Material Fear and Anxiety

In connection with our upcoming trip to Sri Vrindavan Dhama, some people have expressed concern about traveling to India after the recent terrorist attacks in Mumbai. If someone really thinks about it, though, the logic is quite faulty. It's like someone is Europe saying, "We should never go to anywhere in America again, because once there was a terrorist attack in New York City"! The fact is that terrorism, calamities, accidents and death can happen anywhere and at anytime. Every time we get into a car we're facing the possibility of an accident or death.

So does that mean we stay locked inside of our houses and never do anything due to fear and anxiety about what bad things could happen? Even if we stayed inside of our house we could be struck with a heart attack and die instantly. There's no fool-proof escape from death. Just as in the movie "Final Destination", they tried to alter their destiny or fate in so many ways to avoid death, but in the end death always found a way to get them. Death is an inevitable part of life.

We have two ways to deal with the reality of death. We can A) choose to be always fearful and in anxiety, worrying about how to avoid it and worrying about how and when it will happen or B) we can surrender to Krishna's will and desire and understand that it is Krishna's plan when and how we will have to leave our material body. The first option is full of material fear, anxiety, stress and worry. These are all mental concoctions and have no benefit, either physically or mentally. It is the mind only that begins to obsess about future events and possibilities. It is the mind only that creates the illusory world of "what if". The mind is such a powerful tool that can have extremely detrimental effects upon us, if we choose to listen to it.

In the second option, fear and anxiety are replaced by a sense of calm acceptance. It's akin to living in the now. When the mind is silenced you begin to realize that the only thing existing is the present moment. And in that present moment, with a silenced mind, you can perceive Krishna's presence and energy. It takes a deep faith to experience this. If we truly, genuinely believe in Krishna and that Krishna is protecting us and with us, then there is no possibility of fear or anxiety. And even if so-called, seemingly "bad" things happen, we are then able to see it as Krishna's loving arrangement. If the terrorist comes kicking the door in and shooting up the room, we can see how it's really Krishna coming to forcibly take us away, back to Goloka Vrindavan.

It's like Radharadhya said in a comment on one of my posts, when St. Terese saw her coughing up of blood as her Lord and lover embracing her and coming to take her away. It's all about perception and consciousness. The more we surrender to Krishna, the less fear and anxiety we will experience, but the more we hold on to our false ego and our attempts to control the material energy, the more our fear, anxiety and stress will increase.

Visiting the Holy Dhamas

As our trip to Sri Vrindavan Dhama is approaching, I have to stop and reflect on my purpose and my intent in going. It's always been told to me that you can't get to Vrindavan with an airline ticket. It's also been said that you can't see the true Dhama if your heart is impure. If you go with an impure heart, all you will see are pigs, dogs, monkeys, poverty and garbage. In other words, all you will perceive is the external environment.

Vrindavan is in our consciousness and in our hearts. As a neophyte devotee, I find the purifying aspect of visiting the Holy Dhamas to be the most beneficial aspect of making the endeavor to travel. The simple act of traveling is in and of itself an austerity to enter the Dhama. The energy, the time, the money, etc. are all part of the purifying power of traveling to the Dhama.

This is my singular focus in visiting the Dhama: to become purified. We hear this term quite often as devotees, but, just like saying "Haribol", it can become one of those things we don't even think about the deeper implication of what it really means. We're not consciously thinking about it. "Yeah, I need to purify my heart." But what does this purification mean? Ceto-darpana-marjanam. The heart is dirty, just like a mirror covered with dust and dirt and grime. Just as we can't see our self in such a mirror, we can't see our true, spiritual self in our heart when it's contaminated. What are these dirty things covering the heart? Lust, greed, anger, desire for sense gratification, etc. Essentially anything that keeps us from being conscious of Krishna.

I was once talking to my wife about desire and chanting. I was saying that it's so much easier to NOT think of Krishna than TO think of Him. And it seems much easier and natural to do materialistic activities as opposed to devotional activities. I said, "When's the last time you heard someone say, "Ooo, you know what we should totally do?! We should chant like 32 rounds right now! Wouldn't that be awesome?!" No one seems to have that kind of zest, enthusiasm and excitement for devotional activities. Why is that? Because our hearts are full of materialistic desires for sense gratification. We only want the instant gratification. We don't want to work to attain genuine, transcendental happiness and pleasure.

And it comes back to the idea of becoming truly selfless. Selflessness is Vrindavan consciousness, Krishna consciousness. But in our conditioned state it's EXTREMELY hard to appreciate selflessness as genuine pleasure and happiness. In our conditioned state "happiness" means instant gratification of my senses and my desires. It's difficult to change our understanding and perception in this regard.

That's why we MUST cleanse the heart. Srila Prabhupada also gives the example of the person who has jaundice and how they experience the flavor of sweetness and being bitter. In our diseased condition we experience selfless service to Guru, Krishna and the Vaishnavas as being very bitter. But what is the cure for jaundice? To continue eating sweet things. Gradually the sweet flavor begins to come back. So when our hearing and chanting and seva is bitter, we simply have to keep doing it. Gradually we will come to the point where we can actually relish their sweetness.

I know, I know. This sounds like the same old rhetoric and dogma. It's the neophyte parroting what they've heard, but not really understanding or realizing it. I admit that I don't understand it. I know it's what the sastras and the acaryas have told us to do. All I can do is have faith in this process.

We should not enter the Dhama with the intention of enjoyment, neither gross or subtle. The desire for enjoyment should be completely absent. There should be a feeling of surrender and openness to Krishna's presence and desire. We should absorb ourselves in the spiritual, devotionally surcharged atmosphere and environment and take up the Holy Name with great faith and in a deep mood of prayer and desperation for Krishna. This is my goal and purpose for traveling to Sri Vrndavan Dhama.

He Krishna! He Govinda! He Radhe! Please purify my heart and consciousness and allow me to become free of bodily identification and desires for sense gratification! Please free me from the illusion of this material existence and allow me to come closer to You and engage in your eternal, loving service! This kind of desire must be cultivated if we truly want to experience the Holy Dhama and if we truly want to live a peaceful, purposeful, happy and fulfilled life. Visiting the Holy Dhamas is only one part of the devotional process, but if done properly it can be a powerful, transformative experience that has lasting, eternal benefit for our true self.

When Devotees Suffer

I can't stop writing! I thought I was going to end with the previous post, but there are so many thoughts, realizations and reflections going on in my mind. I want to get them all out on the "paper".

Regarding the last post, I was thinking about how suffering comes to us because of our sinful (maya) activities. But then I was thinking about the devotees and considering why sometimes they have to experience seemingly material suffering? For example, just now HH Jayapataka Swami Maharaja is in a hospital in Mumbai after having experienced a serious brain hemorrhage. Of all the souls in the world, why would such a saintly, surrendered Vaishnava devotee of the Lord have to experience such a terrible thing? Here we come back into the sticky, vague, ephemeral, intricate, complex world of karma. Perhaps there just simply isn't any way for us to logically understand it. Perhaps it was the misdeeds of his disciples. Perhaps it was some karmic reaction from something in a previous life. Who are we to understand or comprehend it?

