn't really a priority in my life at this time. But here I sit in the library with about an hour to spare (we got out of class early) and figured this was as good a time as any to finally write something.

I wanted to talk about this photo image that I created in Photoshop:

I took it from the famous image of Srila Rupa Goswami. A devotees initial response may be, "Well this is totally offensive! What blasphemy! What sacrilege!" But my intention behind this image isn't offensiveness. It's to trigger within us the thought, "Rupa Goswami would never watch TV, listen to an iPod and drink Starbucks!" We instantly and instinctually know, "This isn't proper Vaishnava behavior." It's an incompatible image with our knowledge of Rupa Goswami. At the same time, we have to question why isn't it an incompatible consideration when we see one of our devotee peers engaging in such activity?

This of course brings us to the main reflection of this post: the expectations of the various levels of Vaishnava devotees. We know there are kanisthas, madhyamas and uttamas. There are different kinds of devotees at different levels of realization and advancement. As progressive, aspiring devotees we have to constantly analyze where we are and where we're heading. Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Thakur has written the poem "Vaishnava Ke? (What kind of Vaishnava are you?)", which you can read in its entirety here:

http://nitaaiveda.com/All_Scriptures_By_Acharyas/Bhaktisiddhanta_Sarasvati_Thakura/Vaishnava_Ke.htm

At one point in the poem, Srila Bhaktisiddhanta says:

"The pure devotee acts in Krishna consciousness without attachment to the objects of the senses, remaining conscious of his relationship as the eternal servitor of Lord Krishna, the Supreme Personality of Godhead. The pure devotee is fixed in his attachment to rendering pure devotional service to the Lord and thus he sees all apparently material objects of sense enjoyment as non-different divine energies of Lord Madhava (Krishna), ie. they are seen in terms of how they can be utilized in the devotional service to Lord Madhava (Krishna) and not according to their material sense-gratificatory value."

This is of course the highest level of devotional service (uttama-adhikari). As an eternal associate of the Lord, we know that Srila Rupa Goswami, if he were manifest today, would have nothing to do with watching TV (unless perhaps it had some connection with serving and giving pleasure to Krishna and the devotees).

This is the entire crux of our problem as neophyte devotees: we rarely perform activities for the service of Sri Guru and Sri Krishna and ever rarer are our thoughts focused on the pleasure of Guru and Krishna. This is why there is a disconnect between our material activities/thoughts and our devotional activities/thoughts. We're still doing things based on personal sense-gratification and not on selfless seva. There is still too much of our selves in the factor.

We then develop this sort of split-personality. We have our devotional selves and our materialist selves and we switch back and forth between these roles depending on the need and the situation. At devotee functions or programs we turn into the "Jaya, Haribol prabhu!" personality and when we're working at our karmi jobs we become "one of the guys or gals" and talk about mundane topics. When we're inspired we chant our rounds (or a couple) and read the Srimad Bhagavatam, but when we become bored of it, we watch a non-devotional movie or eat some (bhoga) corn chips or listen to a Neil Diamond song. We're too back-and-forth in our consciousness and our desires.

Obviously this is from being in the lower stages of devotional service. There is weakness of faith, weakness of heart and weakness of enthusiasm. That has to come from the higher association, but our will is so weak that it's hard to even muster the strength or desire to search out higher association. We become complacent and lazy in our stagnation and we see no urgency, no need to move beyond it.

Death is sneaking up on all of us. Time is passing by relentlessly. Yet we get so caught up in the stressors and anxieties of the (illusory) present that we forget this life isn't the all-in-all. We forget that our temporary families, friends, work, money, jobs, etc. will all be gone in the blink of an eye. They are not the goal. They're just traveling along with us on the path towards eternity and genuine love for God.

So when we look at that image of Srila Rupa Goswami watching TV, drinking Starbucks and listening to an iPod we can say to ourselves, "That's not the ideal. Srila Rupa Goswami wouldn't do these things. I should also aspire for that state of consciousness where these things are unnecessary distractions to that flow of loving and serving Krishna. I should aspire for that level where Srila Rupa Goswami resides: in pure, unconditional, unmotivated loving devotional service."