I even think about my own Guru Maharaja and how he had to struggle and suffer with cancer. Why? He was completely surrendered to Srila Prabhupada and Krishna. What was the necessity of him having to experience such physical, mental and emotional trauma? Again, there are no easy answers here.

As a neophyte devotee, it's easy to question, "Well if even staunch, surrendered devotees have to experience this kind of suffering, then why bother trying to be a strict devotee? Why not just enjoy my senses then? After all, suffering is going to come anyway!" But is our intention as devotees really an attempt to end all suffering? Are we like the Buddhists who want to enter into a state of blissful nothingness? No. The goal of the bhakta is not to bring an end to material suffering, but rather to bring pleasure to Krishna.

This sort of consciousness can only be understood in sarangati or complete surrender. "Thy will be done". The true devotee doesn't care about their own suffering or inconvenience. They don't care about their own pleasure or happiness. They only want to serve the devotees and Krishna. They accept material suffering and struggle as Krishna's sweet will. They are not experiencing the karmic results of any sort of misdeed, because they have completely given themselves to the Lord. So where is this suffering coming from? Why does Krishna bring it to them?

It is a very esoteric and deep topic. Only the pure devotee that is experiencing it can really understand or interpret it. It's an individual experience meant for that particular devotee's own internal cultivation. Krishna gives each one of us individualized attention and brings to us what we need in order to come closer to Him. He krishna karuna-sindhu! He is an ocean of mercy and that mercy comes in various forms. To the outsider it may appear that a pure, fully surrendered devotee is suffering just like anyone else, but in reality that devotee is experiencing a deep, internal bliss and connection with Krishna.

I think it was in one of HH Satsvarupa Maharaja's books (or maybe it was one of HG Hari Suari Prabhu's books) where there is this photo of Srila Prabhupada looking extremely grave and sad. He almost looks depressed. Someone asked him why he looked so sad and Srila Prabhupada replied that he wasn't and that at that moment he was experiencing a profound ecstasy. So from our external vision we cannot always understand what's going on within the heart of the pure devotee.

Obviously the suffering of a neophyte is something different. There is still karma to be burned off and sometimes there is still indulgence in sense gratification. But the pure devotees, those who are fully surrendered, they do not suffer like us and we should understand this. Their consciousness is on a different platform and their internal world is something we can't comprehend. We can't let the suffering of these great Vaishnavas weaken our faith or give us doubts about the process of devotional service. When we ourselves come to such a transcendental, purified state of consciousness, we too will understand first hand the overwhelming mercy and ecstasy experienced through such apparent suffering.

Lessons from the Srimad Speeding Ticketvatam

I was just noticing that my blog entires have been slowly dwindling from month to month. I guess that's expected as the end of the school semester comes to and end and the frantic race to complete school work comes bearing down. It's almost over though. Just two more weeks.

I wanted to take this time to reflect on an event that just happened this past Monday night as I was driving home from school. I was pulled over for speeding. I didn't even notice or realize that perhaps I was going over the speed limit. I'm still not sure how I was, but the policeman said he clocked me on his radar. I mean, how can you dispute that? "No you didn't. I'm sure of it. You weren't looking at the radar. In fact, you don't even have a radar gun in your car!" So yeah, I was pretty much screwed. Now I have to make a court appearance in January. It's a whole mess.

After it happened I was trying to understand it from a Krishna Conscious perspective. After all, isn't that what we, as aspiring devotees, are supposed to do, i.e. - see everything as Krishna's arrangement? These were some of the realizations I garnered from the experience:

1. We may do something illegal (a metaphor for sinful activity or "breaking the regs") for an extended period of time without getting in trouble or getting caught (a metaphor for experiencing vikarmic reactions), but eventually the time will come when we have to experience the negative reactions for our activities.

I don't know anyone that follows the speed limit ALL of the time and many of us are guilty for driving well over the speed limit. We think nothing of it, but eventually we're going to get caught in a speed trap or not notice the police car behind us, etc. We may speed not necessarily because we're thrill seekers or because we want to break the law, but we may just be thinking, "I really need to get where I'm going quickly" or we may just be driving at a comfortable speed which isn't necessarily the speed limit.

The fact is, we're not thinking about the law, we're just thinking about OUR SELVES and what we want. "I want to drive fast or at whatever speed I want, so therefore I will!" It's a conscious choice. We all know speeding is against the law, but we don't consider it. We don't think we'll ever be that poor sap pulled over on the side of the road. But sooner or later we'll see the flashing lights in our rearview mirror and think, "Crap." It's karma coming to get us.

In the same way, we may think we can go on doing sinful, sense gratificatory (I know that's not a word. I just made it up!) activity and never have to experience the negative results, but eventually it's going to catch up with us. Sometimes as devotees we can look at the so-called karmis or materialists and think, "Well gee, that guy owns a meat shop, but he's got millions of dollars, he's handsome, he's got a beautiful wife and wonderful children, he's never sick, things are always going his way, etc., so why isn't he suffering like me? Or why are some devotees suffering more than him?" But the fact is this person WILL have to suffer, just perhaps not at this present moment in time. Karma is one of those subtle things that's sometimes hard to understand, even though as devotees we think, "Oh yeah, karma, I know what that is." All of our activities are building up a karmic bank account. Sooner or later we'll cash in on it, whether it's negative (vikarma) or positive (karma).

2. The other realization I was thinking about was the topic of choice. We all have the freedom to choose our thoughts and actions. I was making a choice (albeit perhaps an unconscious one) to drive over the speed limit. I can't blame anyone for getting a ticket except myself. It was in my hands, in my control. This goes back to karma and the quality of our lives. Sometimes we like to complain about our circumstances, but we're the ones who have created them! Such irony! Every time we choose not to chant our rounds, not to read the sastras, not to worship the Deities or choose to watch TV or watch a movie or listen to karmi music or break a regulative principle, etc., every time we make these choices there will be an investment into our karmic bank account. There will also be an affect on our consciousness, which will affect our perception of the world and ultimately our quality of life. Every moment we're making choices and decisions to influence our reality, yet we're not always aware of the seriousness or consequences our actions have. This goes back to us not really, truly understanding the laws of karma.

If we continually choose maya over Krishna, then we can't complain when the suffering comes. We can't complain when seemingly bad things happen to us. Karma is, as the Beatles sang, "gonna hit you right in the face". How can we be shocked when our lives become full of suffering and misery, both physically and mentally? It's a science. If I choose to speed, the consequence will be that I get a ticket and have to pay fines, go to court, etc. If I choose sinful activity (maya) over Krishna Conscious, devotional activities, then I will have to suffer the three-fold pangs of material existence.

Anyway, this is turning into a dissertation and I really should be studying for a quiz that I'm supposed to be taking in an hour. But as you can see, there are no limits to the lessons learned from the Srimad Speeding Ticketvatam. I could easily go on with other points, but like I said, this is already too long and I have work to do. As Tim Gunn would say, "Carry on".

Without Love

Yesterday I was listening to a lecture by His Divine Grace Srila Gour Govinda Swami Maharaja in which he was mentioning how Krishna only accepts the love in our service and that if there is no love, Krishna doesn't accept it. It made me feel very despondent, because I have no love for Krishna. Even the service I perform for our Deities is devoid of love. It's mechanical and routine, like brushing my teeth and making the bed. Even the service I rendered to my Guru Maharaja was devoid of love. I did it because it seemed like that's what I was supposed to be doing as a brahmacari, but I never served him with love. I was always annoyed or tired or stressed or ungrateful. It was an emotionally and physically demanding service, one in which my consciousness was never in the right place.

One time in New Vrndavan, my Guru Maharaja and I were in his room there. I can't remember the details of what we were doing (perhaps he was dictating email responses), but suddenly, out of nowhere, he said to me, "You're problem is that you're so damn selfish. Even now you're doing service in a grudging mood, just thinking about when it's going to be over". I was taken aback by not only his blunt honesty, but the accuracy in his assessment of my consciousness.

How can we develop love for Krishna? It's like I mentioned some reflections back, it comes through serving Krishna's pure devotees. It cannot be received directly. In the spiritual world, Goloka Vrndavan, the highest aspiration is not to directly serve Krishna, but rather to serve the servants of Krishna. We can only know Krishna through his devotees, through the Vaishnavas. Krishna's presence, mercy, compassion and love manifest through them. Krishna is reflected in the mirror of their hearts.

So why can't I serve the devotees? Why do I have no desire to serve the devotees? Because there is no love in my heart. Only lust is there; only selfish desires and reflections. I think, "Why would I want to serve someone else? Why would I want to go out of my way to do something for someone else? What will I get out of it? That won't make me happy!" And I think back to my service to my Guru Maharaja. I was never happy as his personal servant. I couldn't appreciate it. I just always felt like he was pushing me and expecting too much of me. So when this topic comes up, the topic of selfless service, I can't wrap my head around it. I can't understand how that's supposed to make me happy.

And then "BAM!", there it is, there is the answer: it's because there is no love! Without love there is no selfless service and there is no joy and happiness in serving someone else! When we genuinely love someone, we'll do anything for them, because we just want to make them happy. When there's no love it's easy to think, "Meh...they'll be okay if I don't do this thing for them" or "I don't want to do that for them, because I won't get anything out of it!"

And then it makes me think about love in the material world and how it's related to addiction. We all know love in the material world becomes transformed into lust and when there is lust, there is something almost like an addiction. When we become lusty for sex or money or fame or wealth or whatever, there's an incessant meditation and reflection on the goal of desire. We can't stop thinking about it and we're willing to go through any austerity to attain it. It's like when Bilvamangala Thakur went through an intense storm in the dead of night to meet Cintamani the prostitute and she said to him, "If you had as much devotion to Krishna as you have to me, you would be a pure devotee!" or something to that effect.

The fact is we all have those things in our lives that are our addictions; those things in which we've reposed our love and devotion. And we do it because they bring us happiness and pleasure. By nature the soul is pleasure seeking (ananda-mayo bhasyat), so it's no wonder we run after sense gratification. Sense pleasure is a guaranteed instant fix for our depression and suffering. Having a bad day? Well why not go shopping or have sex or masturbate or listen to some music or watch some TV or watch a movie or drink some wine or do some drugs? Because we know these things will bring some sense of pleasure and happiness, but it never lasts and it always makes us feel empty.

So back to the question at hand: how do I develop a desire to serve the devotees? How can I see that their happiness and their satisfaction is my greatest pleasure? It takes such a pure heart to think in this way. If we're serious about developing love for Krishna, then we MUST develop love for the devotees. There's no question of loving and serving Krishna without it. I wish I could have loved my Guru Maharaja while I was personally serving him. I wish I hadn't always been so selfish and self absorbed...but it's so hard to stop the mind. It's so hard to stop thinking about our own problems, our own stress, our own worries, our own desires, our own happiness, our own struggles. If we could just stop thinking about ourselves (and this is something my Guru Maharaja used to always tell me), then we would truly become happy. I'm longing for that day when I can lay my self absorption to rest and focus on nothing more than loving and serving Krishna and His devotees.

Devotee or Demon?

Why is it so difficult to be Krishna Conscious? I mean, genuinely Krishna Conscious, like completely surrendered to Krishna and thinking of Him constantly. Our minds find so many diversions and distractions and our senses are constantly pulling us to enjoy in various ways. We're completely in the thick of it, absorbed in our mental schemes for material happiness.

One of the most frustrating things for me is transposing or translating devotional, Krishna Conscious experiences into everyday, ordinary living. For example, the last time we went to Sri Vrndavan Dhama I felt so exhilarated and spiritually surcharged while there. I was enthused to be a devotee and eager to hear and chant. Then after our time there was over and we came back to our everyday existence, my spiritual enthusiasm was gone. I went right back into a materialistic consciousness and right back into the daily grind of work, school and sense enjoyment.

So why won't those powerful, devotional experiences stick? Why aren't they transformative to a point that it carries over into my everyday life? Why is it I feel Krishna Conscious in the Holy Dhamas, but not Krishna Conscious when I'm at work? It all has to do with association. Association nourishes our desires. Of course while being in the Dhama one will feel a deeper, stronger sense of Krishna Consciousness, because one is associating with devotees at every turn! While on the flip side, if I'm at work I'm associating with meat eaters, alcohol drinkers, sex mongers, etc. who are interested in nothing more than sense gratification and materialistic desires. So why would I be inspired or enthused to chant or perform devotional service in their company?

It's just so difficult. We can't control our association in the reality of work and school. I mean, sure, we could just renounce it all and move into a temple, but if one is a "family guy" with responsibilities and dependents, it's not so easy to just say, "Let's give it all up and just worship Krishna in the temple." There has to somehow be a balance and that balance is so elusive. It actually makes me feel schizophrenic at times, living these two dual lives, two dual identities. When I'm at the temple or with devotees then I'm a devotee, but when I'm at work or school I'm just some artist guy with a family. It's hard to maintain a sense of being a devotee in non-devotional environments. So it's like I live in two different, opposing worlds where I have two opposing personalities.

So how can I just be a devotee all of the time? How can I maintain a sense of enthusiasm for the devotional process all of the time? How can I be eager to chant and hear about Krishna all of the time, even when in those non-devotional environments? I don't know. I don't have the answers. All I have is a sense of hopelessness. In this Kali-yuga our only means of salvation and hope is through mercy. The mercy of Sri Sri Guara-Nitai and the mercy of Sri Guru. It's all about the mercy. We have no ability, no qualification, no strength to overcome maya. It's only through mercy that we can attain Krishna Consciousness. Therefore I beg for the mercy of the most merciful Sri Nityananda Prabhu. His mercy descends to us through the agency of Sri Guru, the bonafide representative of Krishna. We must seek out such a Guru and beg for his mercy and serve him without duplicity. That is our only chance of knowing Krishna and becoming genuinely Krishna Conscious. Otherwise, left to our own devices, we will never become Krishna Conscious. We will fluctuate between devotional and material aspirations, tossed back and forth between our higher and lower desires and constantly pondering the question, "Am I a devotee or a demon?"