Of course that's not to say that these things can't be utilized in the service of Krishna. TV can be used to watch Krishna Conscious programs or to broadcast Krishna Conscious messages. An iPod can be filled with Srila Prabhupada's lectures and various devotional bhajans and videos. And Starbucks can be used to...well, uh...hmm...maybe it could help keep a devotee awake late at night as they're driving the sankirtan van. :^) The point is that it's all about our consciousness and intention behind the activity.

So this is pretty much where I'm at in my "Krishna Consciousness" at the moment. I'm back to the struggle of finding my devotional self. I'm back to the struggle of supremacy between my material self and my devotional self. I'm back to the struggle of finding some taste in chanting the Holy Name. I'm back to the struggle of trying to break out of my stagnation and complacency/apathy.

He Krishna! He Nitai! He Gurudeva! Please don't let me get lost in the mire of worldly, self-centered existence!

My dear Srila Rupa Goswami, please give me a drop of your mercy and lead me to the path of pure, selfless devotion. That devotion is your wealth and property. With a drop of your mercy I can push aside all of these unnecessary distractions and impediments and come to the stage of unmotivated, uninterrupted devotional service. This is the greatest goal and the greatest wealth in all of existence. Without the mercy of the Vaishnavas this will be impossible to attain.

What the Kermit...?!

"A global team of researchers has estimated that the international trade in frog meat represents 200 million to 1 billion frogs eaten each year, or about 11,000 tons of frog meat."
So that's what's been bothering Kermit so much! That little factoid came from this article:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28876555/wid/18298287/?GT1=45002

1,000,000,000 frogs...killed and eaten every year. Say whaaaat?! I don't really have any profound Krishna Conscious realizations on this. It's just crazy and I had to share it.

I currently have no time to blog, but if I did these are the topics I'd write about (as I get ideas I jot them down onto a piece of paper):

1. "Our Eternal Business" - Examining what our real business is here in the material world, which incidentally isn't working at a retail office supply store.

2. "When Krishna Becomes Our Necessity" - So many other things in life become so-called necessities, when in reality they're just temporary distractions from our main purpose and goal in life. When Krishna becomes our main necessity, all other things fall into place.

3. "Japa Irony" - Japa is supposed to be the easy process and path to Krishna-prema, but then why is it so hard and so many devotees struggle with it?! And why are there tons of seminars, workshops and books about the topic of improving japa if it's supposed to be so easy and sublime? Seems like hard work to me. In this blog musing I would analyze both sides of the japa bead.

4. "That Which We Do Not Speak Of" - This blog entry would have a disclaimer at the top that if you don't want to talk about sex, then don't continue reading. This is an entry I've been wanting to write for months now, ever since I started this thing. I even have images that I made in Photoshop a long time ago to use for this entry. It'd basically be all about sex and being a devotee.

5. "The Great Coffee Debacle" - A look at devotees' justifications for following some regs and not others. What's the psychology behind it? And if we break one reg, what keeps us from breaking the others?

6. "Cultivating the Internal" - Sometimes we get caught up in the externals of the devotional process to the point that our internal cultivation becomes stagnate or non-existent. Without genuine, internal cultivation of surrender, selflessness and devotional consciousness we will very easily fall from the path of bhakti. Being a true Vaishnava isn't just about wearing a dhoti or sari, wearing tilak and saying, "Jaya. Haribol, prabhu". It's about a transformation of the heart and consciousness.

7. "Even Heidi Klum's Farts Stink" - This could possibly be interrelated with the sex topic, as it's a look at the superficial nature of material beauty and the reality that lies beneath.

8. "The Nectar for Which We Are Always Anxious" - We all want pleasure and sense gratification, yet no matter how much we indulge in it and give in to the mind's and senses' demands, we find ourselves empty and miserable. So why do we still settle for it? And what will really satisfy us on a deeper level?

As you can see, it could take me days to write all of these. I just don't have the time to sit and write, write, write. And when I do have the time, I don't have the motivation. Such a paradox. Ah, well. Let us just go on chanting Hare Krishna.