When Krishna is Hiding

Sometimes I have those days where I just don't feel Krishna Conscious. I may serve our Deities, listen to a lecture by Srila Gour Govinda Maharaja or to a bhajan and yet I find my mind completely disinterested or distracted. I don't really chant japa all that much anymore, but when I did on a regular, daily basis I would also encounter this mechanical, distracted sort of mind frame. Sometimes we experience a taste for devotional activities and yet at other times we find ourselves struggling to chant or to be in a Krishna Conscious mindset.

There's a wonderful purport in the Bhagavad-gita where Srila Prabhupada likens devotional service in the beginning stages to military service:

"The Lord instructs that one has to become fully Krsna conscious to discharge duties, as if in military discipline. Such an injunction may make things a little difficult; nevertheless duties must be carried out, with dependence on Krsna, because that is the constitutional position of the living entity." (BG 3.30)

So in other words, we have to practice vaidhi-bhakti by following the regulative principles and our initiation vows even though we might not want to! So much easier said than done. It's so easy to be captured by maya and to become lazy and to find so many excuses.

Obviously living outside of the temple there are so many more obligations and duties that aren't directly related to devotional service. So it makes it a little more difficult to maintain a strict sadhana. But at least something should be done, right? I feel like at least we have our Deities which provide me a daily seva, but there's still a sense of lacking. I know I should really chant japa more often, but it's hard to find the motivation. Like I said above, even when I was chanting on a daily basis while living in the temple I had those moments where there was no taste and no interest. There were those days where it didn't seem to matter if I chanted or not, because my consciousness and my heart weren't transforming. Did I lose faith in chanting?

I don't know what it is, but I just feel very empty today. It feels like a slight depression, like I have no motivation or interest for anything. I just feel like sleeping. Anyway, I have to keep moving. On to my next class for the next five hours and then the hour drive home. I just feel so tired.

Looking for Krishna

I've had this idea for a blog entry for the past couple of months now (and it's this event that was one of the reasons I actually wanted to start a devotional blog). One time when I logged out of MySpace I saw the below screen:


I thought it was a humorous reminder of Krishna's presence: "Looking for Krishna?" Krishna is everywhere and in all circumstances and experiences. Curious to see what I would find by searching for Krishna through that link, one of the things I found was this:


Hare Krishna reading glasses? I like the line, "As you chant everything becomes perfect and clear"! Hah! Such irony all in one moment from logging out of MySpace.

This event made me start to reflect on how Krishna is always present with us, it's just that we're not always with Krishna. In other words, just because we're not conscious of Krishna's presence doesn't mean that He stops existing. His existence and omnipresence is independent of our realization of it.

It's so easy to forget about Krishna. There's so many ways to do it and it comes so naturally to us as conditioned souls. Television, sex, intoxication, pornography, shopping, work, school, video games, music, books, movies, gossip, physical health, bodily comfort, sports, hobbies, etc. The list could go on and on and become more and more specific and detailed according to our particular personalities and dispositions. The point is we've all found ways to become fully absorbed in the illusion that we are these material bodies and material personalities.

Through the gradual process of conditioning from the point of our birth we've assimilated our selves into the material, physical world. A baby has to learn how to be in this physical body again; how it moves, how to control it, what is pleasurable, what is painful, etc. By the time we're small children it's all over - we believe ourselves to be this physical body and mind. And not only are we fighting the conditioning from this life, but the conditioning from the many millions of births we've already taken.

Just like Pavlov's dog we are conditioned to respond to the sensory stimulus around us. We are driven by our senses and our mind, unaware and unconscious of our eternal, spiritual nature and unaware of Krishna's presence. How unfortunate we've become! Yet because of our conditioning we stay comfortable in our ignorance, comfortable in our suffering, because it's all we know and we accept it as real because our material senses tell us it is.

As aspiring Vaishnava's we must cultivate the practice of looking for Krishna everywhere and in everything. Not just the good things, but even the bad. It takes moments of quietude and reflection to feel this presence. It takes a settling in to the now, to the moment. When the mind becomes still and the past and future fall away, in that space we can see Krishna smiling. As we become more and more receptive to Krishna's presence, He reaches out to us through the material energy (just as recently happened to my wife when He gave her one of Prabhupada's books in the most unusual and unexpected of ways). There are those events that cannot be taken as coincidence or accident.

One time, while in the post office waiting in line, I looked down on the floor and saw a picture of Sri Nathaji starring back at me! It was a small, little card with a picture of Sri Nathaji on it. What were the odds? Sometimes Krishna even speaks through people in our environment, even though they're not devotees. The fact is, and this is the point I'm trying to make, is that Krishna is EVERYWHERE and AT ALL TIMES! He simply hides from us, because it's our desire to try and enjoy separately from Him. We want the distractions, we want the maya, because it gives us some sense of happiness and pleasure. We're ignorant to the true happiness, bliss and peace that comes from constantly being in touch with Krishna.

Gurudeva, without your mercy I fear that I will remain in my conditioned state. I fear I will forever be addicted to sense gratification. Krishna's illusory energy is so powerful that I don't know how to overcome it. It's only by your causeless mercy that I will have any chance of becoming free from my bodily identification and desires for sense gratification. I cannot keep my mind fixed on Krishna and therefore I fall into the duality of happiness and distress in this material world. How will I ever come to the state of seeing Krishna always and everywhere in every situation and every circumstance? It is only through your mercy, Gurudeva. Please give me your mercy so that I may have some hope on this path of devotional service.

The Great Harinama Sankirtan Debate

Well, it's not really a debate, because I'm not disagreeing that harinama sankirtan is an important form of preaching and spreading Krishna Consciousness. After all, chanting the Holy Name is the yuga-dharma and Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu Himself propagated love of God through sankirtan.I guess the "debate" becomes: are there other valid and bona fide ways of preaching and sharing Krishna Consciousness with others? Just based on the results that my beloved Guru Maharaja gained, I would unequivocally agree that it's completely possible to bring jivas to the path of bhakti via other avenues of preaching than just harinama sankirtan and book distribution.

The first step in effective preaching is rapport. When someone trusts us they become comfortable with us. When they become comfortable with us they become more receptive to our thoughts, ideas and beliefs. When that kind of field is created, there is a conducive environment for Krishna Consciousness to be planted and cultivated. That kind of rapport begins by us just being decent, humble and kind humans. There's a certain calm and peace that people can perceive by being around devotees.

Anyway, it could be said that maybe I'm making this all too complex and abstract, but for me it's just a natural way of thinking and being. It could also be said that maybe I'm just trying to find ways to justify my lack of direct preaching through harinama sankirtan and book distribution, but I don't feel that's a fair assessment. I would gladly do these things if the opportunity presented itself.

In reality, there can't be effective preaching without effective sadhana. And I don't claim to be fixed in my sadhana at all. So for me, I really don't even consider pro-active preaching activities. I don't feel fixed enough in my own sadhana and my own consciousness to be trying to persuade or convince others that they should practice devotional service. I'm more of an accidental preacher.

The Trolley Preacher

Thursday morning I had to park at the East campus parking lot at Kean, because the main lot was full. When you do this you have two choices: walk a long distance to the main campus or wait for a trolley/shuttle to drive you there. Having once walked and experiencing first hand the misery of the trek, I decided to wait for the shuttle. The first five minutes of the shuttle were uneventful. Students chatting, some sitting in silence, starring out the window. Then all of a sudden a black, West African woman starting talking really loud.

At first I thought she was talking on her phone, but then I realized she didn't have a phone, nor one of those wireless earpieces. And then I finally could understand what she was talking about: how Jesus is our salvation and the only way to God. She started talking louder and louder and becoming more passionate and fiery. You could feel a collective uneasiness and tension on the trolley. Some people just fazed her out and continued talking to their friends. I sat there starring at her and listening to what she was saying. It was the same old born again type of rhetoric and propaganda. At one point I wanted to say: "So then all of the Muslims, Jews and Hindus are going to hell? What kind of God is that?" But I couldn't do it.

And then it got me thinking: why can't I have that kind of passion for telling others about Krishna? Sure, preaching on a trolley by loudly telling everyone, "Krishna loves you! You're not your material body! You're an eternal spirit soul! You're just serving your senses and becoming more and more entangled in the cycle of birth and death! Give up your selfish, material desires and just serve Krishna!" I would probably look like a loon and no one would take me seriously. So obviously it's not the most effective form of preaching or sharing Krishna Consciousness, but I had to appreciate this woman's conviction, devotion and passion.

Perhaps the problem is that I don't have that kind of conviction? Perhaps I don't feel that sense of urgency to share Krishna with others because I myself am not fully convinced of the process? I don't know. I don't feel like that much of a doubtful, faithless agnostic, but maybe there's some connection as to why I don't feel the need to actively "preach". One of my dear god brothers said to me, "What is preaching? What does that even mean anymore?" when I had told him of a dream I had in which we were preaching together. And it's a good question. What is preaching in this 21st century?

Do we really need to go out into the streets performing kirtan and distributing books? Is that even the most effective way to share Krishna Consciousness with others? Or does it make us look like the trolley preacher, loudly proclaiming the glory of God, but everyone looking at us like we're crazy and unable to relate to practical reality? Is it better to "preach" as a devotee just by being a decent, humble and service oriented person? And then if people become receptive we then share deeper aspects of Krishna Conscious philosophy and practice? To me that seems the more effective way of going rather than stirring up people's collective consciousness stereotypes of the Hare Krishna's as fanatical, robed cult members who pass out roses in airports.

Perhaps that way of preaching, i.e. - the preaching style and method of the late 60's, 70's and 80's was also related to desa-kala-patra or time, place and circumstance. In other words, what worked then won't necessarily work now. Can't we adapt our methods of sharing Krishna Consciousness without diluting or altering the essential principles and message? I believe we can and I believe it's inevitable that we constantly have to come up with creative ways of sharing Krishna Consciousness. Being in the line of my beloved Guru Maharaja, HH Bhakti Tirtha Swami Maharaja, he was all about the spiritual espionage; finding unconventional and "sneaky" ways of getting others to accept and practice bhakti-yoga. How glorious is this kind of preaching.

I feel that as devotees we have a duty to share Krishna with others. In a sense we have to "pay it forward" (I hate that term, but it's applicable and necessary). We have to give back what Srila Prabhupada gave to us. He went through so much austerity and inconvenience (from a material perspective) to bring us Krishna. How can we ignore or deny it? How can we be so callous and hard-hearted that we don't care or bother to carry on his legacy? We all just have to find our own little way of spreading Krishna Consciousness, just as the tiny spiders and chipmunks were tossing their tiny stones into the bridge that Sri Ramacandra built to Lanka. We have to make that kind of humble offering.

I'm sure I won't stand up on the trolley next week and start belting out the prayers to the Six Goswamis, but perhaps I can be more conscious of the opportunities to share with others the benefits of vegetarianism, yoga, restraint from intoxication, the need for spiritual awareness, etc. And of course the more conviction and faith I develop in the process of Krishna Consciousness the more I will be enthused and able to share it, thereby pleasing my Guru Maharaja, Srila Prabhupada and ultimately Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu.

Attack of the Migraines

This past Friday I suffered a terrible migraine. I always see flashing, sparkling lights in the form of blindspots before the actual migraine itself kicks in. Once I see the lights I know bad things are ahead. I'll generally lay down and upon waking up will have a terrible, stabbing headache and intense nauseau, so much so that it usually makes me throw up.

Even just talking about it now is making me feel anxious. I feel like I'm living with the fear of not knowing when or where it will strike again. And there's nothing I can do about it. Total lack of control. I've tried to find triggers in the past, but everytime I think I've found what triggers it and I avoid that thing, I still get another migraine. I currently think it's when I have too many late nights and early mornings in a row and over an extended period of time (which is pretty much how this entire semester is going to be!). I actually told myself that after this last attack I would go to the doctor, but that creates even more anxiety, because many of the anti-migraine medications have a long list of side effects and rare (but possible) serious side effects, such as heart attacks and not enough blood to the heart, etc. Although I guess a heart attack would be the ultimate solution to a migraine!

I don't know. I hate living in this fear and anxiety. I feel like I haven't been myself the past few days since it happened. I feel so depressed and morose, like there's no hope and no solution to this problem. It's also making me feel very edgy and short tempered.

I know this is a test from Guru and Krishna. Are we only Krishna Conscious when everything is going "good" and going our way? Or do we fold and lose our faith when our material circumstances become difficult or adverse? I admit to having a tendency to want to run to sense gratification whenever I'm suffering in some way. I think we all do. It's human instinct and nature to seek pleasure and avoid pain.

Now more than ever I am realizing that I am in Guru and Krishna's hands. The lack of control I have over my migraines is forcing me to surrender to whatever Krishna desires. It's Krishna's will. No material solution, i.e. - migraine medication, is going to work if Krishna doesn't allow it. Why do we foolishly search for temporary, material solutions to our problems? Of course we have to take care of the physical body, but not at the expense of our devotional, Krishna consciousness. But when avoiding pain and trying to find solutions to our material discomfort become our primary focus and the center of our consciousness, then we lose our self to the illusion of bodily concerns and identification.

I take a deep breath. The anxiety is still oppressive and hanging over me. I feel like I just want to lay down. After all, when you're unconcious things are so much easier to deal with! What I really need to do is steer my focus elsewhere. I need to stop thinking about my body and stop worrying about how I'm going to solve the migraine problem. I need to stay absorbed in the now, absorbed in Krishna's presence.

Despondency in Krishna Consciousness

Sometimes the odds seem so overwhelming. Sometimes the philosophy of Krishna Consciousness seems so difficult to apply in the "real world". Here we are, conditioned souls, faced with the task of becoming completely selfless and surrendered to Krishna. Sometimes Krishna seems so far away, so unattainable. I remember many a time at Gita-nagari crying in frustration and hopelessness of ever becoming a genuine devotee.

Often during my travels to and from school I'll listen to lectures by HDG Srila Gour Govinda Swami Maharaja. Sometimes they're uplifting, sometimes they're confusing and sometimes it's hard for me to focus on them. But this morning I was listening to a lecture in which he was explaining how Krishna becomes mad for Radharani's love. It all of a sudden struck me: Krishna is a person! Of course not a person like you and I, but a person in the sense of having a personality and being an actual, living being (albeit the Supreme Being and source of all existence!).