Back to the Struggle

So we made it back from Sri Vrindavan Dhama in one piece. No terrorist attacks, no monkey attacks; not even attacks from the mind. But now that we're back "home" here in America, I find the same struggles that I had before we left resurfacing.

When one is in the Holy Dhama, Krishna Consciousness comes so much easier. The atmosphere is surcharged with devotion and transcendence. It's so much easier to rise early in the morning, to chant your rounds, to think about Krishna and to be eager to perform some kind of service. But back here in America I find my mind being lazy, wanting to sleep, wanting to aimlessly wander around the internet (preferably looking for pornographic images), wanting to watch TV and movies, wanting to listen to mundane music, wanting to eat bhoga, etc. And there are so many more distractions from the internet, television, job, bills, court appearances, school, etc. For example, I'm losing my job at Office Depot, because they're closing 120 stores nationwide and 32 stores in our district. So now I have to worry about finding a new job and in today's economic market, it's much more difficult to find companies that are hiring. So I have to fill out application after application and spend so much time and energy in trying to get a new job. It's energy and time that is being diverted from chanting my rounds, reading the sastras and thinking about Krishna.

Of course we may say, "Well isn't looking for a job simply part of the service as a grihasta?" And I suppose if we had that consciousness then it could be seen as devotional service. I'm looking for a job not for my own sense gratification, but rather because it's a necessary part of being a grihasta, i.e. - working and making money to help support the family, the family which belongs to Krishna. Okay, so I'll give you that, but all I'm saying is that it's one more distraction from being able to wholly and solely think about Krishna and to engage in direct devotional service.

And this is where I have trouble translating or transposing the experiences in the Holy Dhama back to my so-called real life here in America. When you're in the Holy Dhama there's nothing else to do but to chant and think about Krishna. I suppose if we lived there permanently then there would be more concern about maintenance and how we were going to survive, but even then there's a simplicity to it that's missing in America. We met this one devotee couple that were living a self-sustained existence by growing their own fruits and vegetables and stockpiling grains for the year. It was a living example of Srila Prabhupada's saying, "Simple living, high thinking". They didn't have TV or internet or mp3 players (although I think they had cell phones), but they were happy and content. It seems the more we simplify our lives, the happier we'll become.

But do we really want to live simply? Are we willing to give up our material comforts, technology and gadgets so that we can live a more Krishna-centered, Krishna conscious lifestyle? It really all seems to come down to desire. And desire is cultivated through association. The more we associate with the material modes of energy and non-devotional ways of thinking and acting, the more our desires for material comfort and sense gratification will increase. And conversely, the more we associate with devotees, the Holy Name and the sastras, the more our desires for Krishna Consciousness will increase. We truly are tatashta-shakti, marginal potency, trapped between the material and spiritual energies. It's a constant struggle back and forth between our lower and higher nature; our devotional (selfless) propensities vs. our demonic (selfish) propensities.

So here we are, back to the struggle, no longer sheltered by the transcendent atmosphere of Sri Vrindavan Dhama. Here I am, confronted with the choice to chant my rounds or not, to read the sastras or not, to watch TV or not, to give into the desires for sense gratification or not. I suppose as marginal potency, these choices are always there with us, but while I was in Sri Vrindavan Dhama the choice seemed so clear, so obvious, so beautiful and perfect: Krishna. And again, that's the power of the Holy Dhama. All we have to do there is become absorbed in the atmosphere and the Holy Name and Krishna will reveal Himself.

O, Gurudeva! I am so tiny and so insignificant. I am so weak and helpless against the Lord's illusory energy. I have no ability to over come it on my own. It is only through your mercy that I have any hope of remaining fixed in devotional service. Please give me the spiritual strength to remain fixed on your lotus feet and the lotus feet of Krishna. There is nothing else in this world worth mediating on.

O, Nitai! Your mercy is my only shelter and my only hope. Please transform this lowly servant's consciousness and purify my heart so that Krishna may reside there eternally. I am full of lust, envy, pride, anger and false ego. In this condition I will never be able to attain Sri Vrindavan Dhama. O, Nitai! By Your causeless mercy You can kick away all of these faults and impurities and allow me to become a genuine Vaishnava. This is my prayer and my hope. Please give Your mercy to me!