I know it may sound like one of those yeah-so-what-you-just-now-realized-that kind of realization, but it was deep and profound. Often we think of Krishna (well, if we even think of Him at all!) as being impersonal, distant, aloof, mythical, imaginary, make-believe, irrelevant, etc. But He's not! He's a real person with thoughts, feelings, emotions, characteristics, etc. and we can relate with Him as a person in a personal relationship! Again, this may sound like, "Yeah...that's kind of the philosophy there, Jayadeva. Where have you been?!" But to actually realize it and reflect on this point is very profound.

Krishna is our dear most friend, our dear most lover, our dear most child, our dear most master. He wants to have a loving, personal relationship with us. And our satisfaction comes from serving Him and increasing His pleasure by making arrangements for Him to experience Radharani's love and personal characteristics.

I was also reflecting on how we experience so much trouble with sex desire here in this material world. This is the greatest pleasure in the material realm. And why is that so? It's because it's a reflection of that madness, that love that Krishna feels for Radharani and that Radharani feels for Krishna. Real love, real prema is so powerful. We experience that perverted reflection here in the material world by our lusty desires towards the opposite sex (or sometimes even the same sex or both sexes). Our minds naturally gravitate towards thoughts of sexually enjoyment when we see a physically attractive person. This attraction is, in principle, the attraction that Krishna feels for Radharani, but in a distorted form. Here we're thinking about our own enjoyment, our own sense gratification, but in the spiritual realm, in Goloka Vrndavan, everyone is thinking of the pleasure of Krishna. Krishna is thinking how to please Radharani and Radharani is thinking how to please Krishna. They are controlled by each other's love.

Sometimes that love, that level of devotion, seems so far away. Here we are struggling with lusty desires and material desires, absorbed in our bodily identification and our selfish, mental meditations. We have no interest in chanting and hearing about Krishna. We have no interest in associating with sadhus or reading the sastras. All we are interested in is squeezing out a little sense gratification and trying to get some material comfort. It's a sad state of affairs.

Anyway, my battery is about to die and I have no outlet nearby, so I'll have to end this reflection here.

Honesty in Krishna Consciousness

Once my Guru Maharaja said to me in an email that my honesty was a good quality. I was always very frank and honest with him, more so in the later years of our communication. He knew my weaknesses and knew I wasn't always able to follow my initiation vows. I was never delusional about that fact either, like, "Oh, my Guru Maharaja doesn't know I'm not chanting my rounds. I'll just pretend and tell him I am!" What would be the point of that? The only one I would be deluding would be myself.

I think sometimes as devotees we're afraid to be honest, because it means we may be seen in a negative light by others. We may be perceived as not as wonderful and devotional in the eyes of other, more "fixed up" devotees. But why should we worry about what other people think of us? Especially when those people may also have their own issues that they just don't put on public display? The fact is we're all struggling in Krishna Consciousness. Just because we don't talk about it doesn't mean it's not happening. Perhaps if we DID talk about our struggles more open and honestly, there would be greater healing and progress on the path of devotion. I think many times devotees don't want to talk about their struggles because they're afraid of that condemnation or ridicule from others.

Of course honesty has to come with humility and regret. We could be honest and say, "Yeah, I don't follow the regs, I don't chant and I watch tons of television, but whatever...at least I'm honest about it!" Stagnation and complacency in devotional service are dangerous impediments. We have to feel a genuine sense of remorse, "I can't meet this standard of devotional service. I wish I wasn't so fallen. I wish I could be more fixed in my sadhana and my vows." At the same time we shouldn't be driven by guilt. We don't want our actions in Krishna Consciousness to be guilt-based, i.e. - that we're only doing things because we'd feel guilty otherwise. Guilt has no place in devotional service. It's a negative and destructive emotion. Rather it's genuine humility that we must cultivate.

Being honest means being able to evaluate our level of devotion and surrender in an unbiased way. If we're honest with ourselves we can know where we are weak and what we need to work on. If we're not honest with ourselves, then we'll think that we're better than everyone else and that we have no faults and are never wrong. This type of delusional thinking is nothing more than an action of the false ego. We want to feel some sense of pride, value, importance or worth and if we make mistakes and aren't perfect then we can't feel this power. But pride is also a great stumbling block on the path of devotion. Just look at what happened to Indra.

Sure I watch television and movies, I listen to non-devotional music, I rarely chant my rounds, I read non-devotional books and magazines, etc., so does all of that make me not a devotee? I would say it makes me more of a fourth-class devotee. I still have faith in Srila Prabhupada, my Guru Maharaja and the process of devotional service, but I just know that I'm too weak, too materially attached and too full of lust and sex desire to fully surrender to Guru and Krishna. It is my own weakness and my own anarthas that keep me from the deeper, higher realizations of Krishna Consciousness. There is no fault in the process, the only fault is in my self. It's like being an alcoholic and not wanting to admit that you need help, even though you know you've got a problem. You still want to cling to the bottle, because it's comforting and stress relieving. You feel like if you give it up, then what will you be left with? Sometimes I feel that: what if I totally surrender to Krishna, then how will I enjoy my senses and my material existence? It sometimes feel so hopeless that I'll ever be able to fully surrender, but it's late and that's a reflection best left for another post.

Tamo Guna Humor

I recently had the great (dis)pleasure of watching the film "Grandma's Boy". It was produced by Adam Sandler and if anyone knows Adam Sandler's repertoire of work, you pretty much know what you're getting into with "Grandma's Boy". I won't go into a lengthy review about the film, but what it did was spark a realization in me about the current trend of comedy films such "Napoleon Dynamite", Ben Stiller movies, Adam Sandler movies, Will Ferrell movies, David Spade movies, etc. The humor in these films is so low consciousness. It's why when after you're done watching one you feel sort of "moded out", as the devotees would say. You feel the sense of density and dullness. Of course there are sometimes funny moments in these kind of films, but the laughs are far and few between and the majority of the time is spent in the awareness of how stupid and ridiculous they are.

Association happens not only on the physical level, but it happens on the subtle level as well. This is also the great "danger" of listening to so-called "karmi music". These sound vibrations create impressions within our consciousness and add fuel to our self-centered, materialistic desires. What we associate with, we become. This is also why the Acaryas stress the importance of sadhu-sanga (if I were a great scholar and pundit I would add some sastric evidence here!). Through the association of more advanced Vaishnavas we develop faith, determination and enthusiasm in devotional service. Our bhakti creeper is fortified and nourished.

So why are these types of low-brow humor comedy movies so popular in today's society? It seems like an indication of the collective consciousness on this planet...which is frightening. There is a pervasive sense of ignorance and passion in the world, which is really nothing new or shocking. Passion and ignorance are the way of the conditioned jivas. These movies are so stimulating to such persons because they are relating to the energy, the consciousness. After all, in reality we are nothing more than spiritual energy. Everything is energy, vibrating and oscillating at various rates.

Anyway, if this were a movie review I'd say don't waste your valuable time watching "Grandma's Boy", but we all know as devotees we're not watching mundane movies anyway, right? Hmm...that just gave me an idea for a future post: honesty in Krishna Consciousness.

Out of Wine. Life is Crap.

That's what the woman's shirt said yesterday at work. It was a pink t-shirt with an illustrated chalkboard sign next to an empty wine glass. On the sign it said "Out of wine." Underneath that there was a handwritten font that said "Life is crap."

I had to laugh in my head at the absurdity of the t-shirt's frank boldness. It also made me wonder about the character of the woman wearing the shirt. Does she really think life is crap without wine? Was it simply tongue in cheek? As it's said, there's always some truth in our joking.

Taking the message of this shirt in a literal way it's saying, "Without being constantly intoxicated, life is miserable and unbearable". The frightening and sad thing is that so many people have this type of mindset, if not in an overtly way than in their psyche. We need some type of intoxication, (which can manifest in a variety of sense gratifying activities from drugs to sex to shopping) in order to feel some sense of happiness, joy and satisfaction in life. It's the completely materialistic conception of life, i.e. - that the purpose of life is simply to pursue sense gratification. This is the ultimate goal of the materialistic person.

When I was looking for that above image, I found out that there is a company called "Life is Crap".

http://lifeiscrap.shop.musictoday.com/Default.aspx

They make all kind of t-shirts and accessories on the theme of when and why life is "crap". The themes are essentially when bad things happen to us. From a Krishna Conscious perspective we could look at this website and realize that life is not "crap" because bad things happen to us, rather bad things happen to us because of our past and current vikarma. And the only thing that makes us perceive these things as being "crap" is our mind. From a perspective of transcendence one can understand, "These things are happening to me from my previous misdeeds. They are simply happening as a reaction. All I can do is tolerate them." Of course a devotee wouldn't be running out of wine and thinking this! But as aspiring devotees seemingly bad things happen to us and our loved ones all of the time: illness, loss of money, loss of business, accidents, etc.

These events in and of themselves are not "crap", rather it's our crappy consciousness that makes them appear as "crap". (Wow...there's a lot of crap in this post!) It's all about how we perceive and codify the events in our lives. There's really nothing "good" or "bad" happening to us, but it's our minds that codify it as such.

It always comes back to the Avanti brahmana. You want to talk about life being crap! He had people taunting him, stealing his stuff, hitting him on the head, even farting and spitting on him and peeing on his food on a daily basis! Most of us would not be able to endure what he was experiencing, but never once did he say, "Life is crap!" Rather he understood his transcendental position as a spiritual being and could realize that everything he was experiencing was simply the three modes of material nature acting as a result of his past karma. This is the consciousness we're after! This is genuine Krishna Consciousness! Not the type of consciousness that says, "Oh, I don't have this, I don't have that, this bad thing happened, etc., so therefore my life is crap!" The only reason we should lament is because we're not genuinely Krishna Conscious. Now there's a t-shirt for you:

No Krishna Consciousness. Life is crap.

Moments of Illness

We all know this material world is a place of suffering. We've all experienced it first hand: birth, death, disease and old age. It's relentless and overwhelming at times. The so-called happiness we experience is nothing more than a momentary cessation of the constant suffering we endure. Happiness and distress are constantly moving and shifting, like the waves coming and going on a beach.

I'm currently experiencing some illness, which I've self diagnosed as a "head and chest cold". I seem to always be prone to sinus infections. Why is that when we're experiencing sickness, it feels as if there will be no end and no relief from it? Yet when we're healthy, we forget the misery of sickness and can't remember ever being ill? It seems no matter which condition we're in, we forget about the former.


This is nothing more than illusion. When asked what the most astonishing thing about life is, Yuddhistira Maharaja exclaimed that it was even though a person sees his father die and his grandfather die and his great grandfather die, etc., that he still thinks, "I will never die!" We live our daily lives either ignoring or denying the fact of death, the fact of this temporary nature of our present existence and experience. Just as this sickness comes without warning, so too will death come.

I like to look at illness as an opportunity to connect deeper with spiritual truths, to apply the philosophy into our practical experience. My dear god brother HH Bhakti Dhira Damodara Swami once told me that illness is Krishna's mercy, because it is purifying us, burning off bad karma, and accelerating our progress towards Krishna's lotus feet. Sometimes it's difficult to appreciate this kind of realization when one is suffering intensely, both physically and mentally. But as aspiring devotees it is our duty to perceive suffering in this way, even if we can't genuinely appreciate the sufferings like Queen Kunti did. We are not so advanced to pray for the suffering and calamities to come, but we can be advanced enough to at least theoretically understand them as Krishna's mercy and to use them to intensify our devotion and focus on Krishna Conscious philosophy.

It is inevitable that my current illness will in time pass. It is also inevitable that my healthy state will also pass yet again. As Krishna advises Arjuna in the Bhagavad-gita, we must simply tolerate the appearance of happiness and distress, just as the passing of the seasons. This state of equipoise and transcendence echoes the consciousness of the Avanti brahmana. It is a full awareness of the Self as distinct from the experiences of the mind and senses. It is this type of awareness or Krishna Consciousness that we must aspire for. Otherwise our devotional practices are all for show. If we're not experiencing a genuine transformation of consciousness and of the heart, then what is the value of even calling myself a devotee?

Gurudeva, please give me this ability and vision to remain equipoised in happiness and distress. Please allow me to never forget Krishna, even amidst the greatest sufferings or the greatest pleasures. This material world is transitory and ephemeral. Please allow me to remain fixed in my true Self and to never lose focus of the goal, which is unconditional love for Krishna, for that is the only goal which will end all suffering.

Daily Life as Seva

Sometimes it seems when we hear brahmacaris or sannyasis talk about Krishna Consciousness, there's a disconnect and lack of sensitivity to the everyday reality faced by those living outside of the temple or who are in the grhasta ashram. After all, they're spending their everyday directly preaching, serving the Deities, taking prasadam, etc. and not having to worry about credit card bills, gas prices, work, school, scheduling, children, etc. Their life is one of full dedication and absorption in devotional service, whereas for the grhasta it can be a struggle to remember Krishna in the midst of so much material distraction. It can also be difficult to see one's "daily grind" of work, school and family life as being connected to devotional service.

This morning I was reflecting on how my daily life is my austerity, it is my seva or service to Guru and Krishna. Getting myself ready in the morning, the 2-hour commute back and forth from school three times a week, getting my daughter ready in the morning, taking her to school, going to work, picking my daughter up, doing school work, etc. All of these things are my service. It's simply our consciousness that determines if it's mundane or transcendental. When Krishna is at the center and is the conscious focus of one's activities and life, then everything one does is an act of devotional service (of course within the parameters of Vedic rules and regulations).

So we have to begin to see everything that we're doing as service towards the greater goal of becoming Krishna Conscious. Of course it's not that easy to just say it and it happens. There has to be constant reflection and use of intelligence and also sadhu-sanga and study of the sastras. By slow and steady progress we become Krishna Conscious, not overnight. And I admit to the difficult nature of always remembering Krishna, especially when you're in the thick of maya at work or school. I can go all day at work and not think of Krishna once and then when I'm leaving and getting in my car I realize, "Wow...I didn't think of Krishna at all while I was working!" It's depressing at times, but at least I'm aware of the problem.

Gurudeva, please bless me with the ability to always see Krishna constantly at every moment, in every experience and in every situation. Without that vision I will surely be swept away by the powerful waves of illusion.

Lessons of the Avanti Brahmana

Yesterday was a bit emotionally turbulent for me. I won't go into the details (for professional reasons), but let's just say that I was experiencing some adhibautika (sufferings caused by other living entities), which lead to adhyatmika (sufferings caused by the self/mind). How is it that we give so much control of our mental states to other living entities? One word or one comment can be enough to send us into a state of anger or depression. Why are we so affected by others opinions or perceptions of us? Obviously it's simply due to the false ego, but just saying and knowing that in theory doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Others harsh comments still sting, still affect us on an emotional, psychological level.

I wish I could be more like the Avanti brahmana, who's tale is narrated in the 11th Canto, 23rd chapter of the Srimad Bhagavatam (http://vedabase.net/sb/11/23/en1):

"The brahmana said: These people are not the cause of my happiness and distress. Neither are the demigods, my own body, the planets, my past work, or time. Rather, it is the mind alone that causes happiness and distress and perpetuates the rotation of material life." (S.B. 11.23.42)

We all have the choice of how we assimilate and interpret our experiences. We can see someone's harsh comment from the point of view of the false ego and think, "Why is this person so mean? They don't even know me! Now I'm going to avoid this person or think ill of them!" or we can perceive it with the intelligence and see it as Krishna speaking to us through Paramatma, "Oh, Krishna is speaking to me through this person. What lesson am I to be learning from this in order to make advancement on the path of devotion?"

Every moment, every experience, is a chance to make spiritual advancement. There is never a moment where Krishna is not present. So as aspiring devotees, we must have faith that everything we experience is being arranged by Krishna, even the seemingly "bad" things, i.e. - things that aren't pleasing to our mind or senses. That type of surrender will bring us closer to Krishna. It will bring in us a sense of calm and inner peace. It's what allowed the Avanti brahmana to ignore the disrespect and abuse of others. A lofty platform? Certainly, but one that can be attained through constant practice and self reflection.

Insect vs. Human vs. Soul

A small winged insect crawls on the window pane next to me. It's oblivious to the sufferings of humanity. It's only concern and focus is where to find food, where to find a mate and how to survive. How does that make me any different? There are thousands of students on this campus, roaming hither and thither, just like the insect: looking for food, sex and comfort.




I look again and the insect is cleaning its eyes and antennae. Now its cleaning its back legs by rubbing them together. Cleanliness is next to godliness, isn't it? I think about our pet dog who could be a vegetarian, doesn't have sex, doesn't gamble and doesn't take intoxication. So how am I any different if I don't pursue and focus on my spiritual life?

Every moment is a chance to reflect on Krishna's presence. The pure devotees never forget about Krishna, even in the face of great suffering and chaos. I could make so many excuses why I don't have the time to think about Krishna, yet Krishna is still there. His presence simply obfuscated by the thin veil of maya. But why is it only in quiet moments of contemplation that I find Krishna's presence so strongly? Why not in those chaotic moments of work and school can I see Krishna before me? Is it because I don't WANT to see Krishna?

The insect still sits there on the window pane, rubbing its back legs together. What kind of life is that? What purpose does it have? As human beings we may look at the insect and think, "What a foolish creature! It's just sitting on the window pane, cleaning itself and looking for food and sex and then it dies! What a meaningless life!" Yet how different are the lives we're leading? "Sophisticated animals", Srila Prabhupada called them.

How can I claim to be a devotee of Krishna if I do not even practice the devotional principles in my own life? I've seen both worlds, i.e. - the world of daily devotional practice and the world of full absorption in maya, and I've seen that the latter is so empty and depressing. When I moved out of the temple at Gita-nagari and back home to my father's house, this realization was even more enhanced. At one point I became so depressed with my lack of devotional service and consciousness. I shared this with my Guru Maharaja to which he replied:

"If you think about it, just living an ordinary life devoid of devotion is damn boring."

And he's right. It's just like the life of the insect crawling on the window. Real life is devotional life, spiritual life; living a life full of service to Guru, Krishna and the devotees. That is real purpose, because it's eternal. It connects us with our genuine, eternal selves, not with the illusion of bodily and mental identification.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking we're human, of thinking we're this body and mind. But we're not! We're pure energy, pure jiva full of bliss, eternality and pure knowledge. How easy it is to forget this. I pray to my Guru Maharaja to continue blessing me with the realization that life without his service and service to the Vaishnavas and Krishna is meaningless.

No Time

I have no time to start a blog. I have no time to chant Hare Krishna. I have no time to visit the temple. I have no time to associate with devotees. So what do I have time for? Going to school, going to work and finding ways to gain some fleeting sense of happiness through sense gratification. It's amazing how we have time for the things that we WANT to do or for the things that bring us pleasure.

When personal sense gratification is involved, we can tolerate all kinds of distress and unpleasant situations. If we perceive the goal as great enough, we can go all day without eating or drinking and all night without sleeping, because we think, "Who cares that I'm suffering in this way, because in the end the pleasure or happiness I get from this will all be worth it!" Yet when it comes to Krishna Consciousness and devotional service, i.e. - selfless service with no personal motivation, we all of a sudden can't stand even the slightest inconvenience or austerity! The problem is that we don't perceive the value of it. It's abstract, ethereal, conceptual. It has no bearing on our reality and there's definitely no instant gratification from it. So we think, "Why would I want to stay up all night chanting Hare Krishna? Why would I want to not eat all day long on a festival day? Why would I want to spend 2 hours in the car traveling to the temple?" There's no perception of the value.

Our consciousness is conditioned, diseased, contaminated, therefore we can't perceive the value of performing these austerities in devotional service. Conditioned consciousness thinks only of selfish pleasure and personal comfort and happiness. There's no other consideration. We consider the value of things based on how much pleasure it's going to bring us and we accept or reject things based on this system of evaluation. It's all the mind, i.e. - mental platform. In this state we'll never understand or appreciate the value of Krishna Consciousness in our daily lives.

So what to do? I am an unfortunate soul. I have no time for Krishna Consciousness. I only have time to pursue my personal goals of sense gratification and material comfort. And I am even more unfortunate because I am like the alcoholic that doesn't even see that they have a problem and can't cry out for help. "I'm fine, I'm fine", they say, as they're falling and stumbling and vomiting on themselves. I can't even cry out to Guru and Krishna to help me, because I think my condition is fine. "This is just the way life is. I go to work and school and sometimes I do Krishna Conscious activities." Contentment leads to stagnation. Stagnation leads to spiritual death. If there is no yearning for Krishna, no sense of urgency or desperation or eagerness for Krishna Conscious activities, then that is spiritual death.

Anyway, I have no time to continue writing, because it's late and I have to get up early to continue the cycle of having no time for Krishna. Krishna! Krishna! Hey Govinda! Hey Gopal! Please never let me forget You, even amidst this terrible ocean of material suffering and temptations! You are my only refuge. Please send your sincere devotees to me so that I may have their association, for it is only through Your pure devotees that I can know You.